Random Questions About Young Catholics And Marriage

[HisChildForever]

Just from my "experience" on Catholic forums (lurking) it seems pretty common for young Catholic couples to become engaged after a relatively short dating period and marry rather young. Granted my parents married at 22, but that was almost forty years ago, and they were not as devout as those I see posting - obviously there are young devout Catholics who don't utilize forums so this "trend" I've observed is limited to the couples I've "seen" on forums. Apologies for using the word "trend," I don't mean to be offensive at all, I just can't think of a better word right now. Pattern, maybe? Anyway I'm just genuinely curious about this. I understand that plenty of couples just know they're significant other is "the one" so one can easily reason that when you know, you know, and there's little reason to put off the inevitable i.e. marriage.

 

But with today's economy, including student loans, and pursuing education beyond the bachelor's level, as well as the job market, it's just hard for me to wrap my head around this. Wedding expenses can be astronomical enough, but add a house with furnishings, and sometimes a baby a year down the road, and I just wonder how it's possible to marry at age 21 or so when one is fresh out of college. Then again at 21 I couldn't imagine myself ready to walk down the aisle. But I'm also just curious as to why so many young Catholics get engaged/marry relatively fast into the relationship. It's not like I've just seen one or two couples in this situation, I mean Catholic Answers Forum for example is where I've seen this a lot. And then there's a lot of threads like "We just turned 30, are pregnant with baby #5, and are freaking out because we can't support any more children and have like 20 years left of fertility." (Also, I literally saw on Facebook a week or so ago that a couple that was dating for 2 months are now engaged.)

 

I'm sorry if this thread isn't very clear, I'm not even sure what I'm asking, it's just I've observed the above for a few years now and it almost seems cultural among young Catholic couples.

[Gabriela]

Well, if you consider that it's actually easier to live on two incomes than one, and that rent/mortgage is cheaper on two incomes than one, then it actually makes sense. Pool that money...

 

Then again, adding babies complicates things.

 

I will say from my experience in Orthodox Judaism that I don't find this surprising at all. In a (sub-)culture in which people share all their important values, it's a lot easier to find a good mate you know will be compatible with you. I think that one of the reasons why it takes secular folk so long to get hitched is because they can't assume a lot of shared values. And unfortunately, most young couples don't talk about the important stuff outright. They co-habitate for years, marry, and only then find out they don't agree on a bunch of things. When you've got all that stuff worked out in advance by a shared faith, it can go fast and be just fine.

[CatholicsAreKewl]

Just from my "experience" on Catholic forums (lurking) it seems pretty common for young Catholic couples to become engaged after a relatively short dating period and marry rather young. Granted my parents married at 22, but that was almost forty years ago, and they were not as devout as those I see posting - obviously there are young devout Catholics who don't utilize forums so this "trend" I've observed is limited to the couples I've "seen" on forums. Apologies for using the word "trend," I don't mean to be offensive at all, I just can't think of a better word right now. Pattern, maybe? Anyway I'm just genuinely curious about this. I understand that plenty of couples just know they're significant other is "the one" so one can easily reason that when you know, you know, and there's little reason to put off the inevitable i.e. marriage.

 

But with today's economy, including student loans, and pursuing education beyond the bachelor's level, as well as the job market, it's just hard for me to wrap my head around this. Wedding expenses can be astronomical enough, but add a house with furnishings, and sometimes a baby a year down the road, and I just wonder how it's possible to marry at age 21 or so when one is fresh out of college. Then again at 21 I couldn't imagine myself ready to walk down the aisle. But I'm also just curious as to why so many young Catholics get engaged/marry relatively fast into the relationship. It's not like I've just seen one or two couples in this situation, I mean Catholic Answers Forum for example is where I've seen this a lot. And then there's a lot of threads like "We just turned 30, are pregnant with baby #5, and are freaking out because we can't support any more children and have like 20 years left of fertility." (Also, I literally saw on Facebook a week or so ago that a couple that was dating for 2 months are now engaged.)

