Help! Need Resources On Cloistered Life For Parents

[whitneyelizabeth]

Hi all you fantastic Catholic people discerning! 

I need some serious help, particularly from those who've discerned cloistered communities or know about them.

 

For a long time, I've felt that God is asking me to consider contemplative religious life withing a cloister and I finally said, "Yes." And I was very much at peace, was looking into orders, etc. My family has been very supportive through the whole process, but after my mom and I went to visit some cloistered Carmelites last weekend, we had very conflicting impressions. I felt incredibly peaceful about the whole thing. I did not necessarily feel that that was the order I was made to join and that I should immediately begin applying, but I did really track with everything the nuns said; I felt like as they talked about their charism and way of life, they were expressing the fulfillment of what I am yearning for. However, my mother has been VERY unsettled. She thought the nuns were nice but was downright distraught at "all the secrecy" of the cloister areas, the very austere building (unpainted cement block walls), and the very minimal communication between nuns and their families (one letter or one, one-hour visit per month). She is wondering how God could call anyone to this kind of life, how such penitential practices could be a good thing, why the nuns "keep out" their families, etc. I really don't know what to say to her, because I somehow "understand" the cloister and actually feel that it provides a sort of freedom that the world (with all its liberality and "freedom") can never give--the freedom to be singleheartedly devoted, attentive to God, to praising Him and loving Him unceasingly, to nurturing souls as a spiritual mother, to follow Jesus' gentle invitation to "come away to a deserted place by yourselves" with Him, to pursue a deep, intimate union with Him. I love the simplicity of the life, the silence to preserve communication with God, the community of like-minded women all pursuing holiness with tenacity and zeal. (I know no community is perfect, I'm just saying I "get" the beauty of this way of life, and I feel very strongly that God is inviting me to consider it...that He is very likely calling me to it).

 

I am having a VERY hard time finding any "explanations" or FAQ's about the cloister. I don't know where to start looking for answers to these very specific challenges and I don't want to argue with my mom about it--I love her dearly and I hate seeing her struggle with this. If I could just drop it and ignore the desire, I would, but I know that I can't ignore God to try to smooth things over in my family. I've tried to sort of give my rationale (which ultimately boils down to "I'm crazy about Jesus, He asked me to consider this and, yes, I cried and prayed and agonized over it a lot but I said yes because I can't refuse Him because I love Him too much and now I suddenly want this very much (though if He says no at some point, I'll go with it in a heartbeat)." 

 

Please, can anyone point me to good, down-to-earth resources defending the cloister and explaining it? My poor mother feels like this is destroying her faith, she feels like God has changed. She says she is "horrified" for me that I might choose this because it's somehow completely against her gut feelings. I have found nothing but cursory examples on the cloisteredlife.org and half the google hits are angry rants from ex-nuns. 

I am not trying to just say, "so there" to my mom. I'm not just trying to win an argument. She is tormented over this and I don't know what on earth to do to make it better. I'm praying for her...and I'm praying there's some explanation that I can give that will lead her to peace over this. Maybe I'm not going to be called to be cloistered in the end, but it has been a very tense, emotional week at home and I just want to be able to comfort her and give her some sort of understanding. I am torn between two loves, for Jesus and my mother, and I know that Jesus' will is going to ultimately make my decisions, but I love my mother dearly and I want very much to help her see what I see. 

 

If nothing else, please pray for us. Thank you! 

[OnlySunshine]

I'm sorry to hear that your mother is having such a difficult time with this.  I was going to recommend cloisteredlife.org but I saw you already visited it. 

 

Has your mom personally talked to the nuns about their life?  Oftentimes, from an outsider's point of view, it looks like a prison and how can anyone be happy in a prison?  If she were to talk to some nuns (preferably young nuns so she can see that nuns are not old, unhappy women) and ask them candid questions, she might not feel so insecure about your decision to discern the monastery.

 

Also, I'd recommend buying the book called "A Right to Be Merry" and letting her read it.  After I read it, I felt like I wanted to pursue the cloistered life even though I know it's not my vocation.  It shows the happiness of the nuns as they live only for Jesus.

 

More than ever, be supportive of her.  Even though she might say some things that hurt, she's hurting right now because she only wants your happiness.  My mom did the same thing but she gradually grew to see that my decision to discern WAS making me happy!  If you remain open to her questions and tell her you are there to answer her, she will likely oblige.  Most of all, pray for her.  Ask Jesus to give her peace.  Prayers!

