I hate the holidays.

[photosynthesis]

I don't want to sound like a Grinch or anything, but the holidays are coming and I'm NOT looking forward to it.

Thanksgiving used to remind me of cooking pierogi, and relaxing at home. Then Peter died on Thanksgiving break and now I associate Thanksgiving with losing him. Instead of feeling a sense of togetherness I feel really alone because he's gone. I loved him so much!!! His love for me was pure and holy, and I can't stop thinking about what might have happened if he were still alive. Before he died, we used to dream about this... we'd talk about where we'd live, where our kids would go to school, what names they would have, which parish we would go to. We had the wedding all planned out, too. I felt so safe with him! I worry that I won't ever love again. No man could ever replace him.

We prayed so hard that God would heal him. After he became Catholic he would pray the Rosary every day and ask Our Lady to intercede for him. God didn't heal him, God took him away. He died at 21 at home praying the Rosary.

All the leaves are falling and when I go outside I can smell decaying leaves. Everywhere I go, I see and smell death. I can't stop thinking about it. Everything I love dies.

After he died, people sent me cards and stuff, and now the same people are asking me what the big deal is. "it's been a year, aren't you over it?" "everyone dies, it's not that important." "you'll meet someone else." "Just be thankful for what you have." Back when people were sending me cards and trying to understand, I was numb and i didn't feel anything. Now, I feel things, i feel completely alone, AND as an added bonus I get to pretend I'm fine in front of my family and friends.

holidays are dumb. I dread Thanksgiving and I dread Christmas. I wish my life had a fast-forward button so I could just skip this and ...well, i think I'd just be pressing it forever.

Edited November 22, 2005 by photosynthesis

[PadrePioOfPietrelcino]

I hope things turn around for you, I'll keep you im my prayers. I think I can understand what you mean.

Ben

[Guest T-Bone]

((((HUGS))))

[photosynthesis]

thanks..

[jezic]

i hope that we all learn to understand that just because time has passed doesn't make death any easier. I wish people didn't think that way sometimes.

God didn't "take him away" he called him home. Thank him for it. What a great blessing, now he is just waiting for you. And besides he is with Him. that should make you happy enough

(at least from the way you talk about him, it sounds like it is the truth.)

[cmotherofpirl]

Grief doesn't go away on schedule in chronological time, it has an emotional lifespan of it own. You will be better when you are better.
Sit down, cry your heart out, take a shower, have a cup of tea, and get thru the rest of the day. Repeat as necessary.

Remember, our loved ones would not want us in pain, but to cherish our life as long as God grants to us. Rather, pray for them whereever they are. If we are good, we will see them in the end.

[photosynthesis]

[quote name='jezic' date='Nov 22 2005, 09:56 AM']i hope that we all learn to understand that just because time has passed doesn't make death any easier. I wish people didn't think that way sometimes.

God didn't "take him away" he called him home. Thank him for it. What a great blessing, now he is just waiting for you. And besides he is with Him. that should make you happy enough

(at least from the way you talk about him, it sounds like it is the truth.)
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i often feel like i'm being selfish because i want him back. He went through so much pain and suffering on earth, and if he is in heaven, he has been freed from that suffering... it is selfish to want him back here where he would have to suffer, just so that i could be with him.

but I would give everything I own just to have him for one more day.

[quote name='cmotherofpirl' date='Nov 22 2005, 10:13 AM']Grief doesn't go away on schedule in chronological time, it has an emotional lifespan of it own. You will be better when you are better.
Sit down, cry your heart out, take a shower, have a cup of tea, and get thru the rest of the day. Repeat as necessary.
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I wish I could do stuff like that at home... i mean, obviously I can drink tea and shower but I'm with my mom+grandma and I can't be depressed here. Depression is a sign of personal weakness. I have to be strong. It's OK for other people to have feelings, but I can't have feelings because when I have feelings, they are a sign of disease and they are always pathological. They don't even know how much he meant to me... to them, he was just some friend from high school that I kept in touch with.

[photosynthesis]

and no one ever knows what to say to what I say.

[tojo]

[quote name='photosynthesis' date='Nov 22 2005, 01:28 PM']They don't even know how much he meant to me...  to them, he was just some friend from high school that I kept in touch with.
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Didn't they know you planned to marry him?

[avemaria40]

The cruel thing about grief is that it takes time to feel it. I know when my uncle died, it took me awhile to feel it, and when i finally did, one of my best friends was moving away from a few minutes from my house to a thousand miles from here and the whole thing just stressed me out. My parents did not understand [i]at all[/i] and accused me of being dramatic. I know it's probably not the same thing as losing the one you want to spend your life with but i know what it's like to have your pain minimalized, (because I'm naturally dramatic and when something really hurts, people only think it's my personality), it smells of elderberries. Like Cmom said, grief is not schedueled and if anyone tells you otherwise, don't listen to them, because they don't really understand even if they say they do. I'll be praying for you and I hope you have a good time this week.

