Ways in which I am stupid

[philothea]

(I don't know if this is the right board, but I don't want to post in Open Mic, and I'm sure if I wasn't a convert I wouldn't have got myself into this mess. Or many other messes, for that matter. And this is going to be really embarassing and I shouldn't even post. As usual, I don't have much sense.)

As I've commented on here and there, where I live right now (most of the time anyway) is functionally in the middle of Catholic-nowhere. I don't want to go into too much detail, but nowadays I'm lucky if I can get to mass every Sunday. I never get to go to confession. There is not even a remote chance that I could speak with a priest about anything. The one not-especially-nearby church is always closed.

I'm very unhappy about this situation. The only way to fix it (excepting a miracle, which thus far hasn't happened) is to move elsewhere. I have been trying to figure this out for years now. My present house was meant only to be temporary, but one medical problem and three relatives who didn't pay back loans in a timely fashion later I am stuck.

But that's not really the problem. The problem is how I am (not) dealing with it. I avoid any serious prayer. If I pray, after a short while I am afflicted by this unbearable longing which only eases up when I can go to a church. And since I can't go to a church very often, I wind up in constant torment. So, except for little, trivial things, I stop praying. Bad me.

I don't know what to do.

[theculturewarrior]

I'm praying for you!

Would you like suggestions? I'm the world's worst at giving unsolicited advice.

[Brother Adam]

I'm so sorry your in this situation, I too wish I knew what advice to offer, I wouldn't doubt though that God is calling you to a deeper spirituality.

[Sojourner]

When you say you experience an unbearable longing when you pray, what are you longing for? Is it confession? The Eucharist? Fellowship? All of the above? None of the above?

[philothea]

[quote name='theculturewarrior' date='Nov 7 2005, 05:50 PM']I'm praying for you!

Would you like suggestions? I'm the world's worst at giving unsolicited advice.
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Thanks. I always like advice.

[philothea]

[quote name='Sojourner' date='Nov 7 2005, 06:06 PM']When you say you experience an unbearable longing when you pray, what are you longing for? Is it confession? The Eucharist? Fellowship? All of the above? None of the above?
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It's hard to explain. It's not really an emotion, though that's the closest I can get to it. It's almost a physical tugging pain, but it's not that either. It's like something undefinable in me is constantly being pulled on.

It doesn't happen specifically while I'm praying, it happens after I am consistent with my prayers for a while. I know "a while" is kind of vague, but the time it takes varies.

When I am at church the longing goes away. I don't feel happy or satisified or anything, it just goes away for a while. (Again, nonspecific.) Nothing in particular seems to have to be happening at the church; I can just go sit there. I could probably go sit on the steps outside, if I was nearby. And, I can't pray in a focused way when I'm [i]in[/i] a church. I'm overwhelmed with distractions while there, but it's easier than not being there!

Now that I explain more I think I must be pretty weird.

[Sojourner]

[quote name='philothea' date='Nov 7 2005, 06:29 PM']It's hard to explain.  It's not really an emotion, though that's the closest I can get to it.  It's almost a physical tugging pain, but it's not that either.  It's like something undefinable in me is constantly being pulled on.

It doesn't happen specifically while I'm praying, it happens after I am consistent with my prayers for a while.  I know "a while" is kind of vague, but the time it takes varies.

When I am at church the longing goes away.  I don't feel happy or satisified or anything, it just goes away for a while. (Again, nonspecific.) Nothing in particular seems to have to be happening at the church; I can just go sit there.  I could probably go sit on the steps outside, if I was nearby.  And, I can't pray in a focused way when I'm [i]in[/i] a church.  I'm overwhelmed with distractions while there, but it's easier than not being there!

Now that I explain more I think I must be pretty weird. 
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No, I don't think you're weird, but I think it would help you if you could understand the root of the longing you're experiencing. Is it a longing to be in Jesus' presence, do you think?

[photosynthesis]

I don't know if this is what you're going through... but I hate the feeling of uncertainty when you don't know whether you'll be able to make it to Sunday Mass... My family is non-practicing and heterodox, so it is not a priority for them to get to Mass... sometimes when we travel on the weekends, even though I make it known to them that it's a high priority for me, they still make it difficult. Sometimes when your friends/family aren't Catholic, and you feel like you're the only Catholics on the planet it's comforting to know that the Saints have been there, and the angels are with you.

Did you know that you can adore the Holy Eucharist from a distance? It can be helpful in prayer to pray in the direction of the nearest tabernacle. Even though you're not within sight of the Holy Eucharist, He is still present there, and in all the tabernacles in the world. It doesn't matter how far away the Blessed Sacrament is, He is still present, and you can adore Him.

[jezic]

sounds like God is working on you.

Well i think first of all, rededicate yourself to prayer, even when it is difficult. I know that it can be hard, but work at it. Ask God to give you the desire to seek him. Ask for the grace to pray. Ask God to build a church. I know it sounds sort of strange, but hey he might do it.

Find some protestants to pray with (if you really need it.) They are still our brothers and sisters in Christ (though they lack the fullness of that life).

