rachael Posted September 11, 2007 Share Posted September 11, 2007 (edited) [quote name='Raphael' post='1383501' date='Sep 11 2007, 12:13 PM']I think it's because we live in a drama-queen society, but that's just me.[/quote] I'm a total drama-queen. Edited September 11, 2007 by rachael Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IcePrincessKRS Posted September 11, 2007 Share Posted September 11, 2007 [quote name='Raphael' post='1383501' date='Sep 11 2007, 01:13 PM']I think it's because we live in a drama-queen society, but that's just me.[/quote] I think there is a funny way to be a drama queen and an unhealthy way. My friend T. has the most insane things happen to her (she has, literally, THE WORST luck with men), and she's dramatic about it, but its funny. She has fun with and and doesn't let it drag her down. I've seen people have equally bad things happen and they mope and whine. That kind of drama is ugly and annoying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thy Geekdom Come Posted September 11, 2007 Share Posted September 11, 2007 [quote name='IcePrincessKRS' post='1383506' date='Sep 11 2007, 12:17 PM']I've seen people have equally bad things happen and they mope and whine. That kind of drama is ugly and annoying.[/quote] Yeah, being a drama queen shouldn't be a drag... ...otherwise, you're really just a big drama drag queen, and nobody wants that. [img]http://incolor.inebraska.com/sumaree/nebraskafilm/images/foo9.jpg[/img] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sojourner Posted September 11, 2007 Share Posted September 11, 2007 [quote name='IcePrincessKRS' post='1383499' date='Sep 11 2007, 11:10 AM']I definitely agree with that. I like to think I'm pretty well aware of my faults, and that I can admit where I've been wrong. I just refuse to admit I'm wrong if I don't think I am. And I have a hard time letting go of grudges when the other person won't admit that they are guilty as well. I know at times I let things get to me and take things personally (especially if it involves or affects family), and at times that can be a fault but its got to have hit me pretty hard if I refuse to let go of the grudge. (I can name 2 grudges where I struggle to forgive the person, and I'd like to think I have, but I refuse to have anything to do with them because they are bad for my disposition.)[/quote] I am the same way. Honestly, another person's inability or unwillingness to accept responsibility for their own part in a disagreement or problem in the relationship is a total relationship killer for me. I have one person who wants to go on and continue being friends as if nothing had happened between us, and she thinks I'm totally unreasonable for saying I can't continue as we were until the situation between us is addressed and she is willing to grow up and accept responsibility for her actions. I'm not really good at sweeping things under the rug. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
homeschoolmom Posted September 11, 2007 Share Posted September 11, 2007 The Victim Mentality is a very childish attitude (ie I can see it in my children). I think it comes from being so ego-centric that whatever stands in your way to happiness is bad and if you don't get your way, it's because you are somehow a victim. Children whose parents call them on this behavior ("hey, Kiddo, let's take the plank out of your own eye and own up to your share in this dilemma") usually develop a more balanced sense of their place in the bigger world. Kids who don't develop this grow into very whiny adults. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie Posted September 11, 2007 Share Posted September 11, 2007 (edited) Yes, victim mentality is when a person blames everything that happens to them on others, circumstances or the world, etc. It can also be when a person feels that nothing good will ever happen to them. But what a lot of people don't remember is that victim mentality often comes from anger. The person who has a victim mentality is often angry with whomever offended them, but also angry with themselves. Many times they feel as if they were not strong enough to change/prevent the situation. They can't forgive themselves. The most important step to get rid of victim mentality is to acknowledge the hurt, then forgive. You have to forgive the person who hurt you. You don't need to accept their actions, but forgive the situation and move on. You also need to forgive yourself and stop being angry with yourself. Sometimes the hurt is so bad, that it takes more than just maturity and humility to move on from victim mentality. Sometimes, its not just a matter of being childish. Saying so makes it sound so simple. In a severe situation, there needs to be deep prayer, therapy, and insight. Most people who have a victim mentality don't want a victim mentality. Its an awful feeling. Take it from me. It took years (and prayer + therapy) for me to overcome the victim mentality I clung to from some nasty situations in my life. Personally, I think overgeneralizing and saying that people just "need to get over it" or are just being "childish" is a totally un-Christian thing to do. You never know what has happened to someone in their life and what deep emotional scars they struggle with. Edited September 11, 2007 by Carrie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rachael Posted September 11, 2007 Share Posted September 11, 2007 [quote name='Raphael' post='1383509' date='Sep 11 2007, 12:21 PM']Yeah, being a drama queen shouldn't be a drag... ...otherwise, you're really just a big drama drag queen, and nobody wants that. [img]http://incolor.inebraska.com/sumaree/nebraskafilm/images/foo9.jpg[/img][/quote] I really don't have a response to that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anomaly Posted September 11, 2007 Share Posted September 11, 2007 HSMom has it right. Victim mentality is ego-centric. If you can't recognize that others get screwed worse than you, you will believe you're a special victim. If you can't recognize that you've victimized others on occaision, you certainly can't forgive others without being resentful. Nobody is really perfect or completely innocent that is alive today. (Note to self. Don't insert anything about infallibility here.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IcePrincessKRS Posted September 11, 2007 Share Posted September 11, 2007 Speak for yourself. I, for one, am completely perfect and innocent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T-Bone _ Posted September 11, 2007 Share Posted September 11, 2007 [quote name='IcePrincessKRS' post='1383527' date='Sep 11 2007, 10:44 AM']Speak for yourself. I, for one, am completely perfect and innocent. [/quote] I thought I was the only one... Oh well, I guess that means I'm not [i]completely[/i] perfect. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sojourner Posted September 11, 2007 Share Posted September 11, 2007 [quote name='Carrie' post='1383512' date='Sep 11 2007, 11:22 AM']Yes, victim mentality is when a person blames everything that happens to them on others, circumstances or the world, etc. It can also be when a person feels that nothing good will ever happen to them. But what a lot of people don't remember is that victim mentality often comes from anger. The person who has a victim mentality is often angry with whomever offended them, but also angry with themselves. Many times they feel as if they were not strong enough to change/prevent the situation. They can't forgive themselves. The most important step to get rid of victim mentality is to acknowledge the hurt, then forgive. You have to forgive the person who hurt you. You don't need to accept their actions, but forgive the situation and move on. You also need to forgive yourself and stop being angry with yourself. Sometimes the hurt is so bad, that it takes more than just maturity and humility to move on from victim mentality. Sometimes, its not just a matter of being childish. Saying so makes it sound so simple. In a severe situation, there needs to be deep prayer, therapy, and insight. Most people who have a victim mentality don't want a victim mentality. Its an awful feeling. Take it from me. It took years (and prayer + therapy) for me to overcome the victim mentality I clung to from some nasty situations in my life. Personally, I think overgeneralizing and saying that people just "need to get over it" or are just being "childish" is a totally un-Christian thing to do. You never know what has happened to someone in their life and what deep emotional scars they struggle with.[/quote] I don't mean to imply that dealing with any of this stuff is easy, particularly in more serious situations. I know how hard it is to forgive and to release anger ... it is a process, not simply a one-time thing. It's the kind of thing that happens best in relationship -- ideally, in a relationship with the person involved in the offense, but when that's not possible then in a community of people who are also aware of their own humanness. Or, as you say, in a counseling situation when such treatment is necessary. But all that said, being in a relationship with someone who is unable to deal with the consequences of their own actions is very, very hard -- particularly if they see you as being a primary cause of their unhappiness. And even if you recognize that their issues preclude them being able to deal with things healthily at a given point in time, being willing to be charitable and civil in the midst takes a lot of grace. In the situation I mentioned earlier, I've at times been very graceful and at times been very uncharitable. It's hard, and that difficulty doesn't exclude my uncharitable behavior, but it does mean I'm human and have need of grace myself, as do we all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cmotherofpirl Posted September 11, 2007 Share Posted September 11, 2007 [quote name='dUSt' post='1383474' date='Sep 11 2007, 12:44 PM']I've noticed a disturbing trend lately here at phatmass. A lot of posts seem to be dominated by a victim mentality. Let's discuss. Is a victim mentality necessarily a bad thing? How do you get over a victim mentality? Is everyone capable of overcoming a victim mentality or is it something that can never be changed in a person? Does it need to be? Does the church say anything on this matter? Should this be left up to phsycologists and therapists? Do people use phatmass as their therapist? Personally, and I'm not saying this is good or bad or better, but I despise having anything to do with being associated with being a victim. If something happens to me, and it's not my fault, I suppose that I would "technically" be the victim, but in my head, I am not. I do everything in my power to be portrayed as the victor, and throughout any type of negative experience, I think of myself as the victor, as opposed to the victim. Seriously, am I distorted? Is there something wrong with me? Have I hardened my heart so much that things don't affect me? Is this good or bad? Is it bad that I have a hard time getting emotional and always approach situations from an analytical standpoint? What am I missing? It is all quite intriguing to me.[/quote] There is a difference between being a victim [ of whatever happened to you] and having a victim mentality. With hard work, real victims can become survivors. But those with a victim mentality actually seem to have a much harder time of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
homeschoolmom Posted September 11, 2007 Share Posted September 11, 2007 Victim mentality and Entitlement mentality often go hand in hand... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie Posted September 11, 2007 Share Posted September 11, 2007 [quote name='Terra Firma' post='1383532' date='Sep 11 2007, 01:51 PM']I don't mean to imply that dealing with any of this stuff is easy, particularly in more serious situations. I know how hard it is to forgive and to release anger ... it is a process, not simply a one-time thing. It's the kind of thing that happens best in relationship -- ideally, in a relationship with the person involved in the offense, but when that's not possible then in a community of people who are also aware of their own humanness. Or, as you say, in a counseling situation when such treatment is necessary. But all that said, being in a relationship with someone who is unable to deal with the consequences of their own actions is very, very hard -- particularly if they see you as being a primary cause of their unhappiness. And even if you recognize that their issues preclude them being able to deal with things healthily at a given point in time, being willing to be charitable and civil in the midst takes a lot of grace. In the situation I mentioned earlier, I've at times been very graceful and at times been very uncharitable. It's hard, and that difficulty doesn't exclude my uncharitable behavior, but it does mean I'm human and have need of grace myself, as do we all.[/quote] I agree with what your saying, especially concerning grace. We all need it, especially in difficult situations. I suppose my difficulty in the overgeneralizations said here is the difference in what "offenses" we're talking about. I agree that a victim mentality is ridiculous because "Its my boss' fault I didn't get a raise" or "You didn't do what I wanted you to, so you're a bad bf/gf/spouse and you're the source of my unhappiness." But its not ridiculous when victim mentality is because "I've been abused" or "I've been raped" or any other very serious situation like that. In those cases a "get over it" attitude just doesn't work. This is where prayer, support, and charity come in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XIX Posted September 11, 2007 Share Posted September 11, 2007 You're all just upset because you know you are responsible for everything that happens in my life that I don't like. Hey look, something shiny! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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