How To Find A Decent Man, For Women Hoping To Marry

[MissyP89]

I am so confused.

 

All the time. :|

[Norseman82]

It's called the friend zone, and

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4F4qzPbcFiA

 

I'm glad someone brought this up.  Once you're in the "friend zone", the vast majority of the time you're stuck there.  Can you blame someone for not wanting to be stuck in the "friend zone"?  That does not necessarily mean, as one poster suggested, that one only wants to "get down pantaloons"; it could just as easily mean that one wants to simply get on with life, settle down, get married, and have kids.  Nothing un-Catholic about that.  In fact, at one National Catholic Singles Conference, one of the presenters actually stated that if you want to date someone and not get stuck in the "friend zone", be upfront and make it clear that when you take her out it is for a date.

[HisChildForever]

Oh but it does.  It is because men and women play by an entirely different game theory when it comes to love simply because women carry children and in the natural world, men have the possibility of making a clean getaway.  This is why women hunt men.  You must be selective.  You must choose.  He cannot choose you.  It is not in your nature.  The problem here is that well, that handsome, brave warrior who laid the biggest hunk of mastodon at your feet and made your heart flutter with a wink and a smile as he walked confidently away.  There was no way that guy could have lied about who he is in a small band of hunter gatherers 50K years ago.

 

Today, it is much wilder world.

 

It's a phrase used by gross men who would rather go straight to an "easy" woman for sex than spend the time getting to know a woman and be committed to her first.

[Erin Kathleen Holmes]

My best friend of over a year just asked me out.

[theculturewarrior]

If he is a nice guy, you would be a fool to take him for granted.  If you know his family and his friends, you can probably already tell whether or not he is abusive in anyway whatsoever.  And since he waited a year to figure this out, he is probably not trying to misrepresent his intentions in anyway whatsoever.  That is key, ladies.  Don't punish a man for being honest.  It will only make you suffer in life.

[HisChildForever]

If he is a nice guy, you would be a fool to take him for granted.  If you know his family and his friends, you can probably already tell whether or not he is abusive in anyway whatsoever.  And since he waited a year to figure this out, he is probably not trying to misrepresent his intentions in anyway whatsoever.  That is key, ladies.  Don't punish a man for being honest.  It will only make you suffer in life.

 

I'm not sure how to word this, but you're coming off as condescending now.

[theculturewarrior]

It's a phrase used by gross men who would rather go straight to an "easy" woman for sex than spend the time getting to know a woman and be committed to her first.

 

Yes, but when the shoe is on the other evolutionary foot, women take men for granted for entirely different reasons.  Men, if this is you, then you have become involved in a no-strings-attached emotional relationship.

Edited December 18, 2012 by theculturewarrior

[theculturewarrior]

I'm not sure how to word this, but you're coming off as condescending now.

 

Worded perfectly, and point taken.  I am chasing a toddler as I type.  Certainly do not feel proud.  Wait till I tell you my story and you will see why.

[theculturewarrior]

Maybe I should be upfront and tell you that my goal here is give women strategies to avoid abusive or dishonest relationships.

[theculturewarrior]

Maybe I should be upfront and tell you that my goal here is give women strategies to avoid abusive or dishonest relationships.

[theculturewarrior]

I think I am going to derelict this thread.  I do not seem to be helping people here.

[HisChildForever]

Maybe I should be upfront and tell you that my goal here is give women strategies to avoid abusive or dishonest relationships.

 

That's a noble cause. I think women recognize serious issues when in a problematic/unhealthy relationship but can have a harder time recognizing when it's time to cut their losses. That's a very general statement not meant to be applied to everyone. But it's just so easy to think you can change a man or hope he'll change as a result of the relationship. Sometimes you just have to move on.

[theculturewarrior]

That's a noble cause. I think women recognize serious issues when in a problematic/unhealthy relationship but can have a harder time recognizing when it's time to cut their losses. That's a very general statement not meant to be applied to everyone. But it's just so easy to think you can change a man or hope he'll change as a result of the relationship. Sometimes you just have to move on.

