Should A Parish Priest Have Friends And Favorites?

[Nihil Obstat]

Sometimes people just do not want to spend their personal time with certain people.
A priest has an obligation to minister to his flock and to be very holy. If his friendships hinder that in any way, they are inappropriate. If not, then they are not.

[Pliny]

I think the point has been missed enough times that I should forget about receiving any useful answers...

[blazeingstar]

I think the point has been missed enough times that I should forget about receiving any useful answers...

 

 

Ummm....you asked if priests can be friends with parishoners

 

Answer: yes, as much or as little as they want.

 

Do priests have restrictions in their friendships?

Answer: Sometimes.  It can depend on their superiors.  The diocean priests have no restctritions but are often "smart" about being alone with another person.  The religious priests at my nearby parish can come to a house with 3+ people.  The franciscans I know can only travel in pairs.

 

 

Is the priest being unfair in this case?

 

We don't know.  He seems to like to interact with this family.  It seems after he inserts himself in this situation you believe you are unwelcome.  We have no evidence that this is true, nor have you given us an example.  Just that you are trying to get in with this family.  What more help do you want?

[Pliny]

Thank you blazingstar, but I was looking for something more substantial than opinions, besides that fact that most responses did not address the question.

 

The priest in question told me himself that it is inappropriate for him to have parishioners as friends, so would these posts be sufficient to give him permission to do so?  

 

I have numerous examples but I don't think they will post well.  You'll have to trust me or at least accept hypothetically that this priest makes it clear to me that I am not welcome when he and his little group is present.

[blazeingstar]

Pliny,

 

The priest could just be a jerk.

 

OR

 

He could of said it with 100% meaning it, then realized he may be wrong and embarrassed by his actions so wants to avoid you.  

 

OR

 

He was hurt and lashed out at you because he was having a bad day, and didn't mean what he said.

 

OR

 

My best guess is that the family themselves may be dealing with a situation that requires not friendship, but pastoral council.  In this case not only he, but other members may tend to give you the cold shoulder because they want his advice.  Given that he isn't moving the group to a more private setting (say his office or house) in a manner that would be clearly exclusinary.  The fact that he seems to purpously be keeping himself in an open place would indicate that he is not relaxed, even though he may seem that way when speaking with the family.  Sometimes the most outwardly normal families have deep, scary problems...skeletons like sexual abuse, anger, hate, etc.

 

 

 

Basically you're asking if as a priest should he be held to his word.  Of course.  But until you actually know what's going on (which you may never), you really don't know if he's a jerk breaking his word, a hurting individual who is being ministered to, or if he is ministering to this family about something you don't know.

[Lil Red]

There is a priest at our parish who after Mass or other events always gravitates to talking with a particular small family or one of the members of that family.  And I have noticed that if I'm talking with that family or a member of that family, if he shows up, he usually dismisses me in some way and ends up talking with them himself.

 

Besides the fact that I find this irritating and sometimes a little hurtful (which I suppose is my problem and I'll have to find a way to conquer my sensitivity), is this correct behavior for a priest?

 

The ironic thing is one day he told me that he is not there to "make friends" and I asked him who he talks to when he needs friends and he said "other priests."

 

of course priests should have friends! they definitely need them. but the way you described your priest behaving is a little troubling. my former boss (and priest) played favorites like this, and it was very hurtful to other people. in my opinion (for what it's worth), part of the job of the priest before & after Mass is (for lack of a better word/phrase) glad-handing. he should be courteous and friendly to all parishioners, not constantly gravitating to a particular group.

 

i am happy that where we attend Mass now, the priest is friendly to all the parishioners. I have never seen or heard him treat someone discourteously.

 

on another note, perhaps your priest has a personal problem with you? not that i agree with the way he is treating you, but it might explain his behavior?

[Lil Red]

Pliny,

 

The priest could just be a jerk.

 

OR

 

He could of said it with 100% meaning it, then realized he may be wrong and embarrassed by his actions so wants to avoid you.  

 

OR

 

He was hurt and lashed out at you because he was having a bad day, and didn't mean what he said.

 

OR

 

My best guess is that the family themselves may be dealing with a situation that requires not friendship, but pastoral council.  In this case not only he, but other members may tend to give you the cold shoulder because they want his advice.  Given that he isn't moving the group to a more private setting (say his office or house) in a manner that would be clearly exclusinary.  The fact that he seems to purpously be keeping himself in an open place would indicate that he is not relaxed, even though he may seem that way when speaking with the family.  Sometimes the most outwardly normal families have deep, scary problems...skeletons like sexual abuse, anger, hate, etc.

 

 

 

Basically you're asking if as a priest should he be held to his word.  Of course.  But until you actually know what's going on (which you may never), you really don't know if he's a jerk breaking his word, a hurting individual who is being ministered to, or if he is ministering to this family about something you don't know.

