Do You Tell Strangers About Wanting To Enter Religious Life?

[Blue.Rose]

I'm thinking about the awkwardness that comes with being single. In my previous job, I worked with a lot of older people and got a lot of surprised responses when they found out I wasn't married or in a relationship.
Only a few close Catholic friends know I'm discerning and I'm not comfortable about telling the world I might end up a nun because I might not end up one.
So I was wondering what other discerners do?
Do you tell people? Strangers?
The awkwardness I feel is people often think I'm lonely and I get sympathy remarks or have friends send me valentine gifts because they think I must be depressed because I'm single which is far from the truth.

[Lilllabettt]

The awkwardness I feel is people often think I'm lonely and I get sympathy remarks or have friends send me valentine gifts because they think I must be depressed because I'm single which is far from the truth.

 

Oh honey. That is so obnoxious. I wouldn't put up with that for 2 seconds and neither should you.

[Luigi]

Tell them you've got a steady, he's just not here in town.

[beatitude]

I am in this situation perpetually, as I am a candidate with a secular institute. We don't wear a habit or any other distinguishing sign, as per our charism, so I quite often have people asking about my romantic life or even trying to set me up with people. For many reasons (including the fact that unobtrusiveness is part of our charism also) I don't want to go explaining my way of life to every single person who asks, so I just smile, say I'm not interested in dating, and change the subject. Hopefully I can show people by my actions that I'm getting by pretty cheerfully as I am and that your life's happiness doesn't necessarily depend on a romantic relationship.

[cartermia]

I came up with a fake boy friend, he is named after St. Luke the Gospel writer. Cause I couldn't say Jesus and I were dating, that would just seem odd... :unsure: :pinch:

[Dominican Nuns Menlo Park]

Tell them you've got a steady, he's just not here in town.

 

That what I said to one of the guy friends who asked me out before I entered the monastery :).  I told him I've already found 'Mr. Right' in San Francisco.  We ended up being best friends.  He didn't know who 'Mr. Right' was until the entrance date was around the corner. 

 

Don't pay attention to what people say or what they may be thinking...only what God thinks of you...and God certainly is pleased with those who wish to serve him.  Praying for you...

[maximillion]

I agree, don't let yourself be pressured into saying something you don't feel comfortable with.........

 

Something along the lines of 'I'm taken and my personal life is not something I'm happy discussing, but thanks for asking.' with a sweet smile........

[Dominican Nuns Menlo Park]

I agree, don't let yourself be pressured into saying something you don't feel comfortable with.........

 

Something along the lines of 'I'm taken and my personal life is not something I'm happy discussing, but thanks for asking.' with a sweet smile........

 

Yes, a sweet smile is the best...it always makes people wondered and tickled!

[freedomreigns]

This doesn't completely apply to your question, but is a bit similar in that sometimes I would be asked for info I did not yet want to share.  

 

The last year before I entered the convent people at work kept asking me why I kept going to visit NY.  I got questions like, "Did you see the Statue of Liberty?" and "Did you go shopping?" and "Where did you stay?" and "Do you have a boyfriend there?"  I always said I was "visiting friends!"  Totally true but not giving a lot of info.  After like the 4th visit that year someone asked, "Are you going to move there?" and I said, "Probably..."

 

Eventually, after my acceptance, the mystery was solved for all of those inquiring minds!  :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Hemma]

My spiritual director does not want me to talk about my "plans", at best with nobody. It's even one of his strongest advices! I suppose he has good reasons for that from his experience with his own vocation and other vocations as well.

 

There are mainly two reasons: 1) It could happen that I won't end up in a convent. In that case I don't need to explain to others why it didn't work out for me.

2) Others can't comment on it or even disturb me. Sometimes people feel urged to prevent or even rescue you from becoming a religious fanatic, entering a sect or whatever they might think...

 

You spare yourself a lot of trouble if you find smart alibis ... My spiritual director is still more radical:

For me the main problem is the question "what are you going to do after your traineeship?" (nine months left). My spiritual director told me: "stay cool, just say "I don't know yet". And if it's three days before the end of the traineeship, just say "oh, well, we shall see"." This is really radical! because what will people say then! (Of course I will do so...)

[SilentJoy]

I had a funny experience with this.

 

I have a little lawn care business; a couple of my customers needed to know that I might be out of town for a few days, because it meant that their mowing schedules would be changed. Of course they asked where I was going, and when I got back they needed to know why I went. I said I was just visiting some friends.

 

One lady wasn't satisfied with that answer.

 

Lady: "Oh? How do you know these friends?"

Me: "We've been penpals for a little while."

Lady: "But how did you meet them?"

Me: "Online."

Lady: "And you just...went up by yourself and visited people you met online?"

Me: "They're really nice."

 

Later I began the application process and when it was really going well I had to mention to my customers that I might not be around in the spring (I felt like they needed to know in the fall so they didn't have to scramble to find someone at the last minute).