 

The problem is that once a woman trusts a man, it is very difficult for her to let go of that, and in today's chaotic world, it is very easy for men to misrepresent themselves.

[theculturewarrior]

 

 

Nice guys finish last and crackheads finish last.  Therefore nice guys are crackheads.  Ladies, stay away from nice guys.  You will only suffer.

[arfink]

[tinytherese]

I disagree with the advice to look at how a man treats his mother and sisters. My dad treats his mother and sister better than my mom, little brother, and I. He's been verbally abusive to us. So look at how a man treats EVERYONE. How does he get along with people who don't have the same interests and opinions as him? If he refuses to respect the boundaries of certain people and if he refuses to respect yours then say good bye.

[BG45]

I disagree with the advice to look at how a man treats his mother and sisters. My dad treats his mother and sister better than my mom, little brother, and I. He's been verbally abusive to us. So look at how a man treats EVERYONE. How does he get along with people who don't have the same interests and opinions as him? If he refuses to respect the boundaries of certain people and if he refuses to respect yours then say good bye.

 

Amen.  My father treated his mother like a Queen while she was alive, but views my mother and I as people who should wait on him hand and foot.  When I go home, he will sometimes call me "slave".  Resulting in barked orders like "Slave carry this" and "Slave mow the lawn for me".  Sorry your dad is so verbally abusive to you, your siblings, and mother. :(

 

A variant of the "how he treats everyone" is often used in academic hiring.  How's the prospective hire treating the waiter/waitress at lunch?  The janitor shows up while the prospective new hire is in someone's office, how does that person treat the custodian?  In my department, the chair always asks our secretary her opinion, because she's dealt with the person while they weren't on their best behavior; if they've treated her with respect while corresponding through the search process, he's more likely to argue on their behalf.

[PhuturePriest]

I once heard that you should dance with Jesus, because he'll only let the right guy cut in. Basically, this means stay close to Christ and make him your priority in life, and He will lead you to your vocation.

[CrossCuT]

1.)  Everything you see in the movies is completely wrong in a very messed up way.  You will not conquer the handsome player and have him follow you to the airport proclaiming his endless love and devotion from the aisles of your Boeing 757.  He will not stop your marriage to another man.  You will not change him.  Let me say that again because it's important.  You will not change him.  If he is a ladies' man now, he will be everyday of his life and your kindness and moral purity already does not matter to him.

 

Nice guys finish last.  You do want a nice guy don't you?  Good, because it makes your work much easier... look for the guy who is finishing last, and there he is, your prince charming.  Maybe he's got mustard stains on his nintendo sweatshirt, but he's all yours and nobody else's.  That is step one. 

 

2.)  Recognize potential.  Marriage is a preparation for Heaven.  It is two people engaging in daily combat in order to become more compassionate, assertive, and to have better bathroom etiquette.  It takes a lifetime of communication to get to where God wants us to be, but a lot of women end up alone because they want the end result first.  They want Prince Charming right now, and they're not willing to give a man a chance to learn how to fill those shoes.

 

The perfect man does not exist, and it is a good thing, because you are not the perfect woman.

 

3.)  Use short simple sentences.  Men respond well to three word commands.  Tell every man how you want to be treated, and when you discover one who respects you then you have a possibility.  Make a list.  These are the men who respect me.  Cross off the ones who don't have mustard stains on their sweatshirts.  And then you have narrowed it down.

 

4.)  Presume nothing.  Dating is a toxic way to meet a man, because really all it is really is you and him and whatever lies you both want to tell about yourselves.  Men will play with your expectations.  Don't let them.  This is the most important part.  You do not know a man until you know his family and his friends, and until he knows yours.  You don't know how he treats women until you hear the stories that his sisters and cousins will tell you about him.  Watch how he interacts with his mother.  Watch how he treats yours.  Don't open your heart to him until you know who is.  Don't open the door to him. Don't open anything to him.  You will only get hurt.

 

5.)  Be comfortable to telling him to buy you an engagement ring, because we're all idiots.

