Seminarian crushes

[Young Searcher]

Some of my seminarian friends are too "touchy". Like it's very usual for them to  hold hands or hug, which I experienced a lot. Its too awkward for me but I just bring out the thought of not bringing any malice of their moves, their just being friendly and maybe got too attached by me. But I love hanging out with them  they're fun to be with! And they also serve as one of my bridges in increasing my spiritual faith  

[franciscanheart]

Some of my seminarian friends are too "touchy". Like it's very usual for them to  hold hands or hug, which I experienced a lot. Its too awkward for me but I just bring out the thought of not bringing any malice of their moves, their just being friendly and maybe got too attached by me. But I love hanging out with them  they're fun to be with! And they also serve as one of my bridges in increasing my spiritual faith  

Hold hands with each other or hold hands with women? I don't see where that's appropriate of any seminarian, priest, or religious (in formation or otherwiise). No wonder you're all confused!

[Young Searcher]

Hold hands with each other or hold hands with women? I don't see where that's appropriate of any seminarian, priest, or religious (in formation or otherwiise). No wonder you're all confused!

with their girl friends.

[puellapaschalis]

with their girl friends.

Yeh, they shouldn't be doing that. When one of my best mates started seminary the hug quotient plummeted. Painful at first (I'm quite tactile with close friends), but absolutely necessary.

[franciscanheart]

with their girl friends.

Yeeeahhhh no. I wouldn't be down for that.

[Young Searcher]

Yeh, they shouldn't be doing that. When one of my best mates started seminary the hug quotient plummeted. Painful at first (I'm quite tactile with close friends), but absolutely necessary.

even if its just a friendly hug or touch of hands?

Yeeeahhhh no. I wouldn't be down for that.

like when were under one umbrella, he grasped my hand(the one holding the umbrella), it just felt weird and I began to think if he really intented to do that or what.

[marigold]

even if its just a friendly hug or touch of hands?

like when were under one umbrella, he grasped my hand(the one holding the umbrella), it just felt weird and I began to think if he really intented to do that or what.

Ugh what.

#1. Nobody gets to touch you without your consent. Better to back away and have an awkward moment than head down the slippery slope of feeling like you can't tell a guy no.

#2. He's a seminarian. That means #1 x10000. There's a concept called 'the fence around the law'. It means not only do you not do what is explicitly not allowed, you also don't do anything that could possibly in any way be construed as doing what is explicitly not allowed. I think that applies in these situations of friendly huggings and touchings of hands with seminarians.

 

[franciscanheart]

even if its just a friendly hug or touch of hands?

like when were under one umbrella, he grasped my hand(the one holding the umbrella), it just felt weird and I began to think if he really intented to do that or what.

If it felt weird, it probably was. Trust your gut.

My SD and I often joke about sharing an umbrella in Central Park on a rainy day, listening to Pink and taking in the city. But he's a committed priest, I'm a discerning lay person, and we never touch. EVER.

There's no need for affectionate hand touching. Hugs should be light and quick -- and in my world, they are side hugs.

That sounds wholly inappropriate to me. It's too easy for signals to get mixed in situations like those. Best to guard yourself and his potential vocation by not involving yourself in that kind of activity / those displays of affection.

[Young Searcher]

Ugh what.

#1. Nobody gets to touch you without your consent. Better to back away and have an awkward moment than head down the slippery slope of feeling like you can't tell a guy no.

#2. He's a seminarian. That means #1 x10000. There's a concept called 'the fence around the law'. It means not only do you not do what is explicitly not allowed, you also don't do anything that could possibly in any way be construed as doing what is explicitly not allowed. I think that applies in these situations of friendly huggings and touchings of hands with seminarians.

 

thank you very much  falling in love or having commitments to sseminarians doesn't even come to my mind  I am also discerning to my vocation

 

 Yes thank you! I understand all that you've said. Just simple tapping of backs and shoulders and light hugs would do

[Credo in Deum]

I would just tap you on the shoulder and say, "There there. There there."

Then if any girl tried to hug me I would say, "Thou shalt not touch!"

Ah, those would be fun times!

[puellapaschalis]

even if its just a friendly hug or touch of hands?

We live quite far apart now and only see each other once or twice a year. We hug on saying hello and goodbye, and it's not prolonged (we could both go down the route of setting some kind of time limit - cf the Duggars' 30 second side hugs - but whilst we're both finnickity, we're neither of us that finnickity). I mean there isn't some kind of scrupulous meltdown if one has to grab the other's hand or arm or something (traffic and tourists are homicidal sometimes), but there's no reason for us to walk around hand in hand.

[MarysLittleFlower]

I think it would be fine for an interested woman to try to pull a seminarian into the vocation of Marriage instead. You are not a priest until you are a priest. And just because one has started the process does not necessarily mean that becoming a priest is God's will.

Is there anything that the Church has said about that though?

i don't think its right to do that. If he's not meant to be a priest let him discern that himself withoit playing around with his feelings. A guy could lose his vocation that way. Sounds harsh perhaps but people discerning celibacy should not date in my opinion. 

