Is This A Relationship Breaker?

[sdenko]

I've been dating a very wonderful girl for a year now and our first 10 months of dating were wonderful and it seemed like everything was pointing to her being the one I wanted to be with. However, in the past two months, I think I've really been struggling with her. We've gotten into more disagreements and I hate conflict so naturally I shy away and don't want to talk about it. I've been trying to be more assertive myself as a whole, but more often than not it just blows up in my face and people get hurt even though I'm expressing what I believe about a certain situation.

But there are two things I'm really having a problem with and its been a terrible past two weeks because all I can think about are these two things and then I get depressed. When I get depressed, I get irritable and angry and stressed out. This has come at a really bad time for me just because I'm trying to make a number of decisions for schooling and such and trying to find a place to live and all that lovely stuff.

But essentially, she doesn't want to move more than 45 minutes away from her parents...ever. I didn't find this out until about 4 weeks ago (after dating for 10 months). At first I was completely okay with it. I thought, no problem, I like where we are, I don't mind not moving.

And then I realized...I can't promise that to her. I can't promise that to her now, since we're not even married, and I can't promise that to her ever, since life is so unpredictable. I cannot promise to her that for the next 60 years of her life (or however, long her parents live) that we would stay in the same spot.

In addition, she's really been pressuring me about what I'm going to be doing after I graduate from college. I'm still figuring that out, but every time she asks, I get more stressed. She tells me she won't marry me until I can provide for her. I understand that. So I'm looking into a few options, but a lot of them require me to go for extra schooling. On top of that, there are only 4 or 5 schools in our area where I could potentially go to and potentialy get a job (I'd like to teach at the university level).

So then I'm torn. I can't promise her that we'll stay here. But I want to be with her. But on top of that, I'm thinking, I can't just base all my career and my entire life on this one moment. I'm young, I need to get out and find what I truly love to do with my life. How can I provide for her if I'm limited to one geographical location? What happens if I lose my job? Or I can't find one? Then I'm stuck working a dead end job because I can't move to find a job elsewhere?

Of course, all of my stresses in life weigh down on me and get me depressed. That in turn gets her stressed. She can't understand why I get so stressed and depressed. But that's my personality. I've been strugglig with depression for three years now and I thought I was getting out of the hole last year, but this summer has been difficult and I've just gone down hill.

I know I don't make her happy when I'm stressed and I dare say I don't think I make her happy any more because I've been this way for the past few months. This hurts me. As much as I love her and I want to be with her, I almost wonder if the most loving thing I could ever do for her is to say "we need to part ways." I know I'm not making her happy and I've been a jerk the past few weeks and I just feel like maybe we should go our separate ways because I can't bear to hurt her any more. I 've hurt her before and she's forgiven me but I feel like I keep hurting her and I think that hurts me more than everything.

Anyone had similar experiences like this that they wouldn't mind sharing? I'm at a total loss of what to do.

[cmotherofpirl]

Nobody can make those kind of promises, because you are correct in thinking you have no clue what life will bring.You are both young and have your whole lives ahead of you.
You can also get help for your depression, you don't have to deal with it alone.

[sdenko]

[quote name='cmotherofpirl' post='1944172' date='Aug 9 2009, 01:25 PM']Nobody can make those kind of promises, because you are correct in thinking you have no clue what life will bring.You are both young and have your whole lives ahead of you.
You can also get help for your depression, you don't have to deal with it alone.[/quote]

Thanks cmotherofpirl.

I just feel like I need to get over this depression and vigorously attack it. Because I realized, I can't give myself to anyone else until I actually have myself to give, in my entirety. And while i'm not emotionally with it, I don't think I can do that.

[Archaeology cat]

The only advice I have is to talk to her about all this and what's going through your mind, and, of course, to pray. And, as CMom said, to seek help for the depression.

It truly is impossible to promise to always live in one geographical area. When I got married, we lived close to my parents. But then the opportunity to go to grad school came up, and so we moved to a different country. Skype is a wonderful way to keep in touch with family and actually get to see them.

[cmotherofpirl]

[quote name='sdenko' post='1944181' date='Aug 9 2009, 02:30 PM']Thanks cmotherofpirl.

I just feel like I need to get over this depression and vigorously attack it. Because I realized, I can't give myself to anyone else until I actually have myself to give, in my entirety. And while i'm not emotionally with it, I don't think I can do that.[/quote]
Then get some help, real depression is not something that magically dissappears.

[cmotherofpirl]

I tried the "living by your parents routine" when I got married: my mother died within 2 years of cancer and my dad went off with another woman. Live your life and if you love each other you will be together. Don't make promises that life may not let you keep. THis is not a rehearsal and you don't get second chances.

[Norseman82]

[quote name='sdenko' post='1944146' date='Aug 9 2009, 12:53 PM']But essentially, she doesn't want to move more than 45 minutes away from her parents...ever. I didn't find this out until about 4 weeks ago (after dating for 10 months). At first I was completely okay with it. I thought, no problem, I like where we are, I don't mind not moving.[/quote]

On one hand, this reminds me of what the Bible says about "leave his mother and father and cling to his wife" - I'm sure it works both ways (correct me if I am wrong).

On the other hand, I can see how staying close to other family can act as a support mechanism that promotes family stability. I know of one acquaintance and his wife that moved from Chicagoland to Michigan and away from their immediate families. Unfortunately, they divorced not long thereafter, and I wonder if in their case if their family had been in closer proximity they would have worked out any minor problems they had.

[Ash Wednesday]

I dated someone for 3 years and he didn't really know what to do with himself after he finished school, and I know as a woman, though I had my own career and ducks already in a row, I had certain expectations and wanted to see him have direction and a career so we could marry. But marriage wasn't even on his mind even after all that time, so there really was no point of dating, because dating really is supposed to have marriage as a goal in mind.

We did break up, and in the end he probably better off for it and relieved not having to deal with the external pressures coming from a girlfriend. I do think you should allow yourself some time to figure things out -- life really isn't figured out in just one moment.

The things you mentioned don't have to be relationship breakers -- but it's something you would both have to be willing to work through together. Sometimes compromises can only do so much when you both have different plans and directions, though.

And don't worry, I've had my own struggles with depression off and on -- get help if you can. Life is still good.

[CatherineM]

Controlling issues don't get better, they tend to get worse, unless this is coming out because she is afraid of the changes that are coming.

[jkaands]

It's a breaker.

Your girlfriend is immature. She is unwilling to sever herself from proximity to her parents and she insists that you be able to support her. She may never want to work. She appears to be very passive and dependent, also manipulative.

In this day and age, it is unreasonable to demand that someone live so close to her parents; what if you demanded the same thing? And it is also unreasonable to assume that she won't have to work--ever-- and can depend on someone else to support her the rest of her life. If she feels that way, she should live at home.

I think that you sense that you are about to become trapped and that you have reacted (appropriately, in my view) by becoming depressed. After you break up with her, which I feel that you should do, you will be unhappy for a while, and then you will feel immensely relieved that you escaped. Then you will no longer feel depressed, unless this episode has uncovered other deeper issues.

[Slappo]

Sdenko,

My fiancee really wants to get her masters in Social Work and she also wants to be a stay at home mom (would allow her to work from home with a MSW), but she is also willing to work part time or even full time for a period of time while we get college loans paid off, and she understands that beyond that she may have to give up some of her dreams (as may I) to help me financially support *our* family. I want to provide for her to be a stay at home non-working mother if she so pleases, but at the same time she has to accept that it may not always be the case and possibly for some reason or another, may never be the case. What if I became paralyzed and couldn't work? She can't just leave me (not as a good Christian), and bills have to be paid. My fiancee would also really like to live in close proximity to her family (at least only a few hours away making every holiday a possible trip for them or us), and on top of that her mom really wants her nearby. I can't promise to her that it will ever be that way. I've told her that I would like to be able to do that for her, but promises like that can be broken by no ones fault.

Your girlfriend needs to understand that she can ask you to try to support her financially on one income and that you to try to stay in close proximity to her family but you can't promise it by any means. Ultimately it is God's calling as to where we should live and how our family will be provided for and you can't listen to the voice of your wife (if you two were to wed someday) over the voice of God, and nor can she listen to you or herself over God.

There has to be compromise on her part and maybe on yours as well to assure her that you will try to meet her requests if that is something that you are willing to agree to.

[tinytherese]

Perhaps premarital counseling might help the two of you. The bottom line is that you will have to communicate with each other and remember that you [i]both[/i] need to be prepared to compromise and collaborate when need be, and not just over the issues that you've mentioned. That will be needed throughout all of your married life. My parents have a strained relationship because of how defensive and uncooperative my dad is about every little thing. It's all about him.

Perhaps talking to her parents (and yours) about your situation would be a good move as well.

[jeffpugh]

I personally don't understand the [i]need [/i]to be near the parents all the time. Like people have said, you can't promise that and it's unreasonable in this day and age. It's not like 100 years ago when farmers had their sons and daughters married off and said children lived on the farm in the same county. In this information age, certain trades call for moving away wherever demand is. She'll have to face it. It's not like she'll never get to see them again though. But we all have to smell of elderberries up our fears and take that leap of faith and be ready to move on. It takes trust though. Communication as well. Sounds as though you still need to talk things over seriously (and tell her that) before you consider "breaking up". +

[sdenko]

[quote name='Norseman82' post='1944277' date='Aug 9 2009, 01:26 PM']On one hand, this reminds me of what the Bible says about "leave his mother and father and cling to his wife" - I'm sure it works both ways (correct me if I am wrong).

On the other hand, I can see how staying close to other family can act as a support mechanism that promotes family stability. I know of one acquaintance and his wife that moved from Chicagoland to Michigan and away from their immediate families. Unfortunately, they divorced not long thereafter, and I wonder if in their case if their family had been in closer proximity they would have worked out any minor problems they had.[/quote]

I can totally agree with both of these views. My parents married and lived away from both their parents (who lived in the same town) for several years until I was in kindergarten. Then we moved "home" to where my parents grew up. It was wonderful being so close to grandparents, I don't know that many people who were as close as I was to my grandparents since they lived 20 minutes away. On the other hand, both my mom and dad became the primary caregivers for my grandmothers when they got older. My uncles all lived in other states.

I value family, but at the same time, I value independence. My dad tells me that when "you" (general) get married, you're first reponsibility is to your spouse and the new family "unit" that you will create. I concur with him. In this situation, however, I don't know how much that's going to happen. My g/f wants to later build a house on the property her parents own and then her parents would live there too.

She's a dreamer, and there's nothing wrong with that. But the problem is, I know I can't make any promises to her beyond marriage vows.

[sdenko]

[quote name='Ash Wednesday' post='1944293' date='Aug 9 2009, 01:48 PM']I dated someone for 3 years and he didn't really know what to do with himself after he finished school, and I know as a woman, though I had my own career and ducks already in a row, I had certain expectations and wanted to see him have direction and a career so we could marry. But marriage wasn't even on his mind even after all that time, so there really was no point of dating, because dating really is supposed to have marriage as a goal in mind.

We did break up, and in the end he probably better off for it and relieved not having to deal with the external pressures coming from a girlfriend. I do think you should allow yourself some time to figure things out -- life really isn't figured out in just one moment.

The things you mentioned don't have to be relationship breakers -- but it's something you would both have to be willing to work through together. Sometimes compromises can only do so much when you both have different plans and directions, though.

And don't worry, I've had my own struggles with depression off and on -- get help if you can. Life is still good. [/quote]

And this is what I wonder, would it be better if she and took a "break" from each other so I could figure stuff out. I tend to think that it would be a positive experience for the both of us. She still has add'l schooling to do as well after I grad and we both agreed that nothing more serious (e.g. engagement) would happen until she was nearly done. That's another 2 years or so though.

We started talking about marriage very early in the game (much to the fear of my parents who were worried I was going to quickly). It was both a positive thing (in the sense that we both agreed dating is for the discernment of a marriage partner) and a negative thing (in the sense that by talking about marriage, it implied that there was a level of committment that was there that may or may not have been there or that one partner was more committed to carrying the relationship to marriage than the other).

Hindsight's always 20/20, right?