I'm weird

[theculturewarrior]

Hello friends:

In the latter half of May, I had a drug reaction. It isn't something I want to do again, but it is a good thing it happened, and manic episodes have their good points. Anyway, when the medicine was in my system, I started thinking of how beautiful life is. I remembered when I walked out of the Library, I told my coworker, "now that I'm insane, let me tell you what I've learned. Suffering teaches us to love." And at the height of my mania, I sent a bulk email telling everybody what I was thinking. I just let go. I was ready to die, because I knew that every second of my life is at the mercy of God, and every second is beautiful, even when we hurt, or when nobody understands. So anyway, because I wasn't thinking clearly, my email read like a suicide note, and lots of people were concerned about my health.

It turned out, all this time, I had been misdiagnosed, and I really have bipolar disorder, and not schizophrenia. So now, I'm going through some changes, and it's an adjustment, but on the whole, I'm better for it. I ask that you please pray for me.

Today, I felt like I was going to have some more problems. I was starting to act loopy again. I had given up meat, in part from what I was thinking when I was manic, and now that my doctor is putting me on something for bipolar disorder, every day is an adjustment. I barely feel like I need to eat any more. This morning I had a peanut butter sandwich, and in the afternoon, I had had a salad, and at around 4:00 pm I was starting to act funny again.

A few days ago, a professor had come into the Library and he had been on my email list and had received my "suicidal" email. And when I explained to him that I was having a drug reaction at the time, he said he didn't think anything of it, and that he thought it was nice, and he thanked me for thinking of him. I also noticed that he looked depressed. So today, when I wasn't thinking right, I left a note in his office that said something like, "I've noticed that you've been looking a little down, I just wanted to tell you, life is beautiful, even when we hurt, even when nobody understands. I'll be thinking of you." And I signed with my initials.

But as soon as I did that I had my doubts, and I realized I need to eat, and I'm wondering what's coming next. Please pray for me, and if you are sane, tell me whether or not that appeared sane. Advice is nice to me.

And I'll be praying for all of you.

[philothea]

You sound fine to me, in the above. (I might not be a good judge, though.)

Both protein and carbohydrates have a profound effect on my brain chemistry. Fat is neutral. You might want to try shifting your carb/protein balance. I'm not sure what is optimal for you, but it certainly matters.

There are non-meat proteins. I practically live on peanuts and soybean products.

Prayers, of course. You always had them.

[theculturewarrior]

[quote name='philothea' date='Jun 8 2005, 05:58 PM']Prayers, of course.  You always had them.
[right][snapback]607514[/snapback][/right]
[/quote]

Thank you! Someday, God willing, we will meet in Heaven, and if I remember this, I will thank you profusely for your prayers. Of course, I don't know if we will remember anything in Heaven, and I know that even God forgets, but I think we will remember our lives and our friends and family. I think it will be that our memories will be sanctified. I don't know. *shrug*

I stocked up on beans and my mom bought me a crock pot, but I haven't figured out how to cook them yet. I tried soaking some split peas but I let them soak for too long, and they went rancid. But my mom had me buy some protein bars and I had a couple bananas. Thank God my boss is so understanding!

[Catholictothecore]

TCW, in heaven, you will remember this, as we will all see each other in glory for times we did the will of God. So, don't worry about that part!

You are in my prayers, def!

[jmjtina]

You most def. have my prayers TCW.

God's gift is awesome. Life IS beautiful! Live it.

[let_go_let_God]

TCW what you did is fine, when you are in a state like you were, a person does things like that. I know, I've done them to. When I was depressed I did something just like that but I called them "To whom it may concern" letters. My friends read them, and realized what I was going through and helped me, and my parents also thought I was suicidal. Don't worry, God is in control, and a letter like you wrote can be very liberating, not only emotionally but spiritually as well.

May God bless and keep you always, you have my prayers.

God bless-
LGLG

[theculturewarrior]

Please continue to pray for me. The whole thing happened because I had asked my doctor for medicine for ADD, because I was disorganized and having trouble focusing, but it turned out that medicine for ADD is generally contra-indicated for bipolar disorder, and people with bipolar disorder are generally disorganized.

So now, every day is an adjustment, and I have to see my doctor every week. I don't have time to be sick. I'm back in school for the summer, and I'm trying my hardest but I can't seem to get anything in on time. And here I am at Phatmass, and I fear my addiction is returning, but my mind wanders so much I can't seem to focus on anything else.

