Bridal spirituality

[MarysLittleFlower]

I know some are really attracted to this and others are not. For me its been something that lead to my discernment in a way, years ago now. I've kind of understood it more over time as it can relate to religious life and also interior life based on Catholic books. Anyway I hope this thread won't be a debate... I'm not here to discuss whether there is a difference in how it relates to CVs and nuns, - I remember there were huge discussions about that. 

I'm just wondering if anyone can relate in being drawn to this but having a bit of fear about it because of how it would be totally misunderstood (really opposed) by some other people (like perhaps general society where it might be seen as something odd). Some women love the imagery but of course it has a theological meaning that is quite deep and relates even to things like mental prayer and interior life (for more info look up the brilliant exposition of the Song of Songs by Fr Juan Arintero OP, in the book "Song of Songs: a Mystical Exposition). Women who are discerning may be drawn to seeing Jesus as their only Beloved. 

I find that there's often a fear in me in having something so personal just being ripped apart by others. Like people in the world who may think that you have this approach because you want a boyfriend (which is so not true but that's what I mean, its misunderstood). I recently got a ring just to help me have more commitment to my decision, and I wear it on the right hand but it looks just like a wedding band (actually it is). I had it lightly engraved with 'ego Dilecto meo' - I am my Beloved's, but in Latin so no one understands it. (Except if you happen to speak Latin ;)). And sometimes I wonder - if co workers, people on the bus, etc, knew what this was about, what would they say? For example if you tell someone you don't want to marry, you might not shock people (strangers) too much, but if you mention brides of Christ you would get all kinds of responses especially from people who don't believe in Him at all. I guess to many it might just seem like a make believe thing. Some might not realize this is spiritual and pure as well. It made me sad at some point to realize that the most dearest and personal relationship to me might be something made up and weird to people. Then there are Christians who disagree with it theologically but I'm not going to debate something so personal. 

Can anyone relate? Or any thoughts? I finally realized after 6 years or so that I have some fear of this spirituality but at the same time its how I relate to Our Lord. That fear sometimes makes me wonder - is this truly ok? Is Jesus pleased by it? Is it too bold, too emotional, too intense, though chaste? Maybe peoples criticisms of it, or potential criticisms, have made me afraid. I just realized what my problem is :D How do you see it? 

Edited June 28, 2015 by MarysLittleFlower

[beatitude]

I love the Song of Songs, but despite reading and meditating on it often, bridal imagery does not really speak to me. I've always found it intriguing that a refrain in the Song of Songs is "my sister, my bride" - and this is how I relate most strongly to Christ, as his sister. This makes sense, as my secular institute is founded in the spirituality of Bl. Charles de Foucauld, who referred to himself always as "a little brother of Jesus".

All human relationships are inadequate for describing the soul's intimacy with God. We use human relationships as metaphors because they're all we have, and different imagery may speak to us at different times in our lives - one day I might find that bridal imagery helpful, for example. If it is meaningful to you, why worry about what others would think?

You have written quite a lot about fear lately. I think you need to be gentle with yourself and remember that the one thing that matters is to love Jesus and to allow his own love into our lives. We make this so much harder for ourselves than it needs to be.

An example: when I was about nine years old I sometimes used to surprise my parents with coffee when they woke up on Saturday morning. I would get up extra early and creep downstairs and make the coffee. They used to be so touched and grateful. It was only when I was fourteen that I discovered they had never actually drunk any of that coffee, but had discreetly poured it away when I wasn't looking, because I'd made it so strong that it was like solidified mud. But that didn't matter to them. What mattered to them was my kindness in making it. It is the same with Jesus. He is never peering over our shoulder tutting sternly to himself as we make the coffee, thinking, "She's put too much milk again, I don't like milk!" and being displeased with us. He knows the love in our efforts.

[MarysLittleFlower]

Thanks Beatitude! its true fear is my main problem in general. That's such a sweet story about your parents and coffee I believe too Jesus looks at the intent. I don't fully understand why this has become such a major part of how I personally relate to Him, and for years now. Its become more understood and I hope deeper over time. I seem to relate to Saints as well who had a similar view of Our Lord. I don't know why some souls are so drawn to this and some are drawn primarily to another image - but souls are very unique. I see Him in other ways too like my Creator, and King, and I see me as His child. Maybe the bridal imagery was used by Saints like St John of the Cross to describe the spiritual life because it shows something about our relationship with Him and they wanted to express some sort of spiritual closeness to Christ and self giving to Him. Also if I understand correctly, marriage is like an earthly image of the union of Christ and the Church, and in Heaven we wouldn't have marriage but only union with God. So if you don't marry on earth for Christ its like starting to live that sort of life here - of course without being in union with God yet or the Beatific vision. Then we see it also in mystical theology and the 7th Mansion of St Teresa and Jesus used that imagery too with some Saints who had a mystical 'espousal'. Based on all this I am not worried about the doctrine because there's such support of it in tradition. But for myself, yes some fear. 

