Getting Through Rough Times

[EmilyAnn]

I appreciate all of your posts.  Thank you for acknowledging that I'm not going through this alone.  That helps a great deal!

 

I didn't include this before but it's really hard to let go of the belief that I might not have discerned religious life long enough.  I did for over 5 years but I know some people that discerned 7 years and up!  There is also that one community that I wonder if I should visit just for the heck of it.  I mean, I'm not required to enter afterward and it would be better to go rather than think "what if?" for the rest of my life.  Unfortunately, I can't afford it right now but the Sister stated that the door is always open if I change my mind.  So, it's a possibility. 

 

I know I've stated recently that I felt drawn to marriage and family life but I can't really see myself getting married.  I try to picture it and the only person I can think about that I would want to fulfill the role of husband is Jesus Christ.  I don't think I'm called to Consecrated Virginity (it's beautiful but I can't see myself in the role of Consecrated Virgin).  So, I'm at an impasse.  I don't have to figure this out now but it's confusing!

 

edited for wrong spelling

To put it frankly, it has not been that long since you stopped actively discerning. My head was full of the "what ifs" for quite a while after I stopped. Sometimes I still get those thoughts, they don't just go away instantly - you've given so much time and energy to your discernment, so of course not. And if you are still in the "mourning" process, then of course you would not be able to see yourself in another vocation. If you're thinking "I should visit just for the heck of it" then that's not really the way to be looking at it. If you feel called to that community, then visit. My best advice though is to take it to Adoration. A few months after I stopped discerning, I kept having these thoughts of St. C's. There was this part of me that kept thinking "go back, just for Mass, just so you'll know". I went to Adoration and without even having that thought in mind, I got a very clear "don't go back". 

[OnlySunshine]

To put it frankly, it has not been that long since you stopped actively discerning. My head was full of the "what ifs" for quite a while after I stopped. Sometimes I still get those thoughts, they don't just go away instantly - you've given so much time and energy to your discernment, so of course not. And if you are still in the "mourning" process, then of course you would not be able to see yourself in another vocation. If you're thinking "I should visit just for the heck of it" then that's not really the way to be looking at it. If you feel called to that community, then visit. My best advice though is to take it to Adoration. A few months after I stopped discerning, I kept having these thoughts of St. C's. There was this part of me that kept thinking "go back, just for Mass, just so you'll know". I went to Adoration and without even having that thought in mind, I got a very clear "don't go back". 

 

It was actually in Adoration, while praying the Rosary, that I began to think about religious life again.  No matter how many times I put the thought out of my head, it continues to come back.  I've made plans to continue school and begin a career but God seems to be pestering me again.  :hehe2:

[Eowyn]

Prayers for you, Mater.  Here is my take on things.  My discernment goes in ups and downs.  I seem to get roadblocks in abundance when trying to do visits with communities.  I have no idea if and when I will ever enter a community.  My brain and my soul accept that it is up to God and that it is in His time (which can be very different from my timing.)   My feelings go up and down with the rollercoaster.   Stress, fatigue, anger, and frustration at other things seem to aggravate those feelings.  Adoration helps to calm me down.  So does daily mass when I can get there.   I read a book a few years back by Father Gallagher on Ignatian discernment that was incredibly helpful for dealing with the feeling aspect of things. 

[beatitude]

It was actually in Adoration, while praying the Rosary, that I began to think about religious life again.  No matter how many times I put the thought out of my head, it continues to come back.  I've made plans to continue school and begin a career but God seems to be pestering me again.  :hehe2:

 

MM, I think there is a risk that you start to interpret all your feelings as signs from God. At various points in the past few months, you've posted that God must have been allowing you to discern religious life so that you could better raise a family when the time came for you to be a mother; and that you are drawn to consecrated virginity because it would allow you to remain in your parish (and the fact that you never really wanted to leave your parish must have been an indicator that religious life isn't for you). You also seem to have changed your mind about careers quite a bit, and from your posts it does seem that you have a tendency to try and look for divine signals to support each change of mind.

 

I think most of all you need to make a firm choice and stick with it, such as finishing your studies. Choosing is hard but it has to be done. Clear-sighted discernment requires some stability, and you can't have that if you are always in this state of hesitation. From the outside, it looks as though you honestly don't know what it is you want - and that's honestly OK! But you have a lot to occupy yourself with now and you will probably find greater clarity about the future simply by getting on with that.

