smug marrieds.

[Fides_et_Ratio]

Okay, so I'm totally thrilled my friend got married to a wonderful and solidly Catholic man. I am.

But since she's gotten back from her honeymoon and starting working only part-time now, I never see her. I call, she's not there. I e-mail (SEVERAL times) and get no responses.

It's beginning to look a lot like the only time she contacts me is when she wants me to do something for her. Which, fine, I'm all about helping her out, doing charity things for the parish (or her wedding)... but somewhere I have to draw the line. I want a friend, not a "hi-long-time-no-see-will-you-do-this-for-me" person.

And, I know, she hasn't been married that long and I have to cut her the newlywed break, but this was beginning to start about half-way through the engagement. I don't want a call when she wants me to do something for her. I want a call when she wants to hang out or do something fun too.

Gah. I hate being single and all alone.

[Sinner]

You are not alone........ I am thinking of you. Frustrating....yes, so sorry.

[Old_Joe]

Yeah tell me about it. Oh wait you just did. silly me

[Thy Geekdom Come]

I think it's important to realize that those in love wish to include others in their love. They wish to share their joy...and yet, to have the strength to do that, they need to strengthen the bonds between themselves, too. You may see less of them both and they may call on you less. It may seem that you are losing someone, but she cares for you as much as she did before.

I confess that a friend of mine was married recently and whenever he'd talk about it, it felt like a stab in the heart. He was my friend...a bachelor...and then he got married and I didn't get to spend time with him anymore. I was happy for him and I felt like I'd lost someone to "those darn married couples."

Life goes on...we get included less often, but we should be happy and not resentful. We shouldn't think that we have a right to be loved or appreciated more than our friend's beloved...it's an entirely different kind of love. Nor should we think that we know our friend better than the beloved...they know each other far better than we could imagine.

Just know that your friend still loves you and wants to spend time with you. For now, though, the little time she has may come in the form of small talk or asking for help. Friendship can blossom in those supporting roles as well.

God bless.

[Fides_et_Ratio]

[quote name='Raphael' date='Jul 11 2005, 12:04 AM']Just know that your friend still loves you and wants to spend time with you.  For now, though, the little time she has may come in the form of small talk or asking for help.  Friendship can blossom in those supporting roles as well.
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But that's just it. We don't do small talk anymore. And the only help she's asking for is in doing her job (or the wedding when it was being planned) ...just something so she won't have to do as much.

Which, don't get me wrong, I'm all about helping out. But I don't want to be used just because I'll do things and lend my skills (for free). I haven't heard from her since she got back from her honeymoon, but I've sent tons of e-mails and phone calls... all of which have gone unanswered... but I can guarantee you that at least by next week she be calling to ask me to help with the 300+ church mailing she has to get done. I don't want to be the work horse.

[IcePrincessKRS]

Newlyweds like to spend time together, sure, but it sounds to me like this girl is just being plain ol' rude. Friendship of utility sounds about right at this point... Frankly I'd say I can't do it if you don't want to. :shrug: But I'm kind of vindictive like that... anyway, as I was saying, newlyweds also spend time with their friends, they don't just use them as work-horses, so I think you're perfectly justified in feeling frustrated with her (I NEVER did that to my friends when I was first married and if I had I wouldn't have blamed them for thinking I was treating them like carp). (as a newlywed) You don't need to spend every waking hour with your friends but an hour or two out of the month won't kill either.

Edited July 11, 2005 by IcePrincessKRS

[Thy Geekdom Come]

[quote name='Fides_et_Ratio' date='Jul 11 2005, 12:10 AM']But that's just it. We don't do small talk anymore. And the only help she's asking for is in doing her job (or the wedding when it was being planned) ...just something so she won't have to do as much.

Which, don't get me wrong, I'm all about helping out. But I don't want to be used just because I'll do things and lend my skills (for free). I haven't heard from her since she got back from her honeymoon, but I've sent tons of e-mails and phone calls... all of which have gone unanswered... but I can guarantee you that at least by next week she be calling to ask me to help with the 300+ church mailing she has to get done. I don't want to be the work horse.
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Yes, I understand...but what good is friendship if we only live it out when it's returned?

Patience...maybe in the meantime, offer to go to a movie as your treat or something...maybe it'll be harder to refuse that way.

All I know is that resentment and jealousy or anything of the sort...not good. Think of constructive solutions.

[photosynthesis]

it seems like all my friends are either engaged or going into religious life and i'm afraid of losing them. It's OK to admit that you're going through some form of grief over this. You are going through a loss. You might not be losing your friend. She loves you. But the kind of relationship you had before she got married will be different.

In terms of the work situation...maybe you could compromise a little? It sounds like she wants you to do her job for her... maybe you should cut her a little bit of a break, but you have to tow the line somewhere.

[homeschoolmom]

Something that I've come to accept... sometimes people are only your friend for a season of your life-- high school, college, while at a certain parish etc. Not everyone is going to be a lifelong friend-- Those are unique. Not that you can't still be friendly, get together once in a while, etc. But I would put my engery into other friendships until she's ready to hang out over a cup of coffee and talk.

