any encouragement or prayers

[MarysLittleFlower]

..I took a break but I'm just going through kind of intense interior suffering. I can't talk to my SD till late August maybe and I have no one to speak to where I am about this.. I don't want to complain or whine, I'm bearing this but if anyone could please say a prayer for me or just something encouraging I would be really grateful.

I'm trying to spend more time in prayer now and sometimes God gives breaks but then its back. To summarise a lot of it is with my past and vocations. My vocational discernment had trials to begin with. But now its more because I constantly feel some sort of emotional agony over my past. I know its forgiven and I'm not doubting that at all. I'm just in pain because i realized how serious it was and I didn't really know before. Specifically sins against purity that mean I can't be a CV.. That was very painful to understand and I cried many tears over it. But I still can't seem to get over it. I'm not discerning to be a CV but a nun or consecrated person in the world.

But thinking of my past makes me feel so unworthy and ruined somehow. It got better a while ago and now its back maybe because I haven't been able to receive Communion for a while where I am. I used to go to daily Mass and now I can't either. I'm in another city and away from the way I've scheduled my life .. And that just makes it harder.

I am not bitter about this suffering or wanting to complain because I deserve it anyway. If my past means I can't be as close to God as I want then I will still love God. But I'm in much pain because I feel so unworthy for what my heart wants and the level of intimacy with God that is the most important goal in my life. Yet His Will be done, His Will is the most important and I want this even if all else falls apart.

I'm sorry for all my ramblings. I don't want to complain and I accept any trial. But if you have a moment please ask Jesus to give me confidence in His love and light for my mind thats confused now. I have an impression in my mind as if God doesnt want me as close or that its impossible for me to be truly near Him.. Not from lack of His love but my own defects. Its hard because thats all that i want. I hope He can give me strength at least to bear this better.. And more trust. Thank you 

Edited July 13, 2015 by MarysLittleFlower

[marigold]

MLF you have my utmost sympathy and so many hugs!

[HopefulHeart]

MLF, I will pray for you.

I have a personal experience that you may find helpful/encouraging. Earlier this month I was feeling a sense of guilt over something in my past that I have brought to confession. This guilt made me feel so wretched and far away from Jesus. I felt that it was driving up a wall between me and the Lord. I felt afraid to pray because then He would see my sinfulness.

I felt very much alone in this struggle, until I realized that Jesus knows every thought, every feeling that I have experienced. I felt him inviting me to trust in Him and give my guilt to Him.

I began to pray, and I imagined putting all of my guilt and worries into a box and giving the box to Jesus. As I prayed, I saw Him look inside the box briefly, and then He put the box behind him and held out his arms to me. I realized that I am more important than what I have done.

So don't let feelings of unworthiness keep you away from the Lord. Trust in his healing love.

 

[Sponsa-Christi]

MLF,

Unless you are absolutely sure that you have committed a mortal sin since your last confession, you shouldn't let feelings of guilt hold you back from receiving Communion regularly. Holy Communion is nourishment and strength for us in our weakness, not a reward for being already perfect. (Otherwise, nobody would be able to receive Communion ever!) 

ETA: Apologies if I misread your OP---at first I read it as you were opting not to go to Communion, but upon re-reading it's not clear whether this is a problem of circumstances making it difficult to get to Mass at all in the first place.

Edited July 13, 2015 by Sponsa-Christi

[puellapaschalis]

Go for a walk if you can be alone, or lie on your bed if not, and cry and thump something (not hard enough to actually harm you - I'm thinking a cushion). I mean really cry, and if they come, let out the sobbed words that tell Christ how mad you are at yourself for your past, and (in a way) at Him for even letting you go through this.

There are often people - SDs, confessors, whoever - who can help us come to terms with our sinfulness, and we must necessarily be both in and thinking with the Church, but these must bring us to the point that ultimately our relationship is with Him and He alone is the one who is the source of the unique grace that can heal us. This is not about relationships from your past, but the relationship you are building now; not with any human husband/boyfriend/partner/fling/fwb/etc, but with a Man whose love for us does not make sense.

He acts differently to any human man we otherwise might have a relationship with, but we are still human women with our idiosyncracies. That He is the perfect communicator does not mean that we have to be (because we're not). So cry and voice your fears - to Him. Pray as you can and not as you can't. Love Him as you can - and that 'can' is encoded in your heart, not to be found in a book - and not as you can't.

It will not be better in ten minutes. It probably won't be better tomorrow. It likely won't be better in a week's time. But it will get better, if you persevere.

[Charbel]

J.M.+J.T.

Prayers for you! Always remember, MLF, that Jesus DOES want you close and near to Him - at ALL times! He desires to be close to you SO much that He died on a cross for YOU! Anything that is saying otherwise is not from God. He loves you and we love you too Stay close to Him and Our Lady!

[marigold]

Go for a walk if you can be alone, or lie on your bed if not, and cry and thump something (not hard enough to actually harm you - I'm thinking a cushion). I mean really cry, and if they come, let out the sobbed words that tell Christ how mad you are at yourself for your past, and (in a way) at Him for even letting you go through this.

There are often people - SDs, confessors, whoever - who can help us come to terms with our sinfulness, and we must necessarily be both in and thinking with the Church, but these must bring us to the point that ultimately our relationship is with Him and He alone is the one who is the source of the unique grace that can heal us. This is not about relationships from your past, but the relationship you are building now; not with any human husband/boyfriend/partner/fling/fwb/etc, but with a Man whose love for us does not make sense.

He acts differently to any human man we otherwise might have a relationship with, but we are still human women with our idiosyncracies. That He is the perfect communicator does not mean that we have to be (because we're not). So cry and voice your fears - to Him. Pray as you can and not as you can't. Love Him as you can - and that 'can' is encoded in your heart, not to be found in a book - and not as you can't.

It will not be better in ten minutes. It probably won't be better tomorrow. It likely won't be better in a week's time. But it will get better, if you persevere.

[MarysLittleFlower]

Thank you so much everyone!! I'm glad I posted this then. I feel I really need to just take a step back and think about God's love for me and then address the topics I have questions about... Not now. Cause now all I see are my sins. Especially sins from long ago like years ago but ones that were really bad. I always see before me the fact that they can't be undone though I know the guilt was taken away. Its more like intense regret and grief over them. I think I'll spend tonight just reflecting on God's love and hopefully that would add some clarity! God bless you

Edited July 13, 2015 by MarysLittleFlower

[BarbTherese]

Hugs and prayer

 

[MarysLittleFlower]

MLF, I will pray for you.

I have a personal experience that you may find helpful/encouraging. Earlier this month I was feeling a sense of guilt over something in my past that I have brought to confession. This guilt made me feel so wretched and far away from Jesus. I felt that it was driving up a wall between me and the Lord. I felt afraid to pray because then He would see my sinfulness.

I felt very much alone in this struggle, until I realized that Jesus knows every thought, every feeling that I have experienced. I felt him inviting me to trust in Him and give my guilt to Him.

I began to pray, and I imagined putting all of my guilt and worries into a box and giving the box to Jesus. As I prayed, I saw Him look inside the box briefly, and then He put the box behind him and held out his arms to me. I realized that I am more important than what I have done.

So don't let feelings of unworthiness keep you away from the Lord. Trust in his healing love.

 

That's beautiful!  

[veritasluxmea]

MLF, have you ever read Consoling the Heart of Jesus by Fr Michael Gaitley? It's a beautiful spiritual read that pulls from Mary, St Therese of Lisieux, St Margret Mary Alacoque, and the like. It's easily found in most parish libraries and bookstores. I think you'd find it a consoling read during this time, during anytime really. It healed me a lot. 

[MarysLittleFlower]

MLF, have you ever read Consoling the Heart of Jesus by Fr Michael Gaitley? It's a beautiful spiritual read that pulls from Mary, St Therese of Lisieux, St Margret Mary Alacoque, and the like. It's easily found in most parish libraries and bookstores. I think you'd find it a consoling read during this time, during anytime really. It healed me a lot. 

oh I actually have it! I should read it... I have so many books I haven't read. St Therese would be great... I also like the book I Believe In Love. Her little way is so helpful to me as I often feel like a little soul and need God to help me with everything!

MLF,

Unless you are absolutely sure that you have committed a mortal sin since your last confession, you shouldn't let feelings of guilt hold you back from receiving Communion regularly. Holy Communion is nourishment and strength for us in our weakness, not a reward for being already perfect. (Otherwise, nobody would be able to receive Communion ever!) 

ETA: Apologies if I misread your OP---at first I read it as you were opting not to go to Communion, but upon re-reading it's not clear whether this is a problem of circumstances making it difficult to get to Mass at all in the first place.

Oh yes I do agree! i realize i dont need to be perfect to receive Communion - otherwise i would literally never receive. I haven't been able to go to Mass except on Sunday and I used to go every day almost so I can tell a difference. So theres that. But I also need Confession cause i havent been able to go in a few weeks. I also have scruples (that I'm getting counselling for with my SD). So its sort of several reasons at once.. In general I miss Communion and I hope to receive this week but I miss frequent Mass quite a bit.

 

Edited July 14, 2015 by MarysLittleFlower

[veritasluxmea]

 

oh I actually have it! I should read it... I have so many books I haven't read. St Therese would be great... I also like the book I Believe In Love. Her little way is so helpful to me as I often feel like a little soul and need God to help me with everything!

I would literally set aside everything else you're reading at the moment get started on it tonight, if I can be so bold as to say that. He has an outline of how to read it and turn it in a retreat of sorts in the Introduction that I would recommend following. (half of the book is just appendixes so it's a short read, about three days). St Therese is so simple the dept of her wisdom can fly right past people. She isn't a doctor of the Church for nothing, and she is very, very deep and profound. The book is a good start to healing humankind's image of God and beginning to discover the teachings of St Therese. I say discover because three years later I'm still learning 

[MarysLittleFlower]

I would literally set aside everything else you're reading at the moment get started on it tonight, if I can be so bold as to say that. He has an outline of how to read it and turn it in a retreat of sorts in the Introduction that I would recommend following. (half of the book is just appendixes so it's a short read, about three days). St Therese is so simple the dept of her wisdom can fly right past people. She isn't a doctor of the Church for nothing, and she is very, very deep and profound. The book is a good start to healing humankind's image of God and beginning to discover the teachings of St Therese. I say discover because three years later I'm still learning 

 

I'm still learning too clearly! I'll read it  

[Credo in Deum]

There are so many sins which I feel ashamed of in my past.  I pretty much sinned away my youth until my late 20's.  I'm now in my early 30's and these days I'm living the consequences of all of my past sins. Consequences which are spiritual, mental, and physical.  Looking back on my life, I can see where if I had taken Christ's invitation to carry His Cross I would be in a better place.  He wasn't kidding about His burden being light, because whenever we do our own will, the cross we fashion is always going to be ten times heavier! Loaded down with regret, shame, missed opportunities, darkening of the intellect and will, and so much more.  

Yet when I'm tempted to despair over my past sins, especially certain sins, I think of St. Augustine.  If anyone knew what it was like to be entrenched in sin, it was him, and with God's grace he persevered and became Bishop of Hippo and Dr. of the Church.  Proof that nothing is impossible with God.  Never give up hope, because the truth is God never gives up hoping for you.  With each day we have to try again, and right now your struggles and hardships are not worthless to him.  He's not waiting until you become a nun or consecrated before He decides to be a part of your life.  No the great thing is He wants to be a part of your life right now, during these hidden times. 

Keep praying! Keep hoping!

Please pray for me.

[beatitude]

Thank you so much everyone!! I'm glad I posted this then. I feel I really need to just take a step back and think about God's love for me and then address the topics I have questions about... Not now. Cause now all I see are my sins. Especially sins from long ago like years ago but ones that were really bad. I always see before me the fact that they can't be undone though I know the guilt was taken away. Its more like intense regret and grief over them. I think I'll spend tonight just reflecting on God's love and hopefully that would add some clarity! God bless you

I remember a cartoon that our priest put in the parish bulletin once. The caption was "When we repent and are forgiven, God throws our sins into a bottomless lake and puts a sign up: NO FISHING ALLOWED."

You need to see only Jesus, not your sins. He is not looking at your sin, he is looking at you, and he knows the best of you. When you catch yourself obsessing over your past, just gently ask yourself why you are looking at something that Christ is not looking at. It will take time to stop yourself from going off on fishing trips, but if you persevere - gently - it will get easier in time. I promise.

If you believe in the power of God's grace, then on an intellectual level at least you know that it's not your ability to lead a perfect life that counts, but his willingness to love and perfect you. Your past sins aren't stopping you from becoming closer to God. They can't. They are not more powerful than his love. Remember Jesus' story of the labourers in the vineyard - some came at the first hour, some at the eleventh, but they all ended up in the same vineyard and they all received the same wage. The second you accept his invitation to be in that vineyard, your life changes. Your only concern now is with what happens now: regretting the past too much and worrying that it gets in the way of your relationship with God is like thinking you have the ability to limit his love through your actions. But as the fourteenth-century author of the mystical text The Cloud of Unknowing puts it, "It is not what you are nor what you have been that God looks at with his merciful eyes, but what you desire to be."

I have also made some terrible choices in my life that I regretted very bitterly. It took me some time to realise that with God nothing is lost, nothing is wasted. St Teresa of Avila wrote, "To reach something good it is very useful to have gone astray, and thus acquire experience." Of course she wasn't saying that sin is a good thing. But she knew that it can be useful thing, because God is an expert in recycling, and he can turn our worst mistakes into our best lessons. Thinking back to a time when I went badly wrong, I can see that my repentance for that sin softened me, made me less judgmental of others and more able to be compassionate with them in their own times of weakness. That was the gift of grace at work. Let it work, trust him, don't worry.

Edited July 14, 2015 by beatitude
Font got messed up

[BarbTherese]

I used to have vivid sort of flashbacks to the time when bipolar was very active and a big problem, putting things mildly.   It cast me into poverty and homelessness and destroyed relationships.  I had a talk with Father in Confession not long ago about how those episodes and memories can haunt and near incapacitate me and bring negativity on a spiritual level.  Father told me to never ever return to the past and I never have since that Confession in that the flashback type memories are abating and also in their power to incapacitate and weaken.  They might come back, but without what had come in their wake - and they pass quickly. Confession is a great healer, it is the real Presence of The All Loving and Merciful Jesus.  This is not the first time healing has come to me through Confession.

In the Confessional, Jesus not only forgives - He forgets completely.

I really liked what beatitude posted.  It is very simple bringing a smile -  yet very profound and much said in few words:

"I remember a cartoon that our priest put in the parish bulletin once. The caption was "When we repent and are forgiven, God throws our sins into a bottomless lake and puts a sign up: NO FISHING ALLOWED."

There are some really great thoughts and sharing in this thread.  Much consolation.

Edited July 14, 2015 by BarbaraTherese

[:o)Katherine:o)]

I had a similar experience not long ago. The weight of my past sins even after going to confessions still wore me down. I felt that I was not worthy of my vocation calling and that how could I ever be good enough? I went to confession to talk to the priest about the weight I was feeling and he said to let it go and not to be so hard on myself. The priest told me to go to Mass as often as possible (I had withdrawn from it because of my guilt) and to spend as much time in Eucharistic Adoration as possible. That I was loved so much that Jesus wanted to share that gift with me. I have grown so much from it. I do have my moments and when I do, I spend time in front of the Blessed Sacrament and share my fears and guilt with Him. I cry and let it out, and then I sit with Him and thank Him.

I know that you said that you do not have the option to go to daily Mass but do you have a way to go to Eucharistic Adoration? There is great strength in spending time with Him and the gates of Heaven. Even ask the angels and saints to help you to be the saint that you are called to be!

Have you ever read the story of St. Augustine of Hippo? He has become one of my favorite saints over the years. I think that you would find inspiration in him.

 

My prayers are with you! I will whisper a special prayer for you during the Mass intentions tomorrow!

[HopefulHeart]

It is also good to pray to the Blessed Mother when we are struggling with our spiritual frailty. I am reading a biography of Blessed James Alberione, and I found this quotation from his writings about a vision that he had of heaven. He speaks of Mary's intercession in a beautiful way:

"In December, 1946, the Lord deigned to console me greatly and to orientate my soul. I entered heaven, where the angels and saints seemed to refuse to admit me into their company. They fled from me, seeing that I was so miserable and stained with sin. . . . Then Mary, the Mother of all mercies, intervened. She let them know how many graces she had poured into my soul and how great was her love for me. Then she invited them to accept me with joy, because, notwithstanding my sins, I was her very dear son and a marvel of her maternal mercy, a soul to whom her blessed Jesus had applied His blood of redemption a thousand times over." (James Alberione: A Marvel of Our Times, by Rev. Stephen Lamera, S.S.P., published by the Daughters of St. Paul, 1977, page 150)

[vee]

 But now its more because I constantly feel some sort of emotional agony over my past. I know its forgiven and I'm not doubting that at all. I'm just in pain because i realized how serious it was and I didn't really know before. Specifically sins against purity that mean I can't be a CV.. That was very painful to understand and I cried many tears over it. But I still can't seem to get over it. I'm not discerning to be a CV but a nun or consecrated person in the world.

 I have an impression in my mind as if God doesnt want me as close or that its impossible for me to be truly near Him..

Prayers that the Holy Spirit will help you.

Those things are not from God, dont dwell on them at all.  Perhaps some reading of St Ignatius and times of consolation desolation etc will help you.  Basically just ignore that junk, those thoughts, and continue doing good.  Youve been washed in confession and thats left your soul whiter than snow, dont let the devil tell you otherwise.