[Birgitta Noel]

It's not selfish to want him back, it's natural. Woud I rather have my Dad here now than dead? Yes. Would I want him to suffer as he did? No. That doesn't change the fact that I want him back.

Hang in there. As others have said this takes time. I'm sure you've seen me mention my Dad/Grandpa etc on here. My Grandpa died the day before Thanksgiving last year, my Dad 12 days later and then I had a miscarriage in January. It sucked, it stil smells of elderberries. Everytime I think I'm doing ok something will remind me of my Dad and I'm a mess.

It's hard to be thankful sometimes for what's left. Sometimes what we're left with smells of elderberries simply because it's not bad, but that person is still gone.

I am thankful for what I did have and for the goodtimes that we had. I am who I am today because of my father. You are who you are because of Peter. There is nothing you can do to bring him back. You can be sad/angry that he's gone, and happy that he's Home all at the same time. I know, I've been there. There is no timeline for all of this. You will be thankful one day, you will be able to smile when you think of him. It may come and go. It may be mixed with sadnes and anger.

Don't let anyone tell you you should be over it. Healing takes time. Grief is not a lateral process. It ebbs and flows.

Take some time Thurs. for prayer, and take some time to remember. One day it will be easier, but that day may not be today, or tomorrow for that matter. Holidays are hard, but sometimes the normal days are too.

[Azriel]

[quote name='photosynthesis' date='Nov 22 2005, 01:54 PM']and no one ever knows what to say to what I say.
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That's because know one feels exactly like you, or is in your situation. We can empathize all day long, but in the end, you are the only one that feels like you do.

But, we have similar feelings. Similar experiences to share. There are times when you won't want to hear them, and times when you will. Take what you can from us. Know that we have all felt grief, and all will feel grief eventually. Your loss is not our loss, but through our own losses, we can all help each other.

Prayers.

[photosynthesis]

[quote name='tomasio127' date='Nov 22 2005, 01:58 PM']Didn't they know you planned to marry him?
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well, it's kind of a complex situation. he only confessed to me that he'd always been in love with me after he decided to become Catholic. That was only a few months before he died. It was a different situation than most dating relationships because he was dying. My mom never knew. His parents found out after he died because they read his journal.

[quote name='avemaria40' date='Nov 22 2005, 02:09 PM']The cruel thing about grief is that it takes time to feel it.  I know when my uncle died, it took me awhile to feel it, and when i finally did, one of my best friends was moving away from a few minutes from my house to a thousand miles from here and the whole thing just stressed me out.
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yeah... moving does complicate things too! not only did I lose Peter, but I feel like I am just about to lose a LOT more people. I am about to graduate from school, and all of my friendships are going to change. I want to stay in Baltimore because I want to be with my friends, but I don't know if that's going to happen. I also want to get a cool journalism job in new york city. i am scared of losing my friends, my parish, and my priest, who is one of the only people i can really talk to.

[photosynthesis]

[quote name='Birgitta Noel' date='Nov 22 2005, 02:14 PM']It's hard to be thankful sometimes for what's left.  Sometimes what we're left with smells of elderberries simply because it's not bad, but that person is still gone. 
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htis is EXACTLY what i'm going through. thanks you... I am really trying to be thankful for what's left. I feel like i don't have anything to live for, anymore. I know we're supposed to live for God, but sometimes i wonder if there's any method to the madness. I should live for God,butI can't see his plan for my future so right now it seems like there is no future.

[quote name='Azriel' date='Nov 22 2005, 02:16 PM']That's because know one feels exactly like you, or is in your situation.  We can empathize all day long, but in the end, you are the only one that feels like you do.

But, we have similar feelings.  Similar experiences to share.  There are times when you won't want to hear them, and times when you will.  Take what you can from us.  Know that we have all felt grief, and all will feel grief eventually.  Your loss is not our loss, but through our own losses, we can all help each other.

Prayers.
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i wasn't saying that about phatmass in particular... I was actually in a bereavement support group at my college, and even those people looked at me like I had 5 heads. They all lost parents, i lost my true love. None of them even seemed to understand the desire to get married and have a family... everyone in the group was either lesbian or asexual. well, that's my college for you.

most people I talk to just don't care. it's not really sympathy, it's not empathy, it's just apathy.

[sweetpea316]

Wow... I just now read this thread... I'm so sorry for your loss hun.

I wish there is something I could do to help, and if there is, just let me know.

I sort of understand how you feel about this time of year, and I think I'll know even more next year. My grandfather and I had the same Birthday, and it was always a special thing for us. He passed away last month, so I can imagine that my birthdays to come will be very tough without him.

