Some Catholic Humor

[Church Punk]

Ok lets hear your jokes....

So Pope Benedict was traveling to WYD on his way to an audiance he tells his limo driver to pull over, becuase he would like to drive. It has been a while since he has driven and who is the driver to deny the pope. So Papa gets in the driver seat and pulls away. He speeds up down the highway, when an officer pulls him over. The officer is dumb founded at who he has pulled over, after all it is the pope, so he radios to his head quarters, "Man you are not going to believe who i just pulled over" He is BIG. His other officers begin to guess, Michael Jordan?, Bono? The officer replies no BIGGER! They all give up and ask who then. He replies, Im not sure who it is but he is so big the pope is his chauffeur!!!!!


.....


What is the largest religious order in the Church?

[Guest T-Bone]

Why did the priest laugh?

















Mass hysteria.

[homeschoolmom]

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears several confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand, how did you feel about that?"

The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No way! What happened next?'"

[Guest T-Bone]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shinobi out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

[homeschoolmom]

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!"

[kujo]

One day, Jesus was delivering a sermon on a hillside. There were many many people there listening to Him. Towards the end of his sermon, Jesus said "Blessed are the meak, for they shall inherity the earth. Blessed are the righteous, for there's is the kingdom of God. But let he without sin cast the first stone." After He said said these words, a rock came rocketting out of the crowd, smashing Him in the face. The crowd gasped, but Jesus just smiled and said, "I wasn't talking about you, Mom."

[CatholicCid]

A Dominican and a Jesuit were both chain smokers. Going through their rigorous prayer day was excruciating as they had to refrain from smoking. So each decided to ask their Superior if he would allow them to smoke when they spent time in prayer. The next day, the two get together and compared results.
Dominican: "I got turned down, I can't spoke."
Jesuit: "My Superior said I could smoke."
Dominican: "What? How'd you get him to say yes?"
Jesuit: "What did you ask him?"
Dominican: "Can I smoke while I pray."
Jesuit: "Well, there's your problem. I asked if I could pray while I smoked!"

[Didymus]

[quote name='kujo' post='1264287' date='May 4 2007, 01:15 PM']One day, Jesus was delivering a sermon on a hillside. There were many many people there listening to Him. Towards the end of his sermon, Jesus said "Blessed are the meak, for they shall inherity the earth. Blessed are the righteous, for there's is the kingdom of God. But let he without sin cast the first stone." After He said said these words, a rock came rocketting out of the crowd, smashing Him in the face. The crowd gasped, but Jesus just smiled and said, "I wasn't talking about you, Mom."[/quote]

[Starets]

A franciscan monastery was suffering financially, so they decided to open a flower shop. It became very successful. So successful in fact that the florists in town started losing business. Frantic, they tried everything but could not succeed against the franciscans. So, they hired Hugh, the town bully. hugh went over to the monastery and beat up all the friars. He then said to shut down the florist shop or he'll be back. the franciscans were so scared that they immediately closed up shop.

And that goes to show you that hugh, and only hugh, can prevent florist friars.

[kujo]

A mother was teaching her 3-year-old the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer.

"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."

[kujo]

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know
she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks.

"Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

[Ash Wednesday]

The elder priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "I know you were reaching out to the young people when you had bucket seats put in to replace the first four pews. It worked. We got the front of the church filled first.

The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And, you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir that packed us to the balcony."

"So," asked the young priest, "what's the problem?"

"Well," said the elder priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But Father," protested the young priest, "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"I know, my son, but the flashing neon sign 'TOOT 'N TELL OR GO TO HELL' has got to go."

[goldbug16]

[quote name='homeschoolmom' post='1264267' date='May 4 2007, 11:54 AM']The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears several confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand, how did you feel about that?"

The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No way! What happened next?'"[/quote]



A man died and came before the pearly white gates. Saint Peter came out to greet him then said,"Well, if you want to get into Heaven you have to pass a test." The man, who dropped out of school at a very young age, became quite nervous. "The first question is easy. What are the days that begin with the letter 't'?" The man thought a moment and said,"That's easy. Today and tomorrow." Peter said,"Well, I guess that will work. Your next question is alot tougher. How many seconds are there in a year?" The man skewed up his face in thought then replied,"Twelve." Saint Peter looked at him funny,"Twelve?" "Yes, said the man,"There is January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...." Saint Peter chuckled saying,"Well I guess you got me! The last question is a real toughy. What is God's name?" The man brightened up right away,"I know that one! God's name is Hallowed!" Saint Peter said,"Hallowed? Where did you get that?" The man smiled big,"I learned that in Sunday school. Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name...."

[Church Punk]

[quote]What is the largest religious order in the Church?[/quote]

The Basillians!

[Bonbon]

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister notices the old drunk and says,


"Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"


The drunk looks back and says,
"Yes, preacher, I sure am."


The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right backup.

"Have you found Jesus?"
the preacher asks.

"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says,

"Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not, reverend."

The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone,

"My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[Church Punk]

Adam is in the garden of Eden when God comes up to him and says "Adam, you look lonley, have i got a deal for you!" Adam says OK God what is it. God Replys Adam I am goingn to make you a woman she will be your wife and she will be great, she will do all of your cooking and cleaning, she will sew and take care of all your needs. Adam said, WOW God that sounds wonderful! What would that cost me to have a woman like that? God said, well Adam it will cost an arm and a leg, can you afford it? Adam looking back to God says well, what can I get for a rib?

[Church Punk]

[quote name='Cardinals Flower' post='1264479' date='May 4 2007, 05:45 PM']A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister notices the old drunk and says,
"Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says,
"Yes, preacher, I sure am."
The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right backup.

"Have you found Jesus?"
the preacher asks.

"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says,

"Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not, reverend."

The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone,

"My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"[/quote]

Yes i love this one!

[Mateo el Feo]

One of my favorites:

A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Franciscan were miraculously transported back in time to the Nativity of Our Lord. The Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him.

The Franciscan fell on his face, overcome with awe at the sight of God born in such poverty.

The Dominican fell to his knees, adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy Family.

The Jesuit walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his shoulder, and said, "So, have you given any thought about where to send the boy to school?"

[cappie]

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"



A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.

'Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you can be Jesus!"

[cappie]

One Sunday a priest was finishing up a series on marriage. At the end of the service he was giving out small wooden crosses to each married couple. He said, "Place this cross in the room in which you fight the most and you will be reminded of Jesus’ new commandment and you won’t argue as much." One woman came up after the service and said, "You’d better give me five."

Bill O’Donovan, an SIM missionary to the Kagoro Bible College in Nigeria told his adult students that he had discovered a special medicine that would drastically reduce fights between husbands and wives. All of the students eagerly looked forward to the day when the missionary would bring the medicine to class so each of them could stop having fights with their wives. After 14 weeks Bill O’Donovan came to class and said, "Today I will reveal the medicine that is a preventative measure against fighting between husbands and wives." Then he drew a picture of a big bottle on the blackboard and wrote, "I Cor. 13:4-7.”