Can men and women be "just friends?"

[matt_in_ohio]

This is an age-old question, but I would love to get the phorums opinion on it!

Can men and women be “just friends?” More specifically, can two people who previously had a relationship be “just friends?”

I ask because a former girlfriend of mine has recently made an effort to get back in touch with me. This was a person who I felt at the time could have been “the one.” I really fell for this girl, and I honestly believe the feeling was mutual at the time. We dated for awhile, and it was one of the most amazing relationships of my life. But…well…let’s just say it didn’t end very well, and leave it at that. That was about a year ago.

I did try after it ended to be “just friends,” but it didn’t work for me. I don’t think it worked for either of us. There just wasn’t the same spark there. After a month or so, I just kind of lost contact with her.

There were several months that I didn’t hear from her. Then around my Birthday (in February) she tried to contact me. I kind of pushed her away, saying there was a lot going on in my life and I didn’t have time. Then she tried to contact me in June. At that point I was honest with her. I told her that I still had some feeling for her, that I still had some hurt feelings for the way things ended, and that I was in a place in my life where I needed space to deal with some other tough issues (my mother is very ill). I also told her that I am not a person who can be friends with someone I once saw as more than a friend. I was very nice about it, but I really wanted her to know where I was coming from. That was the last I had heard from her until this weekend.

That’s when I got an e-mail from her saying that she got my message back in June, and that she understood. She wasn’t mad, didn’t think I was being emotionally immature, etc. She knows the situation with my mom, and she respects the fact that I don’t need any more emotional roller-coasters right now. That said, she mentioned that she would like to get together sometime, to catch up and just hang out. But she’s left the decision up to me.

I know that, in spite of a lot of things, she is a good person. I know that she does care about my situation with my mom. And I know that her attempts to contact me are “as a friend,” and not an effort to get back together as a couple. But still, even getting an e-mail from her can bring up a lot of mixed feelings for me.

I would really appreciate hearing from the phorum on this. Especially any of the girls/women here who might have been on the other side of a situation like this. Honest thoughts/opinions would be greatly appreciated.

[sweetpea316]

After a relationship it's tough. But it becomes easier after time.

[Brother Adam]

Hmm... it would be awkward I would imagine. Teresa and I had a bad breakup, and we ended up being friends for quite a while. We grew into being best friends and then realized one day that we still liked each other, and having grown to be best friends, went for that old saying "Marry you're best friend". Been two years now, and its been great. Rough, but great.

[Sojourner]

Friendship is never the same after you've dated.

Friendship requires a certain level of intimacy to be worthwhile ... if you've had a deeper level of intimacy with someone you've dated, I don't think it's possible to step it back several notches and still maintain a meaningful relationship without significant awkwardness.

[zabbazooey]

It never works. For me anyways.

I had a very bitter break up with my ex and we never got along quite the same afterward....we tried being friends but either he or I is too hurt to be friends.

[Jazz4jesus]

YES! I should know,
Me and my previous gf had been dating for nearly 2 years, we broke up cause she didnt love me romantically anymore, couldnt give me the love i needed but still cared about me. We broke up and kinda promised to be friends, i stayed over at her house for a little longer (her wish, i think she wanted to make sure i was fine) and we parted. I had doubts we would be friends but we made the effort to be friends and after quite a while of anguish on my side. we slowly became friends for real. I actually had to force her to talk to me about her new bf so she knew i was fine with the state of things. we talked about othere things and now i think we are great friends. We help each other out and can talk for long time and i dont know about her but i absolutly happy about being just friend.

it was hard cause man we really got close. you know those relationships where you think just maybe youll marry them. Yea i wanted to marry her and i believe she wanted to marry me we talked about it and we actually had at least which year. but we wanted to wait for more time so we were sure.

Its possible to be just friends. but it requires the will and effort to be friends. being friends is kinda like dating, it both takes effort, just in different ways. Its hard. really hard, but possible

Thats my speil

i love the privlege of going through that it built charachter

Edited September 21, 2005 by Jazz4jesus

[matt_in_ohio]

Thank you all for your replies! I hope they keep coming.

For what it's worth, I've never been friends with anyone else that I had perviously dated. But then, I never had anyone try so hard to keep in touch after I tried so hard to push them away.

I don't fall often, but when I do, I fall HARD That's always been my problem.

For me, I think it's time I slept on this decision for awhile. I've got a long day tomorrow. I look forward to checking back in soon.

Thanks again everyone

[Dreamweaver]

Yes, you can be friends after going out. It was hard after we broke up, but after a few months, you realize that life does go on. We don't see each other too often, but we both are excited to talk to each other and learn whats going on in our lives and such. You just need to realize that people do change throughout time. Your ex will be a different person from when you were dating them (understandibly, since you have a different relationship).

[track2004]

It's possible for people who used to date to be friends. One of my best friends and I dated for a second 3 or 4 years ago. It took a while to build the friendship back up after we broke up, but the break up was pretty amicable. Out of the three guys I've dated (all in the past tense), I'm friends with two of them and those two relationships had amicable break ups. The other guy is kinda a jerk so I'm not really friends with him...

But YES it is possible to be 'just friends' with a member of the opposite sex and YES it is possible to be friends with an ex.

[jmjtina]

I think you need divine assistance for an answer.

I would definitely pray to St. Therese of Lisiuex or your patron saint to help you out. That's a tough question. The reason it's tough is because being "just friends" can lead to good things but also not so good things.

