apparent Posted April 10, 2008 Posted April 10, 2008 It none of your business My 21 year old is teed off at me because I what to know what she is doing, what are her (away at college) grades, do you need money and that kind of small talk in general, etc. She said I'm 21, you can't boss me around, and I have free will! She even returned the cell phone I got for her and told me to stick it, implying I did it only to control her. ?????? The more I reach out, the worse our relationship (if you could call it that) becomes. We haven't spoken in a long time. She has asked me (by mail) to leave her alone, but I can not stop trying to talk and reason with her. My wife, her mother is on devastated by this, and has difficulty sleeping at night. Is it my business? I'm I wrong to defy her wishes and continue to send messages?
Adrestia Posted April 10, 2008 Posted April 10, 2008 My opinion: yes. Sounds like a good time to ask St. Monica for help. I'll pray for your family.
kujo Posted April 10, 2008 Posted April 10, 2008 Tough call. I think she wants a certain level of independence, and she has that right; however, she should be respectful. I had these bouts with my mom, too. I feel bad about it now. I dunno. Maybe you should try respecting her wishes, unreasonable tough they may be.
CatherineM Posted April 10, 2008 Posted April 10, 2008 I went through that. I just wanted so much to make my own way. My mother and I never had a close relationship. It did pass. She gave me some space. I was paying my own way, so I guess I felt like she didn't have the right to have a say. I'm sure it was very hard on her. I don't have contact with my foster sons. They are 19 and 22, and that's kind of how it works, so I knew that was going to happen. It doesn't make it easier. You don't stop worrying when they turn 18. You may have to just offer this up, and hope that time and distance and maturity will change her mind.
MissScripture Posted April 10, 2008 Posted April 10, 2008 It reminds me of my brother, actually, when he was 24. He never explicitly said any of that to us, but made it clear he though we were about as intelligent as a pile of bread crumbs and wanted us to be out of his life, going so far as to tell my parents not to visit, when they'd be passing by where he was attending grad school. He had/has severe depression, which doesn't really make it hurt less, but at least now we know WHY he is like this. Is there any sort of mental thing that could be wrong with her (like depression or something)? Are you paying for her schooling --or anythign for that matter? It's always been understood with my family that if my parents are paying, then YES, it is their business and yes they have some say in where we go and what we do. When I start paying all on my own, I can do as I please, but as long as they are buttering my bread, they have a say in what goes on. And does she have problems with your wife, too, or is your wife just upset about what is going on between you and your daughter? If it is just you that she's ticked at, I would recommend backing off. If it's both of you, I know my parents just cut way back on their attempts with my brother, telling him that he could come back any time and they love him, but that they weren't going to push the issue. It hurt them a lot (and the rest of the family, as well), but there really IS nothing they could do.
CatholicMax Posted April 10, 2008 Posted April 10, 2008 [quote name='apparent' post='1496055' date='Apr 9 2008, 10:01 PM']It none of your business My 21 year old is teed off at me because I what to know what she is doing, what are her (away at college) grades, do you need money and that kind of small talk in general, etc. She said I'm 21, you can't boss me around, and I have free will! She even returned the cell phone I got for her and told me to stick it, implying I did it only to control her. ?????? The more I reach out, the worse our relationship (if you could call it that) becomes. We haven't spoken in a long time. She has asked me (by mail) to leave her alone, but I can not stop trying to talk and reason with her. My wife, her mother is on devastated by this, and has difficulty sleeping at night. Is it my business? I'm I wrong to defy her wishes and continue to send messages?[/quote] If she cant take your call she can pay her own way in college. where did you send her?
apparent Posted April 10, 2008 Author Posted April 10, 2008 Silence is not golden. She is totally on her own, by her own choosing. I know that the mental and spiritual health for my wife, extended family and me is a horrific and sad burden to carry. I can only guess what my daughter feels, but I know in my heart that it is unhealthy.
hoosieranna Posted April 10, 2008 Posted April 10, 2008 Prayers. I've had some blazing rows with my dad in the past. Thankfully, we're still fairly close. I don't have an opinion. Just wanted to let you know that there are folks praying for the situation.
Deb Posted April 10, 2008 Posted April 10, 2008 (edited) I was horrible to my parents when I was younger and the less time I spent with them the better. Now we are very very close. I would just let her be and when she needs you, she will come. She obviously has some issues and you can't force her to deal with them. If this change came on very suddenly though, I would question why she so badly wants you out of her life. That was how I changed when I started doing drugs and knew what I would hear. I don't want to alarm you on that but, you can't do anything about whatever is going on in her life. No one could with me. If she is 21 and living on her own and paying her own way in life. She has the right to live however she wants. Edited April 10, 2008 by Deb
MissScripture Posted April 10, 2008 Posted April 10, 2008 [quote name='apparent' post='1496199' date='Apr 10 2008, 07:15 AM']Silence is not golden. She is totally on her own, by her own choosing. I know that the mental and spiritual health for my wife, extended family and me is a horrific and sad burden to carry. I can only guess what my daughter feels, but I know in my heart that it is unhealthy.[/quote] As a little sister it hurt a lot, I can't imagine how much it hurts as a parent. Prayers for you and your family, especially your daughter.
Lil Red Posted April 10, 2008 Posted April 10, 2008 [quote name='Deb' post='1496242' date='Apr 10 2008, 07:35 AM']I would just let her be and when she needs you, she will come. She obviously has some issues and you can't force her to deal with them. If she is 21 and living on her own and paying her own way in life. She has the right to live however she wants.[/quote] +J.M.J.+ i agree with deb here. by you constantly seeking her and trying to be a part of her life, you are driving her further away. and i want to be honest here with everyone. maybe there are legitimate reasons his daughter wants no part of her family. because his daughter doesn't post here, we don't know all the sides of the story. we are only getting one side.
praying4carmel Posted April 10, 2008 Posted April 10, 2008 [quote name='apparent' post='1496055' date='Apr 10 2008, 01:01 AM']It none of your business My 21 year old is teed off at me because I what to know what she is doing, what are her (away at college) grades, do you need money and that kind of small talk in general, etc. She said I'm 21, you can't boss me around, and I have free will! She even returned the cell phone I got for her and told me to stick it, implying I did it only to control her. ?????? The more I reach out, the worse our relationship (if you could call it that) becomes. We haven't spoken in a long time. She has asked me (by mail) to leave her alone, but I can not stop trying to talk and reason with her. My wife, her mother is on devastated by this, and has difficulty sleeping at night. Is it my business? I'm I wrong to defy her wishes and continue to send messages?[/quote]
praying4carmel Posted April 10, 2008 Posted April 10, 2008 [quote name='apparent' post='1496055' date='Apr 10 2008, 01:01 AM']It none of your business My 21 year old is teed off at me because I what to know what she is doing, what are her (away at college) grades, do you need money and that kind of small talk in general, etc. She said I'm 21, you can't boss me around, and I have free will! She even returned the cell phone I got for her and told me to stick it, implying I did it only to control her. ?????? The more I reach out, the worse our relationship (if you could call it that) becomes. We haven't spoken in a long time. She has asked me (by mail) to leave her alone, but I can not stop trying to talk and reason with her. My wife, her mother is on devastated by this, and has difficulty sleeping at night. Is it my business? I'm I wrong to defy her wishes and continue to send messages?[/quote] Sorry..it got screwey there for a minute and I got a Flood control warning.. From Personal Experience..unfortunately.. Is this a fairly Recent Phenomenon? Or has she been rebellious before? If it is recent you may have an underlying substance abuse problem going on. if you suspect this then I would recommend Al-Anon Family services for yourself, and your marital pertner. You will not be able to do anything but take care of yourself for awhile. Trying to Change things will only make it worse. If you do not suspect that then then opnly thing I can say is give space..it will help..Pray to monica and ask our Lord for Patience. You are in my prayers.
prose Posted April 10, 2008 Posted April 10, 2008 Your post is vague, so I am going to play the other side for a minute: Have you done anything to cause this behavior? Is there legitimate reason that she wants no contact? If so, then you need to back off and let her heal. Even if you haven't, she is paying for herself and living on her own, and is a fully grown adult. If she is choosing to not have you in her life, you need to respect that just as you would with any other adult. It may not be to your liking, but that is the way it needs to be.
Madame Vengier Posted April 11, 2008 Posted April 11, 2008 She sounds like a self-involved brat. Maybe its justified, maybe not. I don't know you or your wife so I can't say. But she IS 21 and if she wants freedom from you, then give it to her. Just let her go. At the very least she can learn a valuable lesson about how very difficult it is to fend for oneself in life with no one to cover for you or bail you out. Let her go. Give her the freedom to make or break her own life. You have to do it some time, right? Why not now?
Madame Vengier Posted April 11, 2008 Posted April 11, 2008 [quote name='Lil Red' post='1496382' date='Apr 10 2008, 12:09 PM']+J.M.J.+ i agree with deb here. by you constantly seeking her and trying to be a part of her life, you are driving her further away. and i want to be honest here with everyone. maybe there are legitimate reasons his daughter wants no part of her family. because his daughter doesn't post here, we don't know all the sides of the story. we are only getting one side.[/quote] Yah, I totally agree. I have a friend who is one of 5 children of her parents (the kids are products of the dad's two marriages and one non-married relationship...so the 5 kids have 3 different mothers). Even though my friend had the most stable home life of the 5 kids, the parents have managed to offend and alienate ALL OF THE KIDS. How can that be?? Five kids who are all so different. But the one thing they have in common is a father and step-mothers who are worthless at parenting. And the parents BLAME the kids. Shocking. I know the family, so I know the kids are in the right on this. All I'm saying is yes...parents can alienate their kids, the kids react with anger and rebellion...and then the parents are the ones who look like the victim while the kids are the guilty ones. Society all too often automatically casts blame on the kids without knowing any details of the parents' behavior.
Lil Red Posted April 11, 2008 Posted April 11, 2008 [quote name='Madame Vengier' post='1497077' date='Apr 11 2008, 08:06 AM']All I'm saying is yes...parents can alienate their kids, the kids react with anger and rebellion...and then the parents are the ones who look like the victim while the kids are the guilty ones. Society all too often automatically casts blame on the kids without knowing any details of the parents' behavior.[/quote] +J.M.J.+ thanks, that's precisely what i was getting at.
apparent Posted April 12, 2008 Author Posted April 12, 2008 [quote name='Lil Red' post='1496382' date='Apr 10 2008, 02:09 PM']+J.M.J.+ i agree with deb here. by you constantly seeking her and trying to be a part of her life, you are driving her further away. and i want to be honest here with everyone. maybe there are legitimate reasons his daughter wants no part of her family. because his daughter doesn't post here, we don't know all the sides of the story. we are only getting one side.[/quote] All I can say is that my daughter was raised in catholic home in an honorably way. Her brothers are both well adjusted young men. We all lived clean wholesome lives, attended mass weekly and participated often in catholic community activities. Letting go is not really the issue here. My immediate and extended family members have not conspired against this daughter who wants no part of her family. All are good people, all are my friends, and all pretend that nothing is amiss and avoid the subject of my child. I can not pretend that she, my only daughter doesn't matter! I have to go with my gut. Lord god forgive me if I'm wrong. Do parental rights end at 21? Does the forth commandment say; Honor your father and your mother, until the age of 21
Socrates Posted April 12, 2008 Posted April 12, 2008 (edited) While I'm not a family counselor, and I don't know the whole story, from what you say it sounds like your daughter is being a disgusting, disrespectful little brat. There is such a thing as being over-nosey and over-involved, but there's nothing wrong with keeping in touch with your daughter to a certain degree. And her blatant disrespect is a direct contradiction to the Fourth Commandment. Are you paying for your daughters college tuition, room and board, etc.? If so, you can tell her that if she's such a grown-up independent woman, she can pay her own way without your help, and refuse to continue paying for her education until she shows some basic respect. I know that may sound harsh, but I think it's a needed lesson. It is wrong that she should depend on her parents for support, yet treat them with total disrespect. It is disgusting how many kids now think they're entitled to everything, yet owe nothing in return. Edited April 12, 2008 by Socrates
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