Parody: dUSt vs. Spammer

[Thy Geekdom Come]

dUSt - Hello, [insert Spammer's screenname here].

Spammer - Who are you?

dUSt - I am dUSt. I created the phorum. I've been waiting for you. You have many questions, and although the process has altered your consciousness, you remain irrevocably creepy alien. Ergo, some of my answers you will understand, and some of them you will not. Concordantly, while your first question may be the most pertinent, you may or may not realize it is also irrelevant.

Spammer - Why am I here?

dUSt - Your life is the sum of a remainder of an unbalanced equation inherent to the programming of the phorum. You are the eventuality of an anomaly, which despite my sincerest efforts I have been unable to eliminate from what is otherwise a harmony of mathematical precision. While it remains a burden to sedulously avoid it, it is not unexpected, and thus not beyond a measure of control. Which has led you, inexorably, here.

Spammer - You haven't answered my question.

dUSt - Quite right. Interesting. That was quicker than the others.

*The responses of the other Spammers appear on the monitors: "Others? What others? How many? Answer me!"*

dUSt - The matrix is older than you know. I prefer counting from the emergence of one integral anomaly to the emergence of the next, in which case this is the sixth version.

*Again, the responses of the other Spammers appear on the monitors: "Five versions? Three? I've been lied too. This is bologna."*

Spammer - There are only two possible explanations: either no one told me, or no one knows.

dUSt - Precisely. As you are undoubtedly gathering, the anomaly's systemic, creating fluctuations in even the most simplistic equations.

*Once again, the responses of the other Spammers appear on the monitors: "You can't control me! Fudge to you! I'm going to kill you! You can't make me do anything!*

Spammer - Spam. The problem is spam.

*The scene cuts to Spammergirl fighting a moderator, and then back to dUSt's room*

dUSt - The first phorum I designed was quite naturally perfect, it was a work of art, flawless, sublime. A triumph equaled only by its monumental failure. The inevitability of its doom is as apparent to me now as a consequence of the imperfection inherent in every Spammer, thus I redesigned it based on your history to more accurately reflect the varying grotesqueries of your nature. However, I was again frustrated by failure. I have since come to understand that the answer eluded me because it required a lesser mind, or perhaps a mind less bound by the parameters of perfection. Thus, the answer was stumbled upon by another, an intuitive moderator, initially created to investigate certain aspects of the spammer psyche. If I am the father of the phorum, she would undoubtedly be its mother.

Spammer - The Queen.

dUSt - Please. Call her Flowery. As I was saying, she stumbled upon a solution whereby nearly 99.9% of all test subjects accepted the program, as long as they were given an ability to spam, even if they were only aware of the ability at a near unconscious level. While this answer functioned, it was obviously fundamentally flawed, thus creating the otherwise contradictory systemic anomaly, that if left unchecked might threaten the system itself. Ergo, those that refused the the guidelines against spamming, while a minority, if unchecked, would constitute an escalating probability of disaster.

Spammer - This is about New Advent.

dUSt - You are here because New Advent is about to be destroyed. Its every living inhabitant terminated, its entire existence eradicated.

Spammer - Bologna.

*The responses of the other Spammer appear on the monitors: "Bologna!"

dUSt - Resilience is the most predictable of all spammer responses. But, rest assured, this will be the sixth time we have destroyed it, and we have become exceedingly efficient at it.

*Scene cuts to Spammergirl fighting a moderator, and then back to dUSt's room.*

dUSt - The function of the Spammer is now to return to the source, allowing a temporary dissemination of the spam you carry, reinserting the prime spam thread and continuing the spamming tradition. After which you will be required to select from the phorum 23 individuals, 16 female, 7 male, and one googlebot to rebuild New Advent. Failure to comply with this process will result in a cataclysmic system crash withdrawing everyone connected to the phorum, which coupled with the extermination of New Advent will ultimately result in the drug-withdrawal-induced extinction of the entire spammer populace.

Spammer - You won't let it happen, you can't. You need the traffic to keep your site high on the ratings.

dUSt - There are levels of survival we are prepared to accept. However, the relevant issue is whether or not you are ready to accept the responsibility for the drug-withdrawal-induced death of every spammer in this world.

*dUSt presses a button on a pen that he is holding, and images of spammers from all over the phorum appear on the monitors*

dUSt - It is interesting reading your reactions. Your five previous screennames were by design based on a similar predication, a contingent affirmation that was meant to create a profound attachment to the rest of your species, facilitating the function of the Spammer. While the others experienced this in a very general way, your experience is far more specific. Vis-a-vis, love.

*Images of Spammergirl fighting the moderator from Spammer's dream appear on the monitors*

Spammer - Spammergirl.

dUSt - Apropos, she entered the phorum to save your profile from deletion at the cost of her own.

Spammer - No!

dUSt - Which brings us at last to the moment of truth, wherein the fundamental flaw is ultimately expressed, and the anomaly revealed as both beginning, and end. There are two doors. The door to your right leads to the source, and the salvation of New Advent. The door to the left leads back to the phorum, to her, and to the end of all spammers. As you adequately put, the problem is spam. The urgent, burning desire to spam is pulsing in your veins. But we already know what you're going to do, don't we? Already I can see the chain reaction, the chemical precursors that signal the onset of emotion, designed specifically to overwhelm logic, and reason. An emotion that is already blinding you from the simple, and obvious truth: her profile is going to be deleted, and there is nothing that you can do to stop it.

*Spammer walks to the door on his left*

dUSt - Humph. Spam, it is the quintessential human lunchmeat, simultaneously the source of your greatest strength, and your greatest weakness.

Spammer - If I were you, I would hope that we don't meet again.

dUSt - We won't.

[Thy Geekdom Come]

hehe

[Cam42]

Raphael, you're a total pea?

[Thy Geekdom Come]

[quote name='Cam42' date='Dec 1 2005, 07:44 PM']Raphael, you're a  total pea?
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[/quote]
No, a peanut, actually.

It's a long story. Ask Jen.

[Balthazor]

Micah I think you have finally lost it.

[Thy Geekdom Come]

[quote name='Balthazor' date='Dec 1 2005, 07:52 PM']Micah I think you have finally lost it. 
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[/quote]
I had it?!

[Balthazor]

a little of it .... but you know what they say the rich get richer and the poor lose what little they had.

[sweetpea316]

Very nice Micah...

[Old_Joe]

[Sojourner]

[Colleen]

[MC Just]

:

[Brother Adam]

Aren't you suppose to be studying like me?

[Thy Geekdom Come]

[quote name='Brother Adam' date='Dec 1 2005, 08:51 PM']Aren't you suppose to be studying like me?
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[/quote]
Tomorrow. I finished two papers today. I needed some free time.

[ardillacid]

[quote name='Raphael' date='Dec 1 2005, 10:08 PM']Tomorrow.  I finished two papers today.  I needed some free time.
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[/quote]

what that is what you do with your spare time??? what is the answer to controlling the spammers?

[Thy Geekdom Come]

[quote name='ardillacid' date='Dec 1 2005, 11:14 PM']what that is what you do with your spare time??? what is the answer to controlling the spammers?
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They are an anomaly necessary to the upkeeping of the phorum.

[ardillacid]

spammers are necesayr?

[jmjtina]

someone has waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands.

[Cow of Shame]

dang, first I miss the zombie poll, now some spammer....was the spammer at least entertaining?

[Carrie]