[BarbTherese]

Like people in the world who may think that you have this approach because you want a boyfriend

 

It's not only some people (not all) in the world who have problems with religious life and bridal imagery.  Even some priests and religious (not all) can have problems with it.

For me the spiritual life is all about striving for intimacy with and to be united to God.  Marriage is about two becoming one, hence Unity with God, the summit of the spiritual and mystical life, can have bridal imagery which, to me is not inappropriate..............while I sometimes wonder about those who identify with bridal imagery and what it means to them and it seems to be sometimes more about the romantic and identifying with the Sacrament of Marriage and bride and bridegroom or wife and husband.  Personally, I do not identify with bridal imagery but I can understand and insight why it can be appropriate for those that might if they insight why marriage is an image of the summit of the spiritual and mystical or Unity with God.  I do think that bridal imagery is more allegorical than literal.

[puellapaschalis]

A few years ago I was left cold by the idea of nuns (or rather, the possibility of myself as a nun) being 'Brides of Christ'. It took a while, but I came round - but it's not the frilly, pink, flowy and (if you'll excuse the expression) namby-pamby way in which it so often gets presented.

One aspect I came to accept was that this imagery, whilst helpful for the fishbowl-gazers, is in the first instance intended for the individual to help her understand how she and Christ relate to one another. Many more religious have lived their lives than have written about it.

Or in other words: stuff what anyone else might think. Keep praying, keep growing, keep trusting, and trust your director and Confessor. It will all come good if you stay faithful.

[MarysLittleFlower]

Thanks for the replies both of you commented on the concern here - making it romantic, frilly etc. That concern makes sense... I can't speak for others but for myself I wouldn't say its a desire for a husband because I wouldn't want anyone except Christ. But more than that, there seems to be a quality to this that is very unique. It would not apply to an earthly fiancee or husband with romantic ideas. I think Jesus' love is very tender and expressive but there is a seriousness and gravity about it where too much romanticism in the description or images would water it down. If we look at the Saints... He is unspeakably loving but at the same time there's an element of - suffering, giving yourself to the point of being consumed, abandonment, sharing in the Passion, - all very serious but in some passages while being tender His love has some sort of vehemence about it. There is imagery of fire that the Saints use that is not emotional but spiritual and incredibly more intense. For some reason a lot in this relates to me to bridal spirituality because of a unitive aspect. There is nothing emotional or "frilly" or romantic. Its deeper in the core of the person. Even in passages in the Saints where Christ embraces them or other sort of more "physical" expressions of love that are still spiritual and pure, - it seems to have a different quality than earthly love. More intense, spiritual, deep, serious.. And connected to suffering and sacrifice and reparation, consoling the Sacred Heart for sin. A bride must suffer with her Bridegroom and never refuse Him anything. That if I understand is "bridal spirituality" - not just the wedding dresses at professions,  etc. There were times I got it wrong though, very sadly. A lot needs purification over time. It can easily become emotional or selfish instead of all about consoling Him, and with that seriousnessseriousness/gravity that is there even if its very loving and He's the tender Spouse. This is what I'm getting from the Saints. Sorry for writing so much.. This is so personal that I don't talk about it in this way to people who know me and I'd only mention it to my SD. If this was a conversation in person and if you knew who I am I would not be able to say much. Its the anonymity of VS that made it possible to ask this question at because this is the most personal thing to me. I'm trying to stick to describing the Saints though and not my own relationship with Christ - because for one they are Saints and some things in our relationship with Him should always be secret - for each soul. But basically... In earthly love, "falling in love" means nice emotions, dates, flowers, excitement and a wedding party - and of course marriage is more serious than that. It would be a mistake to turn bridal imagery into the earthly form of falling in love. It just waters it down. Falling in love with Christ leads to union with Him - on the Cross. The Saints describe consolations, and Jesus shows His love in beautiful ways. But His love is also shown by giving Himself and dying, and so we give ourselves completely and die so only He lives, not us. What a novel I apologise.  

Edited June 28, 2015 by MarysLittleFlower

[MarysLittleFlower]

I still have a fear though of relating to Jesus in this way..  And I have a fear that this way of relating to Him, together with the way you might feel love for Him more intensely once you give Him your heart (like He becomes everything), - might affect expressions of love for Jesus that are in themselves pure and valid - by affecting their intensity. For example I once asked if its ok to embrace Jesus (like in Heaven) - and the person seemed puzzled why I'd be afraid. Don't people embrace their brothers, etc - all very pure. But if you think of this while feeling a strong love for Jesus, and you see Him as your Beloved, - there's a fear of whether its still different enough than human spousal love. Even though the intent is good and the feelings are not like what people feel in marriage (like not sexual.. Even using the word here is horrifying) - its still kind of intensely loving... And the way you talk to Jesus or look at Him also has a very expressive, "spousal" way to it though again pure, virginal. Its just different. Not like human marriage love.  And not like your love for your brother either. Its like a whole new thing. Regardless of how good the intent is (reparation for His suffering for example), I always have the fear of it sliding into earthly marriage type of thing.

I guess what I mean is with this type of approach to Jesus, which is itself not romantic or shallow, - how do you know for sure you're keeping it spiritual when you think of *expressing* your love for Jesus? Because we humans express love in human ways. You see it in the Saints and how they did tell Jesus very loving things with this spousal language, embraced or kissed Him, - all very pure and humble but I'm not a Saint..how do I know i wouldnt be prideful, selfish and impure? (Obviously i dont have any visions. I mean thoughts/intent). Very fearful to me yet its hard to ignore this question when you know you do see Jesus as your Beloved, though spiritually, chastely, and with the Catholic understanding of what this actually means. Its too complicated. I cant talk about this to anyone in person of course except a confessor. Its even hard to write anonymously. Please be truthful but gently  thing is in the world I think I know just how this would be seen. 

Edited June 28, 2015 by MarysLittleFlower

[vee]

I dont have time right now to fully even begin to explain this however I believe that Christ is the bridegroom of each of our souls.  In my case I relate, or it resonates, in a manner more like Bl Elizabeth of the Trinity expressed it because in this life we are more united with a suffering Christ "a Carmelite is one who has beheld the Crucified, who has seen him offering himself to the Father as a victim for souls and, meditating in the light of this great vision of Christ's charity, has understood the passion of love that filled his soul and has willed to give herself as he did." 

[Feankie]

I believe we had a thread on this awhile ago if you want to search for it.

[MarysLittleFlower]

I believe we had a thread on this awhile ago if you want to search for it.

I think I remember... My view of this has really grown though over time and i think I was trying to ask a similar question before, but I didn't really know what I was asking. 

[MarysLittleFlower]

I dont have time right now to fully even begin to explain this however I believe that Christ is the bridegroom of each of our souls.  In my case I relate, or it resonates, in a manner more like Bl Elizabeth of the Trinity expressed it because in this life we are more united with a suffering Christ "a Carmelite is one who has beheld the Crucified, who has seen him offering himself to the Father as a victim for souls and, meditating in the light of this great vision of Christ's charity, has understood the passion of love that filled his soul and has willed to give herself as he did." 

I love Blessed Elizabeth's spirituality too and it resonates with me as well  

[St Joes Kid]

If I can offer a view on this from the other side of the marriage boundary (feel free to remove or let me know if this isn't appropriate for VS:)

Before I was married I thought Bridal imagery in the writings of the saints was a little over the top, sentimental, sublimatedly sexual, etc.  On the other hand, I was attracted to it in a way.

Now I think it is lovely, as long as one has a realistic view of what the spousal union is. (So that he or she can apply a true image instead of a false one.)

Parts of the spousal union that I think are totally applicable to the spiritual life of a CV or religious:

1) When a bride marries a groom, she enters real poverty because all her savings, her finances, her time, even her diet and her sleep schedule are out of her control.  Like it or not, she no longer has total control over the tiniest aspect of her life.  Instead, if he has to get up at 5am, she gets up at 5am.  If he really wants to stay at a party until 1am and she has no vital reason to demand to go home, she stays until 1am, out of love. 

2) On the same subject, if he experiences suffering, she experiences it in a very real way.  Not just emotionally, either.  If the groom were to be arrested and executed for a crime he didn't commit, she would have to stay true to him through all that and continue to love and honor him.  (Much like the reationship to the Crucified Jesus as one's spouse...?)

3) A bride does not leave her groom when the going gets rough.

4) A bride does not live each day of her marriage because it is fun or romantic or fulfilling for her. She lives it because she made vows to God, and she will be faithful to those vows no matter what, because being faithful to those vows each day ensures to her that she is doing the work God put her on earth today to do.

5) A bride experiences 2 kinds of great joy: both the overarching joy of doing God's work no matter what, even suffering in order to do God's work, and then also the daily joy of seeing that when she does God's work, she gets repaid a hundredfold even in this life with all sorts of earthly happiness.  (I imagine a religious or CV experiences these same 2 joys.)

Maybe this is relevant? If not, sorry! God bless you and give you lots of peace today!

[Antigonos]

 

1) When a bride marries a groom, she enters real poverty because all her savings, her finances, her time, even her diet and her sleep schedule are out of her control.  Like it or not, she no longer has total control over the tiniest aspect of her life.  Instead, if he has to get up at 5am, she gets up at 5am.  If he really wants to stay at a party until 1am and she has no vital reason to demand to go home, she stays until 1am, out of love. 

My marriage hasn't been like that at all, as far as my relationship with my husband is concerned.

You lose total control over your life when you have kids, though.

[Yaatee]

My marriage hasn't been like that at all, as far as my relationship with my husband is concerned.

You lose total control over your life when you have kids, though.

Boy do you. the kids, I mean.  Although I do cave to hubby, he caves to me a lot, too.  (Married 42 Big Ones).  You don't give 50-50% in Marriage; each partner gives 90%. 

[vee]

i remember hearing a priest on ewtn once saying something like "when you get married you get three rings; the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering."  Id guess that applies to both actual and spiritual marriage.

[sr.christinaosf]

I like the quote on your ring: I am my beloved's [and He is mine].  

Your post reminded me of a story I heard years ago of a consecrated virgin who was traveling on an airplane.  Someone near her was having some personal problems, if I remember correctly.  She ended up describing her "beloved" to this stranger, not saying that it was Jesus right away.  She told of how faithful and great he was.  I don't remember the whole story.  Anyway, I thought that was kind of neat and the story came to mind.

Also, your mention of people having trouble with the bridal image of being a sister/cv reminds me of another discussion years ago.  Consecrated life is not about "I want to be a sister so I can get a lot of good work done for the Church."  If we stick with this idea, we miss out on the depth and the beauty of the call.  Have you ever read the book "...And You are Christ's" by Fr. Dubay?  I read it twice during the course of my formation.  I checked it out again from our convent library in Hankinson and will read it again sometime soon.  Maybe I should do a book review on it for Our Franciscan Fiat.  

Also, back to your thing about people misunderstanding you and the bridal image...aren't you going to face that by the mere fact of considering religious life/being a cv with or without any discussion of images.  I don't think our world really understands much about the life in the first place.  

I hope my rambling might be of a tiny bit of use; I don't know.  Take care and God bless you and THANK YOU for considering an invitation from Our Lord; so many people are oblivious to the possibility.

[MarysLittleFlower]

Thank you for the replies! I've been thinking more about what bridal spirituality is to me... I think it is giving yourself without any limits to God and the result is that He consumes everything in you and lives in you, and you are faithful by consoling Him, denying Him nothing, suffering with Him and above all doing His Will. That is my understanding of what Jesus told the mystics is His expectation of His brides. It is not primarily the imagery. And the Cross is there.. I'm still kind of confused how to approach expressions of love and imagery and my fear with that, but I'm understanding that it becomes progressively spiritual over time but also grows in intensity. Chastity doesn't mean something cold and spiritual doesn't mean we reject His humanity or ours, and its not something abstract either. The Sacred Heart devotion shows that... But of course we need to always be unselfish and focus on love not the feelings, seek His consolation not ours, and purity. Do you all think the expressions I spoke about in one of my posts are proper as long as intent is good? Are they too.bold? Sometimes I'm afraid of just being too bold... I need to pray about this.

[MarysLittleFlower]

I love Fr Thomas Dubay's book and it really helped me understand its not about what you do but how you relate to Christ.

[julianneoflongbeach]

Well, go bold or go home. The only relationship I've ever had with Jesus has been spousal. In my teens and early twenties I developed relationships with God the father, God the ghost , and Mary. Jesus I really struggled with. Partly because whenever anyone spoke about having a "personal relationship" with Jesus it was so cloyingly sweet it made me sick. But when I got bothered by the fact that a personal relationship was something I needed and lacked, the way Jesus presented himself to me was as my bridegroom. He asked me to marry him and I said yes. It was something out of an effing fairytale. Taylor Swift was playing in the background. I cried like a little b*$%h. So when people talk about being uncomfortable with bridal imagery being too romantic for them, I just smile. And roll my eyes. Just a little. There is no such thing as considering a spousal life with Christ too romantic. There's nothing that exists in the whole of creation that is as romantic as that.

Side note: My biggest pet peeve is when someone asks me, "But what if you meet someone?". I usually ask them, "What would you do if you were already married and then 'met someone'?" They usually still don't understand in the least, but at least they shut up for a while.

 

And now, for my next paragraph, I will GO THERE. There have been quite a few moments when I've felt incredibly connected to God and been quite turned on as well. I think divorcing our sexuality from God is as useful as divorcing sex from marriage has been. In other words, bad. That's where talk about repression comes from. Before anyone becomes too horrified, I have to explain that I'm weird and for me being aroused in no way makes me want to actually have sex. It's just one of many physical feelings my body is capable of. And what I'm taking about, these moments of intense connection, they almost have to include being turned on because being that close to God turns on and up every cell, every single particle, in my body, mind, and soul. And, its unfortunate this probably has to be explained, it doesn't mean I feel like I want to have sex with Jesus. My experiences leave me with the profound understanding of how small and limiting the physical act of sex is. Without ever having had sex I know it doesn't hold a single flickering candle to the ecstasy of being with God.... Which is probably why it isn't a temptation for me. (Like I said, I freely admit, I'm weird.)

So, yeah... That's what I've got for now. Continue...

[beatitude]

I still have a fear though of relating to Jesus in this way..  And I have a fear that this way of relating to Him, together with the way you might feel love for Him more intensely once you give Him your heart (like He becomes everything), - might affect expressions of love for Jesus that are in themselves pure and valid - by affecting their intensity. For example I once asked if its ok to embrace Jesus (like in Heaven) - and the person seemed puzzled why I'd be afraid. Don't people embrace their brothers, etc - all very pure. But if you think of this while feeling a strong love for Jesus, and you see Him as your Beloved, - there's a fear of whether its still different enough than human spousal love. Even though the intent is good and the feelings are not like what people feel in marriage (like not sexual.. Even using the word here is horrifying) - its still kind of intensely loving... And the way you talk to Jesus or look at Him also has a very expressive, "spousal" way to it though again pure, virginal. Its just different. Not like human marriage love.  And not like your love for your brother either. Its like a whole new thing. Regardless of how good the intent is (reparation for His suffering for example), I always have the fear of it sliding into earthly marriage type of thing.

I guess what I mean is with this type of approach to Jesus, which is itself not romantic or shallow, - how do you know for sure you're keeping it spiritual when you think of *expressing* your love for Jesus? Because we humans express love in human ways. You see it in the Saints and how they did tell Jesus very loving things with this spousal language, embraced or kissed Him, - all very pure and humble but I'm not a Saint..how do I know i wouldnt be prideful, selfish and impure? (Obviously i dont have any visions. I mean thoughts/intent). Very fearful to me yet its hard to ignore this question when you know you do see Jesus as your Beloved, though spiritually, chastely, and with the Catholic understanding of what this actually means. Its too complicated. I cant talk about this to anyone in person of course except a confessor. Its even hard to write anonymously. Please be truthful but gently  thing is in the world I think I know just how this would be seen. 

First of all, do you think the saints knew they were saints?  Becoming holy for them was a lifelong process and they had thoughts and hopes and worries and dreams and struggles and imperfections. They just wrote candidly about all these things. You too are allowed to be candid in expressing your love for God.

As for the other bold parts...as you request, I am going to be truthful but gentle. MLF, based on this and other things that you have written in the past, it seems to me that you are frightened of marriage and sexuality. You've posted in the past that you didn't always live a chaste life, and it seems to me as though you're going to a fearful extreme in trying to distance yourself from your past actions. You have written elsewhere that sometimes you're scared that religious life isn't God's will for you, and it's only your will. But why would it be frightening if God were really calling you to marriage with another human being? Many people intensely want religious life, but they're not scared of the possibility of being called to something else. When the fear reaches this level something isn't quite right. I think you need to address it through prayer and through the advice of a wise spiritual director whom you trust. Above all, be kind to yourself - try to resist getting tangled up in all these worries. I know it's hard (no one has a button in their head that they can just magically press to stop worrying!) but when the fears come to you, try to respond with, "Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, I place all my trust in you" or by repeating a relevant Bible verse ("It is I; do not be afraid" is one I use a lot).