I would definitely not be comfortable hugging etc a seminarian... I don't even like to hug my guy friends anymore and try to avoid that. Many of them feel the same though. I hug my girl friends and that's it its easy to get confused feelings with a guy like that... ESPECIALLY with a seminarian that's something to avoid:)

[franciscanheart]

We live quite far apart now and only see each other once or twice a year. We hug on saying hello and goodbye, and it's not prolonged (we could both go down the route of setting some kind of time limit - cf the Duggars' 30 second side hugs - but whilst we're both finnickity, we're neither of us that finnickity). I mean there isn't some kind of scrupulous meltdown if one has to grab the other's hand or arm or something (traffic and tourists are homicidal sometimes), but there's no reason for us to walk around hand in hand.

And really, thirty seconds is a LONG time for a hug. My hugs (when I actually give them) are a couple seconds long. Maybe 10 seconds for someone I missed particularly intensely or something.

[Basilisa Marie]

Some of my seminarian friends are too "touchy". Like it's very usual for them to  hold hands or hug, which I experienced a lot. Its too awkward for me but I just bring out the thought of not bringing any malice of their moves, their just being friendly and maybe got too attached by me. But I love hanging out with them  they're fun to be with! And they also serve as one of my bridges in increasing my spiritual faith  

Yeah that's not cool. The only time I can remember touching my seminarian (now priest) friends outside the sign of peace was maybe a quick goodbye hug at the end the year, and that was after they'd been in formation for years, moreso after they had been made deacons.  I remember how some of us undergrads would play a game where we'd say hi and wave and enthusiastically smile at the younger seminarians in passing, who would either look at us like scared rabbits or awkwardly wave and say hi back. Boundaries were very clear, though, 

You're probably right that there's nothing wrong about their motives, but you're also right to want to establish firmer physical boundaries. Don't be afraid to step back and make sure those boundaries are in place while still hanging out with them. I absolutely adore my priest friends, they had an important impact on my spiritual life when I was in college. But the whole fence around the law thing that marigold was talking about is totally on point. 

[Gabriela]

Wait a second, everybody. The OP is in the Philippines. I don't know about the Philippines, but I do know that a lot of other cultures are way more chill on the touch-feely thing than we are. I've been to Spain and Italy, and lived in the Middle East, and people are way more hands-y than in the US—and it's totally okay and not meant sexually.

So if that's the case in the Philippines, I'd say no worries. (Although, if you're from that culture and you feel weird about a particular touch, then you're probably totally right that it's "off".)

[Ice_nine]

Wait a second, everybody. The OP is in the Philippines. I don't know about the Philippines, but I do know that a lot of other cultures are way more chill on the touch-feely thing than we are. I've been to Spain and Italy, and lived in the Middle East, and people are way more hands-y than in the US—and it's totally okay and not meant sexually.

So if that's the case in the Philippines, I'd say no worries. (Although, if you're from that culture and you feel weird about a particular touch, then you're probably totally right that it's "off".)

I was gonna say something similar. Beat me to it!

[SilverSeminarian]

It is very difficult for us seminarians.... But totally worth it. I know exactly what I'm giving up and I'm okay with it (for the most part) because I know that God will bless me with so much. I look at it this way. I give up something great to gain something even better. It's hard, but it's worth it. Anything easy is not worth trying for.

[NadaTeTurbe]

Wait a second, everybody. The OP is in the Philippines. I don't know about the Philippines, but I do know that a lot of other cultures are way more chill on the touch-feely thing than we are. I've been to Spain and Italy, and lived in the Middle East, and people are way more hands-y than in the US—and it's totally okay and not meant sexually.

So if that's the case in the Philippines, I'd say no worries. (Although, if you're from that culture and you feel weird about a particular touch, then you're probably totally right that it's "off".)

Agree. TOuching depends on culture. If an american seminarist would hugged me to greet me, I would push and ask him what is wrong with him, because here, it's something for very close friends or parents. and if a french seminarist would "faire la bise" (kissing on the cheeks), to greet an american, I guess the american would not like it and think something is weird. In middle-eastern countries, man often holds hands when they're friends, and some tourist (from Europe, North America), often think they're gay. 
But ultimately, OP, you have to follow your instinct, and listen to your body. Even if a touching is acceptable in your country, if you don't want to be touched, tell it. 
 

[puellapaschalis]

I know something of Filipino culture, and outside of the close family circle the physical affection being described would be frowned upon. With a seminarian you're not related to it would be almost anathema. 

[Basilisa Marie]

Wait a second, everybody. The OP is in the Philippines. I don't know about the Philippines, but I do know that a lot of other cultures are way more chill on the touch-feely thing than we are. I've been to Spain and Italy, and lived in the Middle East, and people are way more hands-y than in the US—and it's totally okay and not meant sexually.

So if that's the case in the Philippines, I'd say no worries. (Although, if you're from that culture and you feel weird about a particular touch, then you're probably totally right that it's "off".)

Well shoot!

Nevermind then, yes, they're definitely more of a touchy culture than us weirdo Americans.