Madonna Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 I Muslim friend of mine just got married. The marriage was arranged; his parents went to India and picked out a spouse for him and one for each of his 2 younger siblings. He just got married on Monday. We discussed a lot the pros and cons of arranged marriage before he left. He said that in the Muslim faith, they believe marriages are made in heaven, so it'll work out. My dad and I discussed this for a long time. He said he wouldn't advocate them, but he thinks they are a good idea. I agree on the part that they could be good because love is choice. Not to mention that dating and courtship is so screwed up these days. I can't bring myself to date for recreation. What do you think?
ironmonk Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 Arranged marriages could open up the window to adultery because it's easy for someone to fall for someone else when they don't even know their spouse or were forced into the marriage. The problem with things being messed up these days is because of Martin Luther. Everyone is their own pope and can choose what to believe and what not to believe. How do we fix the problem.... we can't. We should try to fix it, but it's a sign of the times. God Bless, ironmonk
Sojourner Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 I think that arranged marriages aren't a bad idea, and love is a choice, it's true. I personally wouldn't be comfortable with letting my parents choose a match for me, though, because they're not Catholic. But like you, I hate recreational dating. I would never go, and have never gone, into a dating relationship thinking it to be "casual" -- in my mind, the only reason to date is if you are discerning whether or not this person is the one you will marry.
1337 k4th0l1x0r Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 I don't think it's all bad as it places commitment above emotional love. Many people fall in love and base the commitment on that. The problem is that once people fall out of love or the love weakens, the commitment breaks down too. That's not to say that people who fall in love can never have a committed relationship (a whole whole lot of them do), but the commitment is entered into to be a new foundation of love. Marriages that fail usually do so because the partners say, "I'm committed to him/her because I love him/her and she/he loves me." Instead, the relationship should be "I love him/her and I know she/he will love me back because we're committed to each other." Commitment is the cause and love is the effect.
1337 k4th0l1x0r Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 FYI, I do enjoy dating, courtship, and falling in love. It's just a matter of how you approach it.
Madonna Posted July 30, 2004 Author Posted July 30, 2004 I'll use my parents as an example for a point I want to make. When they first got married, they were madly in love. After a few years, that emotional high wore off. It happened to be around this time my dad had a reversion to the faith. Doing so changed his outlook on life, and saved my parents marriage. My dad told me that he decided then that only way their marriage was going to work is if he decided and worked hard at making my mom his best friend. He did just that. They chose to love each other all over again, and now the mushy stuff comes in waves. But they are solid, even when the emotions aren't there. My parents are complete opposites as well. But their friendship and decision is the basis. They have one of the best marriages I have ever seen. They treat each other like gold. With arranged marriages, I think couples do this, but sometimes without the "highs" of love coming first. They make a choice to love each other. Ironmonk, I don't think adultery is usually a problem. In the cultures and faiths in which arranged marriages are common, you disgrace yourself and your family if you do not committ yourself to your spouse and children. I do not think my Muslim friend is completely crazy about his wife right now. But I think he is confident that, like his parents (who also had an arranged marriage) he will grow to love, care for, and become one with his wife. His parents had 8 children.
BeenaBobba Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 I wouldn't want my parents arranging my marriage, but arranged marriages can and do work out in some instances. Couples later say affection for each other grew as time went on. At the end of the day, I don't fully support arranged marriages, but there is some truth behind the whole practice. Marriage should always be based on more than mere affection. That one's spouse will make a good husband/wife and mother/father and will help one grow closer to God are top priorities. One's spouse should also get along with the other's family. (Of course, attraction is important for marriage as well. No other people apart from the people getting married can really determine if this factor is there.) God bless, Jen
BeenaBobba Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 Hi Madonna, Thanks for sharing that story about your parents! It was really sweet and touching! May God bless them! Peace, Jen
homeschoolmom Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 I don't think that it's unwise to seek out your parents' advice in choosing a spouse. RussianGirl asks us stuff all the time about her relationship and we have a good connection there.... ... on the other hand, my dad suggested that HS_dad and I live together before getting married, so not all parental advice is good. Ironmonk: why is Luther to blame so every ill in society?
Christina Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 Hmm.... how convenient it would have been to have an arranged marriage. No work in forming friendship, trust or love. What if, after they marry they can’t stand each other? It's hard for me to really believe that these people are truly happy or even in love for that matter. It’s expected of them and since that is all they know… do they really understand what love is?
