Some Catholic Humor

[Old_Joe]

So my friend and I decided to take a trip to Rome. Well, my friend is huge BBQ enthusiast and wanted to bring his portable grill along. I don't know how he got past airport security. Anyway, the day after we arrived we decided to visit the Vatican. Since it was such a nice day we got to visit the Vatican Gardens. Well, my friend decided that would be the place he would set up his grille. "It'll make for a great story to tell back home," he said reassuringly. I reluctantly stuck around with in the gardens for awhile until nobody was around. Well, it was too long that we could see the Pope making his way to where we were on one of his Rosary walks. I really start freaking out thinking about being kicked of out the Vatican, Italy, and being excommunicated, not to mention those halberd the Swiss guards have with them. Well, I dove into some nearby bushes where I could watch my friend without being seen. Well, the Pope walks up to my friend, mumbles something making the sign of the cross at the same time and continues on his way. After he leaves, I come out from the bushes go up to my friend, and ask frantically, "Did he just give you a Papal blessing?"

My friend looks at me puzzled and says, "No that wasn't a Papal blessing."

"Well, then what was it?"

"He came up to me and said, 'I want you, your grill, and your friend in the bushes to get of my gardens!"

[Old_Joe]

There was this religious community of sisters who lived on the top floor of an old, 3 story convent. The building was so old it didn't have any working fire escapes and the sisters didn't have enough money to buy new ones. Well, one night a fire breaks out on the ground floor, trapping the sisters in their quarters. The Mother Superior, realizing there was no way out, has everyone take some of their old vestments and tie them together in a make shift rope. Using the rope, every single one of the sisters climb out of the building to the ground below. By this time, the fire brigade shows up and they start helping the sisters get down from the building. One of the firemen goes up to the Mother Superior and says, "When I saw how you were getting out of the building, I was afraid that the rope would catch fire and break." The Mother Superior replies, "Well, old habits are hard to break."

[cappie]

The 1st Communion children had all been photographed with pastor sitting in their center. The pastor was trying to persuade the children to buy a copy of the group photo.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael; he's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's our pastor; he's dead."

[homeschoolmom]

[quote name='cappie' post='1265772' date='May 6 2007, 03:01 AM']The 1st Communion children had all been photographed with pastor sitting in their center. The pastor was trying to persuade the children to buy a copy of the group photo.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael; he's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's our pastor; he's dead." [/quote]

[Seven77]

A Franciscan and Jesuit were debating which of their orders was the greatest. Soon, they decided to ask for a sign from God. Falling from the sky a slip of paper lands on the ground. It read:

My sons,

Please stop bickering about such trivial matters,

GOD, O.P.

[Seven77]

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

[Starets]

There was once a priest who loved playing golf. he announced one sunday before Lent that he was going to give up golf for lent. He made through 3 weeks without playing but one morning he snuck out for a quick game. the archangel Michael flew up to God and reported his scandalous behavior. God said "I have something in store for him. just you watch!"

so on the first hole he drives the ball 150 yards. Its then picked up by a rabbit that carried it another few yards. The rabbit was picked up by a bird that flew with it for a few hundred yards. the rabbit then dropps the ball and it rolls into a hole 600 yards away. The archangel said "WHAT KIND OF PUNISHMENT IS THAT??"

"Simple," said God. "He landed a 600 yard hole in one and he can't tell anyone about it!"

[Sojourner]

[quote name='Staretz' post='1267048' date='May 7 2007, 02:53 PM']There was once a priest who loved playing golf. he announced one sunday before Lent that he was going to give up golf for lent. He made through 3 weeks without playing but one morning he snuck out for a quick game. the archangel Michael flew up to God and reported his scandalous behavior. God said "I have something in store for him. just you watch!"

so on the first hole he drives the ball 150 yards. Its then picked up by a rabbit that carried it another few yards. The rabbit was picked up by a bird that flew with it for a few hundred yards. the rabbit then dropps the ball and it rolls into a hole 600 yards away. The archangel said "WHAT KIND OF PUNISHMENT IS THAT??"

"Simple," said God. "He landed a 600 yard hole in one and he can't tell anyone about it!"
[/quote]

[cappie]

AS SEEN ON CHURCH BULLETIN BOARDS:

"People are like tea bags--you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are." *** "Dusty Bibles lead to dirty lives." *** "God so loved the world that He did NOT send a committee." *** "How will you spend eternity? Smoking or Non-smoking?" *** "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low, but the retirement benefits are out of this world!" *** "Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church." *** "Forbidden fruit creates many jams."

