Going To Be A Sister :)

[juchu]

Seems as if there are several germans here peeking in!

I am one of them, but your post, Johanna, finally made me register, since it was the exact same situation as mine


Viel Glück bei deiner Prüfung? Oder war sie jetzt schon?

[AlterDominicus]

Welcome to phatmass and to the pham! I'm AlterDominicus, but everyone just calls me Alter, if you ever need With anything, PM me I'd be more then honored to help out, I'll be praying for you. Your story is alot like mine.

[Johanna]

Hi again. I don't know what to say. I am really happy that I really stayed anonymous here until now, so in this forum I can post what's actually going on with me: Yesterday I had a talk with my spiritual director, and during talking to him, just while half an hour passed by, I just lost my faith. I realized that since summer of 2004, when I started believing again, I always pushed one question away from me: What if there just is no God? If I, we, every Christian in the world, just imagines there ist God, but actually He is not real? Yesterday, when we talked, I could let that question out for the first time. It deeply hurt me. While an hour before, I was totally happy praying the "angelus domini" with my spiritual director, then I just stood in front of the shattetered house of cards that is my faith. I don't know whether God exists, and I don't know how to find out. The only thing that I know is that I am/was(???) going to give my whole life (!!!) to somebody of whose existence I can't be sure. My spiritual director told me very much about Mother Theresa and about Therese of Lisieux. But I can't compare with them, as their faith was so much stronger than mine. When he prayed at the end of our talk, I wasn't even able of doing the sign of the cross.

Does anybody here understand me? I really don't know what to do now. I hope so much that God exists and that my faith will come back. I would like to believe in God's mercy and in Jesus Christ, but at this moment, I just cannot. I cannot even ask you lot to pray for me, as I don't trust in prayer any more.

Edited September 7, 2007 by Johanna

[Gabriella]

My dear Johanna,

Just like you, I stayed anonymous till now, and at the end of my journey (joining in 8 days) I have been through many different "states". I will not give you any antidote nor try to persuade you of the existence of God. I think it would be rather pointless and not what you need. The only thing I am sure of is that there is someone who was quite mad about your decision of embracing religious life and did everything he could to harm you and have you give up everything, including your faith. One other thing that I know is that the devil - let's give him a name - has lost. Whatever he does, God will always be victorious. I have experienced his wrath, and though it was very painful, I realized that he really cannot do anything without my consent.

You don't know if God exists anymore? Then ask Him to prove it to you. During my journey I never put my faith into question, but my vocation and other things, definitely. I told Him: Lord, if You really want me, come and get me. And He did, in His way... We shouldn't expect anything in particular from God. I would say that we should expect everything from Him! Whenever in doubt, or lost, I look at Mary. She had all the reasons in the world to give up everything, to choose her own way... but she followed though in great darkness. To put an act of faith in a state of almost complete dispair is the most beautiful thing, the most amazing act of love, and the source of the purest joy...
There is no point in comparing our faith to the one of Mother Teresa; we are just not the same, but God knows that, He created us! He knows our weaknesses. It was a big day for me the day I realized that Jesus could have made us perfect with His sacrifice, but chose not to... Why? St Paul gives us some clue. Because it is in our weaknesses, in our "littleness" that we can love the more. Look at Abraham. God gave him everything. A land, wealth, recognition, and finally a son! And in the end, He asks of his servant to give Him back what made the more sense in all this. And Abraham obeyed. I think there really was a sacrifice. It was the heart of Abraham, destroyed, immolated for his God. It is in this very moment of vulnerability that God loved him most.

I really cannot give you any other advice than to abandon yourself to whatever may happen. Don't fight, don't try to find the way out, let it come to you. Just be ready for anything!

You don't believe in prayer? No problem, let the PMers handle this. Personally I will take you in mine Johanna.

PS: tomorrow is Sept 8, I will entrust you to the Virgin Mary
rePS: please tell me if anything sounds unclear, I'm not a native and can make mistakes!

