Getting Through Rough Times

[OnlySunshine]

This is my cross to bear, but I'm having a rough time dealing with it.  I have come to the conclusion that I'm probably not going to enter religious life because I can't find a religious order that will have me (except one which I don't want to enter because I think they are looking for just anyone).  However, I've been having issues with envy when I see pictures of the religious order I was hoping to enter and the new postulant being initiated.  I can't help but think "why her and not me?"  I know this is the wrong way to think and I'm trying not to.  But it stings.  I really wish that I had a spiritual director who could guide me through these problems and help me understand that even though it hurts now, there is something better out there that God has set aside just for me.  It may be that I'm called to religious life but only in the future when I have my life more together.

 

I'm not sure if any of those who have stopped actively discerning religious life are still on this forum but, if they are, how did you get through it?  Maybe we could have a support group for those who found they were not called (including those who entered and left).

[TheresaThoma]

I haven't been in the exact situation before but I have experienced something similar. I transferred from a university that I LOVED (long story and it wasn't my choice) back to a university at home. I'm now about a semester behind my other classmates so seeing all of them posting graduation photos and such kind of hurts. I'm happy for them but I really really wish that I could be there with them. However I know that is not my path. So when those feelings come up I try to focus on the amazing things the Lord has done in my life because I am no longer there (Godmother twice now, awesome RCIA "family", stuff I have been able to do academically etc). It just helps me accept that even though staying at that university would have been good, there have been many good things that have happened because I left.

I remember when I first found out I had to transfer I was really really upset but I took some time and prayed over it and just offered all my hurt and confusion to the Lord. In the space of probably 20 minutes the Lord granted me the grace to accept it and to be able to see His Will in all of it.

There have been other times where I had wondered "what if" or "why not me" but how I handled it was the same. Praying over it and when the feelings of hurt or jealousy came up I would focus on the good things that were going on in my life. It doesn't make the hurt go completely away but it helps you accept it.

[OnlySunshine]

I don't want these feelings and I was doing really well until today.  I think the fact that I'm frustrated over computer stuff has me taking it out on other things.  I am, thankfully, not moping because I didn't get accepted but the fact still remains that it hurts when I dwell on it.  I realize that I have more growing up to do and it will benefit me greatly to get my Bachelor's degree, get a job, and move out.  I just wish the door wasn't closed forever (maybe it isn't).  I'm hoping that, if I still feel drawn to religious life and I'm in a better position to deal with the stresses of religious life, a community will give me a chance.  Right now, my vocation is to be a student and get a job.  :)

[nikita92]

Mater, my heart goes out to you!! We are human and life's issues and crosses Sting like H e double toothpicks!! My cat was killed by a coyote on Sunday....I haven't been able to stop crying about it ever since Monday morning when his harness was discovered by a golf maintence guy and called to report it to me!! (Unbeknowst to me..this particular area around this community is plagued with coyotes) I offered up my sorrow and pain and grief to the Lord. My sting is different from your sting! None the less..what you are feeling is stinging and it is OK! if I were in your shoes...I would feel the same! Even though you have plans to continue being a student and getting a job...I think starting a group of some sort is a excellent idea. Even though I am interested in discernment...at this point in time...it is not going to happen. I would be interested however in what you suggested! ;)

[nikita92]

Mater, my heart goes out to you!! We are human and life's issues and crosses Sting like H e double toothpicks!! My cat was killed by a coyote on Sunday....I haven't been able to stop crying about it ever since Monday morning when his harness was discovered by a golf maintence guy and called to report it to me!! (Unbeknowst to me..this particular area around this community is plagued with coyotes) I offered up my sorrow and pain and grief to the Lord. My sting is different from your sting! None the less..what you are feeling is stinging and it is OK! if I were in your shoes...I would feel the same! Even though you have plans to continue being a student and getting a job...I think starting a group of some sort is a excellent idea. Even though I am interested in discernment...at this point in time...it is not going to happen. I would be interested however in what you suggested! ;)

[nikita92]

Mater, my heart goes out to you!! We are human and life's issues and crosses Sting like H e double toothpicks!! My cat was killed by a coyote on Sunday....I haven't been able to stop crying about it ever since Monday morning when his harness was discovered by a golf maintence guy and called to report it to me!! (Unbeknowst to me..this particular area around this community is plagued with coyotes) I offered up my sorrow and pain and grief to the Lord. My sting is different from your sting! None the less..what you are feeling is stinging and it is OK! if I were in your shoes...I would feel the same! Even though you have plans to continue being a student and getting a job...I think starting a group of some sort is a excellent idea. Even though I am interested in discernment...at this point in time...it is not going to happen. I would be interested however in what you suggested! ;)

[BarbTherese]

Prayers, MM

[maximillion]

Oh Mater, how my heart goes out to you.

 

I still struggle with these feelings even after all this time, and I am sure it is detectable in my posts that this is the case. At times, especially when someone is entering, I feel very envious, I castigate myself that I never looked around for another community and blame myself sometimes that I let Him down by not so doing.

What I have noticed is that these feelings are transitory (though sometimes last for days) and tend to be stronger at times of crisis or stress.

 

I love my life now, I have had so many and rich blessings, I am too disabled to enter anywhere and am able to accept that I made the right decision, that my path has been outside of the convent - but I still long for that life hidden in Him in a way it can never be outside the cloister. This is 'me' my ego and my desires, and when I am clear about being right with His will, then these thoughts and feelings don't trouble me, though they may be present.

 

I can't imagine anyone who has tried harder, searched more and gone through disappointment after disappointment as you have, yet you have stayed faithful, still put His will above all else and remain as close to Him as you can. This must be your consolation, this strong faith. 