 

I'm sorry if this thread isn't very clear, I'm not even sure what I'm asking, it's just I've observed the above for a few years now and it almost seems cultural among young Catholic couples.

I think rushing marriage is a bad idea. I'm not going to point fingers, but there's a reason why we have a high divorce rate. Not to say that people who marry early can't have successful marriages, far from it. But, you should know 100% if you'd be able to live with that other person for a lifetime before committing. It takes years for that to happen. The reason why is because during the initial stages of love, there is reduced activity in areas of your brain (the amygdala, the prefrontal cortex and the frontal cortex) dealing with learning from past mistakes, judgement, analysis, delaying gratification and predicting future events. In other words, love makes you a total idiot. If you get married during these initial stages, you risk the possibility of later realizing you made a huge mistake. 

Edited April 23, 2013 by CatholicsAreKewl

[HisChildForever]

Well, if you consider that it's actually easier to live on two incomes than one, and that rent/mortgage is cheaper on two incomes than one, then it actually makes sense. Pool that money...

 

Then again, adding babies complicates things.

 

I will say from my experience in Orthodox Judaism that I don't find this surprising at all. In a (sub-)culture in which people share all their important values, it's a lot easier to find a good mate you know will be compatible with you. I think that one of the reasons why it takes secular folk so long to get hitched is because they can't assume a lot of shared values. And unfortunately, most young couples don't talk about the important stuff outright. They co-habitate for years, marry, and only then find out they don't agree on a bunch of things. When you've got all that stuff worked out in advance by a shared faith, it can go fast and be just fine.

 

Yeah I thought something similar. A couple who share the same (or similar) faith will view marriage as sacred if not a sacrament, yet couples who see marriage from a more secular viewpoint are likely to postpone marriage, especially if they already live like a married couple.

[HisChildForever]

I think rushing marriage is a bad idea. I'm not going to point fingers, but there's a reason why we have a high divorce rate. Not to say that people who marry early can't have successful marriages, far from it. But, you should know 100% if you'd be able to live with that other person for a lifetime before committing. It takes years for that to happen. The reason why is because during the initial stages of love, there is reduced activity in areas of your brain (the amygdala, the prefrontal cortex and the frontal cortex) dealing with learning from past mistakes, judgement, analysis, delaying gratification and predicting future events. In other words, love makes you a total idiot. If you get married during these initial stages, you risk the possibility of later realizing you made a huge mistake. 

 

Eh I find your reference to brain activity interesting, but when I was single and a guy showed interest (and yes even after a couple dates) I would immediately be wary due to past experiences.

[Chestertonian]

I had only been dating my wife for three months before I proposed. I was in my late 20s, though, so we were both pretty established. I knew the first week we started dating that she was "the one."

Regarding Catholic couples marrying quickly: the sooner you get married, the sooner you can engage in marital acts?

[Gabriela]

I think rushing marriage is a bad idea. I'm not going to point fingers, but there's a reason why we have a high divorce rate. Not to say that people who marry early can't have successful marriages, far from it. But, you should know 100% if you'd be able to live with that other person for a lifetime before committing. It takes years for that to happen. The reason why is because during the initial stages of love, there is reduced activity in areas of your brain (the amygdala, the prefrontal cortex and the frontal cortex) dealing with learning from past mistakes, judgement, analysis, delaying gratification and predicting future events. In other words, love makes you a total idiot. If you get married during these initial stages, you risk the possibility of later realizing you made a huge mistake. 

 

Actually, you can never know 100% that you'll be able to live with a person. Even if you co-habitate for 50 years before marrying, marriage itself changes the relationship, and even if it didn't, people change. You cannot possibly know who your spouse will be in 15 years—nor can you know who YOU will be in 15 years, for that matter.

 

By your logic, we should wait until we no longer love the person to get married. That doesn't make a lot of sense. I agree that the "high" one gets when one has first "fallen in love" is a bad time to make life-altering decisions, and that there should be a slight waiting period. But that "high" is more accurately described as infatuation, not love. Sometimes infatuation turns into love; sometimes it doesn't. Thus, if one is infatuated, one should wait. If one is simply in love, then off to the church with ya'.

