What's Your Story

[Joan Marie Wandel]

Hi all

I thought we all could share our stories of when and maybe where we felt called.

Well anyways I have been discerning for awhile, I first felt called in 2002 when I went to WYD. I came home feeling like I was being called but them decided that I wanted to be married and have children. I wanted the life my parents had. I dated a guy for awhile and I saw my life while he didn't want to get married, but wanted kids. That was an option for me at all marriage first then kids.Now I have been discerning for a couple of years.I feel like God is calling me to become a missionary. I feel very drawn to Maryknoll and plan on visiting them again for a week

[Annie12]

This is a great topic for a thread!!

I started to discern about 3 years ago when I was 16. I never had even though I wanted to be a nun ( I was actually repulsed by the idea) until one day when my parish priest said that he thinks I will be a nun. when he said that I felt immense joy and that started me thinking about it. I had never been open to the idea of religious life but for some reason that changed my heart. I tried to pretend it didn't happen and thought to myself "me a nun! HA!". I went around telling everyone I wanted to get married and have a bunch of kids ( I think in protest of the whole thing). By then I was at adoration and I felt Christ say to me "If you love me then follow me". I immediately said yes but then started to think about it and was like" woha! what just happened here!". I finally came around and have been enthusiastically discerning ever since!

[OnlySunshine]

Hehe, I have posted my story several times on the forum, but I'll post it again:

I was born into a Catholic family and baptized when I was 3 weeks old. My parents sent my sister and I to CCD classes because we attended public school. We both received all the Sacraments of Initiation at the proper times. However, our family was what you would call "nominally Catholic." As with many "cradle" Catholics, the fire for the faith fizzles out if you don't feed it or your heart doesn't feel drawn to it. I never practiced any devotions with my family at home such as the Rosary, so I had no idea that these could strengthen your beliefs. As a result, I fell away from attending Mass regularly after I graduated high school. I started researching other denominations within the Christian faith and non-Christian religions such as Buddhism, Wicca, and Hinduism. None of these seemed to fit, however, and I was lost in my faith for several years.

At the start of Advent 2007, my mom suggested I attend a young adult retreat that was advertised in my Church's bulletin. I was hesitant to go because I didn't think I would know anyone, but I went anyway because of how much I loved Catholic summer camp and my Confirmation retreat. I found out that religious would be joining us from the Franciscans of the Renewal and the Sisters of Life. It was my first encounter ever with habited religious.

I left that Friday night and got lost 3 times on the way to the retreat site (story of my life). When I finally found it through the help of some "good Samaritans," I was exhausted and wanted to go to bed. However, the retreat was just beginning in the Chapel and I was late. We stayed there for about 4 hours listening to Praise&Worship songs, having Mass and Adoration and listening to the introduction of the retreat. By the time we were dismissed to our cabins, it was midnight and I was struggling with thoughts of confusion and anxiety. I desperately wanted to turn around and go back home, but something -- most likely the Holy Spirit -- stopped me and I found myself asking the retreat master to ask a religious to come speak to me about my doubts regarding the Catholic faith and to help me calm my anxiety. That's when she went in the nearby cabin and asked Sr. Mary Gabriel from the Sisters of Life to come and speak to me. The moment she stepped out, the confusion welled up inside me and I started sobbing and I couldn't speak for about 5 minutes. Sr. Mary Gabriel sat with me and talked to me about my doubts and told me she believed that the reason I was so upset was because the devil was trying to get me to leave but the Holy Spirit was trying to get me to stay. I was in a spiritual "tug-of-war." She said a prayer of protection for me to St. Michael and Our Lady. It was at that time that the fear melted away and I slept more peacefully than I ever did before that night.

Thank God that I stayed! I experienced so many things that transformed my life over the course of just 3 days. Oddly enough, the theme of the retreat was based on Romans 12:2 -- [i]Do not be conformed to the will of this age, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may discern what is the will of God - that which is good and pleasing and perfect.[/i] Saturday night was the most special because we had a healing Eucharistic Procession like the CFR Friars do at Youth2000. I had never experienced this before so I watched everyone else and saw that Fr. Harold was touching the Monstrance to their head while they held the humeral veil and prayed. I just thought I'd go with the flow and do the same, but what I experienced next was something I cannot explain. I felt tremendous peace and grace within me that could not be contained. The moment Fr. Harold moved to the next person, the tears spilled from my eyes. It was a very powerful experience -- one that I look forward to whenever I attend a retreat.