[Didacus]

If you think you don't see your friend often now... wait until the parasites... er... I mean kids get into the picture...

Don't worry, what you are going through is all part of growing up, and happens very often. Have you tried actually going to your friend's place and facing her with what you feel? Face to face... you might find that she misses you as much as you miss her... maybe not, but that is very often the case.

[Fides_et_Ratio]

Here's the real (aka, underlying) deal.

My friends from HS don't talk to me because I reconciled to the Church. They were all strictly non-denominational and felt slighted because I had been attending various churches with them while on my "search for Truth". Apparently I was supposed to find "their truth", not the Truth.

My college friends aren't happy I transferred, and many of them are out of state or more than a few hours away.

My good friend of 16+ years (we've known each other since I was 4 or so) is not happy about the Catholic thing (and her mother doesn't help at all..) and so she and I can hang out and we usually bike/rollerblade the 12 mile trail every couple of days, but we don't talk because it's an unwritten rule that we can't talk about religion and supposedly that's what my life revolves around... so we exercise in silence (well, I interiorly pray the rosary..)... but, you get the picture.

Youth group friends are all younger than me and not as interested in Catholicism as I am. I'm the "goody-goody" and only cool enough to hang out with when I've gone to Europe or have been away from the parish for a long time.

The rest of the parishoners I'm "friends" with are mostly retired. They ask about college, I ask about retirement. ...it's just not very exciting. I'm going out to lunch with one of them today because we haven't seen each other in a while, and she's a cool lady, even if she is retired (from being a US spy!! ... she's also a convert... way cool). But I don't want my only social interaction to be with people triple my age. It's just weird. I need friends my own age.

Other than that, my married friend was really the only friend I had that it didn't matter too much what we talked about. The only catch is that she's 8 years older than me, so I know it's probably tolling on her to have to hang out with a college bum when she's been out of college for a few years and that everyone always thought I was older than her (of course, I didn't like that either!).

There are a lot of things for young Catholics in my diocese, but everyone who's my age is never interested than being anything more than an acquaintance with me. It smells of elderberries, especially as this has been brewing since I went to see a priest friend of mine, and he gave me a list of names of college people he knew and was planning to tell to e-mail and call me to hang out because he thinks I need to hang out more with people my own age. So now I feel like a total loser because all the people I hang out with are way older than me and I can't keep the attention of people my own age and need a priest to go around and tell complete strangers that I have no friends so they should feel sorry for me and hang out with me.

</end vent>

sorry for the ramble.

So maybe it's not so much about her getting married as it is about now I really have nothing better to do than sit around and read theology and philosophy books. That's not as appealing as it once was.

[Mrs. Bro. Adam]

[quote name='IcePrincessKRS' date='Jul 10 2005, 11:14 PM']Newlyweds like to spend time together, sure, but it sounds to me like this girl is just being plain ol' rude. Friendship of utility sounds about right at this point... Frankly I'd say I can't do it if you don't want to. :shrug: But I'm kind of vindictive like that... anyway, as I was saying, newlyweds also spend time with their friends, they don't just use them as work-horses, so I think you're perfectly justified in feeling frustrated with her (I NEVER did that to my friends when I was first married and if I had I wouldn't have blamed them for thinking I was treating them like carp). (as a newlywed) You don't need to spend every waking hour with your friends but an hour or two out of the month won't kill either.
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I agree completely, and coudlnt' have said it better myself.

[photosynthesis]

i totally understand about the retired senior citizens.

i'm in college too, and at the parish i've been going to for the summer, the ONLY (and i really mean it, there are no other parish activities) parish activity going on is Legion of Mary. I actually got involved with them because I'm so desperate for some sort of Catholic contact and support. Basically all they do is get together, pray the Rosary, take attendance, discuss their budget, pray some more, read some bible verses and stuff from the Legion handbook, and go home. Not very exciting. It's good because I knew no one from the parish except the priest (because he says mass at Goucher), and now i know a few random old ladies. Only one of my friends from High School approved of my Catholic faith, but he died. another one doesn't really care but she's engaged to this guy I don't like. most of them just think it's weird... we really are too busy with our own lives.

Do you go to a Catholic college? I'm guessing not, since if you did it might be easier to meet some other Catholic young adults. It is VERY frustrating being Catholic and at a secular college. Most days I feel like the ONLY Catholic here, even though I know there are maybe 5 others who are actually living the Catholic faith and not just going to Mass on random sundays.

It might sound weird that your priest is trying to fix you up with people, but I'd definitely take him up on his offer. He probably understands how hard it is to make friends and wants to help.

[homeschoolmom]

Are you old enough to go to Theology on Tap?

[Fides_et_Ratio]

[quote name='photosynthesis' date='Jul 11 2005, 10:10 AM']Do you go to a Catholic college?  I'm guessing not, since if you did it might be easier to meet some other Catholic young adults.  It is VERY frustrating being Catholic and at a secular college.  Most days I feel like the ONLY Catholic here, even though I know there are maybe 5 others who are actually living the Catholic faith and not just going to Mass on random sundays.