[EmilyAnn]

When I discerned the cloister my (non-Catholic) mother was very opposed to my discernment so I can fully sympathise with your story. I spoke with the novice mistress of the community I was discerning with and she said that she has experienced the same thing with many who have entered. Families can feel like they are losing you. In the community I was discerning with, I would only have seen my family twice a year, and written to them once a month. In an age where we are used to being able to call or text or email and be in contact with our loved ones at a moment's notice that separation is a scary thing. Of course you want your mother to see what you see, but also try and understand things from her perspective as well. Even though she has so far been supportive your visit may have made her think about some of the harsher realities of you possibly entering. One thing that Mother Mistress did tell me was that sometimes it takes entering before families can find peace. She said that seeing their daughters happy converts them almost instantly, because what mother or father does not want their daughter to be happy? Also, when one enters God does not just give them grace, but their loved ones as well. He will console them. 

Would she open to speaking to the nuns again on her own? They would be able to answer her specific questions and concerns. The other best person to answer her questions simply is you. Who can better explain why you feel called to the cloister than you yourself? If you have trouble articulating them, write them as a letter you can give to her. As I have already said, also be sure to listen to her concerns and understand her position as well.

I will keep you both in my prayers.

[AnneLine]

WhitneyElizabeth,

 

Thanks for sharing what is going on; we will all pray for you and your mom.  This is a TOUGH problem.

 

I think Mater gave you some good ideas.  I also really liked what EmilyAnn just wrote... and she parallels some of what I had just written (below).... I'm not going to re-write it, but there are echoes.

 

I'd suggest that you don't try too hard to defend the cloister or talk her into changing her opinion.  That's the Holy Spirit's job.  You just love her and be gracious and respectful... and give her some time and space.  As has been discussed many times on many different threads, it's hard for those who want to go in to see how hard it can be for the ones 'left behind'.   If God is calling you there, you will have all sorts of new experiences and you'll be having your dream.   On the other hand, for the ones who are NOT going in, all they see is the closed door and that you are gone.  And that is the reality.

 

I can say this with a lot of love and respect for the cloistered life... and with the knowledge of just how hard it can be from having some of my closest friends go into various cloisters and monasteries.  And happy as I am for them, there is still a loss in my own life that simply doesn't go away.  And I can only imagine how much harder it is for a mother or father, sister or brother.  When I was discerning a vocation to the cloister, I faced a LOT of parental objections...

 

(BTW... God made it clear that it wasn't what he wanted from me in a totally different way... I would have gone in had I thought that is what God wanted from me.  Instead, he wanted me in the Secular Order... and doing formation with our candidates.  But it gives me an ability to understand both sides very well....)

 

Another book you might find helpful -- and that your mother might like -- is Rumer Godden's In This House of Brede.  It portrays life in a Benedictine Monastery very well.. and also tackles the topics of parents and relatives who object, and friends and co-workers who lose -- and yes, find and deepen relationships with their cloistered friends in a new way.  It also tackles some of the issues that can really upset parents like the grilles and the separation, and the reasons for it....

 

It might also help your mom to know that there are a few 'nun mothers' on this board, and a few people like me who aren't called to the cloister or convent/monastery/seminary but who are around to support those who are called... and their families.   If I or any of the rest of us non-discerners can help, just send a PM.....

Edited February 28, 2013 by AnneLine

[Pax_et bonum]

I second (or third or whatever) the idea of encouraging her to have some kind of contact with cloistered nuns whether she writes or visits or talks on the phone with them and also the book A Right to Be Merry. Fr. David Mary Engo wrote some great reflections last year when his sister community was enclosed: The Grill and Parents and Their Cloistered Daughters. Passionist Nuns on their cloister. You might have better luck if you look on the websites of cloistered communities. I will be praying for you and your mom. You're not alone; my parents are struggling with me discerning the cloistered life, too, along with many other parents.

 

I hope NunMother sees this thread. NM, how did your daughter help you understand her vocation?

[EmilyAnn]

Definitely contact a few of the cloister moms around here. NunMother was super helpful to me, I can't for the life of me remember the others but they were really helpful too.

Edited February 28, 2013 by EmilyAnn

[AnneLine]

Might be nice to have a list of nun parents who're open for this kind of question....?  Some of them might be willing to be contacted when something like this comes up?

[TheresaThoma]

Know NunMother is on every so often. EmmaBerry's mother just joined PM a while ago (after Emma entered and I don't recall her user name). Those two would definitely have good perspectives on having a daughter in the cloister (NunMother's daughter just made profession and Emma just entered recently).

Mothers are definitely difficult ones to contend with in any discernment. Something to consider as well is this visit may have made your discernment all too real for her give her some space to see if the "shock" will wear off.