[Gabriella]

oops double post... sorry

Edited September 7, 2007 by Gabriella

[Johanna]

Thank you for your reply, Gabriella. I appreciate it very much. I try to pray (always beginning sentences by "If you are there ..."), I try not to cry too much and be friendly towards people. But I feel very, very cold inside. It is good to know there are people who care.

[alicemary]

Joanna,
do not put such stress on yourself! The Lord really does understand out doubts. Think how Jesus prayed in the Garden...'take this cup away from me'. Fear not. It is so normal to question the existence of God. It is part of growing in one's faith. For so long you merely believed what other in authority said over you...now you are exploring on your own and finding you own way in the faith. One of my favorite sayings was "I believe, but help my unbeliefs"...not many could say they did not doubt.
Take this time and use it. Find out what you really believe. Do not feel guilt or remorse over this, it is a natural part of growing up and out.
the Lord too allows this time, so just get through it. You will come out more convinced of the existence of the good Lord and will be much stronger in faith.

[Carmelitess]

Hi, Johanna,

I really agree with Gabriella. I definitely think that you should respectfully ask God to show you that He exists. If, for some reason, God doesn't respond to your request right away, please don't become discouraged. He always answers us at the perfect time, even if it's not directly after our prayer to Him.

My Mamma told me that a long time ago, when I was a really young, she doubted the existence of God. She was in a deep hole, and desperately needed Him, but was unsure if He was there. One day she earnestly prayed, "God, if you are there, give me a sign!" Approximately three hours later, she saw a magnificent red-legged hawk perched on the flowering cherry tree in our backyard. It lingered there for a few moments, perhaps to make sure she had spotted it, and flew away. Perhaps I ought to mention that we lived in the suburbs, where the houses were close together, and there weren't a lot of trees---we certainly didn't live in the woods, where birds of that sort tend to congregate.

I'm not saying that that is how God will answer your prayer, but I thought it might encourage you, as it did my Mamma. Sometimes, as I'm sure you know, God shows us that he is real by giving us a very deep understanding of Him in our hearts. I pray that He will give you that gift.

Also, Gabriella really is right about the probable interference of Satan in this crisis of faith you are experiencing right now. Satan wants us to hate God as he does. One of the greatest ways of loving God is when a woman gladly gives up all to become a bride of Christ. Satan [i]always[/i] does his best to discourage men and women from entering religious life.

Maybe if you realize that the Prince of Darkness is behind your sudden crisis of faith, you will be able to get back on track with Him who loves you. When, in the past, I had crises of faith, I would force myself to look at the probability of Satan being behind my doubts. Often I would see that, just as I was about to do something for God, such as witnessing to a friend about Christianity, praying the rosary, etc., I would be attacked by the devil, who would belittle my faith. Once I became aware of the Evil One's intentions, I would be able to get back with God.

Well, anyway, I hope this helps a little. I'm going to say a prayer for you now. By the way, I'm writing this on a bad night's sleep, and I'm really out of it right now, so I really hope this made sense! LOL

Pax et bonum,

Margaret

[Guest phatdaddy]

Hi Johana,

I haven't been on the phourm in quite some time and I was reading your intial post with delight. I'm sad to see you are experience this dark night and would concur with Gabriel that Satan is behind these doubts. There is nothing I can say to relieve this agony from you except, He is closer to you now more than ever. Keep saying it to yourself over and over, and Pray "fill me with yourself"

I will also pray for you.

Jesus and Mary love you,
Mr. Ray (OCDS Aspirant)

[Chaya]

Hallo Johanna, wie geht es dir inzwischen?

just know that you're in my prayers. you can always pm me - i speak french, german & english. i've had my share of doubts, too.