Edited April 23, 2013 by curiousing

[CatholicsAreKewl]

Yeah I thought something similar. A couple who share the same (or similar) faith will view marriage as sacred if not a sacrament, yet couples who see marriage from a more secular viewpoint are likely to postpone marriage, especially if they already live like a married couple.

I believe postponing marriage is actually indicative of a respect for marriage. It's acknowledging that your feelings could be clouding your judgement. A big problem I find (and this, of course, does not apply in all cases) is that religious couples are eager to experience physical intimacy and rush marriage. True, if both partners believe marriage is sacred, that is important in keeping the relationship together. However, this research on the blinding effects of early love should not be ignored. It's better to be committed to a partner that's compatible than one that isn't. 

Edited April 23, 2013 by CatholicsAreKewl

[Nihil Obstat]

Obviously I am in one of the relationships you are referring to. :smile3:

For Katy and I, very quickly there was a very strong sense that 'this is it', and that is due in no small part to the fact that we prayed a lot for guidance from the outset.

I am not sure I know quite how to address the rest of your post... but if you have more specific questions I certainly can try. :)

[CatholicsAreKewl]

Eh I find your reference to brain activity interesting, but when I was single and a guy showed interest (and yes even after a couple dates) I would immediately be wary due to past experiences.

Sorry, I picked up the wrong quote. I might not have been clear but the effects are basically due to infatuation. 

[MissyP89]

I need to think about this some more, but I can at least give you some initial thoughts from what I've experienced in the 18 months I've been with Brian.

 

Last Easter, while visiting old friends on campus, our former chaplain spoke to both of us separately. He said, "At the risk of being too bold, if your relationship is truly progressing and you are committed to one another, then you should consider getting engaged and marrying as soon as possible. (He is a married priest, a convert from Lutheranism, and married his wife of 40+ years after one year together.)

 

Similarly, while seeking the advice of a Catholic woman who I deeply respect, she said "Don't wait. Get married as soon as you can."

 

Meanwhile, friends and others from secular backgrounds are strongly encouraging us in the other direction, to wait several years, so we can financially establish ourselves and build on our commitment before taking the plunge.

 

I think at least some of the Catholic advice comes from Paul's old line, "Better to marry than to burn." Perhaps if you know that you've found The One, temptation to have sex before marriage, live together, etc., gets more difficult to handle. That isn't my personal experience in my relationship, but hey, I've only been engaged a month.

 

It appears right now that we will have a long engagement, mostly for practical reasons. We would marry much sooner if it were financially possible, but unfortunately it's just not prudent right now. The biggest burden, at least for me, comes from knowing clearly my vocation to marriage and having found the person I'm supposed to share that with, but not being able to see that fulfilled yet.

[CatherineM]

I'm not sure why people think weddings have to be expensive. They don't. Why spend money you don't have to impress people and start a marriage in the red.

[Gabriela]

I'm not sure why people think weddings have to be expensive. They don't. Why spend money you don't have to impress people and start a marriage in the red.

 

Agreed. I have a friend who got married for under $5,000. And most of that went to the caterers. I told her we should just have a potluck, but she'd still have had to rent the space since we couldn't count on good weather.

 

Still...

[HisChildForever]

I'm not sure why people think weddings have to be expensive. They don't. Why spend money you don't have to impress people and start a marriage in the red.

 

I live in an expensive area of the country to begin with, but I also have a huge, and I mean huge, extended family. I'm not interested in impressing people, but I am interested in having all of my (and my husband's) family there to celebrate with. Even with smart budgeting, my wedding is going to be expensive.

[MissyP89]

I live in an expensive area of the country to begin with, but I also have a huge, and I mean huge, extended family. I'm not interested in impressing people, but I am interested in having all of my (and my husband's) family there to celebrate with. Even with smart budgeting, my wedding is going to be expensive.

 

Boy, am I quickly learning how THAT goes. *sigh* LOL

 

And re: CatherineM's above comment, I think it might help to clarify that we're not waiting because we can't afford a wedding. We are waiting until we can support the both of us under one roof.