Why Get Married

[polskieserce]

The question you are asking has fewer solid answers than it did in the past, hence the decline in marriage.  Marriage has been on the decline for a long time.  There is no single reason why marriage has gone downhill.  Rather, it is a combination of multiple factors that have come together to change the playing field.  But here are the reasons why, in no particular order (as they come to me).  This probably isn't all of them, but it should be most of them.

 

1. Sexual Revolution - Ever since this social change and the advent of birth control, it has been easier and more socially acceptable for people to have sex outside of marriage.  There is no urgent rush to get married at 18 if you can have sex without marriage and not have to worry about a kid.

 

2. Prolonged Educational Requirements - In the 50s in the US, it was much easier for people to get out of high school, get a blue collar job, and have one person support the entire family on that income.  Nowadays, people have to get advanced education beyond high school, which can take several more years.  This undoubtedly adds several years onto the typical age when people get married.

 

3. People are less traditional/religious than before - People don't follow the old-school traditions/religious teachings like they did in previous decades.  People are more individualistic and more open to other practices that their grandparents would never have even considered.  People want to enjoy life after going through years of school before getting tied down with responsibilities once again.

 

4. Anti-male Divorce Laws - I already know some people are going to fight me on this statement since that's exactly what happened in threads I started in the past.  However, let me assure you that I do understand the laws.  The laws on the books now treat men like untapped crude oil that is a resource for women to use.  This is basically the reason why Bush was trying to tell poor women to get married, so the guy they are with and not the government is responsible for them.  Guys going through the divorce get raped by the system.  Child custody, child support, alimony, division of property, domestic abuse allegations, attorney fees.....guys get SCREWED in all of these ways.

 

4.5 Pro-Female Sentiment in Society -This is highly connected with reason 4, so I didn't count this as an entirely separate point.  But overall, society is pretty pro-female from a social/cultural standpoint and a policy standpoint.  Obama has pushed to lower the burden of proof to have a college guy be guilty of rape.  Also, all a girl has to do to get a guy in trouble is report the guy for hitting her, show the police a bruise (even if the guy didn't do it), cry about it in front of the judge, and the guy is 100% guilty :rolleyes:  The examples are too numerous to list, so I'm not even gonna try listing all of them.

 

5. Marriage Strike - In reaction to 4 and 4.5, there is a growing movement of men who are openly anti-marriage due to the unfairness of the legal system and are refusing the sign the legal contract.  After all, any lawyer will tell you that if you don't agree with the terms of a legal contract, you should not be signing it.

 

6. Financial incentives to stay unmarried but no incentive to marry - I don't know the specifics of these, but I heard that people are able to get more benefits if the woman is "officially" single and has a child out of wedlock as opposed to having a child to a man she's married to.  That and some changes in SS benefits (again I don't know the specifics of this point, so I can't answer in detail).

 

7. Absurd Divorce Rate - Why marry and spend so much money on a wedding if there is a good chance it won't last?  Doesn't sound like a very good return on investment.

 

8. Marriage is no longer the symbol of honor it once was - This kind of ties in with point 3 but I wanted to emphasize this specific detail more.  At one time, marriage was a much stronger symbol of honor between two people.  Divorce was a dirty scandal that made the whole family feel ashamed.  Nowadays, it's outrageous to even consider hoping that one's spouse, man or woman, is a virgin :rolleyes:  It is a disposable contract that people tear up once someone gets bored of their spouse.

 

9. Judgment Free Culture - People have an expanded sense of what is permissible and what's not.  They feel that no matter how outrageous their actions are, that it is nobody's place to judge them in a bigoted, archaic way :rolleyes:  This plays into marriage because it gives them the sense that they can commit numerous sexual indiscretions and not have to deal with any social stigma.

 

That's all I could think of for now.

 

 

Despite the evidence that marriage lowers poverty rates, many poorer women do not marry for due to the idea that the men around them are not "marriageable." They feel that the men wouldn't work, and just be an extra mouth to feed, therefore being an extra stressor. It's not so much because of birth control, but because it's better for them economically to NOT be married. 

 

I read an article a few months ago that addressed this very issue.  According to the article, most poor women who did get married were divorced shortly after and they were worse of than if they had never married in the first place, for the reason you pointed out (unstable men).

 

that's true, but I believe by any objective measure the situation with young men is worse. If for no other reason that women have a biological clock., the ticking of which can mature them quite rapidly. But I think western culture has also infantilized men in a particular way.

 

Well look at what has been happening to men over the past few decades.  It is only natural for men to take it easy with the institution of marriage.

 

I think many view formal marriage as unnecessary if they're comfortable living together and don't feel compelled to make anything "official."

 

You hit the nail right on the head.

 

[arfink]

I always wonder why we have these discussions on PM. If you want to find a spouse that's cool, but complaining about our entire culture as if it's conspired against you to make it impossible to find a suitable mate is kinda ridiculous. Finding a really good spouse has ALWAYS been hard.

[HisChildForever]

Well I for one am so excited to get married!  :bounce: I'll be a newly minted 27-year old and my fiancee will be just a couple months shy of 30. We make a combined 71k a year (hopefully that'll go up because he's due for a promotion/raise), we live in one of the most expensive parts of the country, and I owe close to 500 a month for my student loans. BUT we're going to make it work--and will be TTW during all this!! lol!

