Aloysius Posted February 10, 2008 Share Posted February 10, 2008 so I'm just lookin for feedback on my writing if anyone really feels like it. [url="http://www.brianpadraig.com"]http://www.brianpadraig.com[/url] [url="http://www.brianpadraig.com/writingsindex.html"]http://www.brianpadraig.com/writingsindex.html[/url] it's totally different than the type of stuff I would write on phatmass, I'm just tryin to get back in the habit of writing and since I am totally terrible at critiquing my own work, I've been putting it up to see what ppl have to say. let me know what you think (the index page shows the latest written, some of em are continuations and should be read in order as they are listed to the side) every once in a while, there might be some inside joke cause some of my friends read the site, so if something doesn't make sense, that's probably that be kind, geniuses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CatholicCid Posted February 10, 2008 Share Posted February 10, 2008 (edited) Please fix the first page! Looks like you used to many br >_>'s Edited February 10, 2008 by CatholicCid Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aloysius Posted February 10, 2008 Author Share Posted February 10, 2008 looks like you use Internet Explorer or something. I ignore the way internet explorer reads HTML cuz it's stupid lol, if i were makin a professional site, i'd have to make it work on all browsers, but this is mostly just a personal resource so sorry lol. it looks absolutely fine in Firefox. do the writings pages look alright? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenchild17 Posted February 11, 2008 Share Posted February 11, 2008 nice. I'll read more closely tomorrow night. I need to get back into writing. I haven't written anything in quite awhile... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CatholicCid Posted February 11, 2008 Share Posted February 11, 2008 (edited) [quote name='Aloysius' post='1458703' date='Feb 10 2008, 06:12 PM']looks like you use Internet Explorer or something. I ignore the way internet explorer reads HTML cuz it's stupid lol, if i were makin a professional site, i'd have to make it work on all browsers, but this is mostly just a personal resource so sorry lol. it looks absolutely fine in Firefox.[/quote] [quote name='Aloysius' post='1458703' date='Feb 10 2008, 06:12 PM']do the writings pages look alright?[/quote] Yes. Edited February 11, 2008 by CatholicCid Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Noel's angel Posted February 11, 2008 Share Posted February 11, 2008 I had a quick flick through. I really like your style. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jeffpugh Posted February 12, 2008 Share Posted February 12, 2008 Dude, I haven't seen you in a while? How's things? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aloysius Posted February 12, 2008 Author Share Posted February 12, 2008 [quote name='Noel's angel' post='1459279' date='Feb 11 2008, 04:30 PM']I had a quick flick through. I really like your style.[/quote] thanks [quote]Dude, I haven't seen you in a while? How's things?[/quote] Phine, I'm in Ireland. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justin86 Posted February 12, 2008 Share Posted February 12, 2008 Dude, just looking at your mainpage I have to say, Guinness rules. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aloysius Posted February 17, 2008 Author Share Posted February 17, 2008 Amen. And you really have no idea just how much it rules until you have had it in Ireland. It is soo much better here! has somethin to do with how they use oxygen instead of nitrogen in the stuff they have back in the states. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Noel's angel Posted February 17, 2008 Share Posted February 17, 2008 Did you ask the barman to put a shamrock on the head? When I worked in a pub we always had to do that for people. We also had loads of people who took videos of us pulling pints of Guinness...'twas quite strange. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aloysius Posted March 24, 2008 Author Share Posted March 24, 2008 haha no, I just get my Guiness. ... pay no attention to the random story "The Cup of Sugar"... haha it has no point I was just writing for no good reason haha... might be good for a laugh though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kitty Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 I'd critique your work, but a lot of the stuff has a 404 Not Found error. :S Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aloysius Posted March 25, 2008 Author Share Posted March 25, 2008 hmm... that's really weird, I just put them back up. don't know what was going on with that... they all seemed to have just disappeared. back up now though anyway, all of this stuff is raw, not even put through a spell checker or anything ... part of my getting back to writing thing, I need to learn how to just write stuff raw and let ppl see it, the more i edit the more i mess it up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kitty Posted March 25, 2008 Share Posted March 25, 2008 (edited) Okay, I'm on "The Storm" right now. Before I go any further, I'll tell you what I think so far. Your grammar and spelling are almost perfect, and you have a good imagination and you seem to know how you want your story to play out. However, one thing I'm noticing is that your writing tends to be VERY wordy and sometimes purple prosey. One example is the first paragraph in The Storm, in which you describe the electrons in the clouds. I'm going to be frank here when I say I really don't care about what the clouds are doing with that much detail. Just describe, simply, the clouds moving across the sky or a thunderstorm approaching. Once you start adding more and more detail, my mind starts to lose interest and I start skipping ahead because this amount of detail does not appear to be important to the plot. Keep your descriptions nice and simple. Give enough detail to provide an image for the reader, but don't go so overboard that the reader can't understand what is going on anymore. I also had some trouble at the beginning when you used "he" a lot, and I didn't know if you were referring to the creature or the hero. I think you should also break up your paragraphs a little so it is easier to read. I tend to get lost when it is in big chunks. I like to do it in this format (and I'll use your story as an example): [size=1]At first the creature did not notice him, that man who had just shaken time itself by lifting up his head with newfound hope. It stood towering above the fields which he had cleared and seeded, resting after his long day of hard work. (break) It seemed so early for the sunset, but there it went right out of the sky as quickly as a falling butterfly whose wing had been plucked off, and just as sadly. Darkness began to overtake the field... and now the creature knew there was something horribly wrong, it could feel it in the chill that swept up from the cold ground.[/size] It makes the paragraphs smaller and easier to read, and it provides a nice "umph" of conclusion when you are finished talking about the creature, and shifting into talking more about the field. I hope this helped, I will keep reading and tell you what I think when I reach the end. Edited March 25, 2008 by Kitty Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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