I'll be praying for you. God bless

[cmotherofpirl]

[quote name='photosynthesis' date='Nov 22 2005, 02:28 PM']but I would give everything I own just to have him for one more day.
I wish I could do stuff like that at home...  i mean, obviously I can drink tea and shower but I'm with my mom+grandma and I can't be depressed here.  Depression is a sign of personal weakness.  I have to be strong.  It's OK for other people to have feelings, but I can't have feelings because when I have feelings, they are a sign of disease and they are always pathological.  They don't even know how much he meant to me...  to them, he was just some friend from high school that I kept in touch with.
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[color=blue]Dearie, depression is NOT A SIGN OF PERSONAL WEAKNESS. It is a sign of being in pain. Surely your mom and grandmom had faced pain in their lifetime. Having feelings is normal, and are not signs of disease they are signs of being human.
Everyone has feelings. Hiding them just makes them much harder to deal with.
This guy was important to you and its ok for them to know it. You should and do not have to suffer in silence. [/color]

[photosynthesis]

[quote name='sweetpea316' date='Nov 22 2005, 03:57 PM']Wow... I just now read this thread... I'm so sorry for your loss hun.

I wish there is something I could do to help, and if there is, just let me know.

I sort of understand how you feel about this time of year, and I think I'll know even more next year. My grandfather and I had the same Birthday, and it was always a special thing for us. He passed away last month, so I can imagine that my birthdays to come will be very tough without him.

I'll be praying for you. God bless 
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thanks!! I need all the prayers i can get right now.. anniversaries are hard. Pete's family is jewish (orthodox) and they have a lot of interesting customs related to grieving. They are doing some kind of ceremony at his grave, and they light the yahrzeit candle and say the kiddush prayer... i am going to their house to participate on the actual anniversary.

[quote name='cmotherofpirl' date='Nov 22 2005, 04:30 PM'][color=blue]Dearie, depression is NOT A SIGN OF PERSONAL WEAKNESS. It is a sign of being in pain. Surely your mom and grandmom had faced pain in their lifetime. Having feelings is normal, and are not signs of disease they are signs of being human.
Everyone has feelings. Hiding them just makes them much harder to deal with.
This guy was important to you and its ok for them to know it. You should and do not have to suffer in silence. [/color]
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my family thinks that therapy and medicine are all anyone needs to be emotionally healthy. that's the way i was raised. but no amount of therapy or medicine can bring Peter back. I wish it could...

I really wish i could tell them how I felt, but I think I already know what they would say.

[jezic]

if you think you missed out on something tell him about it now.

Death is just a change, not an end, but a step through a doorway that we here cannot see beyond.

[Ash Wednesday]

photosynthesis, it's been about 2 years since my mom passed away and I still feel pain, and sometimes I still feel very angry, and sometimes I feel like I was robbed. Each year it does get a little easier, and I know that people often say "the first year is the hardest" but really I think the first couple of years are especially hard, if you ask me. Late October and early November are hard times of the year for me because that is when I lost both my grandmother and my mother.

As most of you know I'm living abroad this year and won't be around any family for Thanksgiving. I feel vaguely depressed about it. So you're not alone. This week I've been thinking that three years ago my mom was alive, imagining what she would be doing now -- making rolls and pies the day before Thanksgiving, having this all planned out.

The Americans in my class are having a get-together. I'm going to cook stuffed cornish game hens and some others are going to bring salad, dessert, wine. Well, it will be all Americans but possibly my friends English husband -- and we're going to be at the apartment of an Icelandic girl. I guess when I think about it, there are people with families that are so dysfunctional or they live so far away that they often have to "make do" with friends or their church. So I guess even though I don't have my family with me this year, I do know they are there and God has blessed me with them, and blessed me with friends here in London to be with in the meantime. So I guess that is my way of trying to make the best of it.

It sounds to me like you still need time to grieve and that is perfectly fine. As cmom said, depression isn't a sign of weakness. It is true that therapy and medication can't solve problems or take loved ones back, but if we choose to use them, it can help us deal with them a little better -- at least in my case -- I did see a counselor after she died. I can relate to wanting to press fast forward to the end -- I know for a while I asked God that if it was his will, to take me as well. But I guess I've got stuff to do first: the rest of life on earth.

I guess in the end, there is a plan in all this that God is overseeing, even when we lose loved ones when it seems like it wasn't their time to go. I know that talk of God having a plan can sound pretty repetitive and cliché -- but I guess I find it more comforting to try to understand life as not being a series of random, pointless events.

[photosynthesis]

[quote name='jezic' date='Nov 22 2005, 10:18 PM']if you think you missed out on something tell him about it now.

Death is just a change, not an end, but a step through a doorway that we here cannot see beyond.
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I like that idea!