I also felt called to the Sacrament of Reconciliation for the first time in over 10 years (the last time was right before I was confirmed). I spent 15-30 minutes laying everything out to the priest, especially my most feared sins. When he gave me Absolution, I knew my life would change and I made a complete reversion to the faith on December 1st, 2007. It was also the night I first felt the desire to know more about religious life. When I left the next day, I returned home and the search began.

I've discerned with several sporadic orders but only actually visited 3 including an active/contemplative Carmelite order, the CFR Sisters, and the RSMs of Alma. However, even after applying to the Carmelite order, I felt something wasn't quite right and wondered what was missing. It turns out that my spirituality was not that of a Carmelite and I didn't fit into their apostolate. I withdrew my application and continued the search. For a while, I took breaks from my discernment, and I thought that I had come to the conclusion that since I had not found "the" order, that I must be doing something wrong or God wasn't calling me at all -- especially because of the fact that I have to be on medication for the rest of my life for chronic, low-grade depression and hypothyroidism.

My pastor is very passionate about promoting vocations to the priesthood and religious life. He invited some religious from a European missionary order to speak on World Day for Consecrated Life in February 2011 and a Capuchin Franciscan Friar to give the Lenten retreat. There was some doubt in my mind as to whether I should truly end my discernment because I couldn't shake the desire of my heart completely. It always inevitably returned when I least expected it. However, it took 2 more visits for me to actually become interested in the missionary order and I finally spoke to Father about my interest. The next week, he was visiting with the Provincial Superior at the parish office and my mom and I happened to be in the parking lot of the Church. We were involved in CRHP and were required to be there for a Core Team meeting. We grabbed dinner and ate in the parking lot. The moment I was finished eating, I spotted Father and the two Sisters walking down the path directly to the Church, which we were in front of. I excitedly exclaimed, "THE SISTERS ARE HERE!!!!" Father heard me and walked with them to my mom's car. He had been trying to call me but misplaced my number. He introduced me to the Provincial Superior and had already explained my situation to them. When I asked her what their policy was regarding medical needs, she told me that, as long as I could pass the psychological evaluation and prove I was stable, I would be allowed to try the life. I know this was a God-wink and I have been discerning with them ever since.

I am just now in the process of completing the psychological evaluation. My first appointment was this past Saturday for 5 hours and I have the final appointment on July 28th @ 12:30pm. Once this is completed and the Provincial Superior and/or Mother General approves the results, I will start the formal application process to enter their congregation. I am peaceful and joyful at the thought of entering there (God-willing) and can't wait!

[franciscanlady]

Mater, we have so much in common (along with being the same age) I was raised Catholic too but didn't care about my faith. It was not until a woman's retreat in 2007 that I came to really feel the Holy Spirit. I too went to confession for the first time in about 10 years. I have been discerning since then off an on. At first I felt called to the Franciscans but now I am leaning toward Carmelites.

[OnlySunshine]

[quote name='franciscanlady' timestamp='1342496442' post='2456276']
Mater, we have so much in common (along with being the same age) I was raised Catholic too but didn't care about my faith. It was not until a woman's retreat in 2007 that I came to really feel the Holy Spirit. I too went to confession for the first time in about 10 years. I have been discerning since then off an on. At first I felt called to the Franciscans but now I am leaning toward Carmelites.
[/quote]

Wow, that's just eerie! The Franciscans and Carmelites have many similarities, especially when you compare the austerity of the Poor Clares to Carmelites. Are you interested in contemplative life or a mix of active/contemplative. If it's the latter, I would suggest the Franciscan Sisters of the Renewal.

[franciscanlady]

I am currently looking into the Carmelite Sisters of the Divine Heart of Jesus. I always thought about the CFR sisters but I have really fallen in love with Carmelite spirituality. Plus my favorite saint is Therese

[OnlySunshine]

[quote name='franciscanlady' timestamp='1342499013' post='2456300']
I am currently looking into the Carmelite Sisters of the Divine Heart of Jesus. I always thought about the CFR sisters but I have really fallen in love with Carmelite spirituality. Plus my favorite saint is Therese
[/quote]

Which house are you looking at if you don't mind my asking? I was planning to enter the Northern Province in Milwaukee, WI in 2009. My friend, Sr. Mary Elizabeth, is a novice in the Central Province in Kirkwood, MO.