If any of this embarasses any of you, I apologize. Not everybody wants to know about my neurological condition, I know. I just think of it as having a cold that won't go away, at this point.

Please pray for me. I don't ask for much. My favorite devotion is the Morning Offering, and if you say these prayers, offer your day for me, as often as you remember.

But if it pleases you, I can teach you an easy prayer.

[i]O Jesus, I wish to make my life this day a prayer on behalf of all the names written on my heart and Yours.[/i]

He can read my name there, if it is written there, and when you say that, you will be offering all your prayers that day to him, and all of your works, joys, and sufferings will be a prayer for the intentions of your heart, and they will be for me, if I am there.

Today my boss told me I've seemed a little jumpy, but I feel fine. It just seems like I need more time to adjust, but God is always right on time.

Now I have to close Phatmass. I'm offering that for anybody reading, for any intention.

[FranciscanRocker25]

prayers for you of course. my dad is bipolar too.. soo i totally understand where you're coming from.

[karin]

you always have my prayers big bro! but you can have some extras. my dad is bi polar too

[Cathurian]

God bless you, you great big beautiful soul. Sorry you have all this trouble, but man you post the most gorgeous things about it.

God bless you and help you in your suffering.

[voiciblanche]

Aaaw, my sweet brother. Many prayers.

[Birgitta Noel]

Prayers and more prayers on top. Hang in there, fight the good fight. One day at a time my friend.

We're behind you in this all the way.

Thanks for the prayer! It's perfect.

-_- BN

[theculturewarrior]

[quote name='Cathurian' date='Jun 13 2005, 10:07 PM']God bless you, you great big beautiful soul. Sorry you have all this trouble, but man you post the most gorgeous things about it.

God bless you and help you in your suffering.
[right][snapback]611017[/snapback][/right]
[/quote]

That's a very flattering compliment. Thanks. I just hope it doesn't go to my head!

[azaelia]

I wish I could write beautiful reflections during my insane moments...

As always, you have my prayers.

[Noel's angel]

you know you've got my prayers TCW. I think that in these moments, your fear is dispelled, allowing what's inside you to flourish-you are a wonderful person and very inspiring

[p-hawk]

[quote name='theculturewarrior' date='Jun 8 2005, 07:46 PM']
I remembered when I walked out of the Library, I told my coworker, "now that I'm insane, let me tell you what I've learned. Suffering teaches us to love."
[/quote]

That is one of the most sane things I've ever heard.

As someone who is dealing with hypothyroid-induced depression and protein/carb adjustments, I certainly have realized parts of where you have been. I'm praying for you. :tiphat:

[Catholictothecore]

God bless you and your screwed up little mind! These thoughts are all so awesome. A lesson we could all learn and use well.

[theculturewarrior]

My cross feels a little heavier right now. God has given me a little humiliation, but I ask that you pray for me, because I do not like to look insane.

Today I was working in an old office space in a historic downtown area, helping the archivist from the library move some stuff, and it was hot, and there was only one canteen of water, and my medicine was making me dizzy. So when we were finished, I had an hour lunch break with which to drive back to my apartment, stop to get water, eat, take a shower, and drive back to work. So when I was stopping at the gas station to get water and gatorade, I saw a friend from my parish.

My boss said I seem a little jumpy lately, and I was in such a rush, that I felt a little stressed out, and I was so dehydrated! I tried explaning it to my friend but I think I looked like a crazy person and I'm not sure I made sense, and I made her feel uncomfortable.

I'll see her in church again on Sunday, and I will apologize, but please pray for me.

[theculturewarrior]

I'm embarrassed. -_-

[p-hawk]

[quote name='theculturewarrior' date='Jun 14 2005, 09:01 PM']I'm embarrassed. -_-
[right][snapback]611757[/snapback][/right]
[/quote]

Don't be! You have an illness. An illness! There is no shame in that! Just because the symptoms include doing otherwise socially unacceptable activities that a healthy person would have reason to be ashamed about does NOT mean that you should be ashamed of them, since it is a symptom of your illness! Anyone who realizes that you are ill should chalk it up to your illness and treat you normally. If you are not comfortable with people knowing about your illness, then this is an opportunity to practice humility.

And the embarrassment itself could be a symptom, and you may not have control of it. All of these situations require prayer and humility in your suffering.

Again, I'm praying for you.