I Know I Make These Threads All The Time....

[OraProMe]

But it really pains me being this distant from the Church. When I was 14 (perhaps going on 15) I could really feel my SSA's cementing themselves and becoming stronger. The same problems most teenagers experience in puberty I guess, regardless of orientation. Anyway after Mass when everyone had left I knelt in front of Our Lady, lit a candle and poured my heart out. I think it was something to the effect of "I know I'm going to leave the Church. I just do. But please, Mary, don't abandon me. Make sure I come back one day". So I kind of made a promise with Our Lady. She didn't talk back, I was young and desperate so I expected a sign I guess. I had tears in my eyes by the end of it.

Well one of the reasons I've never completely abandoned the Church is because of this promise. I mean, I'm surrounded by people who think my SSA is fine, I think it's fine, I've had boyfriends, a social life etc. I've indulged in everything about the secular world that usually makes teenagers indifferent (at best) to the faith and yet here I am on phatmass, writing emotional whingey garbage like this. So one of the biggest proofs of the Church for me has always been my continued fascination with catholicism when logically I should just be another statistic in the generation of poorly catechized, lost Catholics. Almost like Our Lady is keeping her promise.

Anyway, I don't think I could go through life happy if I left stuff like this. A foot in each camp, so to speak. I'm thinking I might spend the rest of this year living like a Catholic should live. Almost [i]ad experimentum[/i]. I know that doesn't sound good, "experimenting" with religion and there's really not that much rational thought behind it which is odd for me because I usually over analyze everything. I'm not going to try to reconcile my beliefs with the Church because frankly it can't be done and no matter how hard I try I can't accept what she says. But I can try to embrace chastity and frequent prayer, the same as any single Catholic should do I guess. I might even explain this to a priest and see what he says about coming back to the sacraments.

I realize this sounds like complete croutons and it's just my own stream of consciousness. I couldn't go through life as a Catholic with a big question mark hanging over my head. That's why I'm where I am. But I really don't think I could go through life as a gay man with a big question mark hanging over my head either.

Edited July 22, 2009 by OraProMe

[Deus te Amat]

I'll be praying for you, my friend.

[Vincent Vega]

Well, I think you've come a long way since you've gotten here, and I'm proud of you for not just throwing your hands up and taking the easy way.
Keep searching for the Truth.

[iheartjp2]

[philothea]

Sounds brilliant to me. Huge admiration and lots of prayers for you!

[mcts]

I'm sure praying for you, Ora! If you were right here, I'd give you a hug. But Australia is far far away from Indiana

[Sojourner]

Many prayers.

[Archaeology cat]

I don't think it sounds like croutons, Ora. and I'm praying for you.

[Archaeology cat]

I don't think it sounds like croutons, Ora. and I'm praying for you.

[eagle_eye222001]

I give you credit for not throwing the Church out the window. Prayers for you.

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[tinytherese]

I'll keep you in my prayers. You know there isn't a canonized saint in the Church that has specifically dealt with SSA yet. Maybe you will be the first one. You're an inspiration.

[Brother Adam]

Everyone is on their own journey and carries their own crosses. My journey took me into the heart of demonic heresy before I finally came out and embraced my cross. Now I am pathetically trying to work towards holiness.

[BG45]

Prayers.

[Marie-Therese]

Ora, I love you very much, I think you know that. Something about you has always touched me, even back in the early days of your posts where I think that to call you "confrontational" would be putting it gently. Although SSA is not a struggle I've ever dealt with, I feel like I do understand you in terms of your intellectual questionings, because my intellectual pride led me to think at one point that there was no such thing as God. I languished in the Hell of my own creation for a long time, and the life I led was a perfect reflection of that fact.

As I have aged a little bit, things have put themselves into perspective a little better, and the God who would not let me be brought me back to Him when the time was right. You had a significant advantage to me, however, in that you were brought up in the Church and had Our Lady's friendship in intimate terms. She is quite a force, isn't she?

I don't fear for you because I have always thought that your strong attraction to God and your longing to be with Him in Truth would not be a desire unfulfilled. I know that you have many years of struggles ahead of you, because nothing worth having comes easy. I believe in you, though. I see your passion as being as much an asset to you as it is a detriment.

You aren't whining. You are being open and vulnerable, which is a good place to be. I, on the other hand, struggle with being closed off and stoic, and believe me when I say that is a terrible and lonely place to be.

You are in my continued prayers, and I hope that some day I'm able to meet you in person so I can give you a big hug.

[franciscanheart]

Talk to a priest.