Deep Thoughts

[Old_Joe]

The face of a child says a lot, especially the mouth part of the face.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

[zabbazooey]

[phatcatholic]

doh! u messed up his name!!

its Jack [b]Handey[/b]

[zwergel88]

The saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it little friend.

[zwergel88]

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, it will turn into a fossil.

I bet when neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someonw would always end up saying "Don't forget the the thick heavy brows!" Then they would all get embarassed because they remembered that they had big hunky brows too and then they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade throw one of those little pumpkins. Maybe it will make everyone think how stupid war is and while they are thinking you can hit them with a real grenade.

[Pio Nono]

JMJ
9/10 - Twenty-third Saturday

One time, when I was in the forest, I saw a skull on the ground. I immediately called the police. After I hung up, I thought to myself, "Who was this man? Where was he going? Why does he have two huge antlers sticking out of his head?"

I am afraid of clowns. I think it goes back to when I was ten, and we went to a circus, and a clown killed my Dad.

[zwergel88]

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is probably a joke that gets old real fast.

[Old_Joe]

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.

[zwergel88]

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

[Old_Joe]

When Gary told me he had found Jesus, I thought, Yahoo! We're rich! But it turned out to be something different.

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

Edited September 10, 2005 by Old_Joe

[zwergel88]

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

[Old_Joe]

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.

[zwergel88]

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

[Old_Joe]

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses should be laughing, then jumping off something.

[zwergel88]

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

[Old_Joe]

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

[zwergel88]

When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.

[azaelia]

[homeschoolmom]

Those are deep...

[zwergel88]

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.