It's creepy how many similarities exist in our stories!

[AccountDeleted]

Because I am (ahem) mature (old? who, me?) my story is too long for a little post but it is online at my website, year by painful year ...
[url="http://atanyage.blogspot.com/"]http://atanyage.blogspot.com/[/url]

[VeniJesuAmorMi]

I have been discerning the religious life for about 3 years; even before I was Confirmed as I am a convert (that's another story.) I was confirmed on Holy Saturday 2009. I did start contacting communites I was interested in for more information before I became Catholic. I was drawn only to the Carmelites as I found out more about the different Orders there are. I would have never known there are so many! I certainly have a Carmelite heart and spirituality. Everything about them I love and still do. Now most communites will have one wait 2 or 3 years before entering after becoming Catholic. I had a lot to learn and a lot to grow and mature but I knew what I wanted and so I went for it. I was with a cloistered community for over a year. Then I had to leave for reasons and have found out that it will not be possible to return to that community. There are days when this gets very difficult but I have to remind myself that this couldn't have been the place where I could love Our Lord and give myself to Him the way I desire. After time of being away this has become more clear to me. I do believe that the time was not right and that it wasn't the right community for me. I was in no way prepared for what is required to be able to live the life. I rushed and got what I wanted but I didn't let Our Lord prepare me as I needed, and still need!, much more growth and maturity in my interior life and my relationship with Him. Is the door closed to becoming a cloistered Carmelite? I know that it is for the time being, but I also know how overjoyed I would be if He were to open that door for me; and this time not me opening it myself. I know that He is my only life and my only love, and that I will give myself to Him entirely but I don't know when and where. As for now, I'm working on becoming stronger and to learn to give Him all of me and all of my love at the present moment. Please pray for me!

Edited July 17, 2012 by VeniJesuAmorMi

[Lil'Monster]

[quote name='nunsense' timestamp='1342528611' post='2456327']
Because I am (ahem) mature (old? who, me?) my story is too long for a little post but it is online at my website, year by painful year ...
[url="http://atanyage.blogspot.com/"]http://atanyage.blogspot.com/[/url]
[/quote]

You are old

[emmaberry]

Thank you for this beautiful thread Annie! Sometimes I see a post and wonder what the history of the poster's vocation is but feel too shy to ask.

I will gladly write my story when I find out whether the Poor Clares accept my application for entrance, as I still see it as very 'in progress.' Of course, all vocation stories are 'in progress' until solemn vows (but hopefully the progress doesn't stop there!) I just think it would be more meaningful when sharing my story if it had a nice little bow on top-ie an acceptance letter.

I have loved reading the responses. Thank the Lord for PM and VS.

Edit: [quote name='nunsense' timestamp='1342528611' post='2456327'][color=#222222][font='Helvetica Neue', Arial, Verdana, sans-serif][size=4][background=rgb(255, 255, 255)]

Because I am (ahem) mature (old? who, me?) my story is too long for a little post but it is online at my website, year by painful year ...
[url="http://atanyage.blogspot.com/"]http://atanyage.blogspot.com/[/url]
[/quote]

I just began reading this blog and really love it.. Are you sure you are not a writer deep down? I am on the edge of my seat waiting for the next 'edition' to arrive! [/background][/size][/font][/color]

Edited July 18, 2012 by emmaberry

[AccountDeleted]

[quote name='emmaberry' timestamp='1342591280' post='2456687']
I just began reading this blog and really love it.. Are you sure you are not a writer deep down? I am on the edge of my seat waiting for the next 'edition' to arrive! [/background][/size][/font][/color]
[/quote]

Thank you - I really enjoy writing, and always have. One of my early SDs said it's good to keep a journal especially during times of consolation because then when desolation hits (which it always does), we can read back and see that it wasn't always like that and that there were times of consolation too, which will return. It has helped me. I also write because it helps me to understand where I have been so I can learn from my mistakes. I am glad you are enjoying it - not much left to go now before the blog reaches the present time and catches up with the currrent one. And right now I am very content with what is happening in the present too. Deo gratias.

Edited July 18, 2012 by nunsense

[Tally Marx]

I have my story on [url="http://www.thehiddenbattles.blogspot.com/search/label/Discernment%20Talk"]my blog[/url], though I haven't updated it in a while.

I developed an interest in the religious life when I was twelve/thirteen, but I didn't know how to actively discern. I thought discernment was just about being open, vaguely contemplating being a nun, and praying. [url="http://www.thehiddenbattles.blogspot.com/2012/02/discernment-talk.html"]And that is what I did for about three years[/url].
While I was doing that,[url="http://www.thehiddenbattles.blogspot.com/2012/03/discernment-and-friends.html"] I became involved with a guy[/url] (Tobias). I had always liked him, and he and I grew very close. Unfortunately/Fortunately (it could go both ways) my interest in the religious life grew as well. I was becoming stronger and more knowledgeable in my faith, generally, and more prayer oriented. I knew more about the religious life, had acquired friends who were seminarians and priests. It was largely through these friends and[url="http://www.thehiddenbattles.blogspot.com/2012/06/religious-family.html"] an appreciation for the priesthood that I fell in love with the religious life[/url]...even as I fell in love with my boyfriend. Eventually, I felt I had to take a serious look into the religious life. Toby and I put our relationship "on hold" for about five months. My SD encouraged us to break up; we did. I actually felt some relief after that. Sure, it made me uneasy that Toby insisted on waiting for me, and I felt guilty because--however unintentionally--I knew I had hurt him with my discernment. And--because I did honestly love him--I missed him. But even in spite of all that, there was this sense of peace and joy that enveloped me. I began looking into religious communities, and found one that I felt I could call "mine". I visited them, had determined to enter when I graduated...

A few months passed like this, and then things began to fall apart. My parents did not agree with my having broken up with Toby, and tried to force me to get back with him again. Toby himself was still hanging around, "being friends". And for some reason I still haven't figured out, I lost my peace and joy. I went to see "my Sisters" and left it there at the convent, and though I have been back to see them since, I still haven't found it again. The Vocation Director advised me to wait a year. My SD told me to go to college. I put all discernment aside for a little while.

Finally, just a month ago, my SD told me to get back together with Toby. Toby is happy with that, to put it very mildly (his mom isn't--she hates me). It's been a year and a half since we broke up, and now we are back together again. Part of me is okay with this (I really do love Toby, have since I was nine, and there has been no other guy for me). And part of me isn't, for his sake. I am still open to the religious, still feel drawn to it. I don't have any joy or peace about a religious vocation; but I don't have any for anything. I *might* still join. And then what will happen to Toby? But he says he wants to and that he will be fine if I do end up leaving, and I can't tell him what he can and can't handle. It's all such a big mess.

Rant over. Sorry about that, guys. Please pray for me!

[Annie12]

[quote name='Tally Marx' timestamp='1342813218' post='2457331']
I have my story on [url="http://www.thehiddenbattles.blogspot.com/search/label/Discernment%20Talk"]my blog[/url], though I haven't updated it in a while.

I developed an interest in the religious life when I was twelve/thirteen, but I didn't know how to actively discern. I thought discernment was just about being open, vaguely contemplating being a nun, and praying. [url="http://www.thehiddenbattles.blogspot.com/2012/02/discernment-talk.html"]And that is what I did for about three years[/url].
While I was doing that,[url="http://www.thehiddenbattles.blogspot.com/2012/03/discernment-and-friends.html"] I became involved with a guy[/url] (Tobias). I had always liked him, and he and I grew very close. Unfortunately/Fortunately (it could go both ways) my interest in the religious life grew as well. I was becoming stronger and more knowledgeable in my faith, generally, and more prayer oriented. I knew more about the religious life, had acquired friends who were seminarians and priests. It was largely through these friends and[url="http://www.thehiddenbattles.blogspot.com/2012/06/religious-family.html"] an appreciation for the priesthood that I fell in love with the religious life[/url]...even as I fell in love with my boyfriend. Eventually, I felt I had to take a serious look into the religious life. Toby and I put our relationship "on hold" for about five months. My SD encouraged us to break up; we did. I actually felt some relief after that. Sure, it made me uneasy that Toby insisted on waiting for me, and I felt guilty because--however unintentionally--I knew I had hurt him with my discernment. And--because I did honestly love him--I missed him. But even in spite of all that, there was this sense of peace and joy that enveloped me. I began looking into religious communities, and found one that I felt I could call "mine". I visited them, had determined to enter when I graduated...

