A Concern About Catholic "dating" Websites

[picchick]

[quote name='Augustine of Hippo' post='1737465' date='Dec 29 2008, 12:52 AM']Actually, I am from a small town, so it isn't difficult to access that there is no one near my age who is not married and interested in dating. I am the child of a single mother myself, so my parents... I don't know my father. I never like the term "hiding behind a computer screen". I do an immense amount of pro-life work from behind a computer screen. Back to your original point, I would rather be single than move, so don't even throw out the Why don't you move? argument. I can't tolerate suburbia in any way shape or fashion. Sorry, I am one of those small town hobbits... can't get away from the trees and tall buildings make me uneasy.[/quote]

I am sorry...what I meant about hiding behind a computer screen are the people who refuse to go out and find someone. They rather text, IM and what not because they are able to communicate better that way. They cannot hold a conversation in person.

I am not thowing the why don't you move argument because I would never argue that. I really don't think that ANYONE should move because there is no one in their city/town/wherever to date. That is ridiculous. However, there are times when you can get out and by out I mean take a day trip somewhere and just meet people.

Maybe I am just a freak but I randomly start conversations with people.

Oh by the way, I am not in anyway meaning to offend you. I am just kinda fed up with people coming on phatmass and saying, "IS THERE ANYONE OUT THERE????" "I can't find anyone." Well yeah...duh...people are out there. ANd the kind you want too. You just have to look.

"I am looking."
Well, then maybe you need to change where you are looking...how you are looking.

Life is so busy now. I didn't realize how busy adult life could be. When I sit back just to breath and smell the roses I meet the dateable people.

Edited December 29, 2008 by picchick

[Tinkerlina]

[quote name='picchick' post='1737527' date='Dec 29 2008, 03:10 AM']I am sorry...what I meant about hiding behind a computer screen are the people who refuse to go out and find someone. They rather text, IM and what not because they are able to communicate better that way. They cannot hold a conversation in person.

I am not thowing the why don't you move argument because I would never argue that. I really don't think that ANYONE should move because there is no one in their city/town/wherever to date. That is ridiculous. However, there are times when you can get out and by out I mean take a day trip somewhere and just meet people.

Maybe I am just a freak but I randomly start conversations with people.[/quote]

You have a good point but I will say that, for myself (and I can only speak for myself) sometimes it is easier to communicate online/by text etc than in person. It is really hard to approach people sometimes, especially when it comes to seeking out someone to date! Sometimes it is easier to talk online, it feels less awkward to soem degree, though I never had any luck on the dating site I tried personally. But I do think you're right-getting out is definitely going to make you come in contact with more people-it's just talking to them that can be tough. -Katie

[Hassan]

[quote name='CatherineM' post='1736708' date='Dec 28 2008, 12:20 AM']My husband was on for 2 years before he met me. He had lots of un-returned emails. Politeness would be to at least tell someone you aren't interested, but when you are busy, and have dozens of inquiries, politeness may seem expendable. I returned every email, and explained why I wasn't interested, such as they smoked, or believed in contraception. Perhaps you are just contacting the wrong women. Perhaps you need to re-evaluate what your idea of acceptable beauty is. I am as far away form being any man's ideal of a beautiful woman. I'm a frumpy, middle-aged, disabled woman who walks with a crutch. Most men wouldn't give me a second glance. My husband is the kind of man who is willing to look past that.[/quote]

You have to phrase things better. Your not grumpy, you've got spunk, and it's not a crutch, it's an anti mugger attatchment

I can't imagain using a webservice. It's not that I think I'm somehow "above it" or anything like that, I'm just somewhat old fashoned and it would never occur to me. I don;t know. I just kind of find this thread in general interesting.

of course I'm 19 and always viewed such things as for people of more advanced age.

it's cool you met your husband that way

[CatherineM]

[quote name='Hassan' post='1737535' date='Dec 29 2008, 01:28 AM']You have to phrase things better. Your not grumpy, you've got spunk, and it's not a crutch, it's an anti mugger attatchment

I can't imagain using a webservice. It's not that I think I'm somehow "above it" or anything like that, I'm just somewhat old fashoned and it would never occur to me. I don;t know. I just kind of find this thread in general interesting.

of course I'm 19 and always viewed such things as for people of more advanced age.

it's cool you met your husband that way [/quote]

I said frumpy, not grumpy, although I am that too.

I was like you, I couldn't imagine internet dating. I was at a vocational retreat, and one of the monks suggested Ave Maria. I actually told him he was nuts. He told me to look around at mass on Sunday and see how many men were there my age. So I did. There were two. One was married with many children, and the other was the presiding priest. I got the hint quick.

There would have been no other way for me to have met my husband, although there was a time 25 years ago when we were going to school close by each other. We are so well suited for each other, that it is kind of freaky. We've only had one real disagreement in 3 years. They told me that I had to be open to the Holy Spirit guiding me to where I needed to be. I do wish the Holy Spirit had guided me somewhere a tad warmer. I didn't even know where Alberta was when I met him. When he told me north of Montana, I kind of dropped the phone.

[StColette]

[quote name='cmotherofpirl' post='1736775' date='Dec 28 2008, 09:36 AM']There are plenty of other places to meet catholic women. [/quote]

lol Like Phatmass, Church, Catholic Colleges, Pro-life rallies, etc.

[rachael]

[quote name='picchick' post='1737448' date='Dec 29 2008, 01:12 AM']Have you tried Church? They ARE there. Not the ones you call pseudo-Catholic. REAL catholics. I see them. But you know what? People write them off. "Oh they are going to become a nun. Oh they are going to become a priest." Just because someone sits in a pew does not mean they have a vocation to the priesthood/religious life. Have you asked women out? Randomly...without questioning anything else. "Hey I saw you in Church the past couple of days and I would like to know if next week you would like to do coffee after Mass." Wow....so who cares if you have no clue if they are "pseudo-Catholic". And in fact, what is wrong with those who are. If you are concerned with it, try evangelizing.

I think that sometimes, people are being too closed minded about who they are dating. There are requirements of course. And if you don't want those requirements to budge then you have to deal with the repercussions of those requirements or modify. Am I saying modify? No. I am saying do whatever you please.

Honestly...how did our parents meet? How did our grandparents meet? How did people meet without the internet? Yeah times are different but you still meet people. We are driven by an internet world. People spend more time sitting in front of a tv or computer screen rather than going out.

Me...I am never internet dating. I have tried twice. No thanks. I will meet my men in the real world so that I can see them and pick things up face to face or on the phone. Not hiding behind computer screens. If that means that I will be single my whole life...so be it.[/quote]


[quote name='Tinkerlina' post='1737530' date='Dec 29 2008, 03:15 AM']You have a good point but I will say that, for myself (and I can only speak for myself) sometimes it is easier to communicate online/by text etc than in person. It is really hard to approach people sometimes, especially when it comes to seeking out someone to date! Sometimes it is easier to talk online, it feels less awkward to soem degree, though I never had any luck on the dating site I tried personally. But I do think you're right-getting out is definitely going to make you come in contact with more people-it's just talking to them that can be tough. -Katie[/quote]
It can be hard to approach people, but over time...it somehow becomes a little bit easier. Life may seem easier behind a computer screen, but cannot simply sit behind a screen to enjoy life. I dunno, I just agree with picchick on this one. I'd rather go single my whole life than to use the internet to find someone...Or even if I was using the internet to find someone, I wouldn't count on it for everything, and I'd certainly be very patient, like CatherineM. ...

[CatherineM]

[quote name='rachael' post='1737971' date='Dec 29 2008, 04:37 PM']and I'd certainly be very patient, like CatherineM. ... [/quote]

That doesn't mean everyone should wait until they are 43 to marry. That would lead to serious population control.

[rachael]

[quote name='CatherineM' post='1738023' date='Dec 29 2008, 07:30 PM']That doesn't mean everyone should wait until they are 43 to marry. That would lead to serious population control.[/quote]
yes.

[MissyP89]

[quote name='BG45']I met a nice Catholic girl on a Protestant website...that said, you're only the second person I've heard about AMS from, so I don't really have an opinion on it.[/quote]

And let us just say that the nice Baptist boy I met (I am the nice Catholic girl he mentions) is now in RCIA.

It's not impossible. Keep your eyes open and pray, don't be afraid to be flexible. We didn't mean to end up what we are; like Meg says below I had NO intentions of dating online. God had other ideas. We're 300 miles apart, but happy. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices. Have faith.

[quote name='picchick']Me...I am never internet dating. I have tried twice. No thanks. I will meet my men in the real world so that I can see them and pick things up face to face or on the phone. Not hiding behind computer screens. If that means that I will be single my whole life...so be it.[/quote]

Don't blame you at all on this--I won't lie, it's not easy. But I can sympathize with Augustine, too--I'm in college and the one Catholic guy I've met in real life goes to my parish and has a vocation to the religious life. As I want to be a wife and mother, that was problematic. It's extremely difficult to find a truly orthodox Catholic these days. If you really want to look, it's probably best to consider the internet as well as the usual places.

And even if you DO find someone that's orthodox, it's still no guarantee. Orthodoxy doesn't mean compatibility.

Edited December 30, 2008 by MissyP89

[Tinkerlina]

[quote name='rachael' post='1737971' date='Dec 29 2008, 06:37 PM']


It can be hard to approach people, but over time...it somehow becomes a little bit easier. Life may seem easier behind a computer screen, but cannot simply sit behind a screen to enjoy life. I dunno, I just agree with picchick on this one. I'd rather go single my whole life than to use the internet to find someone...Or even if I was using the internet to find someone, I wouldn't count on it for everything, and I'd certainly be very patient, like CatherineM. ... [/quote]

No you guys are both right I'm just horrible at real life Katie

[Socrates]

[quote name='Augustine of Hippo' post='1736682' date='Dec 27 2008, 11:27 PM']I sent the following email to Ave Maria Singles website this evening. I have been a member of that site since last spring/ late summer and was not pleased with it from the beginning. I asked for a refund, even demanded a refund, but was told to be patient. Months went by and I gradually got involved in the site forum, as this was supposed to be a forum for Catholics. I thought that I might meet some interesting Catholics, share some views and who knows, maybe meet someone special. Nothing of the sort happened. When I even questioned the site itself, I was banned. I do not reccomend Ave Maria Singles regardless of who may endorse it. Take it from someone who used the site for the better part of a year. The site is not as advertised and not a community for Catholic to meet under any circumstances and the price of joining the site was way too high. It was like paying a big ticket to get into a party, only to find out that there was no one else in the room. Below is what I just wrote to them and below that is what they wrote to me earlier.


The guy essentially calls me a jerk and then offers me a blessing. I like the irony![/quote]
I'd been a member of Ave Maria Singles for the better part of eight years (not always particularly actively), so I feel your pain bro, but I have found a wonderful Catholic woman on there ("Bubblicious").
I also personally know a number of people who have found their spouses on Ave Maria. Using the site may not work for everybody, but there are no guarantees in life (nor when you sign up on Ave Maria). If I recall, Anthony Buono himself has frequently stated that it may take several years to find the right person.
And yes, Ave Maria Singles is a business, like any other paid website. If he offered full refunds for every impatient person who didn't find a spouse within a few months, Mr. Buono, his wife, and their kids would all be out on the streets.
No such promise was made, and such demands are silly and foolish to an extreme.
Finding a woman's not something that's just going to happen if you simply pay someone a certain sum of money (at least not in Christian circles), and if you were so naive as to think that, then shame on you.

Obviously, I can't speak as to the circumstances of your being banned, but if you were using the forums there to spread this kind of slander against Mr. Buono as you are doing here, quite frankly, I'm not surprised you were banned. Slander and calumny is certainly not Christian, and certainly has no place on a site dedicated to building Catholic marriages.
People get banned from web message boards all the time if they don't follow guidelines, or become excessively obnoxious, including Phatmass (I've been suspended myself.) Forum moderators can sometimes have bad judgment, but that's human nature. And using a forum to publicly slander the site's owner isn't usually a way to win hospitable treatment.

[quote]Anthony Buono is in the business of marketing hope and preying upon peoples loneliness and offering nothing in return.[/quote]And I thought that was Obama's business!

Seriously, though, what was Mr. Buono supposed to "offer you in return"? Did you want [i]him[/i] to marry you? Was he supposed to personally find and give you a bride just because you paid him whatever he's charging nowadays?
Now that would be creepy (and highly suspect)!
And making such a demand is likewise creepy (and highly unlikely to win you much adulation from the ladies).

[quote]I will make known my experience with your website and let others know that they should not join Ave Maria Singles. It is not a Catholic website. It is not a Christian website. It is yet another website peddling the possibility of spouse and offering nothing new or original in the way of making that possible. Good day![/quote]
Buddy, if you want a possibility of a spouse, you're going to have to put some work into it yourself. Neither Anthony Buono nor anyone else is going to be able to "get you a wife," nor make any woman like, much less marry, you.

Mr. Buono cannot control the behavior of the women who choose to join his website any more than he can control your own behavior.
And yes, the behavior of many of them (as is the behavior of many in "real life") can leave something to be desired. That's life. Forget them and move on to someone else. I seriously doubt you have contacted every eligible woman on that site.

If you are indeed 35 years old, and have not yet figured out such basic rules of life, perhaps there is a reason women are uninterested in you (in addition to the unstable, whiny and petulant attitude you have displayed on phatmass).

And for whatever else one may say for or against AMS, the site itself certainly cannot be claimed to be "not Christian" and "not Catholic." AMS is arguably the most Catholic "dating" site in existence, and steps are taken to encourage Catholic orthodoxy among its members.
No, not all members may be perfectly in accord with Church teaching, but at least you can easily identify such persons in their profile (much easier to do than in "real life"), and you can easily eliminate heterodox Catholics, or those divorced, etc. from your online searches.
From my experience, the majority of women on there are orthodox Catholics, so claiming there's "no one else in the room" is just blatantly false and absurd.
You don't have to date, or even contact, unorthodox members, and after all, your goal isn't to marry every single woman on the site, so crying foul because there are less than perfect Catholics existing on AMS is just silly!
Again, no one can control the behavior of the AMS members, or keep the site entirely free of all sin. There are means of reporting fraudulent or other blatantly objectionable behavior from members, and they will be dealt with. (And no, refusing to date you is not grounds for dismissal.)

You may or may not find a wife on AMS (or anywhere else, for that matter). But that's between you, the ladies, and God.

In the mean time, I think you need to take a chill pill, and grow up a little.

God bless.

Edited December 30, 2008 by Socrates

[rachael]

[Maggyie]

[quote name='Tinkerlina' post='1738100' date='Dec 29 2008, 08:37 PM']No you guys are both right I'm just horrible at real life Katie[/quote]

If you're horrible at life I'm ten times worse, I have never been good at the just starting a conversation kind of thing... everybody says to do that, well how is that supposed to work? I'm just more reserved I guess? And when I do it's not exactly like they fall at my feet. I don't know, I must be really ugly or something or have a lousy personality. Awkward, for sure. I do have a great body so if I dress provocatively I DO get a lot of attention. The wrong kind of course. But sometimes I am tempted to do so because it just... feels good to get noticed [i]at all. [/i] Even if the guy is not a good man.

Ironically w/ regard to this thread my sister gifted me a subscription to AMS this Christmas... we'll see if it's worth the money...

[Tinkerlina]

[quote name='Maggie' post='1738194' date='Dec 29 2008, 09:24 PM']If you're horrible at life I'm ten times worse, I have never been good at the just starting a conversation kind of thing... everybody says to do that, well how is that supposed to work? I'm just more reserved I guess? And when I do it's not exactly like they fall at my feet. I don't know, I must be really ugly or something or have a lousy personality. Awkward, for sure. I do have a great body so if I dress provocatively I DO get a lot of attention. The wrong kind of course. But sometimes I am tempted to do so because it just... feels good to get noticed [i]at all. [/i] Even if the guy is not a good man.

Ironically w/ regard to this thread my sister gifted me a subscription to AMS this Christmas... we'll see if it's worth the money...[/quote]

Haha I don't know. I'm sure you're not ugly! I don't really think anyone I've ever seen is truly ugly-I can always find something totally awesome about someone! I don't know, it seems like even boyfriends of friends are repelled by me-all guys in general. I guess I'm just not that likable, at least by guys. It definitely would be tempting to dress provacatively-I wouldn't know b/c my body is um, less than amazing! But I can see where it would be. Too much attention isn't cool but feeling hated is worse. -Katie

[Socrates]

[quote name='picchick' post='1737448' date='Dec 29 2008, 01:12 AM']Have you tried Church? They ARE there. Not the ones you call pseudo-Catholic. REAL catholics. I see them. But you know what? People write them off. "Oh they are going to become a nun. Oh they are going to become a priest." Just because someone sits in a pew does not mean they have a vocation to the priesthood/religious life. Have you asked women out? Randomly...without questioning anything else. "Hey I saw you in Church the past couple of days and I would like to know if next week you would like to do coffee after Mass." Wow....so who cares if you have no clue if they are "pseudo-Catholic". And in fact, what is wrong with those who are. If you are concerned with it, try evangelizing.

I think that sometimes, people are being too closed minded about who they are dating. There are requirements of course. And if you don't want those requirements to budge then you have to deal with the repercussions of those requirements or modify. Am I saying modify? No. I am saying do whatever you please.

Honestly...how did our parents meet? How did our grandparents meet? How did people meet without the internet? Yeah times are different but you still meet people. We are driven by an internet world. People spend more time sitting in front of a tv or computer screen rather than going out.

Me...I am never internet dating. I have tried twice. No thanks. I will meet my men in the real world so that I can see them and pick things up face to face or on the phone. Not hiding behind computer screens. If that means that I will be single my whole life...so be it.[/quote]
The goal of "online dating" is simply to find people to meet "in real life" - not to spend one's life "hiding behind a computer screen."
The website profile, etc. are simply a first step. "Online dating" should never be a substitute for the real deal - merely a means of facilitating actual real-life meetings.

And I think the reality is it can be harder to finds eligible Catholic people in today's world.

Like everything else, "online dating" has its advantages and disadvantages, and may not be for everybody. (I tended to be skeptical for a long time myself.)
It shouldn't be used as a way to avoid meeting people in "real life," but can be one more tool in one's search - one that may or may not prove fruitful.

I think some people attach too much undue stigma to meeting people online - I really don't think it's any more shameful than meeting people at bars or clubs (especially if you live in a place where the bar/club scene is less than savory).