[arfink]

Well I for one am so excited to get married!  :bounce: I'll be a newly minted 27-year old and my fiancee will be just a couple months shy of 30. We make a combined 71k a year (hopefully that'll go up because he's due for a promotion/raise), we live in one of the most expensive parts of the country, and I owe close to 500 a month for my student loans. BUT we're going to make it work--and will be TTW during all this!! lol!

 

We're looking at starting out with probably less than half that. We'll be living in one of the least expensive parts of the country though.

[polskieserce]

I always wonder why we have these discussions on PM. If you want to find a spouse that's cool, but complaining about our entire culture as if it's conspired against you to make it impossible to find a suitable mate is kinda ridiculous. Finding a really good spouse has ALWAYS been hard.

 

Lol I'm not using this thread to complain.  I think the threads I started served the purpose well.  All I did was make a comprehensive list of reasons, and anti-male divorce laws and cultural sentiments are a part of that picture.  There is nothing ridiculous about that stuff, especially when you consider how many men hold that view.  You even said yourself in a prior thread that you have no opinion on that stuff.  So how are you now able to say the viewpoint is ridiculous if you supposedly had no opinion on the topic?  And I never said finding a good spouse was easy.

[southern california guy]

Lol I'm not using this thread to complain.  I think the threads I started served the purpose well.  All I did was make a comprehensive list of reasons, and anti-male divorce laws and cultural sentiments are a part of that picture.  There is nothing ridiculous about that stuff, especially when you consider how many men hold that view.  You even said yourself in a prior thread that you have no opinion on that stuff.  So how are you now able to say the viewpoint is ridiculous if you supposedly had no opinion on the topic?  And I never said finding a good spouse was easy.

 

I thought your post was excellent.  And I am married.

[arfink]

Lol I'm not using this thread to complain.  I think the threads I started served the purpose well.  All I did was make a comprehensive list of reasons, and anti-male divorce laws and cultural sentiments are a part of that picture.  There is nothing ridiculous about that stuff, especially when you consider how many men hold that view.  You even said yourself in a prior thread that you have no opinion on that stuff.  So how are you now able to say the viewpoint is ridiculous if you supposedly had no opinion on the topic?  And I never said finding a good spouse was easy.

 

You seem to believe I directed that comment at you. Amusing.

 

As for my stating I had no opinion, that was only in regards to legal issues, not to the myriad other things you like to complain about.

[AugustineA]

Let's all just stay single and get more done. 

[Ice_nine]

ugh, how do I block people on this site so I can't see thier posts?

[ardillacid]

their*

[Ice_nine]

thx 4 ur help

Edited March 31, 2014 by Ice_nine

[Basilisa Marie]

ugh, how do I block people on this site so I can't see thier posts?

 

You go into your user settings and find the "ignore" feature, and type their name in there. 

[polskieserce]

ugh, how do I block people on this site so I can't see thier posts?

 

lol

[southern california guy]

Something that I find curious is that many people divorce within a year of "marriage" -- even though they lived together for years.

 

I even had a friend at work who did not want to marry his girlfriend -- even though they had been living together for over 20 years and had two grown daughters -- because he had seen friends who had lived together before "marriage" get divorced a year or two after marriage.  In his words it was ".. working, why mess with it?"

 

So why does this happen?

[CatherineM]

Something that I find curious is that many people divorce within a year of "marriage" -- even though they lived together for years.

I even had a friend at work who did not want to marry his girlfriend -- even though they had been living together for over 20 years and had two grown daughters -- because he had seen friends who had lived together before "marriage" get divorced a year or two after marriage. In his words it was ".. working, why mess with it?"

So why does this happen?

Same reason people who have a baby and divorce quickly. The relationship is tanking and the couple think having a baby or buying a house together or finally getting married will fix the problem.

[add]

Getting married because of children instead of getting married for children is the crux of the problem
When I married 31 years ago, my young bride and I moved in together and got to know each other

I lost my beautiful wife a few years ago to cancer, I thoroughly enjoyed and loved every second of our time together.

We have three grown children, who have out starting their own lives now, away from me.

I feel sorry for unmarried couples don't know the joy of holy matrimony and a good relationship

But that's just me

Edited April 3, 2014 by add

[Semper Catholic]

Lol my two favorite prevalent themes in one thread:
1. Blaming women.
2. Things were better in the oldy times.

Every time we have a teenage marine come running to us saying he's thinking of getting married our immediate advice is to always 100% wait.

People used to get arrived out of necessity now it's not as big of an issue. Either way it's a good thing that people are waiting longer.

[add]

Lol my two favorite prevalent themes in one thread:
1. Blaming women.
2. Things were better in the oldy times.

Every time we have a teenage marine come running to us saying he's thinking of getting married our immediate advice is to always 100% wait.

People used to get arrived out of necessity now it's not as big of an issue. Either way it's a good thing that people are waiting longer.

What are you waiting for?

[Semper Catholic]

What are you waiting for?

I'm getting married this summer, but I'm also 26. There were times when I wanted to get married when is was in my early 20s. Looking back I'm glad I dodged that bullet.

[AugustineA]

I have come to a singular conclusion. If we all have ten children, it's likely that at least a few will end up ardent Catholics, and the others will likely be comfortable with Catholic culture. Therefore, everyone who isn't a monk or Priest out to get married and produce many babies..