PLEASE PRAY

[Ash Wednesday]

Saw the physio today, he seemed pleased with my progress. Please continue to pray for my healing. To be able to heal is most important of all above everything else.

I did contact the company that is interested in me and asked HR if they would be willing to interview me the first week in October/last week in September. I should know by tomorrow if they are going to agree to that.

I sincerely pray that, God willing, it will be possible.

[MRSannie]

Feel free to PM me anytime! I am back to work (PT) and hopefully can give you good advice.

Stay away from the yoga ball for now--back is too unstable yet. Check with your physio--

Mass might be possible if you can stand in the back, move a bit, and only kneel if you are rigid with your back straight.

I ask about lying on your stomach for diagnostic reasons. Some bulging discs respond to back extension--lying on stomach, lying on stomach up on elbows, standing and arching backwards. Some folks have been given flexion (bending forward) exercises, never get better,and one night they roll over, sleep on their stomach and wake up feeling better than ever--here they have been exercisiing in the wrong direction for the pressure on the bulging disc's direction.

I am a big believer in the body's ability to tell you what is wrong. I believe in strengthening both flexion and extension, to brace the spine. Talk to your physio about his or her philosophy on back exercise.


Hang in there and thank you for the prayers for my family. love, MRSannie

[Guest Z the Wise]

I pray you are making a full recovery!

[Lil Red]

keep updating us

[MIKolbe]

my family will pray for you.

JMJ,

Kolbe

[Ash Wednesday]

Well, my visit with the specialist was anything but encouraging. I had to explain to him all over again what I've explained to everyone else. I couldn't believe he didn't even have any record or reference to mention or ask about from the physiotherapist I have been seeing. He said it was good I was improving this early on, and when I mentioned the possibility of going back to the states he said they'd probably make me have surgery (funny he would say that considering I've never had any x-rays or MRIs for him to see, and he's obviously taking information from me for the first time. He asked if he should order an MRI, and it won't come until my visa is almost expired. I agreed but I don't know what good it will do since I have to leave the country. Yay, I made it to the MRI stage on the NHS while I was here...) For now I am moving to Oxford and will transfer to a physiotherapist there. The specialist said that would be like "starting treatment over again" but what can I say, every new physician I've seen here was like starting treatment over anyway.

I can honestly say I have not been at the bottom of the barrel since my mother died, and in some ways this feels worse. All I can say is that I am very depressed, ashamed, and a fool. I took the risk to come over here and reset my life, and one way or another I suppose things will work out, even if it means coming home to the U.S. and having to buy my prescriptions from Canada and going on unemployment until I find a job. And in the meantime, making some money freelancing. (I have a laptop so i am able to work on my back with the computer on my stomach.) But in the mean time, I pray and focus on getting well enough to at least go home and hopefully not have to have surgery. I have one last (sorta) shot at a job here like I said but I risk making my back even worse if I do this before being fully recovered. Maybe they would take me on when I'm fully recovered in late November, or maybe later on in the year after I have moved back to the states. I have until late November, and I seem to be improving but it's hard to say. It's hard to say with anything. Right now, though, I feel like I've made one of the biggest mistakes of my life -- I suppose I will eventually see some long-term benefits from it but it's kinda hard to think about right now.

If I have to go broke to take surgery if/when I go back to the U.S. eventually, if nothing else, well, chances are at least I won't be having to spend money on buying a house or getting married or having kids at the rate I'm going now. The way things are looking I will return home and will spend the next few years focusing on paying off my loans and being in that so-called vocation of being single that, I know, isn't 'legit' like being a wife or a nun in the eyes of the Church. What can I say, I tried. I have been wandering somewhat blindly the last few years in life just doing what seemed right at the time, and I guess I was wrong. I'd like to pray, and ask people to pray for me, but I feel like I am being a nuisance everytime I do so, and I do realize in various ways, shapes and forms God hears your prayers and things could be worse. It's just unfortunate that I'm too blind right now to recognize or appreciate it. Today I barely have the strength to pray let alone offer any of my sufferings. Right now I feel totally washed up and weary. I have always tried to trust that God wouldn't give me more than I can handle -- but it would seem that I am failing that test quite miserably at the moment. I wonder if I had been more optimistic, had greater faith, things would have turned out better. So I don't really know what else to say, except to offer my thanksgiving to the phamily for supporting me. I guess just pray I don't fall into despair. Had it not been for the kindness of friends and family I probably would have given up on God. I guess the last time I was tempted to give up on God, I didn't see the point of doing that. So that's the reason why I'm not going to now. But all I can say is that I am sorry.

Edited September 1, 2006 by Ash Wednesday

[Noel's angel]

You have nothing to be sorry for.

Hang in there. We're all praying for you.