[goldbug16]

[quote name='Seven77' post='1267004' date='May 7 2007, 02:11 PM']The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.[/quote]

Awwww. Thats cute.

[prose]

[quote name='Staretz' post='1264324' date='May 4 2007, 01:19 PM']A franciscan monastery was suffering financially, so they decided to open a flower shop. It became very successful. So successful in fact that the florists in town started losing business. Frantic, they tried everything but could not succeed against the franciscans. So, they hired Hugh, the town bully. hugh went over to the monastery and beat up all the friars. He then said to shut down the florist shop or he'll be back. the franciscans were so scared that they immediately closed up shop.

And that goes to show you that hugh, and only hugh, can prevent florist friars.[/quote]

[Church Punk]

St. Francis was visiting St. Benedict at his the monastary and they began to prepare a meal for pilgrims. Francis was hard to work preparing the fish and Benedict the chips. One pilgrim approached the saints and asked which one was which. Francis replied, I am the Fish Friar, and Benedict, I am the Chip Monk.

[homeschoolmom]

[cappie]

When Giuseppe Sarto, who later became the great Pope St. Pius X, first became a Bishop, he experienced a little touch of vanity as he proudly held up his hand to his loving mother and said, “Mother, look at my Episcopal ring”. His mother, being a strong Italian peasant, returned by holding up her elderly and worn hand bearing her faded wedding ring and said: “If it were not for this ring, you would not have that ring”.

[homeschoolmom]

[quote name='cappie' post='1267244' date='May 7 2007, 05:46 PM']When Giuseppe Sarto, who later became the great Pope St. Pius X, first became a Bishop, he experienced a little touch of vanity as he proudly held up his hand to his loving mother and said, “Mother, look at my Episcopal ring”. His mother, being a strong Italian peasant, returned by holding up her elderly and worn hand bearing her faded wedding ring and said: “If it were not for this ring, you would not have that ring”.[/quote]
Love it.

[Starets]

A burglar once broke into a priest's residence. As he was sneaking around, he heard a voice say "I wouldnt do that if I were you, Jesus is watching you!". The burglar looks around and doesnt see where the voice is coming from. So he walks some more and hears a voice say "I wouldn't do that if I were you, Jesus is watching you!" So the burglart shines his flashlight around some more and the beam falls on a parrot.

The burglar said "Was that you that said that?"

the parrot said "yes"

The burglar said "what is your name?"

The parrot said "my name is Moses"

the burglar says "WHAT KIND OF A MORON WOULD CALL A PARROT MOSES??"

The parrot says "Same kind of a moron that would name a Rottweiler Jesus!"

[Guest T-Bone]

[quote name='Old_Joe' post='1265633' date='May 5 2007, 08:00 PM']So my friend and I decided to take a trip to Rome. Well, my friend is huge BBQ enthusiast and wanted to bring his portable grill along. I don't know how he got past airport security. Anyway, the day after we arrived we decided to visit the Vatican. Since it was such a nice day we got to visit the Vatican Gardens. Well, my friend decided that would be the place he would set up his grille. "It'll make for a great story to tell back home," he said reassuringly. I reluctantly stuck around with in the gardens for awhile until nobody was around. Well, it was too long that we could see the Pope making his way to where we were on one of his Rosary walks. [b]I really start freaking out thinking about being kicked of out the Vatican, Italy, and being excommunicated, not to mention those halberd the Swiss guards have with them.[/b] Well, I dove into some nearby bushes where I could watch my friend without being seen. Well, the Pope walks up to my friend, mumbles something making the sign of the cross at the same time and continues on his way. After he leaves, I come out from the bushes go up to my friend, and ask frantically, "Did he just give you a Papal blessing?"

My friend looks at me puzzled and says, "No that wasn't a Papal blessing."

"Well, then what was it?"

"He came up to me and said, 'I want you, your grill, and your friend in the bushes to get of my gardens!"[/quote]

As a side note, there is an excommunication order for smoking tobacco in St. Peter's Basilica.

[Guest 基督耶蘇]

What is similar about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?

Well, they were both founded by Spaniards, St. Dominic for the Dominicans, and St. Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuits. They were also both founded to combat heresy: the Dominicans to fight the Albigensians, and the Jesuits to fight the Protestants.

What is different about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?

Well, have you met any Albigensians lately?

[Knight of the Holy Rosary]

[quote]As a side note, there is an excommunication order for smoking tobacco in St. Peter's Basilica.[/quote]


Are you serious?

Edited May 7, 2007 by Knight of the Holy Rosary

[Guest T-Bone]

Yes. Read "A Social History of Tobacco."