Catholic Jokes

[BarbTherese]

Got any Catholic jokes to share? Father told us a goodie to introduce his homily at Vigil Mass tonight:

 

Quote

 

Man goes to Confession and confesses that he has stolen wood.

Father:  And how much wood was that, my son

Man: Enough to build my back shed, Father

Father: Ok, make the Stations of the Cross for your penance

Man: No worries, Father.  You give me the measurements and don't worry about the wood, I'll get that

 

 

Edited March 5, 2016 by BarbaraTherese

[little2add]

An old priest was dying.
He sent a message to the parish Banker and Lawyer, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.
The priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything.
Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments.
They were also puzzled; the priest had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them.
They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable homilies about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behavior which made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the banker said, “ Father, why did you ask us to come?”
The old priest mustered up his strength and then said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I want to go.”

 

[Gabriela]

A priest told this one on the radio:

Last summer I went to visit a family in which the parents had just been received into the Church. As I sat around their dinner table, I noticed their youngest son was staring at me a lot. Especially at my collar. They lived in a remote location, so I figured this kid had probably never seen a priest before, certainly not in person. I decided to try to break the ice, to relieve the tension, since he was staring pretty intensely. I asked him, 'Son, I bet you can't tell me what it says on the back of this collar,' and I moved to take it off. On the back of every priest's collar is written, 'Wash in cold water and dry flat'. I held it in my hand, hiding the laundering instructions. 'Yep, sure do', the kid said. 'Really?' I asked, 'I bet you don't'. 'I do', he repeated. 'Ok', I challenged him, 'What's it say?' 'Kills fleas and ticks for up to 6 months'. That definitely broke the ice.

[little2add]

I was raised "Catholic" so every time i hear "may the force be with you" my natural response is " and also with you "

[DominicanHeart]

I've heard a few. There's some good ones. I have a bit of an obsession with Catholic Memes too.

[Gabriela]

24 minutes ago, DominicanHeart said:

I have a bit of an obsession with Catholic Memes too.

I have hundreds downloaded to my computer. HUNDREDS!

[enitharmon]

A Franciscan and Jesuit were arguing which of order was best. As they had been fiercely debating for days and couldn't come to a conclusion, they asked God for a sign. A little later the following letter fell from heaven:

My dear sons,

The Franciscans and Jesuits are equally wonderful orders. Please stop bickering about such trivial matters.

Sincerely,
God, O.P.

[Gabriela]

Well, if we're going down that road...  

A Franciscan went to get a haircut from the local Catholic barber. When the barber was finished, the Franciscan fished into his wallet and held out $20. Blushing, the barber waved his hand and said, "Oh, no, no, Father. Your money is no good here. Please, just pray for me!" The Franciscan smiled gratefully and assured the barber that he would pray for him.

The next morning, when the barber arrived at his shop, he found on his doorstep a box with a dozen loaves of bread in it. That day, a Dominican came in to get his hair cut. When the barber was finished, the Dominican fished into his wallet and held out $20. Blushing, the barber waved his hand and said, "Oh, no, no, Father. Your money is no good here. Please, just pray for me!" The Dominican smiled gratefully and assured the barber that he would pray for him.

The next morning, when the barber arrived at his shop, he found on his doorstep a box with a dozen bottles of wine in it. That day, a Jesuit came in to get his hair cut. When the barber was finished, the Jesuit fished into his wallet and held out $20. Blushing, the barber waved his hand and said, "Oh, no, no, Father. Your money is no good here. Please, just pray for me!" The Jesuit smiled gratefully and assured the barber that he would pray for him.

The next morning, when the barber arrived at his shop, he found on his doorstep a line with a dozen Jesuits in it.

Edited March 7, 2016 by Gabriela
*Told to me by a Dominican (on a Jesuit campus!)

[NadaTeTurbe]

My favorite one : 

A lady speak to a priest : 
"You know, I'm a catholic, but I don't practise."

The priest answers : 
"Like me ! I'm a nudist, but I don't practise."

****
A young lady goes to confession : 

"Father, I have sinned... the sin of vanity is strong in me. I can't stop praising myself for my beauty, showing my radiant face to the word..."