[onlygrace08]

Hi Johanna! I think that I do know where you are coming from for, I seem to be in a bit of a tough spot right now too. I was so sure of everything and almost resigned to my future as a religious. But, then I got to thinking about how there is no way to "prove" the existence of God. And, as you said, what if he isn't there? I know this isn't sounding very encouraging and I don't have any great advice. I suppose that the reason that I posted this is to say that I understand and that I'm there too. If I come up with any great advice, I'll be sure to pass it on. The things that everyone has already said seem to be very good. Just keep holding on. Don't give up keep trying. Praying for you!

Anna

[farglefeezlebut]

(hugs) God bless you. (prayers)

I think you should read "The Story of a Soul" by Saint Therese of Lisieux. (As a matter of fact, I think everyone should.) Saint Therese experienced a crisis similar to what you are suffering. Mother Teresa went through such a crisis for 50 years. You are in good company.

God is there, even if you don't feel it. At night time, the sun doesn't stop [i]existing[/i], it is just shining somewhere else.

I suggest you read the Gospel accounts of Christ's passion and pray stations. Try not to get worried. God loves you. It may seem hard to believe, but if you ask Him, He will let you receive spiritual benefits from all this.

Offer up your pain for the good of someone who is in need of prayer.

[Johanna]

Thank you all very, very much. I followed some of your advice and first of all kept in touch with both my spiritual director and my confession father. Yesterday, after having gotten a bit better, I felt much worse again and asked my spiritual director to allow me not to receive communion, as I felt like a lyer not believing, but answering "Amen" when be told "The Body of Christ". He agreed (under the condition that I try to pray a prayer of longing for union with Christ and the Church during Communion). So today I just prayed, and after Mass I had a talk with my confession father. It was really great, and I think that I am getting better now.

[CHRISTINEH]

[quote name='Johanna' post='1343419' date='Jul 29 2007, 05:30 AM']Hi,

I have been a lurker at vocation station for quite some time now, and to me it seems I know some of you really well already. Now it is the first time I found the courage to post something in here myself . So let me introduce myself:

I am a university student from Germany and in the process of finishing my studies (which will take me another one and a half years, but it's already the beginning of examination time now). I have discerned for about two years, until now. In the beginning I had just a kind of feeling that God wants me to change something in my life. First, I thought about giving up my studies and do something else, but I recognized very soon that this wasn't the right thing to do. Then I talked to our student's chaplain, and he told me something like "Everybody comes to the point of thinking about vocation sooner or later ...". I was a bit surprised then ("Me? A nun? But I will marry my boyfriend and have twelve children!!"), but I thought about everything and prayed a lot, went to the WYD, prayed again, talked to brothers and sisters, went on a retreat and then found out that it was probably the way - my way: Entering a religious community. Then I had to get seperated from my boyfriend first, which hurt us both a lot, but him more than me as he is an agnostic and did not at all understand why I preferred entering a monastery to being together with him. After that I began looking for the "right" community, and I almost drove our student's chaplain mad (who actually then wasn't our student's chaplain any more, but relocated to the next city and now is my spiritual director), as I was very impatient and wanted to know everything at once and asked him about different communities just to say: No, they aren't the right ones. But some day I was just surfing on the Internet and there it was: "my" monastery, "my" community. I just needed to read their homepage to know: If it is not them, then there is no community for me. They are some eight hours away from me, so I went there to visit them for two weeks even for the first time. And everything fit. Now, after some more visits, I must say "almost everything", but the things that I don't like aren't so important that they could get me away from that amazing community of sisters. So now, a week ago, I talked to the novice mistress about entering after my examinations. She just asked how long we will have to wait ... I'm really happy now, singing and dancing every time I am alone, but still very impatient. One and a half years to go ... And I can talk to almost nobody here, because I live in the middle of diaspora. I could really use some prayers.