I pray for you and send a big hug for those days of longing for the sisterhood.....

 

Have you checked out the Leonie's Longing site?

I think it may be a good place for us to share and support each other and all of those who are in similar circumstances.

 

Oh, and thank you for sharing this, it has given me the opportunity to say things I rarely admit to or talk about................... 

[EmilyAnn]

After discerning and finding a community I truly loved and believed I was called to, I realised I was not called to the religious life. It was incredibly painful, and I found myself doing the same thing of "maybe in the future, just not now". Honestly, letting go of that attitude is the most helpful thing you can do. The "maybe in the future" just keeps you trapped in the pattern of thinking that leads to the hurt and the pain. It's been maybe seven or eight months and it does still hurt when I see someone say they're entering somewhere or have found a community they're seriously discerning with. The jealousy is still there, I haven't completely let go yet. But it gets better. And over time, you start to begin to see why God led you down that path and what His purpose is. I'm still figuring some of that out, and I don't think it's the sort of thing where one has a sudden revelation. It's a process, and healing from the hurt is part of it. At first, I couldn't go on Phatmass because just seeing "Vocation Station" written there made me want to cry. I don't post much in VS anymore, but I lurk. And that still hurts a little, but it's better than it was. I know this may sound insincere, but time really does help the healing. 

 

If you ever want to talk, I've been through and am still going through the same thing so feel free to PM me. :)

[inperpetuity]

Prayers for you, Mater.  I went through something similar when the proposed community that a priest I know was talking about founding and was what I believed I was born for, just disintegrated into thin air.  Although the priestly side of it has been founded, he decided that the sisters would probably not be founded in his lifetime.  Even though I knew this was obviously not God's will for me, letting go of it was very difficult.  It did eventually cause my trust in God's Providence to grow though, and it also taught me to be content with waiting for Him to show me His will and not worry too much about the future.  It's good that you are aware of the disappointment and like everyone else has said, you will heal and eventually feel better about it. It sounds like God just wants you to be a student right now which is what you yourself said.

 

I have not decided either way that I am still called to religious life or not, so I thought that if I just try to love Him the best I can right now, He will lead me to His will and it will be the absolute best thing for me.  I do continue to desire to consecrate my life to God as a religious, so I just keep offering Him the desire while I attend to some health issues that I have to deal with. I am finally at peace about it.  No one knows the desires of our hearts better than Him..

[OnlySunshine]

I just read all your posts and I will respond more later.  For now, thank you for your posts.  ;)

[VeniJesuAmorMi]

Hello MM and prayers your way for your discernment! Please say a prayer for me also.

 

What would be really nice (if you haven't started already) is to add your special intentions for your discernment to the Sacred Heart of Jesus novena that starts today, and tomorrow we start the novena to the Immaculate Heart of Mary since that feast is the day after the Sacred Heart feast. It's so nice that we get to pray these beautiful novenas at the same time since the feast days are so close! Just an idea. :)

[Totally Franciscan]

Mater, I so appreciate your posting.  I am pretty much in the very same situation as you, although my problem is my age.  I had been in two different communities and loved religious life, but the last community was suppressed by the bishop - long story.  I have never lost my desire for religious life.  Even though I married and had two children, that desire was still within me.  It was my thought to enter after my husband died; he is quite ill now.  I find now that I am too old for any community, and I have to say it really hurts.  Often I ask God why he gives me this desire, yet does not allow a way for it to be fulfilled.  So I know somewhat of what you are going through.  Perhaps it is God's plan that we offer up this spiritual suffering for the sake of the Kingdom, OR perhaps He is calling us to live a "religious life" out in the world, to have our hearts be His cloister.  Like you, I find it terribly hard to completely give up the hope that somewhere there is an order that will take me.  If they will take me, will I be able to keep up, or will my health deteriorate and they will ask me to leave.  So, I take one day at a time and count on Him telling me His Will in His time.  Rest assured, you are not alone. 

[OnlySunshine]

I appreciate all of your posts.  Thank you for acknowledging that I'm not going through this alone.  That helps a great deal!

 

I didn't include this before but it's really hard to let go of the belief that I might not have discerned religious life long enough.  I did for over 5 years but I know some people that discerned 7 years and up!  There is also that one community that I wonder if I should visit just for the heck of it.  I mean, I'm not required to enter afterward and it would be better to go rather than think "what if?" for the rest of my life.  Unfortunately, I can't afford it right now but the Sister stated that the door is always open if I change my mind.  So, it's a possibility. 

 

I know I've stated recently that I felt drawn to marriage and family life but I can't really see myself getting married.  I try to picture it and the only person I can think about that I would want to fulfill the role of husband is Jesus Christ.  I don't think I'm called to Consecrated Virginity (it's beautiful but I can't see myself in the role of Consecrated Virgin).  So, I'm at an impasse.  I don't have to figure this out now but it's confusing!

 

edited for wrong spelling

Edited May 31, 2013 by MaterMisericordiae

[cmaD2006]

I hear ya Mater ... I've been on my discernment journey for over 15 years.  And I've been in a "limbo" (i.e. not knowing what in the world I'm supposed to do) for over a year.

 

What keeps me going is

a) spiritual direction

b) Mass and confession

c) prayer

d) retreats, days of recollection, parish missions etc.

 

All I can do is trust that I am walking in Him, and that He leads the way even though I have no CLUE (literally and figuratively speaking) where I'm going.  Well, I do know that the ultimate end of the journey is to be with Him forever in His presence, and I entrust that to His mercy.