The priest open the confessional's curtain, look at her, and answer 

"This is not the sin of vanity, it's the sin of lying."

****
A missionary priest is going to be eaten alive by a lion. He prays : "please, God, give christian's thoughts to this lion..." Then the lion kneels and says : "Thank you Lord for this food..."

****

There are two doors in the paradise. One door, a big door, is for married men who were submissive with their wife. The other, a little, is for married men who weren't. Nobody have ever cross this door. But one day, St Peter see a man waiting ! He goes to greet him. "Congratulation ! What are you doing here ?" "I don't know, my wife told me to go here..."

****

It's exam time for the first communion class. The kids have to write what Jesus said when he established every sacrament. A little boy answer : 
Baptism : "I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy spirit..."
Eucharist : "take and eat, this is my body" 
Marriage : "Forgive them, Father, for they know no what they do."

I have plenty of others for a next time ! 
 

Edited March 7, 2016 by NadaTeTurbe

[DominicanHeart]

10 hours ago, Gabriela said:

I have hundreds downloaded to my computer. HUNDREDS!

Can we get a separate thread???

[Gabriela]

2 hours ago, DominicanHeart said:

Can we get a separate thread???

Yeah, dude. You wanna start it?

[Sponsa-Christi]

A man walks into a diner, and the hostess asks him: "Smoking or non-smoking?" The man hesitates and says: "Non-smoking, I guess."

Once he gets to his table, the waitress asks him what he would like to drink, and lists several options.

The man replies: "Ummm...just coffee?"

"Decaf or regular?"

"Uh, regular..."

"Cream or sugar?"

"I don't know...just black I think..."

"And to eat?"

"Do you have any pie?"

"Sure! We have apple, cherry, blueberry, pumpkin, key lime..."

The man starts to panic and cries out: "St. Francis, please help me! I can't cope with all these choices!"

So then a booming voice comes down from heaven:

"Assisi, Xavier, or de Sales?"

[Gabriela]

6 minutes ago, Sponsa-Christi said:

A man walks into a diner, and the hostess asks him: "Smoking or non-smoking?" The man hesitates and says: "Non-smoking, I guess."

Once he gets to his table, the waitress asks him what he would like to drink, and lists several options.

The man replies: "Ummm...just coffee?"

"Decaf or regular?"

"Uh, regular..."

"Cream or sugar?"

"I don't know...just black I think..."

"And to eat?"

"Do you have any pie?"

"Sure! We have apple, cherry, blueberry, pumpkin, key lime..."

The man starts to panic and cries out: "St. Francis, please help me! I can't cope with all these choices!"

So then a booming voice comes down from heaven:

"Assisi, Xavier, or de Sales?"

That's hilarious.

[DominicanHeart]

9 hours ago, Gabriela said:

Yeah, dude. You wanna start it?

Yes!!!

[Tab'le De'Bah-Rye]

Q: What did the blind man say to the prophet?

 

A: "Sorry i didn't see the signs."

[Makarioi]

What do you call a sleep walking nun??  A roamin' Catholic!

[Tab'le De'Bah-Rye]

Q: What sound does a Nun make on a dirt bike?

 

A: Nunnnnnnnnnn Nu Nunnnnnnnnn Nu Nunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn Nun Nun Nun Nun.

 

Doesn't work if you have never heard a dirt bike.  And i'm not the greatest impressionist at the moment, very lethargic.

Edited March 10, 2016 by Tab'le De'Bah-Rye

[John Paul]

What do you call a nun at a costume party

A Blessing in disguise

[enitharmon]

Here's a joke my late uncle loved to tell...

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?"

The driver is understandably hesitant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."

But the Pope persists, "Please?" The driver finally lets up. "Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the Pope."

So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over.

The cop walks up and asks the Pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: Chief, I have a problem.

Chief: What sort of problem?

Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important.

Chief: Important like the mayor?

Cop: No, no, much more important than that.

Chief: Important like the governor?

Cop: Wayyyyyy more important than that.

Chief: Like the president?

Cop: More.

Chief: Who's more important than the president?

Cop: I don't know, but he's got the Pope driving for him!

Edited March 10, 2016 by enitharmon

[foundsheep]