Madonna Posted July 30, 2004 Author Posted July 30, 2004 (edited) [quote] Hmm.... how convenient it would have been to have an arranged marriage. No work in forming friendship, trust or love. [/quote] I'm not sure how you can say that. They have to form all of that within the marriage. [quote] What if, after they marry they can’t stand each other? [/quote] I often think that not being able to "stand" another is a weakness that can be overcome. I have tested myself in this before, forcing myself to like and care for someone that bothered me to no end. After a week or two, I couldn't even remember why I could stand the person. C.S. Lewis has this awesome quote that I cannot find right now. He says do not wory about loving other people, but act as if you love them, and you will grow to do so. [quote name='Christina' date='Jul 30 2004, 10:43 AM'] do they really understand what love is? [/quote] I think they understand is hardwork. Love is not leaving. Love is perseverence. Love is a choice. I think they understand more than most of us do what love is. Edited July 30, 2004 by Madonna
justfran Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 It tends to work out. I don't think marriage has really become about emotional love until pretty recently. It wouldn't have been unusual for a Catholic in, say, Italy, to go through an arranged marriage. It was all about repaying old debts - I save your life, you give me your daughter, or maybe something to do with business or money or power - whatever. Just gotta rely on a bit of Providence.
Christina Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 Madonna, Of course, these are my opinions... I know nothing about arranged marriages. I am merely trying to understand. What I mean by "no work" in forming a friendship, trust or love ....is that, they are already matched up. They will be married and will be expected to eventually have these things. We, on the other hand have to work very hard sometimes in our relationships before we get married. I'm sure they experience something quit different then we do... With regards to not being able to stand each other... what if they find they are not compatible? Will they be expected out of obligation and commitment to live their lives together regardless? That doesn't seem very fair to me.... if they had courted, perhaps they would have known before marriage.... again, my opinion. And "do they really understand what love is?" I don't really agree with your comment, "love is not leaving" I think that if you are not happy and have tried everything within your means to work things out... you shouldn't have to stick around. I would hate to see a marriage break up just as much as I would hate to see two people forced to live a life they do not want.
1337 k4th0l1x0r Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 To some people who are into arranged marriages, choosing a spouse would make about as much sense as choosing your parents. I may not get along with my parents completely or have the same interests as them, but I really do love them. I just think that arranged marriages could work (and in fact they were very successful and the norm for a very long time).
Christina Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 [quote name='1337 k4th0l1x0r' date='Jul 30 2004, 01:19 PM'] To some people who are into arranged marriages, choosing a spouse would make about as much sense as choosing your parents. I may not get along with my parents completely or have the same interests as them, but I really do love them. I just think that arranged marriages could work (and in fact they were very successful and the norm for a very long time). [/quote] I agree... I think that they probably work more than not... because the couple are expected to "make it work."
Madonna Posted July 30, 2004 Author Posted July 30, 2004 So why can't couples who are in love before they get married go in with the same mentality? Maybe the issue isn't arranged marriage or not, but more what the couples attitude is going into a marriage.
MagiDragon Posted July 30, 2004 Posted July 30, 2004 (edited) [quote name='Madonna' date='Jul 30 2004, 04:10 PM'] So why can't couples who are in love before they get married go in with the same mentality? Maybe the issue isn't arranged marriage or not, but more what the couples attitude is going into a marriage. [/quote] i think they *can*, but a lotta the time, they just don't. They don't see commitment as the foundation of a marriage. If you don't see marriage as a sacred promise, then the marriage isn't real likely to 'work out.' So, yeah, I have to agree with you Madonna. Peace, Joe Edited July 30, 2004 by MagiDragon
daugher-of-Mary Posted July 31, 2004 Posted July 31, 2004 My family knew a lovely Indian couple whose marriage was arranged. They were very happy together, but had to work hard at their relationship just like anyone else. (They have a son my age, and the wife told mum to bring me back in a few years and maybe they could work something out. Eek! ) Anyway, I think arranged marriages definitely have the potential for being very beautiful relationships, but I'm not sure it's something an American could handle. In other cultures, people grow up expecting their parents to choose for them.
Christina Posted July 31, 2004 Posted July 31, 2004 [quote name='MagiDragon' date='Jul 30 2004, 03:26 PM'] i think they *can*, but a lotta the time, they just don't. [b]They don't see commitment as the foundation of a marriage. If you don't see marriage as a sacred promise, then the marriage isn't real likely to 'work out.'[/b] So, yeah, I have to agree with you Madonna. Peace, Joe [/quote] That's exactly right! So, these people who are in an arranged marriage have been taught that marriage's foundation is commitment, so they "make it work." Love comes after that...heck, it could have even been love at first sight too right?
picchick Posted July 31, 2004 Posted July 31, 2004 My $.02. Well, I agree arranged marriages can and do work. I have heard how they have turned out to be beautiful relationships like many people have mentioned. However, I do not really support it. I think that if you are adult enough to get married then you should be mature enough pick your spouse. (This can be unture in some cases. That is why couples planning to get married should consult with their parents and priests/pastors.) What if the arranged marriage is not who God wants you to be with? For me, that is the purpose of dating. To find your future spouse. Also for me love is everlasting. If love is not everlasting then what is God and what is the purpose of him loving us? Plus, Jesus really stressed the theme of love in his gospels. He said, "Love your neighbor as yourself" and "Love God above all things." If love wears out then why do couples love each other to there death and perhaps into eternity? I think that affections and feelings wear out. Sometimes I think that Americans today have confused love with affection. God's Blessings and Peace, Meg
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