Victim Mentality

[Carrie]

Yes, victim mentality is when a person blames everything that happens to them on others, circumstances or the world, etc. It can also be when a person feels that nothing good will ever happen to them.

But what a lot of people don't remember is that victim mentality often comes from anger. The person who has a victim mentality is often angry with whomever offended them, but also angry with themselves. Many times they feel as if they were not strong enough to change/prevent the situation. They can't forgive themselves.

The most important step to get rid of victim mentality is to acknowledge the hurt, then forgive. You have to forgive the person who hurt you. You don't need to accept their actions, but forgive the situation and move on. You also need to forgive yourself and stop being angry with yourself.

Sometimes the hurt is so bad, that it takes more than just maturity and humility to move on from victim mentality. Sometimes, its not just a matter of being childish. Saying so makes it sound so simple. In a severe situation, there needs to be deep prayer, therapy, and insight. Most people who have a victim mentality don't want a victim mentality. Its an awful feeling.

Take it from me. It took years (and prayer + therapy) for me to overcome the victim mentality I clung to from some nasty situations in my life.

Personally, I think overgeneralizing and saying that people just "need to get over it" or are just being "childish" is a totally un-Christian thing to do. You never know what has happened to someone in their life and what deep emotional scars they struggle with.

Edited September 11, 2007 by Carrie

[rachael]

[quote name='Raphael' post='1383509' date='Sep 11 2007, 12:21 PM']Yeah, being a drama queen shouldn't be a drag...
...otherwise, you're really just a big drama drag queen, and nobody wants that.
[img]http://incolor.inebraska.com/sumaree/nebraskafilm/images/foo9.jpg[/img][/quote]

I really don't have a response to that.

[Anomaly]

HSMom has it right. Victim mentality is ego-centric. If you can't recognize that others get screwed worse than you, you will believe you're a special victim. If you can't recognize that you've victimized others on occaision, you certainly can't forgive others without being resentful. Nobody is really perfect or completely innocent that is alive today. (Note to self. Don't insert anything about infallibility here.)

[IcePrincessKRS]

Speak for yourself. I, for one, am completely perfect and innocent.

[T-Bone _]

[quote name='IcePrincessKRS' post='1383527' date='Sep 11 2007, 10:44 AM']Speak for yourself. I, for one, am completely perfect and innocent. [/quote]

I thought I was the only one...

Oh well, I guess that means I'm not [i]completely[/i] perfect.

[Sojourner]

[quote name='Carrie' post='1383512' date='Sep 11 2007, 11:22 AM']Yes, victim mentality is when a person blames everything that happens to them on others, circumstances or the world, etc. It can also be when a person feels that nothing good will ever happen to them.

But what a lot of people don't remember is that victim mentality often comes from anger. The person who has a victim mentality is often angry with whomever offended them, but also angry with themselves. Many times they feel as if they were not strong enough to change/prevent the situation. They can't forgive themselves.

The most important step to get rid of victim mentality is to acknowledge the hurt, then forgive. You have to forgive the person who hurt you. You don't need to accept their actions, but forgive the situation and move on. You also need to forgive yourself and stop being angry with yourself.

Sometimes the hurt is so bad, that it takes more than just maturity and humility to move on from victim mentality. Sometimes, its not just a matter of being childish. Saying so makes it sound so simple. In a severe situation, there needs to be deep prayer, therapy, and insight. Most people who have a victim mentality don't want a victim mentality. Its an awful feeling.

Take it from me. It took years (and prayer + therapy) for me to overcome the victim mentality I clung to from some nasty situations in my life.

Personally, I think overgeneralizing and saying that people just "need to get over it" or are just being "childish" is a totally un-Christian thing to do. You never know what has happened to someone in their life and what deep emotional scars they struggle with.[/quote]
I don't mean to imply that dealing with any of this stuff is easy, particularly in more serious situations. I know how hard it is to forgive and to release anger ... it is a process, not simply a one-time thing. It's the kind of thing that happens best in relationship -- ideally, in a relationship with the person involved in the offense, but when that's not possible then in a community of people who are also aware of their own humanness. Or, as you say, in a counseling situation when such treatment is necessary.

