When A Friend Has Cancer...

[Ash Wednesday]

She's a devoted Christian and her mom told me she is handling this like a rock. But it's a very serious situation with apparently grim prognosis. I just found out today and am not sure what to say except that she's in my prayers.

Please pray for her, and her family. She has a little boy. Edited August 5, 2009 by Ash Wednesday

[Era Might]

I was reading something recently about how we speak of "battling cancer," and how that is the wrong mentality, because it is a losing battle from the beginning. We are all going to die. When we try to "battle" cancer, we are implicitly battling death, and we are setting ourselves up for eventual defeat. The author I was reading spoke of recovering the sense of dying as an art. Dying is an art, not a battle. It is something we learn to do, something we embrace because it is the road to eternal life. When someone dies from cancer, it is said that they "lost their battle." But if they have turned dying into an art, then they haven't lost a battle; instead, they have made something beautiful. That's what I would want to tell someone who has cancer.

[CatherineM]

Offer to babysit sometime. The meds can leave you pretty tired.

[TeresaBenedicta]

Sometimes there's not a lot to be said. Assure your friend of your prayers, but most importantly be there as someone to talk to if she needs it. Be gentle, and listen. Speak as the Spirit moves you.

[missionseeker]

I have a a friend who is 7 months pregnant with ovarian cancer and three other kids. I really don't know what to say most of the time. I just answer the phone calls (when I get them, but she is in Mexico, so that's tough) and pray that somehow what I say helps her. It's tough.

[Sojourner]

Ask her how she's doing, and listen. One of my friends who went through chemo and a bone marrow transplant a couple of years ago said cancer can be very distancing and lonely. People don't know how to handle news like that so they draw back. So make a consistent effort to stay in touch. Just because she's sick doesn't mean she doesn't still need friendship -- now more than ever, no doubt.

Maybe also do a little research on the type of cancer she's got, so you can be more intelligent in the types of questions you ask her.

[the lords sheep]

Offer your prayers and any support that you can offer: cooking once a month or once every two weeks; babysitting/house cleaning, etc.
If she is not a close friend of yours, offer, but know that she may not feel comfortable taking you up on the offer.
Once a month or so, try to send a little note of encouragement and prayer, just to give her some comfort, and feel her out to see if she'd like a visitor or not. Offer to bring movies or magazines, too (often the meds make it really hard to focus on something for a long time).

[princessgianna]

[quote name='Era Might' post='1940678' date='Aug 4 2009, 08:07 PM']I was reading something recently about how we speak of "battling cancer," and how that is the wrong mentality, because it is a losing battle from the beginning. We are all going to die. When we try to "battle" cancer, we are implicitly battling death, and we are setting ourselves up for eventual defeat. The author I was reading spoke of recovering the sense of dying as an art. Dying is an art, not a battle. It is something we learn to do, something we embrace because it is the road to eternal life. When someone dies from cancer, it is said that they "lost their battle." But if they have turned dying into an art, then they haven't lost a battle; instead, they have made something beautiful. That's what I would want to tell someone who has cancer.[/quote]
That is very interesting! Obviously though there is a time to fight and a time to let go! Praying in the ultimate path to knowing what we are called to do. Praying for God's Will. I one time heard that "we should not pray that God's will is our will" rather that "our will be God's will".

I was talking with my dad a couple days ago and he brought up the movie "the trouble with angels". He was talking about that his favorite part of the movie is when Mary (the main character) finds out that Sister Constance is leaving for missionary work where leprosy in rapid. And Mary is distressed the fact that Sister Constance is so beautiful what happens if she caught the disease? Sister just smiled and said "then I ll pray for the strength to endure it". My dad expressed how powerful that statement was. And how we are to respond like that to whatever trials that come our way!

God never will give us what we can't handle. 1 Cor. 10:13 [quote]No trial has come to you but what is human. God is faithful and will not let you be tried beyond your strength; but with the trial he will also provide a way out, so that you may be able to bear it.[/quote]


I would encourage your friend to pray ! Pray that she prays to do what is God's will and the strength to endure it. And I will of course pray also that she may have a peace and her family in mind.

Pax Tecum
PG!

Edited August 5, 2009 by princessgianna

[Lilllabettt]

I think something really helpful would be offering to go to doctor appointments with her.

Sometimes a person is too sick to go by themselves, or just wants someone else there for moral support or to help listen to the doctor, and remember his orders. And if all she's got is her husband, she probably won't be too keen to be dragging him away from work all the time. Plus if there is a child in tow, it can be impossible doing it on your own.

The number one thing is to not act like its a big tragedy. It's a hard balance, because you don't want to appear to dismiss or diminish her suffering either. "This is hard and horrible, but you can handle it, let me know how I can help you handle it" is sort of the right approach.

[Kaeldra]

You don't always have to say anything. Just be there, tell her you love her and you're there for her. Support her decisions regarding treatment and try to help her along her way, hopefully toward recovery, but if it comes to it, toward (hopefully) heaven.

[BG45]

*hugs*

[quote name='TeresaBenedicta' post='1940684' date='Aug 4 2009, 09:14 PM']Sometimes there's not a lot to be said. Assure your friend of your prayers, but most importantly be there as someone to talk to if she needs it. Be gentle, and listen. Speak as the Spirit moves you.[/quote]

This. It's what I did for my mother at least, and then when she wasn't there, I sobbed my heart out. Keep being a friend, listen to the little proddings of the Spirit, listen to your friend, that's some of the best things to do.

[add]

[quote name='Lilllabettt' post='1940748' date='Aug 4 2009, 11:56 PM']I think something really helpful would be offering to go to doctor appointments with her.

Sometimes a person is too sick to go by themselves, or just wants someone else there for moral support or to help listen to the doctor, and remember his orders. And if all she's got is her husband, she probably won't be too keen to be dragging him away from work all the time. Plus if there is a child in tow, it can be impossible doing it on your own.

The number one thing is to not act like its a big tragedy. It's a hard balance, because you don't want to appear to dismiss or diminish her suffering either. "This is hard and horrible, but you can handle it, let me know how I can help you handle it" is sort of the right approach.[/quote]
I know all too well about the aspect of (quote) “And if all she's got is her husband, she probably won't be too keen to be dragging him away from work all the time. Plus if there is a child in tow, it can be impossible doing it on your own”.
As a husband and bread winner for the family, the bills still need to be paid and it is one more burden to cope with.
Going to the doctor appointments with a friend or loved one in our personal experience is probably the single most helpful thing anyone can do to comfort someone suffering this way and I try to find a way to be there if I can.

Edited August 5, 2009 by apparently

[cappie]

People with cancer are often bombarded with well-meaning advice, but it’s the rare friend who will just listen. Just by being an attentive, unbiased listener, you can help your friend sort through thoughts and emotions, make decisions, and perhaps even find peace.

[Ash Wednesday]

Well as she is back in America and I'm now in England, being able to help face-to-face is highly unlikely but she is a very involved and active woman with a good support network around her. I just don't want to say anything stupid when offering her a word of prayer and support.

[Marie-Therese]

[quote name='cappie' post='1941077' date='Aug 5 2009, 07:02 AM']People with cancer are often bombarded with well-meaning advice, but it’s the rare friend who will just listen. Just by being an attentive, unbiased listener, you can help your friend sort through thoughts and emotions, make decisions, and perhaps even find peace.[/quote]


Father...

During my work as an RN, I have worked in oncology and hospice. What Father said is often one of the best things you can do for someone with cancer. The gift of presence is a tremendous one, and you don't have to necessarily be in front of the person to do it. Just sit there with them on the phone and listen, if that's how you're communicating. Don't be afraid of silence. I can assure you, that person is overwhelmed enough with the contemplation of their life, and worries about the situation, and being bombarded with advice from well-meaning people. Our world is filled with noise. Let your friend know that, even if it means sitting there saying nothing, that you're happy to give them that.

Cancer is a particularly insidious disease, because it makes a person feel as though their body has been taken over by an invader. Sometimes all a person wants is just a few minutes of being "normal." Your friend will give you cues as to what they need, whether presence, silence, conversation.

Love goes a long way.