 

great post. :)
 

[Pliny]

of course priests should have friends! they definitely need them. but the way you described your priest behaving is a little troubling. my former boss (and priest) played favorites like this, and it was very hurtful to other people. in my opinion (for what it's worth), part of the job of the priest before & after Mass is (for lack of a better word/phrase) glad-handing. he should be courteous and friendly to all parishioners, not constantly gravitating to a particular group.

 

i am happy that where we attend Mass now, the priest is friendly to all the parishioners. I have never seen or heard him treat someone discourteously.

 

on another note, perhaps your priest has a personal problem with you? not that i agree with the way he is treating you, but it might explain his behavior?

 

Thank you very much Lil Red for trying to see this from my perspective.

 

I can't think of a reason he should have a personal problem with me.  I certainly would be willing to discuss that with him.  I think maybe I'm just not interesting to him and I'm fine with that.  I really don't have that much interest in being friends with either of our priests.  I like to be friendly with them when we naturally meet, but that's about it.

 

Priests should have friends and this particular priest, during a time when he was being unusually friendly with me, told me that they should be other priests and people outside of the parish.  So from my perspective he's behaving very hypocritically.

 

I will admit that I have felt hurt at times, but not so much because he is rejecting me, but because he is also pushing me away from people who I want to be friends with and who seem to be in his exclusive club.

 

You hit the nail on the head:  He "plays favorites."  And regardless of my own feelings or whether they are appropriate, I don't think a priest should do that.

 

I had a falling out today with someone and quit my involvement in a project because of this priest, and that he makes me feel unwelcome.  Maybe it will get back to him and this will be addressed and hopefully resolved.

 

Stay tuned...

[cmaD2006]

 

My best guess is that the family themselves may be dealing with a situation that requires not friendship, but pastoral council.  In this case not only he, but other members may tend to give you the cold shoulder because they want his advice.  Given that he isn't moving the group to a more private setting (say his office or house) in a manner that would be clearly exclusinary.  The fact that he seems to purpously be keeping himself in an open place would indicate that he is not relaxed, even though he may seem that way when speaking with the family.  Sometimes the most outwardly normal families have deep, scary problems...skeletons like sexual abuse, anger, hate, etc.

 

This is what I thought immediately on reading the situation.

 

Case in point, at one parish that I was at there was a woman at the parish (call her Jane).  She had an annoying habit of not realizing when a conversation needed to be private with the parish priest, and she would just hang out in the sacristy (even when no one else was around).  I finally got to the point where if I was in a private conversation with the priest, and she came around, I would immediately stop talking because yes -- it is not her business.

 

So maybe there is a very delicate situation that is going on and that's why the priest shoos you away when he approaches the family (presumably to ask for an update). 

 

Sometimes it is the only opportunity that the priest may get to talk to the family (for whatever reason).

 

I don't know for sure if this is what is happening, but if the "favoritism" is that bothersome to you I would simply not go to the Mass where this priest is at, or go to a completely different parish.  You don't have to subject yourself to the situation.

 

Finally ... you can't be naieve.  Favoritism happens, and I'm sorry to say (and I dare to say) that it happens at most parishes.  I've seen it more than once.  I've been on both sides (where I've been a "favorite" and I've been a "reject" [for a lack of a better word]).  In a perfect world, no, it shouldn't happen, but the reality is that it *does* happen.  And you learn to deal with it in a positive way.

[PhuturePriest]

Ummm....you asked if priests can be friends with parishoners

 

Answer: yes, as much or as little as they want.

 

Do priests have restrictions in their friendships?

Answer: Sometimes.  It can depend on their superiors.  The diocean priests have no restctritions but are often "smart" about being alone with another person.  The religious priests at my nearby parish can come to a house with 3+ people.  The franciscans I know can only travel in pairs.

 

This exactly. My spiritual director and I are close enough that I would call us friends, but he always makes sure that when we have meetings, we are in a public place like a coffeehouse or restaurant, and that we are never sitting by each other. It ensures that nobody that sees us can accuse him of doing anything shady.
 

And yes, I'm aware this has nothing to do with the current situation. :P

Edited February 17, 2014 by FuturePriest387

[cmaD2006]

 

I had a falling out today with someone and quit my involvement in a project because of this priest, and that he makes me feel unwelcome.  Maybe it will get back to him and this will be addressed and hopefully resolved.

 

 

:(  :console:

 

I know how that is like ... I'm sorry.  And if I came across strongly on my previous post is because I've recently dealt with the negative side of favoritism (and as I said -- I learn to deal with it).

[Pliny]

:(  :console:

 

I know how that is like ... I'm sorry.  And if I came across strongly on my previous post is because I've recently dealt with the negative side of favoritism (and as I said -- I learn to deal with it).

 

I'll tell you where the real hurtfulness is.  It's that the person that I thought was a friend and who I thought I was going to become better friends with, along with her husband and son, think this priest can do no wrong, enjoy being favorites (though I don't think they totally realize they are), and will side with him.  So what I really have to accept is that me being friends with them ain't gonna happen.  