It's not easy. But praying and asking our saints for intercession when we so desperately need them is one of the beauties of our faith. God has something planned for you and it may or may not be with this girl. Whatever it is, He always plans bigger and better than us anyway and that is comforting to know and trust.

Pray for your future spouse if you are called to the married life. Know that everyday ya'll are apart, ya'll are actually coming closer together, since God is preparing the both of you for each other.

I know that's not much of an answer, but I hope it helps.

May Our Lady intercede for you and all the angels in heaven!

God Bless.

[homeschoolmom]

[quote name='Sojourner' date='Sep 20 2005, 10:49 PM']Friendship is never the same after you've dated. [right][snapback]732305[/snapback][/right]
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Yep.

[Proud2BCatholic139]

Woa, It sounded like I am travelling back in time.

Well, I have been in your exact same position.
Last year, I dated a young male whom I saw potential in marriage. (I didn't date for the sake of dating.)
Like, when I met him, I was skeptical at first, as I just wanted to be his friend.
He started to call me more, and we talked more.
Eventually, after he told me his feelings for me, I was kind of over-whelmed.
(I didn't know what to think!) So, I prayed about it, and eventually, we started to date. I didn't want an serious relationship right away because he was my first boyfriend and I didn't want my heart broken and have a relationship that lasted a week, (That's what happens with most of my friends). Everything was going well...I thought I was dating a great Catholic guy, one who treated me with respect, just a dream come true.
In November 2004, that's when his feelings for me changed...to more as a close girlfriend (Companions) too...more...
He started to rush our level of relationship...
On my birthday he wrote me a poem and he read it to me on the phone.
There was a line that he said,
"You are everything I want and look for, I love you so much."
I froze because I didn't know what to say!!!!!!
(Was it true or was he just trying to be cute.)
At this point we were dating for 3 months and I felt the same way, so I said it back.
Two weeks later, he told me he wanted to marry me. He was planning out our future!!! I didn't know what to say! I just froze again.
I will admit, I did think about it, only because it was an interesting thought.
Eventually, we started to fight. I didn't know what I did wrong! I was just very crushed.
After a rocky road, we got on track...
On a late night in December, we went on a date.
It was one of my favorite times together because I went to his church. We went upstairs when it was dark, lit a candle together and we prayed as one. I cried. It was a magical time.
Later that evening, we both recieved our first kisses.
( I didn't know what to think about it. I was really scared, but I wasn't expecting it at all!)
That's where things started to be bad.
All he thought about was me in an inappropriate way.
A few weeks later, after a concert, I was kind of fed up because he just kept thinking and touching me in an inappropriate way.
So, I thought about breaking up with him, but I guess he was feeling the same way as me, so it was mutual.
But I was still heart broken as I loved him so. He was one of my best friends.
After we broke up, he wanted to be my friend, like close, but not as if we were dating.
That was really hard for me because I still saw him as a boyfriend.
He asked me out for almost every weekend to hang out. I didn't get it! He still told me he loves me and everything, but he didn't want to date me!
(Is this was friends do?)
Then, we started fighting more...He still saw me as if I was just a girlfriend, not a friend.
I eventually found out I was just an object to him and he didn't care about me as a person, just for my body.
I was crushed...
Then, I wanted to be his friend, but he said he can never be alone with me again due to the fact that he didn't want tempation to arise.
I don't understand the male brain!

Now, I want to be friends I really do! But, I guess I'm not a male so I don't know what they are thinking.
But, it does hurt when they don't want to be friends...I want to be his friend...


Sorry to go on a tangent, but I think I am done.

I think being friends is possible, just pray about it and whatever God's Will is, follow.

[Carrie]

It's possible, though not probable.

[Sojourner]

[quote name='Carrie' date='Sep 21 2005, 08:47 AM']It's possible, though not probable.
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That's what I'd say.

As an addendum, I'd say that absent a dating relationship it's more than possible for a man and woman to be "just friends." I've got several guy friends who'd fall into this category, and I really value their input in my life. But, with my guy "just friends" I don't do the same things I do with my girl "just friends." I don't go over to their houses in my pajamas, I don't call them to talk about possible new hairstyles, we don't get together and watch romantic comedies sitting in my big purple chair. It's just not the same.

[Theoketos]

It is possible, but like sainthood really hard.

Works best when the two people involved are celibate. (I say that because of all the awesome examples of Saints who are men and woman but strictly in a non sexual way.)

Further I think that it may be only possible if the friendship is able to progress quickly to the highest leval of friendship were virture (read Christ) is the center.

When that happens the good of the other will be willed consistantly.

It should also be said that, if any relationship is not centered on Christ it will be disordered.

[Theoketos]

[quote name='homeschoolmom' date='Sep 21 2005, 08:06 AM']Yep.
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That depends greatly on whether the relationship was properly ordered or not.

[sweetpea316]

[quote name='Theoketos' date='Sep 21 2005, 09:50 AM']It should also be said that, if any relationship is not centered on Christ it will be disordered.
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That's a big point right there... Definitely.

[Theoketos]

[quote name='sweetpea316' date='Sep 21 2005, 10:10 AM']That's a big point right there...      Definitely.
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Ahhh Shucks.

[sweetpea316]

[quote name='Theoketos' date='Sep 21 2005, 12:15 PM']Ahhh Shucks. 
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No seriously...it's something that I found out the hard way and am definitely making a standard if and when I get into a relationship again.

[franciscanheart]

Definitely. I agree with Theo.