[OnlySunshine]

MM, I think there is a risk that you start to interpret all your feelings as signs from God. At various points in the past few months, you've posted that God must have been allowing you to discern religious life so that you could better raise a family when the time came for you to be a mother; and that you are drawn to consecrated virginity because it would allow you to remain in your parish (and the fact that you never really wanted to leave your parish must have been an indicator that religious life isn't for you). You also seem to have changed your mind about careers quite a bit, and from your posts it does seem that you have a tendency to try and look for divine signals to support each change of mind.

 

I think most of all you need to make a firm choice and stick with it, such as finishing your studies. Choosing is hard but it has to be done. Clear-sighted discernment requires some stability, and you can't have that if you are always in this state of hesitation. From the outside, it looks as though you honestly don't know what it is you want - and that's honestly OK! But you have a lot to occupy yourself with now and you will probably find greater clarity about the future simply by getting on with that.

 

The problem is that I cannot finish my studies very quickly.  My school has the three classes that I need to finish available only for the Spring 2014 semester and so I'm stuck waiting until then to take the rest because I risk wasting my financial aid if I'm not a full-time student.  I'm trying my hardest to work on getting accepted to a university so I can start nursing school now and not wait until I'm done with my current degree but I'm not putting my money down on my acceptance because it didn't happen for the summer.  I made some bad choices in my past regarding my education, especially since I had health problems early in my twenties which led to bad grades.  :(

 

I've made the decision to stop posting here about my discernment.  I realize I've changed my mind too much and I have adult ADD (mild, but it causes indecisiveness at times).  Because of this, I really wish that I had a spiritual director.  :(

[cmaD2006]

Prayers for you, Mater.  Here is my take on things.  My discernment goes in ups and downs.  I seem to get roadblocks in abundance when trying to do visits with communities.  I have no idea if and when I will ever enter a community.  My brain and my soul accept that it is up to God and that it is in His time (which can be very different from my timing.)   My feelings go up and down with the rollercoaster.   Stress, fatigue, anger, and frustration at other things seem to aggravate those feelings.  Adoration helps to calm me down.  So does daily mass when I can get there.   I read a book a few years back by Father Gallagher on Ignatian discernment that was incredibly helpful for dealing with the feeling aspect of things. 

See bolded part.  I strongly recommend the same book -- I'm reading it again right now.  It also talks a bit about what Eowyn said -- there are many factors that may lead one down a path of desolation, including the physical (i.e. when you're tired/fatigued you are more prone to hit desolation).

 

The book is written very well, with examples illustrating each of Ignatius' 14 rules of discernment (week 1 rules).

 

Even if you don't have a spiritual director these rules are great.  They really start illustrating what is going on in the soul.  And there's one rule that I pay attention to -- if you're not a peace, and you're in desolation/turmoil you should not change anything major (ex: jobs/school etc.) until you get into a point of consoldation/peace.

 

Now of course life happens that forces you to make a decision at that moment (ex: you get fired, you get sick and have to take a leave of absence from school, etc).  But what the rules do say is if you want to make a change (ex: are tempted to leave school) and are in desolation, you shouldn't make a change.  There is a good possibility that the urging is not from God.

[cmaD2006]

I've made the decision to stop posting here about my discernment.  I realize I've changed my mind too much and I have adult ADD (mild, but it causes indecisiveness at times).  Because of this, I really wish that I had a spiritual director.  :(

Mater:

 

I don't know if you realize, but most of us are supportive of your discernment.  If we mention an idea it is really just to help.

 

Don't take whatever we say personally ... I don't think it is meant that way.

 

I'll pray that you are able to find a good and wise spiritual director.

 

-- Cma

[OnlySunshine]

Mater:

 

I don't know if you realize, but most of us are supportive of your discernment.  If we mention an idea it is really just to help.

 

Don't take whatever we say personally ... I don't think it is meant that way.

 

I'll pray that you are able to find a good and wise spiritual director.

 

-- Cma

 

No, I'm aware of the support.  I just find myself embarrassed when I realize that the decision I made earlier was probably not the right one.  My best decision right now is probably to remain neutral and not shut any doors, especially if the desire for religious life is still there.  :)

[OnlySunshine]

See bolded part.  I strongly recommend the same book -- I'm reading it again right now.  It also talks a bit about what Eowyn said -- there are many factors that may lead one down a path of desolation, including the physical (i.e. when you're tired/fatigued you are more prone to hit desolation).

 

The book is written very well, with examples illustrating each of Ignatius' 14 rules of discernment (week 1 rules).

 

Even if you don't have a spiritual director these rules are great.  They really start illustrating what is going on in the soul.  And there's one rule that I pay attention to -- if you're not a peace, and you're in desolation/turmoil you should not change anything major (ex: jobs/school etc.) until you get into a point of consoldation/peace.

 

Now of course life happens that forces you to make a decision at that moment (ex: you get fired, you get sick and have to take a leave of absence from school, etc).  But what the rules do say is if you want to make a change (ex: are tempted to leave school) and are in desolation, you shouldn't make a change.  There is a good possibility that the urging is not from God.

 

I seriously wish I had a spiritual director but I'm going to buy that book.  It'd be nice to go on one of the Ignatian Exercise retreats but I can't afford that right now.  At least the book will give me some direction.  Thanks for the recommendation.  :)

[Eowyn]

I seriously wish I had a spiritual director but I'm going to buy that book.  It'd be nice to go on one of the Ignatian Exercise retreats but I can't afford that right now.  At least the book will give me some direction.  Thanks for the recommendation.  :)

 

If it helps any, I have ADD,also.  That book seemed to help me to focus things better - at least to be able to have a better idea of what's going on spiritually for me.  I still wish I had a spiritual director, too, but this has helped. 

[OnlySunshine]

If it helps any, I have ADD,also.  That book seemed to help me to focus things better - at least to be able to have a better idea of what's going on spiritually for me.  I still wish I had a spiritual director, too, but this has helped. 

 

Good to know!  Thanks.  :)

[cmaD2006]

I seriously wish I had a spiritual director but I'm going to buy that book.  It'd be nice to go on one of the Ignatian Exercise retreats but I can't afford that right now.  At least the book will give me some direction.  Thanks for the recommendation.  :)

 

Start saving up :).  They're worth it, and really recharge you spiritually.

 

Fr. Gallagher also has another book on discernment:  "Discerning the Will of God."  This one goes through decision making St. Ignatius style :).  This is a good book as well.

[arfink]

I also feel like I made the "wrong decision" with my previous discernment with seminary.

 

I've had to let go of the desire to judge my past choices for myself. They are God's to judge now, not mine. I can't change what happened, and I don't have to justify what I did to anyone unless I choose to. I felt called by God to investigate, it didn't work out, and that is enough for me. It has to be enough for me.

 

That has been the single most difficult and painful portion of discernment I have ever had to face so far. It's not easy, it takes a long time, and it hurts like crazy. I also had the help of a very competent spiritual director during the last 9 months to help with that. If you wanted to have her name, I can share. She works long distance. :)

Edited June 3, 2013 by arfink

[Eowyn]

Arfink, you do the best you can with what you have at the time. I think sometimes what we look at as "wrong" might be exactly right from God's perspective.

[EmilyAnn]

The problem is that I cannot finish my studies very quickly.  My school has the three classes that I need to finish available only for the Spring 2014 semester and so I'm stuck waiting until then to take the rest because I risk wasting my financial aid if I'm not a full-time student.  I'm trying my hardest to work on getting accepted to a university so I can start nursing school now and not wait until I'm done with my current degree but I'm not putting my money down on my acceptance because it didn't happen for the summer.  I made some bad choices in my past regarding my education, especially since I had health problems early in my twenties which led to bad grades.  :(

 

I've made the decision to stop posting here about my discernment.  I realize I've changed my mind too much and I have adult ADD (mild, but it causes indecisiveness at times).  Because of this, I really wish that I had a spiritual director.  :(

You don't need to rush! I can understand the impulse to want to have things right now, but that's never going to help you truly discern. Taking the pressure off is what will really help you. Let things happen as they do. I had to leave college last spring and that extended my college time by a year. At first I was so upset, because I just wanted to graduate so I could enter. In the end, that turned out to be a good thing because it gave me extra time to discern because the pressure wasn't there with my graduation impending. I know it must be frustrating to need those classes but have to wait, but if that's the way it is then it's just something you have to accept and see as something helpful, in that it gives you time to really sort through your feelings.