Really complicated situation

[Rhianna]

I still don't know what else to do ...considering all the advice you guys have given me is already being done (except him going to the police) I just don't know. Its weird for me to think of him doing something like that considering I, having been his girlfriend, was often in a position that he could have done the same thing to me :-/ I know he wouldn't...he said he promised he'd kill himself before something like that EVER happened again....but...I don't know I'm just confused :-(

[missionseeker]

Look at the quote on my sugnature. St. Joseph Caffaso was a preist who was often called to the side of men convicted to die. The man he said this to was a murderer and wouldn't repent. But when Fr. Caffaso talked to him he said, "Do you really think I can go to Heaven?" the quote was his reply (and yes.)

Then he told him to offer up his execution for penance.

Maybe your friend needs to hear that quote.

And follow the advice of St. Josseph Caffaso.

[Mary-Kathryn]

[quote name='Rhianna' date='Dec 11 2005, 03:50 PM']I still don't know what else to do ...considering all the advice you guys have given me is already being done (except him going to the police)  I just don't know.  Its weird for me to think of him doing something like that considering I, having been his girlfriend, was often in a position that he could have done the same thing to me :-/  I know he wouldn't...he said he promised he'd kill himself before something like that EVER happened again....but...I don't know I'm just confused :-(
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Rhianna,

I am relieved to know that he is doing what is necessary, and that his family is involved with his care. Please keep in mind that there have been rapists who have been married, had girlfriends, and who have lived seemingly normal lives on the surface.

You feel confused because your instincts are kicking in. You love your friend, but he has an enormous problem. I am asking you to listen to what your gut instinct is saying: Stay away from him. He hasn't hurt you YET, but he has raped at least one girl THAT YOU KNOW OF. This is the bottom line. How many others has he raped? You don't really know and may never know. His promises right now are NOTHING. He is not well, and he probably hasn't dealt full-on with his responsibility as a rapist.

As a mother I would be absolutely horrified if my daughter stayed close to a rapist. I would tell my daughter that she owes a guy like this NOTHING. There is no obligation to put yourself at risk, none at all. For you, please stay away from him. If his family asks, be blunt. Tell them that their son is not well, and has admittedly raped before, so you will distance yourself.

You have a right to be afraid of him. You have a right to be angry. You also have a right to take care of yourself first. There is nothing on this earth that says you have to give a rapist any room in your life. Let his family care for him. You listen to your instincts...stay away from him.

I know I am a big pain to you, but I am scared to death for you. His promises not to hurt you mean nothing. What did he tell that girl? Did he lure her to a private spot with lies and promises? Was he charming at first? Did he use a weapon? Did he hold her down while she screamed? Did he get her so drunk/drugged that she couldn't fight? Did he threaten her or her family if she ever told? Did they get invloved and he wouldn't take "No"? Think of her life and her reality since then. The only version you've heard is HIS.

As a mother, I am begging you to stop contact with him, tell your parents what's going, what he has done, and don't let anyone bully you with the "second chance" carp. Think of yourself!

I pray for you and your safety.

[cmotherofpirl]

[quote name='Rhianna' date='Dec 10 2005, 12:05 AM']Um...he's been to counsellors his parents know he's suicidal he's on medication I'm not sure who else knows about any of this but at least one or two other people.  I told him he has to make amends for it instead of killing himself. Don't worry I'm not trying to save him by myself I'm just trying to be there for him.  And his counsellor/therapist does know about the rape too.  Yeah I dont know about the statute of limitations.  He's 19 now so it was at least 4 years ago.
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Have you talked to your priest?
If he has actually raped someone you cannot safely be alone with him. Rape is a power trip and he is probably feeling rather powerless right now. His parents need to know about the rape, he was a minor and they need to arrange for him to see a lawyer and turn himself in.
That is his only real recourse and yours.
The girl deserves justice.

[Jaime]

[quote name='Rhianna' date='Dec 11 2005, 03:50 PM']I still don't know what else to do ...considering all the advice you guys have given me is already being done (except him going to the police)  I just don't know.  Its weird for me to think of him doing something like that considering I, having been his girlfriend, was often in a position that he could have done the same thing to me :-/  I know he wouldn't...he said he promised he'd kill himself before something like that EVER happened again....but...I don't know I'm just confused :-(
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He is of age now to deal with his own issues. I don't know how old you are but I would strongly suggest that you talk with your parents about this. You need more support than a bunch of (albeit very good) faceless posts on a forum board.

You've dated him. And now you're friends with him. So clearly you care about him. (BTW congrats on being able to be friends with an ex. That doesn't happen often)

But you need to know that there is a difference between caring about someone and caring for someone. And you cannot care for this man. You cannot heal his wounds simply because none of us can heal each others wounds.

Since you are still friends with this man, it would be wise to make some difficult decisions. That's why, (regardless of how old you might be) I would absolutely suggest talking with your parents about this and following their lead. The most important thing right now is not his emotional health, but your own safety. That isn't always easy to figure out when you are so close to the situation.

Please tell your folks what is going on in your head and your heart. Know that the people who are reading this thread are praying for you and for your friend.