 

The lady was disapproving.

 

Lady: "Why??? Where are you going?...does this have anything to do with those friends?"

Me: "Well...ya, I was thinking of moving up by them, actually."

Lady: "YOU MET PEOPLE ONLINE AND NOW YOU'RE MOVING IN WITH THEM??"

Me: "They're really, really nice. And the scenery is amazing."

Lady: "How many ARE there anyway?"

Me: "Well, its kind of a big family."

Lady: "You do realize that this is...just...stupid and dangerous and I won't allow you to do it?"

Me: Its a Monastery."

Lady: "...its a...like...with nuns? YOU KNEW I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING UP THERE WITH POT-SMOKERS TO LIVE IN A VW VAN!!"

 

[ChristinaTherese]

If I'm actually around them much, I'm careful about telling people. It's pretty hard for me to keep a secret, though, so if people are curious enough I generally tell.
If I'm not going to see them again much if at all, I'm free enough. I mean, why should I care what people do or don't know if they don't see me day to day?
And then sometimes I just end up bursting out laughing because of how things play out (like I did last night at dinner) and feel a bit beholden to explain why I burst out laughing and didn't answer at all for a few minutes, because it tends to leave people feeling pretty awkward.

[Lilllabettt]

I think you've gotten some good advice in terms of managing the situation in a non-confrontational way. 

If you have the gumption in the moment, though, I'd encourage you to avoid appeasing these people and address the rudeness of their behavior directly. You would be doing a service to the world.

 

I mean, going so far as to openly pity someone, for any reason, is a high level of rude in my opinion.

 

[PhuturePriest]

I always tell people I'm applying to the seminary if they ask about my future plans. It's not bad to do that, plus I'm just an open person, but if you choose to start telling people about religious life, be sure to make sure you don't start flaunting it for compliments. I get gifts and recognition all the time because of it, and I'm always making sure I don't mention it without reason to avoid making it about me.

 

Also, tell the people who assume you're depressed because you are without a boyfriend to floopy off. Being single can be just as enjoyable and fulfilled as being married or in a relationship, and a lot of the times you're happier than some people who are in marriages and relationships. I know many people in toxic relationships who would see being single as heaven.

[Credo in Deum]

I'm thinking about the awkwardness that comes with being single. In my previous job, I worked with a lot of older people and got a lot of surprised responses when they found out I wasn't married or in a relationship.
Only a few close Catholic friends know I'm discerning and I'm not comfortable about telling the world I might end up a nun because I might not end up one.
So I was wondering what other discerners do?
Do you tell people? Strangers?
The awkwardness I feel is people often think I'm lonely and I get sympathy remarks or have friends send me valentine gifts because they think I must be depressed because I'm single which is far from the truth.

 

I would simply tell people....

[Blue.Rose]

I had a funny experience with this.

I have a little lawn care business; a couple of my customers needed to know that I might be out of town for a few days, because it meant that their mowing schedules would be changed. Of course they asked where I was going, and when I got back they needed to know why I went. I said I was just visiting some friends.

One lady wasn't satisfied with that answer.

Lady: "Oh? How do you know these friends?"
Me: "We've been penpals for a little while."
Lady: "But how did you meet them?"
Me: "Online."
Lady: "And you just...went up by yourself and visited people you met online?"
Me: "They're really nice."

Later I began the application process and when it was really going well I had to mention to my customers that I might not be around in the spring (I felt like they needed to know in the fall so they didn't have to scramble to find someone at the last minute).

The lady was disapproving.

Lady: "Why??? Where are you going?...does this have anything to do with those friends?"
Me: "Well...ya, I was thinking of moving up by them, actually."
Lady: "YOU MET PEOPLE ONLINE AND NOW YOU'RE MOVING IN WITH THEM??"
Me: "They're really, really nice. And the scenery is amazing."
Lady: "How many ARE there anyway?"
Me: "Well, its kind of a big family."
Lady: "You do realize that this is...just...stupid and dangerous and I won't allow you to do it?"
Me: Its a Monastery."
Lady: "...its a...like...with nuns? YOU KNEW I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING UP THERE WITH POT-SMOKERS TO LIVE IN A VW VAN!!"

Lol!! :D

[Antigonos]

I had a funny experience with this.

 

I have a little lawn care business; a couple of my customers needed to know that I might be out of town for a few days, because it meant that their mowing schedules would be changed. Of course they asked where I was going, and when I got back they needed to know why I went. I said I was just visiting some friends.

 

One lady wasn't satisfied with that answer.

 

Lady: "Oh? How do you know these friends?"

Me: "We've been penpals for a little while."

Lady: "But how did you meet them?"

Me: "Online."

Lady: "And you just...went up by yourself and visited people you met online?"

Me: "They're really nice."

 

Later I began the application process and when it was really going well I had to mention to my customers that I might not be around in the spring (I felt like they needed to know in the fall so they didn't have to scramble to find someone at the last minute).

 

The lady was disapproving.

 

Lady: "Why??? Where are you going?...does this have anything to do with those friends?"

Me: "Well...ya, I was thinking of moving up by them, actually."

Lady: "YOU MET PEOPLE ONLINE AND NOW YOU'RE MOVING IN WITH THEM??"

Me: "They're really, really nice. And the scenery is amazing."

Lady: "How many ARE there anyway?"

Me: "Well, its kind of a big family."

Lady: "You do realize that this is...just...stupid and dangerous and I won't allow you to do it?"

Me: Its a Monastery."

Lady: "...its a...like...with nuns? YOU KNEW I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING UP THERE WITH POT-SMOKERS TO LIVE IN A VW VAN!!"

 

This lady seems a bit too nosy, IMHO.  Even if you were going off to a hippie commune [boy, that shows my age -- do any still exist?], what business is it of hers?

 

If asked about future plans, what's wrong with "I'm working on something, but my plans aren't yet finalized, so it would be premature to describe them" and leave it at that.
 

[ChristinaTherese]

What a priest suggested one day was that I simply say something like: "And why do you need to know?" (I wasn't going to see the people again anyway, and I'd burst out laughing after they asked something about two different orders, the one I was visiting and the one I'm thinking of more (which I had not mentioned once and had not particularly seriously mentioned in prayer that if He really wanted me to consider it God should have someone else mention it without them knowing anything, hence my laughter), so I kind of felt that I owed them an explanation for laughing in their faces and didn't care one way of the other what they knew. He apparently didn't think it very wise.) I still don't know if I care one way or another if I'm free answering people I'm likely to never see again in my life, but it seems like a good plan of action.

[Spem in alium]

If I feel comfortable enough with the person, even if they are a stranger, I don't see why there's any harm in telling them I'm discerning if they have asked me about my future plans. Some strangers I've told have actually been incredibly supportive to the point that they've really helped me on my journey.

 

 My five-year school reunion is coming up in a few months, and I have no idea how I'll handle that. I went to a Catholic girl's school, but the majority of girls in my year will likely not be receptive - they would likely openly ask a person if they were dating anyone, and pity them if they were single, so I struggle to imagine how they would take the idea of someone entering a convent. Plus, I've not seen most of these girls since graduation day.

 

Some of my good friends don't yet know I'm discerning, and most of them don't know how serious I am. At the moment, that part is still between me and Jesus. When people who know ask me if I'm still discerning, I tell them yes and give them space to ask any additional questions. I'm open to talking about it, but I don't go shouting it from the rooftops (well...only rarely). :)

 

 

[BarbTherese]

Telling others if they ask might be a good means of evangelising.  Sometimes the response to a statement that one is considering say religious life is silence.  Other times it leads to all sorts of questions and discussions.  Sometimes of course a discerner may not be comfortable with stating their discerning and this is fair enough, I think.  We each travel as we are called.

 

Being in the discernment stage only could be an opportunity to educate others about what discernment is all about - and again, providing one is comfortable with this situation.  If one is going to be upset by others trying to rescue them from such a 'dreadful fate' as religious life etc., then it might be best to refrain from telling others.

 

Most all people never ask me why I have not married, they take it for granted that there is some ordinary negative type of life situation type reason why I have not.  To quite a few amongst my family and my friends, the Home Mass for renewal and receiving of private vows has come as a really big surprise but also as a positive explanation as to why I have not married as a quite positive choice by me unhindered by any negative reason(s) and just how I do live my life.  It is also an education for them in Catholic vocational theology since none had ever heard of private vows in the single celibate state - and no innovation either since Vatican II.  Pope Pius XII mentioned us and favourably *** see below.

 

My long time spiritual director (priest religious and theologian) said to me before he died : "Go through life merrily casting your seeds and don't hang around to see what happens"  And this is very often what does happen, in that one plants a small seed and moves on.  Sometimes, one later might discover that that seed germinated and bore fruit - most of the time we don't know outcome if any.  I see this in the Parable of the Sower.  Seeds are sown in all sorts of soil types, but the sower does not hang around to see what happens but moves on sowing his seeds as he goes and in all kinds of soil not being carefully discerning to sow only in the productive and fertile soil.

 

Ours is to labour in the vineyard - The Lord alone grants success as He May Will and "The Spirit blows where it will".

 

______________________

***

Sacra Virginitas (Pope Pius XII) 1954

http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/pius_xii/encyclicals/documents/hf_p-xii_enc_25031954_sacra-virginitas_en.html

"6. And while this perfect chastity is the subject of one of the three vows which constitute the religious state,[9] and is also required by the Latin Church of clerics in major orders[10] and demanded from members of Secular Institutes,[11] it also flourishes among many who are lay people in the full sense: men and women who are not constituted in a public state of perfection and yet by private promise or vow completely abstain from marriage and sexual pleasures, in order to serve their neighbor more freely and to be united with God more easily and more closely."