But all that said, being in a relationship with someone who is unable to deal with the consequences of their own actions is very, very hard -- particularly if they see you as being a primary cause of their unhappiness. And even if you recognize that their issues preclude them being able to deal with things healthily at a given point in time, being willing to be charitable and civil in the midst takes a lot of grace. In the situation I mentioned earlier, I've at times been very graceful and at times been very uncharitable. It's hard, and that difficulty doesn't exclude my uncharitable behavior, but it does mean I'm human and have need of grace myself, as do we all.

[cmotherofpirl]

[quote name='dUSt' post='1383474' date='Sep 11 2007, 12:44 PM']I've noticed a disturbing trend lately here at phatmass. A lot of posts seem to be dominated by a victim mentality.

Let's discuss.

Is a victim mentality necessarily a bad thing?
How do you get over a victim mentality?
Is everyone capable of overcoming a victim mentality or is it something that can never be changed in a person? Does it need to be?
Does the church say anything on this matter?
Should this be left up to phsycologists and therapists?
Do people use phatmass as their therapist?

Personally, and I'm not saying this is good or bad or better, but I despise having anything to do with being associated with being a victim. If something happens to me, and it's not my fault, I suppose that I would "technically" be the victim, but in my head, I am not. I do everything in my power to be portrayed as the victor, and throughout any type of negative experience, I think of myself as the victor, as opposed to the victim. Seriously, am I distorted? Is there something wrong with me? Have I hardened my heart so much that things don't affect me? Is this good or bad? Is it bad that I have a hard time getting emotional and always approach situations from an analytical standpoint? What am I missing?

It is all quite intriguing to me.[/quote]
There is a difference between being a victim [ of whatever happened to you] and having a victim mentality. With hard work, real victims can become survivors. But those with a victim mentality actually seem to have a much harder time of it.

[homeschoolmom]

Victim mentality and Entitlement mentality often go hand in hand...

[Carrie]

[quote name='Terra Firma' post='1383532' date='Sep 11 2007, 01:51 PM']I don't mean to imply that dealing with any of this stuff is easy, particularly in more serious situations. I know how hard it is to forgive and to release anger ... it is a process, not simply a one-time thing. It's the kind of thing that happens best in relationship -- ideally, in a relationship with the person involved in the offense, but when that's not possible then in a community of people who are also aware of their own humanness. Or, as you say, in a counseling situation when such treatment is necessary.

But all that said, being in a relationship with someone who is unable to deal with the consequences of their own actions is very, very hard -- particularly if they see you as being a primary cause of their unhappiness. And even if you recognize that their issues preclude them being able to deal with things healthily at a given point in time, being willing to be charitable and civil in the midst takes a lot of grace. In the situation I mentioned earlier, I've at times been very graceful and at times been very uncharitable. It's hard, and that difficulty doesn't exclude my uncharitable behavior, but it does mean I'm human and have need of grace myself, as do we all.[/quote]

I agree with what your saying, especially concerning grace. We all need it, especially in difficult situations.

I suppose my difficulty in the overgeneralizations said here is the difference in what "offenses" we're talking about.

I agree that a victim mentality is ridiculous because "Its my boss' fault I didn't get a raise" or "You didn't do what I wanted you to, so you're a bad bf/gf/spouse and you're the source of my unhappiness." But its not ridiculous when victim mentality is because "I've been abused" or "I've been raped" or any other very serious situation like that. In those cases a "get over it" attitude just doesn't work. This is where prayer, support, and charity come in.

[XIX]

You're all just upset because you know you are responsible for everything that happens in my life that I don't like.


Hey look, something shiny!

[Jaime]

One cannot simultaneously be a victim and a Vikings fan

[Sojourner]

[quote name='Carrie' post='1383542' date='Sep 11 2007, 12:03 PM']I agree with what your saying, especially concerning grace. We all need it, especially in difficult situations.