A few months passed like this, and then things began to fall apart. My parents did not agree with my having broken up with Toby, and tried to force me to get back with him again. Toby himself was still hanging around, "being friends". And for some reason I still haven't figured out, I lost my peace and joy. I went to see "my Sisters" and left it there at the convent, and though I have been back to see them since, I still haven't found it again. The Vocation Director advised me to wait a year. My SD told me to go to college. I put all discernment aside for a little while.

Finally, just a month ago, my SD told me to get back together with Toby. Toby is happy with that, to put it very mildly (his mom isn't--she hates me). It's been a year and a half since we broke up, and now we are back together again. Part of me is okay with this (I really do love Toby, have since I was nine, and there has been no other guy for me). And part of me isn't, for his sake. I am still open to the religious, still feel drawn to it. I don't have any joy or peace about a religious vocation; but I don't have any for anything. I *might* still join. And then what will happen to Toby? But he says he wants to and that he will be fine if I do end up leaving, and I can't tell him what he can and can't handle. It's all such a big mess.

Rant over. Sorry about that, guys. Please pray for me!
[/quote]

I think I'm going through sorta what you are (but not really). I have been thrown through a loop recently and never thought that I could be so confused about my vocation as I am now. On top of it I feel like I can't tell my mom a thing because she will jump to conclusions and tell everyone about it. I'm just hurting g inside right now because everything was going fine and then BAM! My perfect little world where I was gonna be a nun and live happily ever after with Jesus has been shattered (it feels) . I'm mad at myself and feel awful for being so unrealistic. At the moment I don't feel called to anything and felt so bad about it today I was nauseous. I'm praying and keeping hope but I really wish I didn't have to care about my mom. Right now she has told everyone I'm "Going to be a nun". Which to me feels incredibly presumptuous since I am after all discerning. Now I feel like if I don't become a nun everyone will think I'm a failure.

I wish I had someone to talk to about this but I don't so I have to keep it bottled up inside. Today I wanted to cry but I was in a public place and didn't want to freak people out. Music has been my relief. I can just chill and not have to worry about anything. So there is my rant. I shouldn't be so depressed about my life considering the horrors the people in Colorado have gone through with the shooting and all.

I'll pray for you all if you pray for me!

[Maggyie]

[quote name='Annie12' timestamp='1342819735' post='2457360']
I think I'm going through sorta what you are (but not really). I have been thrown through a loop recently and never thought that I could be so confused about my vocation as I am now. On top of it I feel like I can't tell my mom a thing because she will jump to conclusions and tell everyone about it. I'm just hurting g inside right now because everything was going fine and then BAM! My perfect little world where I was gonna be a nun and live happily ever after with Jesus has been shattered (it feels) . I'm mad at myself and feel awful for being so unrealistic. At the moment I don't feel called to anything and felt so bad about it today I was nauseous. I'm praying and keeping hope but I really wish I didn't have to care about my mom. Right now she has told everyone I'm "Going to be a nun". Which to me feels incredibly presumptuous since I am after all discerning. Now I feel like if I don't become a nun everyone will think I'm a failure.
[/quote]

Oh Annie I wanted to tell you your mother sounds like my mother. She means well but it can cause a lot of problems and that sick feeling in your stomach when you realize you need to "untell" everyone and everything she's prematurely told. The feeling of sadness or embarrassment would be God cleansing the pride out of you. And maybe your mother, too. But nobody who has the slightest spiritual life would consider you a failure - discernment is just that, discerning if you are called or not, it is not simply a pre-aspirancy so to speak. It's like being engaged; wise people know never to assume the engagement will terminate in marriage. It is also not like applying to a job, trying to get into a college or a club. It's not an evaluation of your value or talent or how holy you are. It's just investigating a mystery. The people who are likely to care about vocations, KNOW that.

The people who aren't on a spiritual plane are more likely to simply be relieved for you because they don't appreciate the good things about religious life, period.

I wish I had the right words to say because I know how you feel and it is not a good place to be. I am praying for you!