 

What I'm going to have to accept is that when this priest comes along and bumps me out of the friendly conversation I was having, that that's maybe what they prefer as well.  

 

Thank you for your compassionate response.

[cmaD2006]

I'll tell you where the real hurtfulness is.  It's that the person that I thought was a friend and who I thought I was going to become better friends with, along with her husband and son, think this priest can do no wrong, enjoy being favorites (though I don't think they totally realize they are), and will side with him.  So what I really have to accept is that me being friends with them ain't gonna happen.  

 

 

Eh you may still be able to be friends with them.  I have a friend who were very close to a priest who I have very strong (negative) opinions about.  I just listen and nod when that topic comes up (and I shut up -- no need to voice my negative opinions; they already know a small part of what I think and don't need the full details).

 

On the flipside, that same friend has a very strong negative opinion about another priest, who although I don't think he's an angel, I think he's basically good or at least trying to be a faithful priest.  Again -- I will voice my opinion but I just let it drop and try to move to a different topic.

[Lil Red]

Thank you very much Lil Red for trying to see this from my perspective.

 

I can't think of a reason he should have a personal problem with me.  I certainly would be willing to discuss that with him.  I think maybe I'm just not interesting to him and I'm fine with that.  I really don't have that much interest in being friends with either of our priests.  I like to be friendly with them when we naturally meet, but that's about it.

 

Priests should have friends and this particular priest, during a time when he was being unusually friendly with me, told me that they should be other priests and people outside of the parish.  So from my perspective he's behaving very hypocritically.

 

I will admit that I have felt hurt at times, but not so much because he is rejecting me, but because he is also pushing me away from people who I want to be friends with and who seem to be in his exclusive club.

 

You hit the nail on the head:  He "plays favorites."  And regardless of my own feelings or whether they are appropriate, I don't think a priest should do that.

 

I had a falling out today with someone and quit my involvement in a project because of this priest, and that he makes me feel unwelcome.  Maybe it will get back to him and this will be addressed and hopefully resolved.

 

Stay tuned...

 

in my opinion, i'd confront it head-on, not wait for this to get back to him. even if he straight up lies to your face by telling you nothing is wrong, your conscience is clear that you've tried to address the problem. like blazingstar said, sometimes priests are just jerks. if you prefer to stay at that parish, be polite, distant, and professional with him and with his favorites.

[Pliny]

The priest in question is not the pastor, but the parochial vicar and a new priest.  I told my pastor I was having some issues with him and whether he wanted me to discuss it with him, or go to the pv, and he said I should deal with him directly and let him know my thoughts and feelings.  So I'm going to have a discussion, but I'm going to let it wait until next week.  I want to make sure I'm perfectly calm and that I have this in its proper perspective.

 

I'll post the outcome of our talk.

 

[cappie]

 

Not for a priest specifically but....

 

ames reminds us of Christ's command to "love your neighbour as yourself." The poison of favouritism is the toxin of not loving everyone equally. Special friends are good to have – and necessary. Jesus embraced Peter, James and John as his closest friends. But when we deliberately ignore the needs of those who are not in our circle of friends, excluding them from our gift of love, we are committing the sin of favouritism.

The easiest way to learn what God's love for us is like is by experiencing unconditional love from close, Christ-centred friends. But as helpful and holy as good friendships are, to grow in holiness we must extend our love to others – to those we prefer not to be with, who are outside our circle of preferred companions – and we should make sure that we treat them with the same generous caring as we have been giving to those on the inside.

This goes against our natural desires. We need to continually ask the Holy Spirit to advise us on how be balanced. How much time should we give to our dear friends? Is there someone else who could benefit from our love and attention? How can we best serve them without neglecting our own genuine needs?

When we're truly trying to love everyone equally, our open attitude will attract many to us. They will see an example of what God's love is really like, and Jesus will embrace us as close friends. He already loves you as much as he loved Peter, James and John.

[Seven77]

Wow… I know exactly how you feel. I've been going to a particular parish for about 5 years or more and the parish priest, whether consciously or not, treats me the same way. I try to be courteous and greet the priest but I get the feeling that doesn't really want to talk to me. Once, on Christmas, as I headed towards the door and tried to wish him,  he straight up ignored me and talked to somebody else. I don't know what I have done but I feel unwelcome. It doesn't make sense to me. Is it because I am in a wheelchair or speak slow? I do have friends at that parish who speak to me. Interestingly, this priest doesn't really talk to my mother and the nurse who accompanies us either. It's straight up scandalizing to me. I try not to think about it. Jesus would never treat anyone like that. I've about had it with the hypocrisy… many Catholics are only pro-life to a point. I was valuable when I was in my mother's womb--- when the heck did I lose my value? Sorry if it sounds like I am griping. Nobody here knows me as the type of person to do that.