When guys come along..

[MarysLittleFlower]

Has anyone dealt with this... Today is a strange day. I'm sort of like.. "why".

Some context: I was reading the story of a nun (Mother Louise Margaret) and how at age 18 she fell in love with a young officer and forgot her vow of chastity, but then it didn't work out with the officer and God gave her the grace to come back the vow. It was like her biggest regret in life. She went on to become a very holy religious and a very favoured soul. I really like her and she's so relatable in her early struggles. Anyways I was telling a friend just very recently.. that I'm so glad I don't have this problem with guys! I seem to not attract any guys so it's a problem I don't have to face. Though sometimes I need to focus on Jesus to not get distracted.

Yet today, a young man came up to me to ask me out... and this young man has actually asked me out before, last year, and I said no. He was wondering if anything had changed. This is someone who just keeps seeing me around downtown and other areas. He then told me how he feels about me. The issue is this is sort of the type of young man I would have said yes to otherwise - very respectable looking, seems like has a stable position in life, not weird, seems like a nice guy and he's even nice looking. Plus he was a bit nervous/emotional, not like the guy who thinks he can get any girl - which is really off-putting (for any guys reading this). Also I'm not used to guys liking me so it took me by surprise and a part of me wavered just a bit. I'm at a bit of a loss as to why he seems to like me enough to remember me a year later and feel the same way.. I kind of go out of my way to look and dress simple. No makeup, no jewellery, only long skirts and usually a lot of black/dark colours. I don't really try to attract guys. I guess there are no guarantees then.

Anyways, I told him I'm not available - not just to him, but anyone, and it's nothing personal about him. When he approached I was actually in the middle of inquiring about a Benedictine community on my phone.. lol. So I tried to go back to that. But I was really distracted by this point. I noticed three things.. one is that for a few seconds I understood what it feels like to be the type of girl who is liked and feels beautiful. It's something most girls want. However, it felt vain/shallow compared to how it feels to be loved by Jesus... because it was focused on myself. Then, I realized that after spending all my time thinking about Jesus in a more spousal sort of way - Jesus who is perfect, Divine, and whose love is so spiritual / pure and brings such a higher joy - it would be some type of unhappiness to then have to relate to an earthly man in a spousal way. Even if it's the best man on earth. Maybe some people can combine it.. but I don't think I can, so I'm wondering even more about my vocation now. But also, - and here's what actually really shook me - I got afraid if this is somehow God's Will and I keep rejecting it - second time now! I got all these thoughts if God actually wants me to marry and is allowing this man to keep meeting me in random places, and I'm too stubborn.

So this is what happens I guess when you're discerning and a guy comes along. Now I know. I hope he'll find someone he really loves. But I kept looking at my ring (I don't think he noticed it) and it actually helped! I'm glad I got it now. I feel a bit shaky now though.

Has something like this happened to you while you're discerning, not just in a neutral stage, but really seriously discerning and especially if you committed to not marrying?

Edited July 2, 2015 by MarysLittleFlower

[MarysLittleFlower]

by the way I'm not trying to criticize marriage here. I think for someone who is really called to marriage and meets the right person who would lead them to holiness, their relationship would be about God and He would be the centre. But in this event, I became the centre for myself because of how it felt to be noticed like that... maybe because there wasn't a Catholic context in this. I didn't like how I felt after but I don't know if that's just my problem. I began wondering if this is like a "sign", or feeling the opposite - that an earthly husband is not what I'm looking for. Does anyone feel similarly?

[veritasluxmea]

Sorry, this isn't what you want to hear, but tbh I think you should go out with him. Did you make it clear to him you were discerning religious life? Put discernment on pause for a week. Meet over coffee and adoration and just take it slow, have fun becoming friends with someone. Frankly it sounds like you kind of need to have a great experience of dating someone in a pure, fun, happy way. Maybe for the next year just focus on school (or whatever you're doing) and growing in relationships, including one with a man. It's ok to discern marriage if you're interested in him. If you have a vocation to religious life it will not get lost, if anything dating properly will enhance it. Even if in the end it's not His will for them to be married, God does take delight in people dating chastely and happily, it's a way He sanctifies us and makes us better people. Feeling shaken up because someone asked you out is not a normal reaction. I'm going to quote Beatitude from another thread because I'm just echoing what she said: 

As for the other bold parts...as you request, I am going to be truthful but gentle. MLF, based on this and other things that you have written in the past, it seems to me that you are frightened of marriage and sexuality. You've posted in the past that you didn't always live a chaste life, and it seems to me as though you're going to a fearful extreme in trying to distance yourself from your past actions. You have written elsewhere that sometimes you're scared that religious life isn't God's will for you, and it's only your will. But why would it be frightening if God were really calling you to marriage with another human being? Many people intensely want religious life, but they're not scared of the possibility of being called to something else. When the fear reaches this level something isn't quite right. I think you need to address it through prayer and through the advice of a wise spiritual director whom you trust. Above all, be kind to yourself - try to resist getting tangled up in all these worries. I know it's hard (no one has a button in their head that they can just magically press to stop worrying!) but when the fears come to you, try to respond with, "Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, I place all my trust in you" or by repeating a relevant Bible verse ("It is I; do not be afraid" is one I use a lot).

 

Then, I realized that after spending all my time thinking about Jesus in a more spousal sort of way - Jesus who is perfect, Divine, and whose love is so spiritual / pure and brings such a higher joy - it would be some type of unhappiness to then have to relate to an earthly man in a spousal way. Even if it's the best man on earth. Maybe some people can combine it.. but I don't think I can, so I'm wondering even more about my vocation now.

I know you feel right now that you can't relate to God's love in a married vocation, but discern marriage first by dating. If anything it will give you some context for human relationships and maturity which is needed in religious life. 

In the end it's just my advice. Maybe dating isn't the right answer for you. But I do want to gently recommend addressing your fears over marriage, that's all. 

Edited July 2, 2015 by veritasluxmea

[MarysLittleFlower]

I'm sorry but I don't think I can unless my heart were to change somehow. The only reason I felt shaken up was not because of the human feelings but because I have many fears and I got afraid that this was some sort of a "sign".. But I had no peace or anything - everything was just very human. When I thought of discernment again I felt peace again. The reason I don't think I should date him is because I've actually made a promise, and completely meant it with my will. Many SDs recommend not dating during discernment because human feelings can be overwhelming... What if I date him and fall in love and that would actually be a risk of losing my vocation. If Jesus wants me as a consecrated person my heart must be guarded for him.. Just how I feel. I'll pray to ask God to guide me in this and show me if I'm wrong. But my being shaken up was just due to a reoccuring fear "what if I'm making up all of this".. Yet the reason I keep going is this year there have been many developments in discernment and interior things happening. My SD is encouraging me to discern religious life as well. So I don't know... I'll pray but honestly just too much happened this year in the opposite direction. I replied to Beatitude's post in the other thread that I don't have fears of marriage and sexuality. I just feel like my heart is already given. That's all. Not everyone who becomes religious dates... I think if a call is really obvious its wrong to date. I don't know what God's Will is but I have been feeling something more than just attraction to the way nuns live. Of course I could be wrong about everything. That's why I have an SD so he can guide me because I am taking a risk and what if I'm wrong. Just how I feel Im sorry if its like I'm just discounting your post... Its just that such a decision would feel like a no to Jesus right now. I'll ask God to help me to change my mind if I'm wrong'. I want to do God's Will

[MarysLittleFlower]

Also I can't date him anyway even if I wanted to because I wouldn't know where to find him he seems to find me in random places.

[dUSt]

Also I can't date him anyway even if I wanted to because I wouldn't know where to find him he seems to find me in random places.

Sounds like a guardian angel at work. 

[HopefulHeart]

One thing I would recommend, MLF, is to be honest with yourself as you reflect on this incident and related matters. If you experience desires, hopes, or fears that trouble you, give a frank, gentle, and prayerful look at these feelings. I know this sounds simple and general, but I have found from experience that self-honesty is very important in matters of this sort, when confusing emotions and feelings can arise. So often I've misled myself or avoided certain feelings because they seemed troublesome. Be honest with yourself and with God, act in accordance with your reflections, and don't be afraid.  

 

[Credo in Deum]

Talk to your spiritual director.  That's how you put the answer in God's hands and not your own will. 

[MarysLittleFlower]

I tried doing that... Trying. I had guys ask me out before but they weren't really my type so it didn't really affect me. With this guy it was just human emotion and emotion at just being liked. It was very natural and human.. I didn't feel anything else and it wasn't at all like what happens when I discern consecrated life. 

[MarysLittleFlower]

Sounds like a guardian angel at work. 

i don't know but do we assume things are God's guidance in a vocation just because they happen? Some Saints had people who really wanted to even marry them... I don't know.. Everything that has happened to me interiorly this year has been pointing to consecrated life. I even made a promise and had very strong joy and peace after. I just don't think I could date a guy after that just because he keeps having feelings for me... I'm going to pray but this would almost mean all my discernment was make belief. But my discernment has been very related to my relationship with God.

[MarysLittleFlower]

Talk to your spiritual director.  That's how you put the answer in God's hands and not your own will. 

i wish I could but I can't until August. He is encouraging me to seriously discern religious life though. 

[Credo in Deum]

i wish I could but I can't until August. He is encouraging me to seriously discern religious life though. 

Good, then stay the course.

[MarysLittleFlower]

Its just that after 6 years of feeling more and more that its not marriage, and after so much happening in my spiritual life this year (which I don't talk about here, but I do with my SD :)) - I can't just abandon it because someone came along. What God does in prayer counts too doesn't it?

[dUSt]

i don't know but do we assume things are God's guidance in a vocation just because they happen? Some Saints had people who really wanted to even marry them... I don't know.. Everything that has happened to me interiorly this year has been pointing to consecrated life. I even made a promise and had very strong joy and peace after. I just don't think I could date a guy after that just because he keeps having feelings for me... I'm going to pray but this would almost mean all my discernment was make belief. But my discernment has been very related to my relationship with God.

I was suggesting that the guy might be a guardian angel testing your resolve, and every time he asks you, your resolve gets even stronger to the consecrated life.

[Strictlyinkblot]

When I first said a definite yes to God to discern religious life and then when I found the community that I feel called to try my vocation in I went from rarely if ever being asked out on dates to being approached frequently by guys. Initially I couldn't understand it but now I think its simply because I was so much happier and comfortable in myself that I'd made my decision if that makes sense (btw, I'm still happy if a little stressed).

Joy is very attractive. Now, only you know your situation and whether you should consider going on a date with this guy. It would certainly be worth talking about this to your spiritual director. Could you get to know this guy outside of a dating scenario, go for coffee or a walk or Adoration?