Stay At Home Moms?

[virginiancatholic]

[quote name='StColette' post='1870850' date='May 19 2009, 09:31 AM']I also think some of the posts that say that a lot of the time both parents work so that they can have life's little extras might be a little off base. I know that's not the case with mine and Micah's situation, and I don't believe that's Red's either. Micah and I don't have cable, internet, we don't go out, we don't splurge on expensive things, and we don't have new furniture. In fact, the furniture that we do have was donated to us by parishioners or Micah's parents when we were first married. The only new furniture in the house is baby furniture that was a gift from my dad.

The thing I see lacking [b]most[/b] in this thread is support for those moms that do have to work. There's support for the stay at home parent and there seems to be some sense of understanding that in some case both parents have to work. But all in all I have seen a lack of support for moms that have to work. We need that encouragement just like a stay at home mother does and we are in no way less deserving of it.

btw I'm a product of a stay at home disabled father. I'm also the product of a single father who raised me on his own without any support from my mother since age 10. He had no problem teaching me to be a lady because he is a gentleman. Daughters can learn from their fathers how to be ladies.[/quote]

Things seem to be very different in the Catholic world at large as opposed to my experience with most of the world thus far. My mother got handed all sorts of horrible jobs from her siblings and various friends cause "she doesn't have a job, therefore she can do this." Staying at home with your children is a hard job...and leaving them in someone else's care so that you can work is probably even harder. I don't think there is any mother who isn't a "working mother." It is excellent that StColette was able to find such a wonderful caretaker who is nearby...I'm sure most folks have a much harder time finding a competent, caring childcare.

I think the point addressed in your first paragraph here is a valid one, though is obviously not true in your position, nor that of many families I've known. I think it was addressing those couples who both make upwards of 75,000 every year, buy a new car every year, go on international vacations, never see their children (or each other for that matter), and have their priorities obviously misaligned.

I think (or at least hope) that most people have supported the idea of staying home with their children on this board without casting judgment or inferiority on working parents. I have the utmost respect for families where both parents work, especially when they have young children, because their job is truly harder. Working a job, taking care of the house, and taking care of the family all at the same time (in addition to being pregnant) deserves a medal.

[Lil Red]

[quote name='StColette' post='1870850' date='May 19 2009, 08:31 AM']I can understands Red distaste for this thread, especially being a working mom of a 7 month old with another on the way. I think the problem lies in how many of the posts have come across. It makes those of us who are working moms feel less than what we are or rather that we are being horrible mothers.

Hearing stories about how kids that go to daycare or don't have one parent stay at home with them turn into anxiety ridden children does not help a working mom in the slightest. If anything it makes her even more worried that she is failing in her duty as a mother and that she is in some way bringing harm to her children. The last thing a mother wants to hear is that she is destroying her children or hurting them in some way. I was very particular when it came to choosing care for Aaron when I had to go back to work. Thank the Lord there's a young homeschooling mom with 3 kids of her own who was willing to keep Aaron for me. She lives right around the corner from where I work. He's in a safe, caring, very Catholic environment where I know he'll thrive and grow since I can't be home with him. I feel at ease knowing that he's in such good hands. I'm sure Red feels the same way about where she has her little one.

I also think some of the posts that say that a lot of the time both parents work so that they can have life's little extras might be a little off base. I know that's not the case with mine and Micah's situation, and I don't believe that's Red's either. Micah and I don't have cable, internet, we don't go out, we don't splurge on expensive things, and we don't have new furniture. In fact, the furniture that we do have was donated to us by parishioners or Micah's parents when we were first married. The only new furniture in the house is baby furniture that was a gift from my dad.

I think something else people should keep in mind is where some of us work. Micah, Red, and I all work for the Church. For those of you that don't know anything about Church wages I can tell you that it's very difficult, if not impossible, to find a Church position that pays a living wage. There's no way we could survive on Micah's or My paycheck alone. We make about the same on paper. But with student loans, medical bills, rent, health insurance (which runs us around $600.00 a month), car insurance, electricity, etc. 25,000 a year would come no where close to covering all of that. We don't live in a fancy place. We do live in an area that is safe, which makes it a little more expensive, but when it's your family's safety at risk you're willing to pay extra. So I think we should all keep in mind what type of jobs people work and what they pay as well as the expenses that some may have that others do not.

The thing I see lacking [b]most[/b] in this thread is support for those moms that do have to work. There's support for the stay at home parent and there seems to be some sense of understanding that in some case both parents have to work. But all in all I have seen a lack of support for moms that have to work. We need that encouragement just like a stay at home mother does and we are in no way less deserving of it.

btw I'm a product of a stay at home disabled father. I'm also the product of a single father who raised me on his own without any support from my mother since age 10. He had no problem teaching me to be a lady because he is a gentleman. Daughters can learn from their fathers how to be ladies.[/quote]
+J.M.J.+
Amen!

[homeschoolmom]

The one recommendation that I have for working mothers with small children-- please try to find a consistant care-giver. I worked in a daycare center (a chain) right out of college and the turnover there is very high. (I only worked there four months.) Consistant care is important if it can't be mom or dad.

[Lil Red]

+J.M.J.+
yeah, my hubby's sister does daycare for us. which is great because little girl loves her auntie.

[StColette]

[quote name='homeschoolmom' post='1870904' date='May 19 2009, 11:59 AM']The one recommendation that I have for working mothers with small children-- please try to find a consistant care-giver. I worked in a daycare center (a chain) right out of college and the turnover there is very high. (I only worked there four months.) Consistant care is important if it can't be mom or dad.[/quote]

Right Our caregiver wants to watch little man and the new one until they are ready for k-4. It's definitely a blessing to have a stable caregiver.

[MithLuin]

Keep in mind that this thread was begun in the context of [i]dating[/i] - thus, there are no kids to make decisions about! Also, the thread starter is not a young twenty-something, and implied he is financially stable and able to support a family on his income alone. In that situation, if he were to marry and start a family, he would hope that his wife would be willing to stay home with the little ones.

He expressed surprise that the women he met/went out with (presumably also not young twentysomethings) were more interested in continuing their careers as a matter of course.

So, the conversation naturally focussed on parents choosing to both work when it was not strictly necessary.

Plenty of families have financial responsibilities such that mom has to work, whether she wants to or not. I'd hope we would all recognize that reality. My mom was able to stay home because my parents bought a farm when they got married, so she stayed home and worked the farm.

[virginiancatholic]

[quote name='MithLuin' post='1870923' date='May 19 2009, 11:20 AM']Keep in mind that this thread was begun in the context of [i]dating[/i] - thus, there are no kids to make decisions about! Also, the thread starter is not a young twenty-something, and implied he is financially stable and able to support a family on his income alone. In that situation, if he were to marry and start a family, he would hope that his wife would be willing to stay home with the little ones.

He expressed surprise that the women he met/went out with (presumably also not young twentysomethings) were more interested in continuing their careers as a matter of course.

So, the conversation naturally focussed on parents choosing to both work when it was not strictly necessary.

Plenty of families have financial responsibilities such that mom has to work, whether she wants to or not. I'd hope we would all recognize that reality. My mom was able to stay home because my parents bought a farm when they got married, so she stayed home and worked the farm.[/quote]

[StColette]

[quote name='MithLuin' post='1870923' date='May 19 2009, 12:20 PM']Keep in mind that this thread was begun in the context of [i]dating[/i] - thus, there are no kids to make decisions about! Also, the thread starter is not a young twenty-something, and implied he is financially stable and able to support a family on his income alone. In that situation, if he were to marry and start a family, he would hope that his wife would be willing to stay home with the little ones.

He expressed surprise that the women he met/went out with (presumably also not young twentysomethings) were more interested in continuing their careers as a matter of course.

So, the conversation naturally focussed on parents choosing to both work when it was not strictly necessary.[/quote]

The poster asked "What do you guys think about mothers -- or fathers -- who stay at home to raise the kids?"and then he included his situation. The intention of the original poster seemed to be not to discuss his personal situation with finding women that want to do this but he asked in general what we thought of the practice and then expressed his own difficulty with finding a woman who wanted to stay at home. You may have been more focused on the poster's personal situation but the others seemed more focused on giving their personal opinion on the "what do you guys think about mothers or fathers who stay at home to raise the kids" part.

[XIX]

Seriously??

People actually think this thread is judgmental of working moms?







unreal.

[StColette]

[quote name='XIX' post='1870985' date='May 19 2009, 01:43 PM']Seriously??

People actually think this thread is judgmental of working moms?

unreal.[/quote]

Personally, my problem lies more with fact that praise and admiration is given to stay at home moms (as it should be given) and working moms are given the "I understand some moms have to work of necessity" and that's the end of it. There's no praise, no admiration, no "wow, you're a great mom because you're able to do so much". Instead we get posts about the effects or working may have on our kids, turning them into anxious, abandonment issue children, which as a mom the thought that I could possibly be bring harm to my child because I have to work is absolutely painful. As I pointed out in my post, working moms need just as much encouragement and praise as the stay at home ones. Sometimes we may need a little more encouragement to just get through another day of not being able to be with our children.

[fides quarens intellectum]

Mad props to the mommies who have to work but would rather not.

[Maggyie]

I am a product of a two-parent-working household, although my mom only worked part-time off and on. And I and my sister and brothers turned out okay with no abandonment issues as far as I can tell!

However when I was at my (very secular) alma mater, my psychology professor stated in class during a section on child development that it definitely DOES make a developmental difference whether the mom/dad is able to stay home with the kid or not. She also said that she had caught hell for saying that in class before but ultimately they couldn't do anything to her because what she said was true!

[TradMom]

Praised be Jesus Christ!

As usual, I am in a rush, so I haven't read through all the posts before me. Later on, I will. My two cents...totally worth it. As many of you know, our family is blessed with a special child. I don't think we would be have been able to handle the challenges (and yes, blessings!) that came with her presence if we didn't have such a solid foundation of a strong home life.

While my husband makes a good living and we are able to live comfortably, my income would have been able "give us more" had I kept working (in terms of luxury). (Maybe a newer car, better clothes, etc.) I mention this because many of our friends who do not choose to be stay at home parent(s) do so out of financial concerns. I think our culture of materialism (and please don't get me started on the soccer world - many games being on Sundays!) has done great harm in this area. Nothing can take the place of "real parents" and what I like to call - an anchor. In our case, it is me, but it doesn't have to be the Mom. A Dad can do just great.

Pax,
TradMom

Just scanned some of the posts above me. Let me amend because I realize that many families are in dire straits (or just plain old complicated situations!) and can't do it all. Someone suggested a constant caregiver...completely agree with that! Also, what about the young (or mature) women we all know who have gotten pregnant and decided to keep the baby (let us praise them for their dedication to life and not taking the "easy way out" by abortion!)? What about them? Sad but true, many times the "father" leaves the mother holding the baby alone. Pastoral exceptions to every rule and it does take a village! So...first choice, stay at home, live within your means! After that, find a caring, stable person - be a relative or not, who can support and love your child in tandem with you. I was a nanny when I was in grad school, and I LOVED those kids. The Mom was great, never threatened, SHARED her children with me and helped me find my vocation as a Mother. Honestly...I was "the anchor" for her and it worked out beautifully. Lots of ways to be creative about this, and we all need to support one another. Sad to see some people on this board are not feeling the support, and I don't want to add to that! I was answering the first question in my initial response, and as I closed, scanned the above answers...yikes!

Edited May 19, 2009 by TradMom

[jiyoung]

I've been struggling with this question lately as well. When I was younger, I was much more concerned with pursuing a career than I was about raising a family, but as I learned more about marriage and the family, I realized I would like to stay at home with my (hypothetical) children.

However, I'm beginning to pursue studies in voice, and I'd like to sing in operas someday. If I ever get to the level I'd like to be at, then I'll have an incredibly hectic schedule, and don't know how I'd keep up any kind of family life--I met someone in the field, and as of October 08 he already had engagements for 2011. He was doing very well, singing in such places as the Met Opera in NY--that's where I'd like to be someday. His wife, also a music graduate, stays at home, teaching piano, and takes care of their child. As the wife, though, I don't know how that would work out for me. I feel like even pregnancies would have to be scheduled into my travel schedule.

On the bright side, I don't really know where life is taking me for sure yet, and I'm not going to be married any time soon, so I can hold off on answering those questions until I get to that point and it's an actual issue for me. Until then, I'll just continue to train and get better and better...I know there are singers who retire partway into their careers so they can be with their families, and do engagements in their area and/or teach. There are always options. Everyone has their own version of normal, I guess.

As far as the actual topic of the thread, though--my mom stayed at home with me and my little sister and I'm incredibly grateful. I think if you can stay at home, then you should, but if you can't, you should be making efforts to make sure that your children won't have the issues that people are talking about in generalities here--which the women on this thread who work seem to be doing. You have to take care of your children the best you can according to your situation--I bet there are plenty of stay-at-home moms who mess things up terribly for their kids. I'm from Orange County, and I know there are plenty of women who don't work because their husbands are making serious bank, but still have nannies because they're too busy going to the gym and getting Botox injections to actually spend time with their own children--they spend more time with their pets, like those yappy little dogs that they have in those Coach purses. But the women here aren't like that, and I think y'all are a model of what a working mother should be doing, because you're ensuring that even though you can't take care of them 24/7 like you would like to (which is, I think, the key factor here), they're still in good hands. You still exercise control over and have an active interest in your child's upbringing, and still spend time with your child[ren] when you're able.

[virginiancatholic]

[quote]Personally, my problem lies more with fact that praise and admiration is given to stay at home moms (as it should be given) and working moms are given the "I understand some moms have to work of necessity" and that's the end of it. There's no praise, no admiration, no "wow, you're a great mom because you're able to do so much". Instead we get posts about the effects or working may have on our kids, turning them into anxious, abandonment issue children, which as a mom the thought that I could possibly be bring harm to my child because I have to work is absolutely painful. As I pointed out in my post, working moms need just as much encouragement and praise as the stay at home ones. Sometimes we may need a little more encouragement to just get through another day of not being able to be with our children.[/quote]

I'm sorry you were left out. I assume it was unintentional...and i don't think that doing what you have to do to keep the family intact would ever bring harm to your child, be it staying home with your family or working outside the home. As I said earlier:

[quote]think (or at least hope) that most people have supported the idea of staying home with their children on this board without casting judgment or inferiority on working parents. I have the utmost respect for families where both parents work, especially when they have young children, because their job is truly harder. Working a job, taking care of the house, and taking care of the family all at the same time (in addition to being pregnant) deserves a medal. [/quote]

I think some of us (myself included, mea culpa) may not be as quick to defend working Mommies simply because we were always having to defend stay at home mothers from sneers and jabs and harsh judgments all around, whereas the working mother was praised and lauded. No harm or offense intended. I still maintain that it is best to have a parent at home when the kids are at home, and I hope that if the day comes when I have a family that I will be financiall stable enough to stay at home with my kids.

All mothers should be given the highest honors really, for they give themselves over completely, sacrificing everything they are for their children. A mother really puts her life on the line every time she is pregnant. Highest honors to you all.


I'm jealous of you all. But only in an admiring sort of way.

[elizabeth09]

I think that moms should stay home and the dads work.

[Archaeology cat]

[quote name='MissScripture' post='1870484' date='May 19 2009, 12:36 AM']Now, I didn't have to go to daycare full time, because my mom only worked part time, so we went about 3 days a week, and only for about 4-5 hours, but the only babysitter I remember was "Grandma Marge." She was not my grandma, but she cared for her own grandkids, and the rest of us just picked up the name from them. She really was like a grandma, though, so it was something we looked forward to. So, I guess I'd say that if you have to have your kids in daycare, its important to find a good daycare.[/quote]
The sitter I went to (pretty regularly, even though my mother didn't work) we called "Aunt Tea". No relation to us at all, but she watched my cousins and me.

[Archaeology cat]

What would be really nice is if workplaces would offer more support to working mothers. Longer maternity leave, perhaps a daycare on site, etc. That way those mothers who wish to work or must work would have a bit more support. I know some employers are starting to allow mothers to bring their children with them. I was able to do that at my part-time gig until he was mobile.

[dominicansoul]

[quote]I also think some of the posts that say that a lot of the time both parents work so that they can have life's little extras might be a little off base.[/quote]

i hope you aren't referring to my post. I'm not saying that at all. if both parents have to work to meet the [i]minimal financial requirements[/i], then that cannot be avoided. But if [i]one parent's wages suffice[/i], then I don't think the other parent should work. Regardless of the high-quality care givers, nobody can replace the parent.

In today's society, it seems our priorities are all messed up. When Pope Benedict visited Israel, he focused on the family unit. It's being torn to shreds. We must do all we can to build our family's up.

I thank God that my mom never worked when I was a child. And we were dirt dirt dirt poor. But we had each other, and that's all we needed. God provided, and we were never left starving or without clothing. My parents had seven children. They didn't even think about worrying where our meals would come from, or where our clothes would come from. They totally trusted in God, and He provided! I come from a family of farmers. My mom grew vegetables, we raised chickens for the meat and eggs. We had a cow for the milk. My mom made our clothes. I look back at how many things we had that came from the work of her hands. We were never on welfare, we never received hand-outs or charity. God provided for everything. My parents didn't graduate from highschool, but man, they were SMART! They knew how to save, and when to spend. We had the biggest house on the block! (6 bedrooms, a large diningroom, 2 bathrooms and a spacious living room..) I look back now and I wonder how my parents did it....and I can only say...again, God provided!

I'm posting this, because I do value the women who opt to stay at home with their children. Too many times in the society we live in, these women are looked down upon as if they throw away their lives. I am NOT putting down the women who have to work. If you have to, you have to...

[Thy Geekdom Come]

If you think soccer moms are like momma bears, you should see devout Catholic working moms.

In light of that...everyone want to think really carefully before they write? This isn't debating some distant abstract thing, it's debating something deeply personal and close to many women's hearts. Even if you don't mean any harm in a certain statement, it's not hard for someone else to take it that way.