It might sound weird that your priest is trying to fix you up with people, but I'd definitely take him up on his offer.  He probably understands how hard it is to make friends and wants to help.
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No, I do go to a Catholic college... I transferred from Franciscan University of Steubenville to Ohio Dominican (still a Catholic college). It was still a struggle to maintain friends at Steubie. I know everyone there is nice and all, but my nickname was the 'catholic-encyclopedia' people knocked on my dorm door to ask what was up with the Holy Father or to ask a liturgical question. I wasn't very social at Franciscan for various reasons (mostly fear of the many, many judgmental personalities I met), and so most of the friends I did make there didn't really care when I transferred.

I'm wanting to take up the advice of the priest (he's not my priest... he was the transitional deacon at my parish when I reconciled and lots of help in understanding the faith, so I just go say 'hi' every so often to keep in touch)... but I have the feeling I'm going to get the same reaction I did at Steubenville. And I don't really want to join St. Paul's Outreach (the club he mentioned) because I'm not big on praise & worshippy/charismatic stuff. Other than Liturgy, my prayer life is very interior... the outward expression of my faith exists in my helping out/doing things for the Church/other people and my apologetic skills (which can be "very demanding and pushy" so I've been told).

[Fides_et_Ratio]

[quote name='homeschoolmom' date='Jul 11 2005, 10:17 AM']Are you old enough to go to Theology on Tap?
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In November I'll be, and that's the plan. But I was told (by the priest) that I ought to go with friends and not by myself--not because he thinks I'll drink too much, but because I shouldn't be drinking alone.


There's also "Gospel on Rye", but the couple times I went it wasn't as good as what I was hearing about Theology on Tap. And it's not fun to go to that by yourself either.

[avalia]

Fides,

I'm here in Ohio (as you well know) - I'm sorry you can't come on the retreat but if you need someone to talk to - I'm here! And I make trips to Columbus fairly often)

[photosynthesis]

I am, and there's an organization called BaltimoreCatholic (baltimorecatholic.com) that's for young adults. they have theology on tap. unfortunately, they're all in suburbs that are south of B'more and I live in one that is north of B'more, and the Baltimore public transportation system smells of elderberries because i can't get to places like that via bus or train, and I don't know them well enough to get a ride. So they have Theology on Tap pretty regularly but I can't get there because I have no car (reason #294,590.03 why i'm getting out of baltimore after I graduate)

Last summer, when I was working in Manhattan, I got to go to Theology on Tap, though. New York City has a really great Catholic young adult scene. but...i'm not in nyc right now

[photosynthesis]

[quote name='Fides_et_Ratio' date='Jul 11 2005, 11:22 AM']No, I do go to a Catholic college...  I transferred from Franciscan University of Steubenville to Ohio Dominican (still a Catholic college). It was still a struggle to maintain friends at Steubie. I know everyone there is nice and all, but my nickname was the 'catholic-encyclopedia' people knocked on my dorm door to ask what was up with the Holy Father or to ask a liturgical question.  I wasn't very social at Franciscan for various reasons (mostly fear of the many, many judgmental personalities I met), and so most of the friends I did make there didn't really care when I transferred.
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Steubenville sounds like such a WEIRD place. The way people talk about it, it sounds like the Catholic Capital of the World, like another Rome. My friends will say stuff like, "well, at Steubenville they do this.." or "the people at Steubenville sing this hymn this way..." It's like, if they do it at Steubenville, then it has to be awesome. They make it out to be some sort of Catholic mecca. I'm the only person [url="http://baltimorecatholic.com"]here[/url] who has never been on a Steubenville retreat. I've never even been to Steubenville...

It's such a strange place, though. If there's going to be a Catholic Capital of the U.S, you'd think they'd pick some major metropolitan center. But no, they choose this small midwestern town.

Going to a Catholic college would be so weird. Sometimes I thought about transferring to a Catholic college, but I didn't. Even though I complain about how liberal and secular Goucher is, it would be really odd to go to anyplace different. I'd probably get really frustrated with the lack of quirkiness and diversity, because everyone would be the same. At Goucher, most people would say I'm the BCOC -- the Big Catholic On Campus. At a place like Steubie, that wouldn't make me a freak. I'm so used to being a freak, though.

[Fides_et_Ratio]

I get a lot of grief for ragging on Steubie... but FUS is BY FAR, most definitely NOT a Catholic mecca. At all. Academically, they may be great... but some of the things that take place on campus are far less than exemplary.

I wanted to go to FUS because I thought it was going to be this great Catholic place. And it is, academically (for the most part... at least enough that I wouldn't complain too much), but aside from academics there was a lot I wasn't satisfied with.

(which I why I was scared to meet Bro. Adam & Mrs. ... they'd think all I did was complain about FUS and talk non-stop because I'd had no social interaction since the last time I'd been back in Columbus! lol).