You can email priests and that can help a little bit.

[philothea]

[quote name='Sojourner' date='Nov 7 2005, 06:32 PM']No, I don't think you're weird, but I think it would help you if you could understand the root of the longing you're experiencing. Is it a longing to be in Jesus' presence, do you think?
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That would be the logical conclusion, considering the cause and the cure.

There aren't any particular thoughts or concepts involved, though. At times it gets so distracting I can hardly pay attention to anything.

[philothea]

[quote name='photosynthesis' date='Nov 7 2005, 06:33 PM']I don't know if this is what you're going through...  but I hate the feeling of uncertainty when you don't know whether you'll be able to make it to Sunday Mass...  My family is non-practicing and heterodox, so it is not a priority for them to get to Mass...  sometimes when we travel on the weekends, even though I make it known to them that it's a high priority for me, they still make it difficult.  Sometimes when your friends/family aren't Catholic, and you feel like you're the only Catholics on the planet it's comforting to know that the Saints have been there, and the angels are with you.

Did you know that you can adore the Holy Eucharist from a distance?  It can be helpful in prayer to pray in the direction of the nearest tabernacle.  Even though you're not within sight of the Holy Eucharist, He is still present there, and in all the tabernacles in the world.  It doesn't matter how far away the Blessed Sacrament is, He is still present, and you can adore Him.
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Thanks...

I hate that feeling of uncertainty, too. I'm never sure quite how much of an annoyance I should be in insisting on going to mass. It is no fun being the nag. That isn't exactly the problem I was talking about, though that is a problem too!

I do keep in mind the nearest tabernacle (about two miles away), but if anything that makes it worse.

[photosynthesis]

how so?

[philothea]

[quote name='jezic' date='Nov 7 2005, 10:34 PM']sounds like God is working on you.
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I suppose hiding isn't going to work?

[quote name='jezic' date='Nov 7 2005, 10:34 PM']Well i think first of all, rededicate yourself to prayer, even when it is difficult. I know that it can be hard, but work at it. Ask God to give you the desire to seek him. Ask for the grace to pray. Ask God to build a church. I know it sounds sort of strange, but hey he might do it.

Find some protestants to pray with (if you really need it.) They are still our brothers and sisters in Christ (though they lack the fullness of that life).

You can email priests and that can help a little bit.
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I do imagine that "not praying" is unlikely to be the correct choice. I don't have any trouble praying (er, well, nevermind... that's a different subject!). It's the strange side effect that's getting me. I start to get my rosary out, or think about praying, and I inwardly wince and decide to do something else. I'm afraid if I start I'll be stuck all day (or longer) with this distracted-longing-miserable feeling. I'm not describing it right, either, but that's the best I can do.

I keep asking God to bulid a church... or at least change our pastor so the nearby church is open on occasion! No luck yet.

Email a priest???? Meep. I don't think so.

Sounds nifty, though.

Thanks.

[philothea]

[quote name='photosynthesis' date='Nov 8 2005, 02:00 AM']how so?
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If I think about... err... well, say the tabernacle.... the longing gets more overpowering, to the point where I'll wind up just staring off in space, unable to do anything and feeling... I don't know... heartbroken.

(This is embarassing. )

[photosynthesis]

[quote name='philothea' date='Nov 8 2005, 02:12 AM']If I think about... err... well, say the tabernacle.... the longing gets more overpowering, to the point where I'll wind up just staring off in space, unable to do anything and feeling... I don't know...  heartbroken.

(This is embarassing.  )
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it's OK.... you don't have to apologize for how you feel. when you feel heartbroken, cry out to God, and He will hear you. Jesus has been there... He's felt isolated from His father, and alone. He will understand.

[jezic]

no hiding from God wont work.

You almost sound like you might have found a spiritual desert (though i would not be the one to ask about that. That is for spiritual direction.)

During those times it can seem extremely difficult and counter productive to pray. THe important part is to do it. Pull out your rosary and pray it. You might have to bear that feeling for a day or a while, but is being united with Jesus not worth it?

[Sojourner]

[quote name='philothea' date='Nov 8 2005, 02:12 AM']If I think about... err... well, say the tabernacle.... the longing gets more overpowering, to the point where I'll wind up just staring off in space, unable to do anything and feeling... I don't know...  heartbroken.

(This is embarassing.  )
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How long has this been going on?

[philothea]

[quote name='Sojourner' date='Nov 8 2005, 12:12 PM']How long has this been going on?
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A few years. Off and on.

[Sojourner]

[quote name='philothea' date='Nov 8 2005, 12:22 PM']A few years.  Off and on.
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Other than prayer, is there anything else that precipitates these feelings? Major life events, stress, etc ...

[philothea]

[quote name='Sojourner' date='Nov 8 2005, 12:49 PM']Other than prayer, is there anything else that precipitates these feelings? Major life events, stress, etc ...
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Hmm. No, nothing like that. If anything, major events or stresses interfere with regular prayer, and then it eases up.

The only thing, beyond prayer, that makes it generally worse is large blocks of unoccupied time. Long car rides are probably the worst.