The One That Got Away

[Aloysius]

the love of my life, the one that got away, got married last Saturday. in a symbolic gesture Friday night I took the train to the Brussels airport with enough money to buy a plane ticket to make it back and pull a movie scene stopping of the wedding... I knew I wouldn't do it, obviously, I mean those things don't really happen in real life. It wouldn't be viewed as romantic at all, people would just get all mad at you and yell at you for ruining a wedding, probably drag you away or something. Besides, I knew a long time ago that it was over; but still, I needed to at least do the symbolic gesture. it was a little bit cathartic.

Anyway, I can't complain about this on facebook since I'm facebook friends with her. BTW, remind me to thank Mark Zuckerberg for that fresh hell . I suppose I could unfriend her or something, I mean she's got a different last name and everything now. but yeah, I still care about her and even if it's in more of the distant electronic facebooky kind of way I don't want to completely lose touch.

But yeah, thinking about how that could've been me... just eats me up inside. She was so beautiful in her wedding pictures, so happy... I'm happy for her, I really am; I think at some point in the past, in one of those stages where you're definitely broken up but you could still keep fighting and maybe make it work, I remember consciously deciding to stop fighting because I thought she'd be better off without me. I'll always wonder if I could've gotten her back at that point, and at what point it would've become impossible. I never stopped thinking about her, but I consistently told myself she was better off and happier without me. I'll never know, now.

But it's like that moment in some story where you've gone back in time and accidentally stepped on a bug and you come back and it's an alternate timeline that's all wrong, everyone's matched up with the wrong people. And you know it's all wrong, you can just feel it deep down... except in the story you have a time machine still and can go back and make everything right. can't be done here.

I just feel like I took one wrong turn somewhere a long time ago, and no matter how good and interesting the path I'm on now is, it's just off and wrong. Somewhere along that road I screwed things up; it wasn't anything major, I wish it was--I wish I could pinpoint something and say "there, there's where it went wrong", some betrayal or cheating or fight.... I guess it mostly just amounted largely to a bit of failing at life at the time. When we broke up, I had left school because I didn't have the money for it and was working in a couple dead end jobs... and she was finishing up school, still in that school bubble; and it just stumbled along until it all fell apart, and I didn't find a way to put it back together. spare me talk of fate or it wasn't meant to be; I'm far less of a soteriological Thomist than I used to be, I really believe it's something that could have worked, that I could have made worked; and the mere fact that it didn't work out doesn't mean that it just wasn't meant to be... it meant that I failed to make it what it could've been. Sure in the grand scheme of providence there may be something to be said for not meant to be, but yeah, I don't feel like going into that.

sigh... well, all this pining was mostly triggered by the wedding, I really do think I'm emotionally ready to find someone new... but if I thought it was hard to meet girls where everyone spoke English, the language barrier here makes it even harder. not to mention the general godlessness of Europe, it's almost palpable sometimes... lol, I kid, kind of

[Nihil Obstat]

Man, I cannot even imagine.
I have never been in that position, so I will not pretend that I can relate, but at least I can empathize. I will say a few prayers for you.

If you are ever even remotely near my place (Calgary), I demand that you come over for a few drinks.

[missionseeker]

Al, that smells of elderberries. I hope you find the path feels completely right.

I don't have a "the one that got away" but my last ex, well- I could have seen it working if we had both wanted it to. We worked together for about two years after we broke up. At first it was pretty awful, but eventually fell back into a good working relationship. It was never a nice one or a simple one. In the end it really came down to i guess he loved me- but he didnt love me enough. And there is a lot of cultural differences and a difference of religion, and I know that half of the reason he dated me was because he found my refusal to give in to what others thought I should do or said intriguing. When he first met me I didn't curse and and I didn't sleep around at work (not that I sleep around now) but I demanded respect from the guys I worked with. Eventually they changed the way they interacted with all the women at work because I called them out. He'd ask questions about my faith, etc. after working in a kitchen full time and taking a butt ton of classes I (to my shame) became somewhat calloused. I started cursing and picking up bad habits, getting super drunk, letting guys talk to and about me with waaaaaaayyyy less respect than anyone should ever talk to anyone else, and generally not giving a beaver dam.

I think that working together was a difficult thing for both of us because old habits are hard to break. We'd wind up talking about politics (he came from a communist country so I always found his insights quite fascinating) and family and since we were the two who had worked there longest (even longer than the director), we had lots of inside jokes and stuff. Sometimes I'd find him looking at me like he did when we dated only he looked sad. And I hated that look because it was almost condemning (not that he meant it to be). It always made me wonder if had I not been so... Lax in my spiritual life would I have made a better impact on his soul. He came to this country with no faith, was confirmed and baptized a year before I met him. I don't think he was ever properly catechized and he worked 7 days a week. I got him to go to mass with me a couple times. And a couple of times after we broke up he actually mentioned that he'd been to mass. But those last couple years I really struggled there and sometimes I wish I could have been a better witness.

At any rate, it's not the same at all but I've often wondered if I had made small choices differently would it have made a difference. And not the difference of me and him working out (it is a good thing we didnt. I just wish it wasnt for the reasons that it was) but a more important difference.

Anyway, I guess I'm saying I can empathize with the kind of looking back and thinking "I could have done better here" Edited November 1, 2012 by missionseeker

[missionseeker]

And honestly, al, you gotta remember that it takes two. Even if you had done everything perfectly you still have to allow for her free will. And from what I remember you posting when you first split, there were more than a few things that you could have done nothing about. Your post now seems like you're saying all the problems were from your end. But they weren't. And that's an important thing to keep in mind.

[missionseeker]

And honestly, al, you gotta remember that it takes two. Even if you had done everything perfectly you still have to allow for her free will. And from what I remember you posting when you first split, there were more than a few things that you could have done nothing about. Your post now seems like you're saying all the problems were from your end. But they weren't. And that's an important thing to keep in mind.

[missionseeker]

And honestly, al, you gotta remember that it takes two. Even if you had done everything perfectly you still have to allow for her free will. And from what I remember you posting when you first split, there were more than a few things that you could have done nothing about. Your post now seems like you're saying all the problems were from your end. But they weren't. And that's an important thing to keep in mind.

[To Jesus Through Mary]

Sorry to hear that. Prayers for you. I know that feeling all to well. My exboyfriend got married about a month after I left the convent. I miss him and played the "what if game". In the end I just kind of figured, what is done is done. I did my best to just put him behind me. I pray it gets easier for you soon. Sorry she "got away"

Although I am very Thomistic in my thinking, I will spare you that by your request. But you do know God will make a better good from the choices that were made. Even if they weren't the best choices.

[homeschoolmom]

Sorry, Al.

[BG45]

Sorry Al, I know it can smell of elderberries. Prayers that you can feel like you're on the right path in life.

[FutureCarmeliteClaire]

Prayers. That really smells of elderberries.

[Anomaly]

Your're still you, very arguably a great person. The failing is hers for not seeing beyond the superficial 'student status' and seeing the fundamental elements of who you are. It hurts to lose someone you love, but it may be a blessing since she didn't see and appreciate who you are and love you the same way back.

[Winchester]

I'm lucky. My ex-fiance chubbed up by her wedding time, and her husband looked like a hamster.

[MissyP89]

Al, I'm not going to tell you all the normal lines about God having a plan for you. Just know that you really are a wonderful guy. I mean it.

[missionseeker]

[quote name='missionseeker' timestamp='1351753234' post='2501918']
And honestly, al, you gotta remember that it takes two. Even if you had done everything perfectly you still have to allow for her free will. And from what I remember you posting when you first split, there were more than a few things that you could have done nothing about. Your post now seems like you're saying all the problems were from your end. But they weren't. And that's an important thing to keep in mind.
[/quote]
[quote name='missionseeker' timestamp='1351753235' post='2501919']
And honestly, al, you gotta remember that it takes two. Even if you had done everything perfectly you still have to allow for her free will. And from what I remember you posting when you first split, there were more than a few things that you could have done nothing about. Your post now seems like you're saying all the problems were from your end. But they weren't. And that's an important thing to keep in mind.
[/quote]
[quote name='missionseeker' timestamp='1351753262' post='2501920']
And honestly, al, you gotta remember that it takes two. Even if you had done everything perfectly you still have to allow for her free will. And from what I remember you posting when you first split, there were more than a few things that you could have done nothing about. Your post now seems like you're saying all the problems were from your end. But they weren't. And that's an important thing to keep in mind.
[/quote]

Phatmass really wanted you to know that.

[Adrestia]

hugs.