I suppose my difficulty in the overgeneralizations said here is the difference in what "offenses" we're talking about.

I agree that a victim mentality is ridiculous because "Its my boss' fault I didn't get a raise" or "You didn't do what I wanted you to, so you're a bad bf/gf/spouse and you're the source of my unhappiness." But its not ridiculous when victim mentality is because "I've been abused" or "I've been raped" or any other very serious situation like that. In those cases a "get over it" attitude just doesn't work. This is where prayer, support, and charity come in.[/quote]
I would totally agree ... that's why I pointed out in my first post that there are legitimately situations in which a person did not contribute to the situation. That kind of thing is definitely harder to deal with, and really I guess I don't lump it into the "victim mentality" category ... perhaps I should have made that distinction more clear. I have more to say on this but have to prep a bit for my upcoming class ...

[Lil Red]

[quote name='Carrie' post='1383512' date='Sep 11 2007, 10:22 AM']Yes, victim mentality is when a person blames everything that happens to them on others, circumstances or the world, etc. It can also be when a person feels that nothing good will ever happen to them.

But what a lot of people don't remember is that victim mentality often comes from anger. The person who has a victim mentality is often angry with whomever offended them, but also angry with themselves. Many times they feel as if they were not strong enough to change/prevent the situation. They can't forgive themselves.

The most important step to get rid of victim mentality is to acknowledge the hurt, then forgive. You have to forgive the person who hurt you. You don't need to accept their actions, but forgive the situation and move on. You also need to forgive yourself and stop being angry with yourself.

Sometimes the hurt is so bad, that it takes more than just maturity and humility to move on from victim mentality. Sometimes, its not just a matter of being childish. Saying so makes it sound so simple. In a severe situation, there needs to be deep prayer, therapy, and insight. Most people who have a victim mentality don't want a victim mentality. Its an awful feeling.

Take it from me. It took years (and prayer + therapy) for me to overcome the victim mentality I clung to from some nasty situations in my life.

Personally, I think overgeneralizing and saying that people just "need to get over it" or are just being "childish" is a totally un-Christian thing to do. You never know what has happened to someone in their life and what deep emotional scars they struggle with.[/quote]
great post

[quote name='Carrie' post='1383542' date='Sep 11 2007, 11:03 AM']I agree with what your saying, especially concerning grace. We all need it, especially in difficult situations.

I suppose my difficulty in the overgeneralizations said here is the difference in what "offenses" we're talking about.

I agree that a victim mentality is ridiculous because "Its my boss' fault I didn't get a raise" or "You didn't do what I wanted you to, so you're a bad bf/gf/spouse and you're the source of my unhappiness." But its not ridiculous when victim mentality is because "I've been abused" or "I've been raped" or any other very serious situation like that. In those cases a "get over it" attitude just doesn't work. This is where prayer, support, and charity come in.[/quote]and great follow-up post

[Lil Red]

[quote name='Carrie' post='1383542' date='Sep 11 2007, 11:03 AM']I agree with what your saying, especially concerning grace. We all need it, especially in difficult situations.

I suppose my difficulty in the overgeneralizations said here is the difference in what "offenses" we're talking about.

I agree that a victim mentality is ridiculous because "Its my boss' fault I didn't get a raise" or "You didn't do what I wanted you to, so you're a bad bf/gf/spouse and you're the source of my unhappiness." But its not ridiculous when victim mentality is because "I've been abused" or "I've been raped" or any other very serious situation like that. In those cases a "get over it" attitude just doesn't work. This is where prayer, support, and charity come in.[/quote]
and i think in those cases when a person tries the 'get over it' attitude, they become more and more unhappy and bitter and angry and take it out on others around them; instead of dealing with the issue.

[N/A Gone]

[quote name='hot stuff' post='1383594' date='Sep 11 2007, 02:13 PM']One cannot simultaneously be a victim and a Vikings fan[/quote]

AMEN!!!

[cmotherofpirl]

[quote name='Carrie' post='1383512' date='Sep 11 2007, 01:22 PM']Yes, victim mentality is when a person blames everything that happens to them on others, circumstances or the world, etc. It can also be when a person feels that nothing good will ever happen to them.

But what a lot of people don't remember is that victim mentality often comes from anger. The person who has a victim mentality is often angry with whomever offended them, but also angry with themselves. Many times they feel as if they were not strong enough to change/prevent the situation. They can't forgive themselves.

The most important step to get rid of victim mentality is to acknowledge the hurt, then forgive. You have to forgive the person who hurt you. You don't need to accept their actions, but forgive the situation and move on. You also need to forgive yourself and stop being angry with yourself.

Sometimes the hurt is so bad, that it takes more than just maturity and humility to move on from victim mentality. Sometimes, its not just a matter of being childish. Saying so makes it sound so simple. In a severe situation, there needs to be deep prayer, therapy, and insight. Most people who have a victim mentality don't want a victim mentality. Its an awful feeling.

Take it from me. It took years (and prayer + therapy) for me to overcome the victim mentality I clung to from some nasty situations in my life.

Personally, I think overgeneralizing and saying that people just "need to get over it" or are just being "childish" is a totally un-Christian thing to do. You never know what has happened to someone in their life and what deep emotional scars they struggle with.[/quote]
You illustrated the difference between being a victim [ which is a tragedy usually caused by circumstances or other people] and having a victim mentality which is an attitude problem of "I am not currently on top of the pile - woe is me!!"
Going from victim to survivor [ and you are a survivor ] takes hard work prayer and therapy and support. Having a victim merntality comes from a whole different place - a some of miserable discontent with life that someone might it better off than you and the whole world has to hear about it because ya just can't stand it.

[Sojourner]

[quote name='cmotherofpirl' post='1383635' date='Sep 11 2007, 02:33 PM']You illustrated the difference between being a victim [ which is a tragedy usually caused by circumstances or other people] and having a victim mentality which is an attitude problem of "I am not currently on top of the pile - woe is me!!"
Going from victim to survivor [ and you are a survivor ] takes hard work prayer and therapy and support. Having a victim merntality comes from a whole different place - a some of miserable discontent with life that someone might it better off than you and the whole world has to hear about it because ya just can't stand it.[/quote]
YES

that is what I was trying to say.

[adt6247]

[quote name='RC _' post='1383482' date='Sep 11 2007, 12:52 PM']What if we're just paranoid?[/quote]
[url="http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/1999/01/15"][i]Get out of my teeth![/i][/url]

[greentea]

As frustrating as having a friend with a 'victim-mentality' can be, the 'get over it' approach is never a good idea. Imagine deciding to open up to a close friend (or anonymously on a forum) with some problems you have because you don't have any other outlet, and you're told to stop being such a whiner. There are some people who genuinely don't have a problem and are looking for a bit of attention.. but that could be a bit of a problem in itself.

Everybody needs to vent somewhere, and for some people it's easier to do this where nobody knows them... and a religious environment would be ideal, as people tend to be more caring/accepting (or at least they should be). Having people open up here is a good thing IMO, it shows that the user trusts the members and finds phatmass a supportive place, which is what a forum of this nature should be.

[Seven77]

[quote name='homeschoolmom' post='1383511' date='Sep 11 2007, 11:22 AM']The Victim Mentality is a very childish attitude (ie I can see it in my children). I think it comes from being so ego-centric that whatever stands in your way to happiness is bad and if you don't get your way, it's because you are somehow a victim. Children whose parents call them on this behavior ("hey, Kiddo, let's take the plank out of your own eye and own up to your share in this dilemma") usually develop a more balanced sense of their place in the bigger world. Kids who don't develop this grow into very whiny adults.[/quote]

Throwing a fit if you don't get your way is very common attribute of victim mentality. A vicious type of anger is cultivated by victim mentality.

Rhonda Chervin talks about this 'expecting heaven on earth--expecting unrealistic perfection from everything and everyone (except yourself!)' mentality.