Stay At Home Moms?

[homeschoolmom]

[quote name='Lil Red' post='1870315' date='May 18 2009, 03:40 PM']+J.M.J.+
this thread pisses me off. a lot of judgmental posts. ya know, some moms can't stay home because they are the primary breadwinner - they would love to but can't. but according to many of you, she's doing her children an injustice. sorry for being poor.[/quote]
Oh don't worry Red, no matter what you do, it's the "wrong thing." People are judgemental of women either way-- either they don't care about their kids or they are lazy and wasting their education. (It's always one extreme or the other, right?) There are never threads about men on this.

[Lil Red]

[quote name='homeschoolmom' post='1870321' date='May 18 2009, 01:45 PM']Oh don't worry Red, no matter what you do, it's the "wrong thing." People are judgemental of women either way-- either they don't care about their kids or they are lazy and wasting their education. (It's always one extreme or the other, right?) There are never threads about men on this. [/quote]
+J.M.J.+
pretty much.

[cmotherofpirl]

[quote name='Lil Red' post='1870315' date='May 18 2009, 04:40 PM']+J.M.J.+
this thread pisses me off. a lot of judgmental posts. ya know, some moms can't stay home because they are the primary breadwinner - they would love to but can't. but according to many of you, she's doing her children an injustice. sorry for being poor.[/quote]
Red I don't think these posts directed to the people who have to work, but mainly to those people who have a choice in matter. Most of us don't

[dominicansoul]

i don't think it matters who stays home with the kids, what matters is that the children are being raised by their own parents and not by strangers.

Also children need a sense of the family dynamic. too many are being forced to grow up too fast, where they take care of their own needs until mom and pop come home from work...

but even more important, is their religious education, in that the parents are the primary educators.

in families where both parents are forced to work in order to keep up with the needs of the family, placing the children in the care of other family members is the best thing. at the same time, i think families should re-evaluate what is most important, and if one parent working will suffice, the other shouldn't. Remember that God is generous when we seek to do what is right above all. He will provide...

[Lil Red]

[quote name='homeschoolmom' post='1870321' date='May 18 2009, 01:45 PM']People are judgemental of women either way-- either they don't care about their kids or they are lazy and wasting their education. (It's always one extreme or the other, right?)[/quote]
+J.M.J.+
or you don't trust God.

[dominicansoul]

...another thing that comes to mind...

[i]love demands sacrifice[/i] so if both parents are working to keep the boat, or take vacations every year, perhaps that should wait until the children are a bit older and not when they are newborn/toddlers...

nothing is more valuable to a child then the care and upbringing it receives from it's own parent, the time spent together is priceless, and that time will never come back again...(it also goes way too fast...they'll be old enough to leave you alone and wishing you had spent more time with them...)

[MithLuin]

There is certainly value in a parent staying home with a child, but reality often throws trials in our path that make that scenario impossible.

In the current climate, many people are out of work, so in order to just maintain their living situation, both parents would have to find some temporary work to pay the bills. Certainly, no one considers them to be bad people for working to feed their children and keep a roof over their heads.

My brother-in-law will shortly be deployed as a US Marine in Iraq. He will leave home my sister and their one-year-old daughter for a period of 8-9 months (assuming, of course, that he survives and comes home at all). Is it ideal for a husband and father to seemingly walk away from his family for that length of time? Of course not. Is it possible for my sister to follow him to keep the family together? Also, of course not. He chose to re-up so he could support his family...and so my sister could stay home with their daughter. Doesn't mean that's really the best thing for their family - but it was the decision they made, and of course they will make the most of it, as do all military families.

[Christie_M]

[quote name='dominicansoul' post='1870344' date='May 18 2009, 02:28 PM']i don't think it matters who stays home with the kids, what matters is that the children are being raised by their own parents and not by strangers.

Also children need a sense of the family dynamic. too many are being forced to grow up too fast, where they take care of their own needs until mom and pop come home from work...

but even more important, is their religious education, in that the parents are the primary educators.

in families where both parents are forced to work in order to keep up with the needs of the family, placing the children in the care of other family members is the best thing. at the same time, i think families should re-evaluate what is most important, and if one parent working will suffice, the other shouldn't. Remember that God is generous when we seek to do what is right above all. He will provide...[/quote]
I agree with your post.
For the first few years of my life (new born to about 4 years old) I was pretty much raised by my babysitter and her family. Unfortunaly we needed both my parents' income to support our family, so my siblings and I pretty much lived with them, and on some days when my parents had to work overtime, we'd even stay at their house for more then a few days at at time, which had a *small* affect for me--meaning that I developed an anxiety/phobia of being abondoned by my parents.
So I'm one of those people who really thinks that a stay at home mom/dad should be a priority to the family.

[MithLuin]

Oh, and I forgot to add, that in pre-Industrial societies, it was often possible for women to add to the support of the family (ie, make some income) while remaining at home. Many home trades and agriculture being the obvious ways in which one would do this. So, having women work to earn their bread is nothing new - it's just that in our society, you have to do it outside the home more, creating a conflict of interests to be resolved.



Oh, and my grandmother was dumped off at an orphange (despite both of her parents being alive) from the age of 1-5, before her aunt took her in and raised her. So, um, there are always non-ideal situations, and there are levels of irresponsible parenting. Being a working mom is [i]not[/i] the dregs.

Edited May 18, 2009 by MithLuin

[MissScripture]

[quote name='homeschoolmom' post='1870321' date='May 18 2009, 03:45 PM']Oh don't worry Red, no matter what you do, it's the "wrong thing." People are judgemental of women either way-- either they don't care about their kids or they are lazy and wasting their education. (It's always one extreme or the other, right?) There are never threads about men on this. [/quote]
I think we had one once about if men could stay home with the kids, and it was pretty informative. I think it "decided" that it was sinful for a man to stay home.

[quote name='dominicansoul' post='1870344' date='May 18 2009, 04:28 PM']i don't think it matters who stays home with the kids, what matters is that the children are being raised by their own parents and not by strangers.

Also children need a sense of the family dynamic. too many are being forced to grow up too fast, where they take care of their own needs until mom and pop come home from work...

but even more important, is their religious education, in that the parents are the primary educators.

in families where both parents are forced to work in order to keep up with the needs of the family, placing the children in the care of other family members is the best thing. at the same time, i think families should re-evaluate what is most important, and if one parent working will suffice, the other shouldn't. Remember that God is generous when we seek to do what is right above all. He will provide...[/quote]
Now, I didn't have to go to daycare full time, because my mom only worked part time, so we went about 3 days a week, and only for about 4-5 hours, but the only babysitter I remember was "Grandma Marge." She was not my grandma, but she cared for her own grandkids, and the rest of us just picked up the name from them. She really was like a grandma, though, so it was something we looked forward to. So, I guess I'd say that if you have to have your kids in daycare, its important to find a good daycare.

[quote name='Christie_M' post='1870471' date='May 18 2009, 07:18 PM']I agree with your post.
For the first few years of my life (new born to about 4 years old) I was pretty much raised by my babysitter and her family. Unfortunaly we needed both my parents' income to support our family, so my siblings and I pretty much lived with them, and on some days when my parents had to work overtime, we'd even stay at their house for more then a few days at at time, which had a *small* affect for me--meaning that I developed an anxiety/phobia of being abondoned by my parents.
So I'm one of those people who really thinks that a stay at home mom/dad should be a priority to the family.[/quote]


When we were little, if we were at daycare and my dad had to work late, his boss's wife would pick us up and take us to their house until my dad was done. But that was rare.

[CatherineM]

[quote name='MithLuin' post='1870475' date='May 18 2009, 06:19 PM']Oh, and I forgot to add, that in pre-Industrial societies, it was often possible for women to add to the support of the family (ie, make some income) while remaining at home. Many home trades and agriculture being the obvious ways in which one would do this. So, having women work to earn their bread is nothing new - it's just that in our society, you have to do it outside the home more, creating a conflict of interests to be resolved.[/quote]

My grandmother called that her butter and egg money. She was always churning butter. When my grandfather retired, he started following her from room to room, so she went and got a job at a department store in the hosiery and jewelry department to get out of the house.

[Christie_M]

[quote name='MissScripture' post='1870484' date='May 18 2009, 05:36 PM']I think we had one once about if men could stay home with the kids, and it was pretty informative. I think it "decided" that it was sinful for a man to stay home. [/quote]
it's sinful for the dad to stay at home?



[quote name='MissScripture' post='1870484' date='May 18 2009, 05:36 PM']Now, I didn't have to go to daycare full time, because my mom only worked part time, so we went about 3 days a week, and only for about 4-5 hours, but the only babysitter I remember was "Grandma Marge." She was not my grandma, but she cared for her own grandkids, and the rest of us just picked up the name from them. She really was like a grandma, though, so it was something we looked forward to. So, I guess I'd say that if you have to have your kids in daycare, its important to find a good daycare.




When we were little, if we were at daycare and my dad had to work late, his boss's wife would pick us up and take us to their house until my dad was done. But that was rare.[/quote]

Good daycare is really important.
We called our babysitter "Mommy Carmen" Besides caring for her 4 children and my siblings and I, she also had about 3 other children she babysat (She's a foster mom now ).

[CatherineM]

[quote name='Christie_M' post='1870530' date='May 18 2009, 07:30 PM']it's sinful for the dad to stay at home?[/quote]

I wish my dad had been the one to stay home rather than my mom.

[Christie_M]

[quote name='CatherineM' post='1870532' date='May 18 2009, 06:41 PM']I wish my dad had been the one to stay home rather than my mom.[/quote]
That bad?

I liked it when my dad was finally able to stay with us (except for the part of his illness not letting him work) Although even after 3 daughters and 4 years of practice, he still wasn't able to comb our hair with out getting the brush stuck in it!

[RezaMikhaeil]

Red... you're taking this serious...kinda makes me laugh cause I used to get offended like that, but worse.

Reza

[CatherineM]

[quote name='Christie_M' post='1870548' date='May 18 2009, 08:05 PM']That bad?

I liked it when my dad was finally able to stay with us (except for the part of his illness not letting him work) Although even after 3 daughters and 4 years of practice, he still wasn't able to comb our hair with out getting the brush stuck in it! [/quote]

My mom is basically incapable of expressing emotion. My dad was our nurturer. He was also lots more fun.

[virginiancatholic]

[quote name='dominicansoul' post='1870344' date='May 18 2009, 04:28 PM']in families where both parents are forced to work in order to keep up with the needs of the family, placing the children in the care of other family members is the best thing. at the same time, i think families should re-evaluate what is most important, and if one parent working will suffice, the other shouldn't. Remember that God is generous when we seek to do what is right above all. He will provide...[/quote]

Unless unless of course your family member is anti-catholic, atheistic, and seeks to indoctrinate your children into the secular mindset from the time they can spit out their Cheerios.

Never meant to say that someone has to stay at home with the kids, or that God will hate you for it, or that they will be tattoo-ridden-pot-smoking-hobos if both parents work. Just that someone (or even both parents) staying at home with the kids during the day or being there before and after school is the ideal. There are many families that have to have both parents working. Furthermore, single parent families obviously need to have someone working which means that the one and only parent has to support the family. Others choose to have both parents working for whatever reason, and they should not be judged as incompetent, selfish, or as unloving parents.

Edited May 19, 2009 by virginiancatholic

[Snowcatpa]

I think some women who would ideally like to stay home full-time (in addition to financial burdens) just have a harder time keeping their sanity doing it. It is a really hard job!

I'm pregnant now and I do want to stay at home with my children; however, I've always been a worker and love the "separation of space" of work life and home life. I'm going to try to keep a part-time job working from home. I've met several other women who love their children very much, but just go insane being stuck in a house with kids all day without some other outlet.

Maybe you can suggest to the women that you date that there are a lot of work from home options in many careers, and if they can't even fathom giving up work that they love that it may be a more feasible option for them to transition to to work from home part-time when they have their kids if they would still like that intellectual and professional stimulation.

[cmotherofpirl]

[quote name='CatherineM' post='1870532' date='May 18 2009, 09:41 PM']I wish my dad had been the one to stay home rather than my mom.[/quote]

I wish I had been in daycare!

[StColette]

I can understands Red distaste for this thread, especially being a working mom of a 7 month old with another on the way. I think the problem lies in how many of the posts have come across. It makes those of us who are working moms feel less than what we are or rather that we are being horrible mothers.

Hearing stories about how kids that go to daycare or don't have one parent stay at home with them turn into anxiety ridden children does not help a working mom in the slightest. If anything it makes her even more worried that she is failing in her duty as a mother and that she is in some way bringing harm to her children. The last thing a mother wants to hear is that she is destroying her children or hurting them in some way. I was very particular when it came to choosing care for Aaron when I had to go back to work. Thank the Lord there's a young homeschooling mom with 3 kids of her own who was willing to keep Aaron for me. She lives right around the corner from where I work. He's in a safe, caring, very Catholic environment where I know he'll thrive and grow since I can't be home with him. I feel at ease knowing that he's in such good hands. I'm sure Red feels the same way about where she has her little one.

I also think some of the posts that say that a lot of the time both parents work so that they can have life's little extras might be a little off base. I know that's not the case with mine and Micah's situation, and I don't believe that's Red's either. Micah and I don't have cable, internet, we don't go out, we don't splurge on expensive things, and we don't have new furniture. In fact, the furniture that we do have was donated to us by parishioners or Micah's parents when we were first married. The only new furniture in the house is baby furniture that was a gift from my dad.

I think something else people should keep in mind is where some of us work. Micah, Red, and I all work for the Church. For those of you that don't know anything about Church wages I can tell you that it's very difficult, if not impossible, to find a Church position that pays a living wage. There's no way we could survive on Micah's or My paycheck alone. We make about the same on paper. But with student loans, medical bills, rent, health insurance (which runs us around $600.00 a month), car insurance, electricity, etc. 25,000 a year would come no where close to covering all of that. We don't live in a fancy place. We do live in an area that is safe, which makes it a little more expensive, but when it's your family's safety at risk you're willing to pay extra. So I think we should all keep in mind what type of jobs people work and what they pay as well as the expenses that some may have that others do not.

The thing I see lacking [b]most[/b] in this thread is support for those moms that do have to work. There's support for the stay at home parent and there seems to be some sense of understanding that in some case both parents have to work. But all in all I have seen a lack of support for moms that have to work. We need that encouragement just like a stay at home mother does and we are in no way less deserving of it.

btw I'm a product of a stay at home disabled father. I'm also the product of a single father who raised me on his own without any support from my mother since age 10. He had no problem teaching me to be a lady because he is a gentleman. Daughters can learn from their fathers how to be ladies.