Excuse me for all my language mistakes, please! And thank you for reading my post.[/quote]

[CHRISTINEH]

YOU WILL BE IN MY DAILY PRAYERS.........GOD LOVE YOU...CHRISTINE

[Johanna]

Hi. It's been quite some time since I've shared my experiences. The last months have been really hard. About four weeks after my last post, I visited "my" monastery. During the talks to the novice mistress, whom I really trusted with all my life, I spoke about my problems and my darkness. It was very private, very sensitive ... and she didn't know how to handle the information I gave her. I don't want to go into the details, but she really betrayed my trust and gave my name and story to a psychotherapist (which I hadn't asked for - I had agreed to her giving the psychotherapist's name and adress to me - but certainly not the other way round!) And apart from that she talked to me in a very harsh way and said things I couldn't accept. The two weeks with the community were really close to what I imagine hell must be like.

After my return home I talked to my spiritual director about everything that had happened at the monastery. He felt sorry for me, but said - to abstract things - that he would not recommend me to enter this monastery, because things there were not going a good way. I was smashed. No "my" monastery any more. But I felt it my spiritual director was right ... So I had to reconsider everything. The first weeks were quite hard for me, and to make things worse, after Christmas I fell in love with a married man and he with me, and we could just stop before things could get really bad. We both struggled very hard with ourselves and with God, but now, I can just pray for him and his wife ... They are having marriage problems (they were actually having them before the incident, though they weren't aware of them by that time), and I am not very happy being the person his wife now hates, but I can understand her. So now I keep praying to Jesus that HE makes me fall in love with HIMSELF again ... It is hard, and I still have no single feeling for the presence of God in my life, but I am not willing to give up. Maybe HE will have mercy with me.

Please pray for me ... (I recently found another community on the internet that I could imagine discerning with ... Maybe ... I hope so much ...)

[Caramelonion]

Johanna:

Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Discerning can be such a hard thing. I struggle every day with not allowing what [i]I[/i] want cloud [i]His[/i] plan for me. All I can say is just keep praying. He will give you a sign.

Blessings!

[alicemary]

Johanna,
SLOW DOWN!! You go from wanting to enter a cloister to having an affair. What you need is time spent in prayer getting to know Jesus. He has to be the reason for you wanting to enter the convent, only Him.
Novice mistresses have a tough job. They have to judge a person before they come into the cloister. The wrong type could raise alot of havoc in the closed world of the monastery. Of course they are going to seek outside help, in that case the psychotherapists. Maybe she did not know how to handle what you spoke about. You don't think she left the parlor with you and went right back to the community with much of what you said, at least to her superior? Of course she did.
As to the married man...theyall say they have terrible marriages. They all say they love you and will leave their wife and family. They all pledge undying love. And they don't ever leave. And if they do leave, guess what, they cheated on their first wife, they will cheat on you. Many fall into the trap, but guess what, you are the one left alone celebrating the holidays, you are alone on your birthday and valentine day...cause he is with his wife. That is a loosing relationship....run dont walk away from him. Any person that cheats will cheat again. And you are worth more.
The last thing you need right now is to go visiting another community. Slow it down. Develop your relationship with God. Listen to what He may be telling you. Dont wait for a sign, they rarely come or come in a way that you wll not understand at the time. Sure, search the web, look at some sites. But get your headon straight before making any commitments to anything.
Have you dated? Do you feel sure that you are not called to be married or to the single life? Talking this over with a therapist might help.
And if you do feel a pull toward the convent, check out the community well before hand. Live with them for a month or two. Really find out what they are like. Email and websites can be good PR, but you need to know the truth. That can only come with living there.
God be with you, and enlighten your heart. And you are not alone.....

[Johanna]

Dear alicemary,

this man does not want to leave his wife! We both struggled hard to get our feelings under control, we dated - yes - but only for one week and then stopped seeing each other because we know it is not right. I know that I have done a really wrong thing and made myself guilty. The temptator got hand on me when I dated this married man, but now we haven't seen each other for several months and won't meet in the future. I went to confession and God has forgiven me, the same did that man, and God has forgiven him - so please, you do not judge us when God doesn't.

[puellapaschalis]

Johanna,

thank you for being brave and trusting her with yourself, even though you got burnt. You're in my prayers