[Gabriela]

Has anyone read "Walled About with God"? I haven't read it, but I think it might be good here... No?

[Pax_et bonum]

Emma uploaded Shall My Daughter Be a Nun? by Fr. Daniel Lord before she left along with Shall I Be a Nun? You and your mom might like A Few Lines to Tell You: My Life in Carmel or My Beloved: the Story of a Carmelite Nun keep in mind that they were both written pre-VII. I think you'll especially like A Few Lines to Tell You because it's letters from a young woman to her parents/family starting from right when she entered.

[whitneyelizabeth]

Thank you so much for all of the suggestions so far! This is so encouraging to me! :)

[Chiquitunga]

Praised be Jesus Christ! Hi!! I am off here for Lent though visiting on Sundays and I had to reply here.

 

This is a such a great and important question!! (where are there good down-to-earth resources defending and explaining the cloistered life) and one that so often comes up from young women trying to help their family and friends understand this. I feel like we should make this the ultimate reference thread for people to come to for help. Already there are lots of great articles and books linked here (like A Few Lines to Tell You, Right to Be Merry, Fr. Lord's books and Fr. David Mary's articles <- those are perfect, thanks pax, and not too long)

 

Here's another one of Fr. Lord's, btw - All American Girl .. link to scanned booklet, https://picasaweb.google.com/111883073319518457118  Her parents greatly opposed her vocation...

 

There is also Verbi Sponsa which explains well and Church's teaching and instruction on the cloistered life.

 

We also have Aineiora, another "Nun Mother" whose daughter is a Discalced Carmelite who recently made her Solemn Profesion .. Here's a thread she posted in, Mom Of Cloistered Nuns Support Group? (please  :) )

 

I was actually recently trying to find the best video on the cloistered life for a friend giving a presentation on vocations to a group of young women. There are not a lot out there.. Let me go find my favorites and post them later, to not fill this post with too much info! :j

 

I feel like another very good resource for this is simply the lives of the Saints who were cloistered, like St. Therese. Who doesn't love and admire St. Therese?! :heart:  I wonder what the best resource on her out there might be in this regard.. :think: maybe a documentary or book. Of course her autobiography, but just wondering about shorter resources too, as we can't always get friends/relatives to read a whole book. Books with lots of pictures are often good. I will be thinking about this..

[Chiquitunga]

Okay, since last Sunday I was looking through some of my religious life materials, and I found that the Carmel in Ada Parnell/Grand Rapids has really done a great job creating a number of little pamphlets explaining enclosure, with lots of quotes especially from JPII (along with Verbi Sponsa of course) Some of them come from a letter he wrote the OCD Nuns, I believe both in 1980 and 1991, which I cannot find online in English. But I found others they quoted, which say basically much of the same thing (to the point of being redundant really, but so you can choose ones you like best to perhaps share with your mother, quote in emails/blogs, etc.) I will include many of them here anyway. So if your mother (or anyone that is) has a love and respect for JPII, this might be especially useful :like:

 

 

"I want to reaffirm strongly the eminently apostolic role of cloistered nuns.  To leave the world to devote oneself in solitude to deeper and constant prayer is none other than a special way of being an apostle.  It would be an error to consider cloistered nuns as creatures separated from their contemporaries, isolated and seemingly cut off from the world and the Church.  Rather, they are present to them, and in a deeper way, with the same tenderness as that of Christ.  It is therefore not surprising that the bishops of the new churches solicit, as an eminent grace, the possibility of receiving a monastery of contemplative religious, even if workers for the active apostolate are still in such insufficient number."

 

- Blessed John Paul II, The Meaning of Vocation (also here)

 

 

 

"Prayer joined to sacrifice constitutes the most powerful force in human history."   -Blessed John Paul II

 

 

 

Cloistered nuns (from the Apostolic Exhortation, Vita Conserata)

 

59. The monastic life of women and the cloister deserve special attention because of the great esteem in which the Christian community holds this type of life, which is a sign of the exclusive union of the Church as Bride with her Lord, whom she loves above all things. Indeed, the life of cloistered nuns, devoted in a special way to prayer, to asceticism and diligent progress in the spiritual life, "is nothing other than a journey to the heavenly Jerusalem and an anticipation of the eschatological Church immutable in its possession and contemplation of God".In the light of this vocation and ecclesial mission, the cloister responds to the need, felt as paramount, to be with the Lord. Choosing an enclosed space where they will live their lives, cloistered nuns share in Christ's emptying of himself by means of a radical poverty, expressed in their renunciation not only of things but also of "space", of contacts, of so many benefits of creation. This particular way of offering up the "body" allows them to enter more fully into the Eucharistic mystery. They offer themselves with Jesus for the world's salvation. Their offering, besides its elements of sacrifice and expiation, takes on the aspect of thanksgiving to the Father, by sharing in the thanksgiving of the beloved Son.