 

1) You might not be able to change someone,  but they can always change themselves. Its not a reason to date or continue dating someone, but we all deserve a second chance. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year now and it is awesome however..he wasnt originally catholic and we even debated certain aspects of faith and morality with each other. Had I given up on him then I wouldnt be the happy girl I am now. But if course I didnt change him, but the Holy Spirit did. People can change but they need to do it for the right reasons.

 

3) Not men are all that daft  :pinch: My boyfriend is a much better communicator than I am.

 

4) Dating is NOT toixic and not all men are as manipulative as you make them out to be. I went through a year of a lot of casual dating and its not difficult to sense who you think you fit with and who you dont. But I suppose it also  depends on how receptive you are to those things. If you enter the situation dripping with desperation, people will likely take advantage of that if they are low-life jerks so there is something you can do to NOT come off that way. But it also important to not stick around a slimy guy.

 

5) Maybe not on the first date  :hehe2:

[CrossCuT]

Long story short, I'm 21 years old and basically never had a boyfriend. I've never genuinely kissed a guy or had a long-standing relationship with one. If my love life could be a picture, it'd be of a dust bowl.

My friends have boyfriends (one of them met her bf online, which I'm NOT willing to do) and have lost their virginity, except me. My 19 year old sister has gone further than I have with guys!

I'm quite shy and reserved, and not into the drinking scene. I'm in college and catching up on my major (I switched my major in the spring of my sophomore year) and am trying to maintain a 3.5 GPA so I can get into a good Nutrition MS program in state.

I'll be a senior this year, and even though I'll be at school an extra semester, I'd like to make it count. I don't know if there's something about me I could change that would get me "noticed" more, but on the other hand, I like who I am and wouldn't change a thing about me. I feel like all the guys on campus just wanna party and get drunk, and I'm so NOT into that! It's really frustrating.

My mom keeps telling me "you need to go find someone! Just keep an open mind, etc." and it's annoying, because I know she feels embarrassed that she has a 21 year old daughter who's never had a bf.

Sorry this is a long post, but I'm so consumed with school work and trying to maintain my GPA so I can get into the graduate school I want that I have 0 experience in the dating field, and would just like some tips maybe. To sum it all up, how can I find someone for me, and how the heck do I deal with comments from my mom about this subject?!

How to Find a Man

 

Well first of all, Id like to state that I know pretty much exactly how you feel. I hadnt ever officially kissed a guy until I was 24. I dated casually and had a minor relationship with someone but all in all...I never had a meaningful relationship until (again) I was 24. So please understand that everything I say is in complete understanding of how you feel because I have been there.

 

So to start, the fact you are so consumed with school work right now I think can answer your question of your current singleness status and its not a bad thing at all. Being in school you SHOULD focus on school. 

I dont think you should change a single thing about yourself in order to be more appealing to guys. The guy you want should be attracted to who you are and not who you pretend to be. I know it sounds cliche but seriously...its cliche for a reason haha!

 

Also, considering you are the exact same as me in that you dont like the party/drinking scene and youre very invested in your schoolwork, dont ever ever ever ever ever ever limit yourself to the other avenues available to you. I dont know what your particular reasoning are for NOT wanting to meet someone online, but I assure you the stigma associated with that choice is lessening every year. Thousands of online relationships start this way and I strongly hope you reconsider! Its worth a try! If you allow yourself to be open to any possibility I know youll feel better and may find success!

 

It doesnt have to be online either, find groups that pertain to a particular interest of yours. Do things for yourself that you enjoy and you will likely meet someone. I love singing so I joined a choir (there are boys in choir), I also love video games so I played with an online community. Whatever your interest, find them and do them with other people!!!!!!!!! That way you arent FORCING yourself to do something you hate (ie. going to paries/drinking).

 

I met my boyfriend online through the online community I was a part of. His friends felt the same way as you did. They told him to get off the internet and find someone! He promptly replied with "The girl I want to be with is doing the exact same thing I am" and sure enough...bam there I was! 

The key message Im trying to say is dont limit yourself. Be open. Have fun! Sometimes it takes a while for us to bloom but when we do I think we are the best flowers out there!!!  :evil: