Private Vows in The Laity/Spirituality

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Daily Reflection – August 3

http://famvin.org/reflections/category/daily-reflection/

Posted on August 3, 2016 in Daily Reflection

“Let us labor together at God’s work with great meekness and humility; these are solid virtues.”
– St. Louise de Marillac

– Contrary to what we may think, it takes a lot of strength to act with calm gentleness in the face of adversity. Help me to grow in the practice of meekness and humility and make them a part of my life, Lord.

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http://famvin.org/reflections/category/year-of-mercy/

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Been outside under the pergola with coffee.....reflecting.....what else.

How happy and fulfilled I am to be out here in secular life and in all the hurly burly of it all offering the confusion and problems of daily life to God as I can with all my weaknesses and shortfalls.  Life really was far simpler in monastic life, which is why anyone stating that a vocation to lay celibacy is the "easy way out" is nothing but a big giggle for me.  But I am called to all this confusion and the problems as intrinsic to my particular vocation and in all the messiness is God's Call to me personally.  I never know what will happen next.  How much more content my aspirations would be if I had something generally accepted as worthwhile and worthy to be about.  But I don't and here I am in the mix of it all.   My dental work starts on Monday with the first of two sittings for teeth removal and then dentures and somehow I have to scrape together $600 as quickly as I can.  I know it is useless to worry about it because it is all in God's Hands and I have been in far worse positions in the past and somehow most mysteriously made it.

I have to go for a sleep apnea test as soon as possible for my GP as well as make arrangements to have a medical plan done.  Today I posted off the documents the government authority has requested.  My brother called in (ex bank executive - now retired) and he agrees with me that I have done nothing wrong, other than a lack of attention to fine details.  But it is up to the authority to declare their judgement.

The really good news is that Buddie, my little dog (had his bath, nails cut and grooming today $47) has not had a return to date of that nasty cough.  Deo Gratius.

And while I am at it, Lord, Deo Gratius to You for everything as lousy and confusing as it all seems to this weak finite creation.  I have read so many books and texts since years ago aplenty I read the writings of St Teresa of Avila and St John of The Cross, but I am aware it is time to return to them.  Not for what they write about as to the mystical and unusual phenomena per se of which I have no interest at all, but rather for their insights into human nature and the spiritual way.

Heading off..........time to catch up with the world and the 6pm News on TV.

PS  I am long overdue too to visit three people, two of whom are unwell.  This means bus trips.  There is probably more, I would be surprised (pleasantly) if not.  But occupied with The News just now.

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What I am learning at this point in my life is that the various means (circumstances) to serve one's neighbour in practical ways may not be present (other than for me some needed but quite minor service in St Vinnies).  Yet, in imitation of those who are in monastic and religious life and our witnesses and guides, I can always keep the needs of all my neighbours near and far in prayer......... in a world floundering too with many serious problems.............and the fact that it might seem to me not at all what The Gospel is all about; nevertheless in Faith it is paramount what The Gospel is all about - John Ch15 "I am the vine, you are the branches. Whoever remains in me and I in him will bear much fruit, because without me you can do nothing."   When I can serve neighbour in practical ways, my ego is happy.  Take away the fulfilment the ego might enjoy, and I can flounder........until Faith comes to the rescue.  The circumstances to serve in practical ways are unavailable, non existent just now, but in Faith I can serve through prayer and a life offered prayerfully - and some meagre donations here and there.  Yet, the ego remains restless without fulfilment.

And yes, I do wonder very sincerely if all the above is simply a rationalising of my current position in life.  I do not know for sure and my ego is restless without answers, unfulfilled -  and so I simply walk simply in and out of the days in confident trust.............and pretty much naked of all else.........and sometimes confidence too gets pretty shaky, along with trust.  To comfort myself, I tell myself that "shaky" is not to date "desertion".

In my teenage years, I read the Gospel of Matthew from beginning to end trying to mark out on a map the travels of Jesus and at the same time I noticed how often Jesus spoke of Faith.......then in Chapter 13, this really hit home "And he did not work many mighty deeds there because of their lack of faith."  Not lack of love, not lack of hope........ but lack of Faith. "Trust Me!" He seems to me to be saying.  And as long as I am in a state of Grace, He walks with me........and all.

Switching off for tonight after coffee under the pergola and watching the rest of "Dirty Harry" (on FoxtelGo) with Clint Eastwood and keeping an appointment with myself to do so out of sheer escapism.  I may not have a recreation time daily as in religious and monastic life...........but there are compensations now and then.................

 

Oh before I go..........my son will be here from interstate along with his wife.  They have a wedding here to attend.  I will be asking him then to show me how to transfer pictures I have taken with my mobile on to the computer - after which, I am hoping to be able to post some images of Bethany etc.

Monastery of Christ in The Desert
 

Quote

 

My sisters and brothers in Christ

Faith is the realization of what is hoped for and evidence of things not seen. —  The Letter to the Hebrews gives us a good sense of the readings for this Sunday.  Faith is the dominant theme and believing in what we have not seen underlines our faith in the Lord.

The first reading is from the Book of Wisdom and gives us insights into how to believe:  God will save us and we must trust in God.  For many of us, it is a challenge to believe that God is always with us and that in whatever happens, He is present.  Yet our faith must bring us to that point over and over.  We cannot expect God to be a magician who makes everything wonderful.  That is not the promise of our God.  Our God promises to be with us and to help us in the struggle against our foe.  We will prevail, always, but only at the spiritual level.  If we keep our lives and lose our faith, we are lost.  If we lose our lives and keep our faith, we are blessed.

The second reading is from the Letter to the Hebrews and gives us an account of the faith of Abraham, who we call “our father in faith.”  Abraham becomes a model for us to go on trusting.  Abraham trusted over and over and eventually all that the Lord promised to him was completed.  God invites each of us to follow Him in the foolishness of faith, believing that loving and servicing God and our neighbors will bring us true happiness and also salvation.  If we can be still in the presence of God and hear His voice and follow Him, we too will have happiness in this life and in the next.

The Gospel of Luke brings us back to the struggle to obey God.  Luke tells us “where your treasure is, there also will your heart be.”  We can ask ourselves:  “where is my heart, what is my treasure.”  Answering that will give us immense knowledge about ourselves and we will also see the direction of our lives.

We can find ourselves like the servant who decides that God is not going to come any time soon and so begins to live a life not in accordance with the word of God.  Or we can be prudent servants who know that God can come at any moment and who then strive to be faithful.

The readings invite us to commit ourselves again to the Lord and to His word.  We may not be perfect yet, but we know the road and can keep walking, no matter how often we fail.  Just as our ancestors knew that God loved them, so we also know that God loves us.  Walking in faith, we allow this love to shape our lives.

Your brother in the Lord,

Abbot Philip

 

 

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Watched the rest of "Dirty Harry" with Clint Eastwood last night - I had watched only a few minutes into the movie originally.  Would not recommend it.   I did wonder how "Dirty Harry" would finish (although it was probably sticking out a mile and I was not disappointed).   The movie concluded predictably with violence and lack of logic persevering to the end.  

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Reflection on today's Gospel 5th August 2016

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Been out under the pergola with coffee…..reflecting.  Last night I think it was a read a post by someone in religious life about a missing button and the need to sew.  At the time, I laughed thinking to myself “I wish I only had a missing button to be concerned about”.  But I have been reflecting on that, as something was not quite hitting home.  Now it has occurred to me that it is a question of ego…….my ego.

 

In my previous suburb, I had a real mission and apostolate.  I really did love the people that came to me for some sort of assistance, but also it flattered my ego.  I was doing something from the human perspective that is worthwhile and valued.  I have no idea in honesty which was more important to me.  In fact, as I write, I think that both were.  My love of my neighbours and also that my ego was flattered.

 

Now I have arrived at the conclusion that presenting circumstances and the response required is just as important if it was to sew on a button as it is to be of assistance to one’s neighbour.  It is just that human reasoning cannot see the equality of both calls……..and calls they are and from God.  What gives them equal value is not the content, but rather Who is doing the calling.  Either to sew on a button or to extend assistance to one’s neighbour are of equal value, not in human reasoning, but on a spiritual level.

 

I am learning about ye olde ego more and more I think.  There is more in my lesson as I write.  Very often, to my experience, I can see that whatever I might be about is coming from a less than perfect type of motivation.  It takes humility to admit it and to be satisfied and yet with a certain restlessness that my motivations are indeed imperfect.  To admit too that I seem to be unable to correct my imperfect motivations………..only God can do so, His Time and His Way.  He may even decide that I am best left with all my imperfections and failings……….best for me that is.  And it is precisely because Who has done the deciding that gives it value, not the content of the decision so much.  It is God who calls in all the circumstances of life.  It is God who grants the Grace to recognise and respond to the call along with the Grace to carry His Will through.

 

What I am seeing too, is that if things are brought into the context of one’s relationship with God and total dependence on Him, all changes from the light of human reasoning to the mysterious reasons of God and His Will.

 

Whatever circumstances might present and the response needed and called forth by God have value, great value, be I sewing on a button or extending assistance to my neighbour.

 

Incidentally, I am feeling quite useless just now and I deeply miss my previous suburb and parish and all the opportunities it presented to be about (to my human reasoning) what is valuable and worthwhile.  Hence, I have a need to reflect on my position now and make some sense of it all.  Probably too, I recognize, so ye olde ego can rest easier.  Ego can act in a quite covert manner.  Am I correct that it is ego in my current situation.  No idea whatsoever for sure……….none!  Nor, I further reflect does it really matter……pas du tout!  If it is not ego, then no need for concern.  If it is ego, then only God can correct the situation - I certainly cannot.

 

If it doesn’t matter, why then write about it?  I wrote a poem once and one line ran:

 

"Merely a creative urge and passion would have its fill as passion often will."

 

I tend to think I am just filling in time to be honest.....I have never had so much time on my hands.......

 

I just might be providing some discussion points for my next SD appointment.  Perhaps I am not as useless as I thought I was..........or far more useless than I realise.  C'est la vie.

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The line from the poem I wrote actually ran (memory now tells me). 

"Merely a creative urge none can still - and passion would have its fill, as passion often will." 

Two of my passions are writing and painting.  For some reason I have 'painter's block' i.e. lack motivation and inspiration although more lack of inspiration than motivation........ but not 'writer's block' and don't think that I ever have.

The line above was from one of those poems my Dad confiscated because he felt I had no respect for what I wrote - and probably he was correct back then.  Poems that vanished after his death and by then I had come to an appreciation of what I had written if only as an expression of myself at certain points.  Now and then a line or two might come back to memory.

I can sort of muse on a problem periodically until some time later, I might get the disparate pieces to fit.

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Having teeth on one side of lower jaw extracted tomorrow at 10.30am.  The other side taken out when extraction side has healed. And then lower dentures.

Feeling quite nervous and Joyful to be nervous...........

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Left side bottom teeth are removed.  In October this year it is time for the right side bottom teeth to come out.  Apparently, I have an unusual lower jaw and wearing bottom dentures will be difficult.......not impossible, just difficult.  I will wait and see what unfolds and will travel with the unfoldings.

The removal today was not painful, not really.  A bit of a sting with the injections and then pressure with the actual removals.

A prayer for the student dentist who did the extractions today, he only has a couple of months to graduation.  I have wished him well.  He was a great dentist to have with the very best of 'bedside manners'.

Today I plan in the main to just potter around house and garden (keeping of course my formal prayer times).  This is what I am learning and the hard way in that I have made it difficult for myself.  I just cannot know what is around the next corner, i.e. what will be in the unfoldings.  I certainly never anticipated having the physical difficulties I now have.  And this, I can see, is where the difficulty has occurred: a clash with my expectations versus reality as it has unfolded.  Oh expectations, desires and wishes, goals and dreams how these have brought painful adjustments along the way.  I do not think at all that one should not have them, not at all.  However, to be quite aware that reality can change things without a warning and that is in the Wisdom of Divine Providence hence my own desires etc. are conditional, always conditional.  Truth of the matter is that without consciously realising it, I had a prime investment in my own expectations etc. rather than to be in Peace where I am and attentive to Divine Providence as it might unfold - and as my primary investment. 

This is what I seem to be discovering this side of my journey, that coming into consciousness are unconscious type of matters that I had not anticipated at all.  Expectations, anticipations.............whatever.

Tomorrow night is the St Vinnies monthly meeting.  Saturday night after Vigil Mass I sold raffle tickets for St Vinnies....................widows mite is all I have, if that indeed.  I rejoice in The Lord's embrace of the poor and lowly, although to my ego, I am not at all yet sufficiently poor and lowly..........not at all.  And there is that creature again........i.e. "ego".

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Incidentally, I started on a blog which I have not published.  But it seems to me to be a too time consuming exercise without realising really what I am doing re procedures with blogs.  Hence, I think the best way for me to travel is as I am here on Phatmass and if this thread gets locked, consumed into the archives.....whatever.  Then c'est la vie ......... calling then and only then for new decisions.  Well that is as I see things now and my sight now in all things is conditional to what Divine Providence might ordain.  I thought that was the way I was indeed travelling.........recent events in my journey (physical problems) has revealed to me that "thought" was indeed wrong and defective.

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The other thing I did today was to travel to the dentist via bus with the aid of the walking stick.  It was a big help I must admit while the walking stick does make walking much slower, but no problems with that.   The bus driver was considerate and did not start the bus until I was seated and did not stop suddenly, with a jolt, once I was standing to alight from the bus.  I wanted a test case so I could discern if I can travel to those I really do want to visit - in which case, bus travel is a necessity.  My brother will always take me if I ask, but I would prefer (if possible) not to have a focus on the visit with a side focus on keeping my brother waiting.

My brother brought me home today from the dentist as sometimes one can feel a bit woozy after having the injections necessary for extractions etc.  I phoned him once I was finished at the dentist.  Since neither of us live far from the city (not far from each other as well), it was easy for him to come and pick me up.

 I try to look at things this way:  If I am free of mortal sin and hopefully venial sin as well, then wherever I might be is where Divine Providence places me i.e. where I am meant by God to be as confusing/difficult as this might be to me. Sometimes indeed, I can be very slow 'on the uptake' and that is where the difficulty enters into the picture i.e. because I had not anticipated what may have occurred changing my own perception/concept of my journey.  The difficulty occurs because reality or Divine Providence clashes with my own expectations.    Hence my love of that hymn "Lord of The Dance" (two steps forward, three back, one forward, two back etc. etc.)

I go to Confession whenever I see my SD and I confess all that my conscience might accuse me of without trying to understand if it is merely imperfection or if it is venial sin.  I sure know without doubt where mortal sin might be the case. No problems at all with that one!

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Almost finally, I am allowing my hair to return to its natural grey.  My sons do not like it and prefer I keep it coloured - but I am weary of the cost and effort.  My niece, who is a hairdresser with her own salon, regularly cuts my hair for me.  She has just advised me that as my hair colour slowly returns to grey, she will do foils ever so often so that the two hair colours (brown/grey) are not so obvious @ $15 only for the foils...........and that is amazingly cheap underscored.  She is one of those benefactors of Bethany that stay in my daily prayer.

Most everything here in Bethany has been donated.  Most often when someone updates whatever or no longer wants something, they ask me if I have use for it.

When I first started out all I had was a bed, wardrobe, wringer washing machine and a very ancient fridge.  I had no floor coverings nor window coverings either.  I had minimal cooking needs, hardly any crockery and utensils. It was the Salvation Army that first came to my assistance with all sorts of things without me asking.  My next door neighbour was a member of the Salvos and sighted my plight, or that of Bethany rather.  It is another long story how I was reduced to the lack of material goods.

Finally, every so often at almost 71years of age with so many years hopefully behind me (since my late twenties) of serious mental illness, I have the feeling that as my journey is approaching conclusion, that I haven't really lived the span of years that I have.  I don't think that is a unique experience, in fact I tend to think it might be rather common.  Somehow all those years of illness while retained, some of it, in memory seems to have just dropped out of my journey experience.  I know it all happened intellectually, it just doesn't seem somehow to be incorporated into my personal concept of journey.  Neither, in fact, does my 15 years of marital life.  It is a weird sort of experience when it happens.  My memories of childhood and teenage years even early twenties are quite vivid as part of my journey and then nothing really until probably 12 years ago now when serious bipolar episodes ceased.  Of course I have memories, but they seem somehow to me to be disconnected from my overall journey somehow.   Perhaps it might be because I do not write really about the difficult years........difficult yes even tragic perhaps, but at times also very funny.  I know that person is still here, is still me......."tamed" is the only word I can think of! See my psychiatrist in early September.  It might be good discussion material.  "Tamed" might be an appropriate word when I think about it.  One psychiatrist I saw in the past would say every time I became ill "You being a ratbag again?"

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St Vincent de Paul Society

Vincent's Quote of the Day Quote of the Day – August 8   You have already overcome the greatest difficulties, so you must take courage and hope that God will grant you the grace of overcoming the lesser ones (IV:21).

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Went to St Vinnies meeting tonight.  I had a moment of feeling shamed and lonely, a stranger, to be in the same room as these wonderful people.

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My refrigerator has broken down and I can't afford a new one.  Some time back, my son gave me a small fridge.  I will change my shopping habits and try to make do with the smaller fridge.

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I am going to have to change my diet too with far less fridge and freezer space.  The fridge my son gave me is very small and I might need to go shopping more regularly which is a nuisance nothing more - after a while habit settles in and becomes conditioned behaviour, it is getting to that point that can be the drag and 'hard' work especially since our winter, meaning rain, is still with us .  Friday I will be collecting for our St Vinnies badge day in a local shopping centre.  The next three days to the weekend are full.  I seem to start off a week on Monday with the week looking rather clear, but  by mid week the days are full again.  My ironing client returns from holidays on Monday 15th August and will have a holiday load of ironing for me on Tuesday, meaning that probably Wednesday and Thursday of next week is already committed (ironing) too.

At the moment I am clearing out the fridge which has broken down.  Later in the day will give it a good clean.  I plan to use it as storage for non perishables.  The plus side of a broken down fridge is gratitude I have the smaller fridge, I have more storage space for non perishables.........and reducing my electricity account.  The account arrived yesterday for the past three months. Due to finances, I cannot consider a new fridge until November this year.  I am thinking that if the smaller fridge works for me I wont be buying another fridge nor freezer either.  The nuisance of the situation is a need to walk to the shops every few days as I consider the situation at this point anyway.

Most every situation will have a negative and positive aspect.  Something to be thankful for and something to offer up too. How wonderful is our God when all these little incidents of life can have value........how good He is - and even in a mundane and most ordinary type of life.  And my mind cannot help but turn prayerfully towards those who have tremendous suffering to endure - and the all embracing mystery that life here on earth can so often be.

Deo Gratius.