 

Rooted in this profound spiritual aspiration, the cloister is not only an ascetic practice of very great value but also a way of living Christ's Passover. From being an experience of "death", it becomes a superabundance of life, representing a joyful proclamation and prophetic anticipation of the possibility offered to every person and to the whole of humanity to live solely for God in Christ Jesus (cf. Rom 6:11). The cloister brings to mind that space in the heart where every person is called to union with the Lord. Accepted as a gift and chosen as a free response of love, the cloister is the place of spiritual communion with God and with the brethren, where the limitation of space and contacts works to the advantage of interiorizing Gospel values (cf. Jn 13:34; Mt 5:3, 8).Even in the simplicity of their life, cloistered communities, set like cities on a hilltop or lights on a lampstand (cf. Mt 5:14-15), visibly represent the goal towards which the entire community of the Church travels. "Eager to act and yet devoted to contemplation",the Church advances down the paths of time with her eyes fixed on the future restoration of all things in Christ, when she will appear "in glory with her Spouse (cf. Col 3:1-4)",and Christ will deliver "the Kingdom to God the Father after destroying every rule and every authority and power ... that God may be everything to everyone" (1 Cor 15:24, 28). To these dear Sisters, therefore, I extend my gratitude and I encourage them to remain faithful to the cloistered life according to their particular charism. Thanks to their example, this way of life continues to draw many vocations, attracting people by the radical nature of a "spousal" existence dedicated totally to God in contemplation. As an expression of pure love which is worth more than any work, the contemplative life generates an extraordinary apostolic and missionary effectiveness."

 

 

"Enclosure does not isolate contemplatives from the communion of the Mystical Body. It puts them, on the contrary, at the heart of the Church ... Their hidden life is absolutely vital for the Church and for humanity." - Bl. JPII

 

 

"The apostolic fecundity of your life proceeds from the grace of Jesus which absorbs and integrates the total oblation of your life in the cloister; the Lord has chosen you, and as He identifies you with His Paschal Mystery, He joins you with Him in the work that sanctifies the world." - Bl. JPII to the Discalced Carmelite Nuns

 

 

 

[Chiquitunga]

I was actually recently trying to find the best video on the cloistered life for a friend giving a presentation on vocations to a group of young women. There are not a lot out there.. Let me go find my favorites and post them later, to not fill this post with too much info! :j

 

Okay, my favorite video really to give an example/try to explain cloistered contemplative life is this one made by the Poor Clares of the Immaculate in Italy (although I probably wouldn't use it to teach young children bc of the language/subtitles) 

 

http://youtu.be/3G1KmarrhR0

 

There are plenty of others out there, but there are only a small handful I would personally share with friends or family to try to shed more light on this way of life. Sometimes the slightest thing said in one video or another makes me not want to share it, like the OLAM trailer for God's Women of Steal (http://www.cgwosthemovie.com) talking about the angels singing for them at the end. I think it's cute and beautiful really what she says, but feel like it gives them less credibility in some ways.. 

 

This one I would probably share with most, like religious ed classes/vocation talks. It's an especially good witness to show them young women choosing this life also .. 

 

http://youtu.be/_2GPkvezaUM

[Chiquitunga]

These three on PCCs I wouldn't hesitate in most cases to share too .. 

 

http://youtu.be/1zPwviwMNR4

 

http://youtu.be/tnGUEOaxYGw

 

http://youtu.be/lL9H1KZWdLc  (only two videos can be embedded here per post it seems, so here's the link)

 

This one too of course .. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OvBpJKRhmQY   I might hesitate slightly on this one actually, to share more with those who have some understanding of redemptive suffering/St. Paul's references to this in Scripture, etc (or try to first explain this) Understanding this is key to understanding cloistered life, and not only that, but all Christian life..  Also for the Poor Clares of the Immaculate video above.. people who do not understand devotion to Our Lady would have a hard time with it ..  So anyway, you have to discern all of this.

 

But seriously, for a while I've been wanting to make a video about the cloistered contemplative life, with lots of quotes like the ones above and from Verbi Sponsa, saints, etc. and this thread has reminded me that there really is a need for it. I feel like besides all of this too, just seeing pictures of beautiful joyful cloistered nuns speaks "a thousand words" so to say, which can be done in a video .. although of course I stink at making videos and don't really have the technology currently :/  If/when I do I may try it, or others feel free to :like: Well done videos do take a lot of time and effort :sweat: