any encouragement or prayers

[beatitude]

Thank you so much everyone!! I'm glad I posted this then. I feel I really need to just take a step back and think about God's love for me and then address the topics I have questions about... Not now. Cause now all I see are my sins. Especially sins from long ago like years ago but ones that were really bad. I always see before me the fact that they can't be undone though I know the guilt was taken away. Its more like intense regret and grief over them. I think I'll spend tonight just reflecting on God's love and hopefully that would add some clarity! God bless you

I remember a cartoon that our priest put in the parish bulletin once. The caption was "When we repent and are forgiven, God throws our sins into a bottomless lake and puts a sign up: NO FISHING ALLOWED."

You need to see only Jesus, not your sins. He is not looking at your sin, he is looking at you, and he knows the best of you. When you catch yourself obsessing over your past, just gently ask yourself why you are looking at something that Christ is not looking at. It will take time to stop yourself from going off on fishing trips, but if you persevere - gently - it will get easier in time. I promise.

If you believe in the power of God's grace, then on an intellectual level at least you know that it's not your ability to lead a perfect life that counts, but his willingness to love and perfect you. Your past sins aren't stopping you from becoming closer to God. They can't. They are not more powerful than his love. Remember Jesus' story of the labourers in the vineyard - some came at the first hour, some at the eleventh, but they all ended up in the same vineyard and they all received the same wage. The second you accept his invitation to be in that vineyard, your life changes. Your only concern now is with what happens now: regretting the past too much and worrying that it gets in the way of your relationship with God is like thinking you have the ability to limit his love through your actions. But as the fourteenth-century author of the mystical text The Cloud of Unknowing puts it, "It is not what you are nor what you have been that God looks at with his merciful eyes, but what you desire to be."

I have also made some terrible choices in my life that I regretted very bitterly. It took me some time to realise that with God nothing is lost, nothing is wasted. St Teresa of Avila wrote, "To reach something good it is very useful to have gone astray, and thus acquire experience." Of course she wasn't saying that sin is a good thing. But she knew that it can be useful thing, because God is an expert in recycling, and he can turn our worst mistakes into our best lessons. Thinking back to a time when I went badly wrong, I can see that my repentance for that sin softened me, made me less judgmental of others and more able to be compassionate with them in their own times of weakness. That was the gift of grace at work. Let it work, trust him, don't worry.

Edited July 14, 2015 by beatitude
Font got messed up

[BarbTherese]

I used to have vivid sort of flashbacks to the time when bipolar was very active and a big problem, putting things mildly.   It cast me into poverty and homelessness and destroyed relationships.  I had a talk with Father in Confession not long ago about how those episodes and memories can haunt and near incapacitate me and bring negativity on a spiritual level.  Father told me to never ever return to the past and I never have since that Confession in that the flashback type memories are abating and also in their power to incapacitate and weaken.  They might come back, but without what had come in their wake - and they pass quickly. Confession is a great healer, it is the real Presence of The All Loving and Merciful Jesus.  This is not the first time healing has come to me through Confession.

In the Confessional, Jesus not only forgives - He forgets completely.

I really liked what beatitude posted.  It is very simple bringing a smile -  yet very profound and much said in few words:

"I remember a cartoon that our priest put in the parish bulletin once. The caption was "When we repent and are forgiven, God throws our sins into a bottomless lake and puts a sign up: NO FISHING ALLOWED."

There are some really great thoughts and sharing in this thread.  Much consolation.

Edited July 14, 2015 by BarbaraTherese

[:o)Katherine:o)]

I had a similar experience not long ago. The weight of my past sins even after going to confessions still wore me down. I felt that I was not worthy of my vocation calling and that how could I ever be good enough? I went to confession to talk to the priest about the weight I was feeling and he said to let it go and not to be so hard on myself. The priest told me to go to Mass as often as possible (I had withdrawn from it because of my guilt) and to spend as much time in Eucharistic Adoration as possible. That I was loved so much that Jesus wanted to share that gift with me. I have grown so much from it. I do have my moments and when I do, I spend time in front of the Blessed Sacrament and share my fears and guilt with Him. I cry and let it out, and then I sit with Him and thank Him.

I know that you said that you do not have the option to go to daily Mass but do you have a way to go to Eucharistic Adoration? There is great strength in spending time with Him and the gates of Heaven. Even ask the angels and saints to help you to be the saint that you are called to be!

Have you ever read the story of St. Augustine of Hippo? He has become one of my favorite saints over the years. I think that you would find inspiration in him.

 

My prayers are with you! I will whisper a special prayer for you during the Mass intentions tomorrow!

[HopefulHeart]

It is also good to pray to the Blessed Mother when we are struggling with our spiritual frailty. I am reading a biography of Blessed James Alberione, and I found this quotation from his writings about a vision that he had of heaven. He speaks of Mary's intercession in a beautiful way:

"In December, 1946, the Lord deigned to console me greatly and to orientate my soul. I entered heaven, where the angels and saints seemed to refuse to admit me into their company. They fled from me, seeing that I was so miserable and stained with sin. . . . Then Mary, the Mother of all mercies, intervened. She let them know how many graces she had poured into my soul and how great was her love for me. Then she invited them to accept me with joy, because, notwithstanding my sins, I was her very dear son and a marvel of her maternal mercy, a soul to whom her blessed Jesus had applied His blood of redemption a thousand times over." (James Alberione: A Marvel of Our Times, by Rev. Stephen Lamera, S.S.P., published by the Daughters of St. Paul, 1977, page 150)

[vee]

 But now its more because I constantly feel some sort of emotional agony over my past. I know its forgiven and I'm not doubting that at all. I'm just in pain because i realized how serious it was and I didn't really know before. Specifically sins against purity that mean I can't be a CV.. That was very painful to understand and I cried many tears over it. But I still can't seem to get over it. I'm not discerning to be a CV but a nun or consecrated person in the world.

 I have an impression in my mind as if God doesnt want me as close or that its impossible for me to be truly near Him..

Prayers that the Holy Spirit will help you.

Those things are not from God, dont dwell on them at all.  Perhaps some reading of St Ignatius and times of consolation desolation etc will help you.  Basically just ignore that junk, those thoughts, and continue doing good.  Youve been washed in confession and thats left your soul whiter than snow, dont let the devil tell you otherwise. 

[Gabriela]

I think of St. Augustine, too. Cuz I used to swim in sin. I don't generally regret those now, except for the occasional pang in the form of a kind of "vision" of what I did in my imagination. Then I feel ashamed. But it goes quickly, usually. And I typically tell myself it's just the stoopid devil trying to drag me down. Cuz I know I'm forgiven. And healed.

You should read the Confessions.

[MarysLittleFlower]

Thank you everyone for the prayers and encouraging posts!! I'm really grateful you responded.  I'm trying to think about all that... Its a new day and the same thing continues. I can't seem to 'find' Jesus and there's this impression as if He doesn't want me as before. I tried everything that brought me closer to Him before (except Sacraments cause I can't yet) but its like He's silent. I think its either because of my (current) sins which I hope to confess on Thursday, or lack of trust on my part.

Even when I don't think of those old past sins I still feel that way. He doesn't seem to respond when I seek Him.. I'm going to just keep doing what I'm supposed to do and pray, do my duties, try to get to.the Sacraments, and maybe hopefully I can visit Him later today in the church... I can't go to Adoration sadly.  this is some sort of desolation and I feel like I've been so bad that Jesus isn't responding to me now. I know He loves me but I'm not sure why nothing is taking away this emptiness within. I hope to get to Confession and Mass soon  

Edited July 14, 2015 by MarysLittleFlower

[vee]

When Jesus seems to be silent I like to think of the story when He is asleep in the boat during the storm, try to let Him rest and dont panic

[MarysLittleFlower]

When Jesus seems to be silent I like to think of the story when He is asleep in the boat during the storm, try to let Him rest and dont panic

Haha yes I've thought of this too before... its a beautiful thought really. The worst part is fearing like He's hiding because of my sins and me being bad. Not just the desolation but the most probable explanation of it. It does show though that we only feel Jesus there when He wants that, and we have no power to make that happen at all! Some people experience desolation to offer it for others, etc, its humbling to think that for me its more likely to just be my sins. Shows how much pride I have that I need to be taught that lesson 

 

Edited July 14, 2015 by MarysLittleFlower

[vee]

Jesus is the good shepherd, he seeks out the lost sheep and brings them back to the fold where they belong. He certainly doesn't hide from them no matter what they did. He came specifically to save us from ourselves from our sins never to shun us.   our ransom is His blood, He has given everything for us for Each of us as if no other person existed.   be thankful instead of thinking of shunning

[Feankie]

Jesus is ALWAYS with us, whether we recognize Him or not.  Why would Jesus not be with someone who has sinned?  Didn't he dine with tax collectors and other reprobates?  MLF, we ALL sin and fall short of the glory of God.  But the good news is the Lord said he will be with us and never forsake us.

Even if we are experiencing spiritual desolation, that does not mean Jesus has abandoned us.  He is not aways "touchy feely".  The Holy Spirit dwells within each of us....and is he not part of the Trinity?!  Another Scripture that comes immediately to mind is Be still and know that I am God.  I am with you till the end of the age. (Not in correct Biblical order, but you can see where I'm going).  No, He never leaves us nor forsakes us nor is He hiding from us, even if we have sins we think are too horrible and awful for Him to reveal Himself to us.  Just rest in the knowledge that He is with you always, at all times, in all situations.  As a SD I would encourage a directee with these feelings to visit the Blessed Sacrament, acknowledge to Him that yes, you are a sinner, but yes, He forgives ALL sins.  Let it go!!!!!  If you have not sacramentally been forgiven, then by all means do it.  Let me assure you priests have heard it all and nothing shocks or repulses them.  I will pray for you.

[MarysLittleFlower]

Thank you! I know Jesus doesn't leave us in desolation... We just don't feel Him but He is there. But there is this trial I don't understand where you have an interior impression like as if Jesus has left. Of course He hasn't and He can allow trials if He wants... He knows why... So His Will be done! But its a very strong feeling. Since I sin a lot I thought - He's hiding because I've sinned to make me repent more - still doing this with love and to help me.. But that strange impression of Him being turned away is still there. I guess if you still felt His love it wouldn't be a trial... 

Its strange but later during the day He sort of "came back" without me doing anything at all... Of course He never left in the first place! I don't know how to understand it. I feel better now though... I guess many things I just won't understand here on earth I'm sure desolation is allowed for some reason... And it does help to love Him more because then the soul seeks Him. I'll talk about this to my SD when I can.. I still need to deal with healing about my past too though. 

Edited July 14, 2015 by MarysLittleFlower

[BarbTherese]

Prayers that the Holy Spirit will help you.

Those things are not from God, dont dwell on them at all.  Perhaps some reading of St Ignatius and times of consolation desolation etc will help you.  Basically just ignore that junk, those thoughts, and continue doing good.  Youve been washed in confession and thats left your soul whiter than snow, dont let the devil tell you otherwise. 

Once the devil has robbed one of Peace, there is so much more disruption that ancient scourge can cause and will strive with focus to do so. 

Excellent that Vee has raised the subject of Ignatian Spirituality and Discernment. Here is a link from the Ignatian Spirituality website:

Ignatian Discernment of Spirits in a Nutshell

Valuable Articles on Various Related Subjects to Discernment

 

Haha yes I've thought of this too before... its a beautiful thought really. The worst part is fearing like He's hiding because of my sins and me being bad. Not just the desolation but the most probable explanation of it. It does show though that we only feel Jesus there when He wants that, and we have no power to make that happen at all! Some people experience desolation to offer it for others, etc, its humbling to think that for me its more likely to just be my sins. Shows how much pride I have that I need to be taught that lesson 

 

No matter what you feel, MLF, your Faith tells you that your feelings are wrong.  No matter where our feelings might be, we know that Jesus does not withdraw consolation because of past confessed sins - in fact after a Good Confession, Jesus has not only fully forgiven but fully forgotten.  Faith tells us this.

We are created feeling creatures and this is our natural state, while Faith is supernatural and transcends our nature.  It is not easy to strive to corral feelings, to be master of our feelings, by investing in Faith..........it's not easy but it can be done with Grace and Grace never fails us in good works.  It is a good work but an arduous work - a state of lack of consolation on the natural level.  It happens and quite frequently. 

Someone reminded us of Jesus asleep in the boat during a storm ........... and added something like, let Him sleep and don't panic.Nothing whatsoever to panic about Faith tells us and we know it is so - unless one's imagination runs amok.  This can happen too and rather frequently as well - and rather often.  Our imagination can be very powerful and very difficult indeed to master and keep in control - to not let it take flight.

[BarbTherese]

Thank you! I know Jesus doesn't leave us in desolation... We just don't feel Him but He is there. But there is this trial I don't understand where you have an interior impression like as if Jesus has left. Of course He hasn't and He can allow trials if He wants... He knows why... So His Will be done! But its a very strong feeling. Since I sin a lot I thought - He's hiding because I've sinned to make me repent more - still doing this with love and to help me.. But that strange impression of Him being turned away is still there. I guess if you still felt His love it wouldn't be a trial... 

Its strange but later during the day He sort of "came back" without me doing anything at all... Of course He never left in the first place! I don't know how to understand it. I feel better now though... I guess many things I just won't understand here on earth I'm sure desolation is allowed for some reason... And it does help to love Him more because then the soul seeks Him. I'll talk about this to my SD when I can.. I still need to deal with healing about my past too though. 

First, we are never going to completely conquer sin on some level - we ARE sinners.  It's all about accepting ourselves as sinners and 'sighting' that the Love and Mercy of God is far greater than any sin at all.  When I was struggling with these things, I came to a place where I would think that my lack of confidence in The Lord's Love and Mercy was no way praising and thanking Him, rather something of an insult and spiritual pride to think that my failures and sinfulness were somehow more than The Lord's Love and Mercy.  And so one moves gradually from a focus on oneself to a focus on The Lord as He Is and with Praise and Thanksgiving.  That took very little time to type - far longer indeed to effect and at times a passage of difficulty and suffering.

On my last visit my SD said to me after Confession that as we draw closer to God what are really very little and minor things become huge - not because they are huge or serious in our fallen state as sinners, rather because we are 'sighting' something of the Great Glory of God in comparison to oneself.  This experience, however, if it is genuine, does not rob one of Peace rather it situates one nearer where one really is in relationship to God and with sorrow for one's own part in that distance through sin.

Secondly, we are going to be forever in a state of conversion.  A state when we see that something in our past needs to be repented of, to correct - this is our condition spiritually and part of our journey.

Jesus is always with us and always has very good reasons, we can be very sure of that - what we cannot be sure of is the why's of His reasons.  I came to terms with that during my illness and in Peace by letting go of needing to know why.  Stuff happens and no big deal thankfully and rather often too.

Good you will be seeing your SD soon - in August, I think you said. I hope and will pray that this will restore Peace in your soul.   When Jesus said

John 14:27
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, do I give unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be afraid.

..........He does not say "will give" or "shall give" - but "give" meaning that we have it already.  It is a gift that we have and should experience.  This does not mean at all lack of any suffering or pain for He tells us "not as the world gives" - but Peace of Soul in the midst of all and anything.

God bless 

[Lilllabettt]

MLF, have you read this book? I Believe in Love

If you haven't I will send it to you. I keep extra copies around and hand them out everywhere I go. Let me know.