Is This A Relationship Breaker?

[Sojourner]

[quote name='sdenko' post='1944371' date='Aug 9 2009, 05:27 PM']I can totally agree with both of these views. My parents married and lived away from both their parents (who lived in the same town) for several years until I was in kindergarten. Then we moved "home" to where my parents grew up. It was wonderful being so close to grandparents, I don't know that many people who were as close as I was to my grandparents since they lived 20 minutes away. On the other hand, both my mom and dad became the primary caregivers for my grandmothers when they got older. My uncles all lived in other states.

I value family, but at the same time, I value independence. My dad tells me that when "you" (general) get married, you're first reponsibility is to your spouse and the new family "unit" that you will create. I concur with him. In this situation, however, I don't know how much that's going to happen. My g/f wants to later build a house on the property her parents own and then her parents would live there too.

She's a dreamer, and there's nothing wrong with that. But the problem is, I know I can't make any promises to her beyond marriage vows.[/quote]
Is she really asking you to make a vow to her that you never move more than 45 minutes away from her parents?

[sdenko]

[quote name='jkaands' post='1944321' date='Aug 9 2009, 02:41 PM']It's a breaker.

Your girlfriend is immature. She is unwilling to sever herself from proximity to her parents and she insists that you be able to support her. She may never want to work. She appears to be very passive and dependent, also manipulative.

In this day and age, it is unreasonable to demand that someone live so close to her parents; what if you demanded the same thing? And it is also unreasonable to assume that she won't have to work--ever-- and can depend on someone else to support her the rest of her life. If she feels that way, she should live at home.

I think that you sense that you are about to become trapped and that you have reacted (appropriately, in my view) by becoming depressed. After you break up with her, which I feel that you should do, you will be unhappy for a while, and then you will feel immensely relieved that you escaped. Then you will no longer feel depressed, unless this episode has uncovered other deeper issues.[/quote]

Well thankfully she realizes that she does need to work, but the thing is, she's had financial experiences in the past that perhaps make her more prone to worrying about money. She's a very hard worker and has put her self through college all on her own, so in terms of her working, I don't think she has a problem with that. I also don't have a problem with her one day being a stay-at-home mom, but at the same time, I do realize that sometimes, both spouses need to work.

And yes, to a degree, I am afraid of being trapped.

Unfortunately, I'm not Catholic, she is. I'm still trying to decide. I have a very bipolar relationship with God and sometimes I want to become a priest/pastor/deacon whatever and sometimes I don't want anything to do with God. The times I want to become a priest/pastor/deacon whatever I want to go to grad school and then either teach or go into ministry. So I know that means not always being where we are.

[sdenko]

[quote name='Slappo' post='1944333' date='Aug 9 2009, 03:43 PM']Your girlfriend needs to understand that she can ask you to try to support her financially on one income and that you to try to stay in close proximity to her family but you can't promise it by any means. Ultimately it is God's calling as to where we should live and how our family will be provided for and you can't listen to the voice of your wife (if you two were to wed someday) over the voice of God, and nor can she listen to you or herself over God.

There has to be compromise on her part and maybe on yours as well to assure her that you will try to meet her requests if that is something that you are willing to agree to.[/quote]

My feelings exactly. I'm open and willing to go wherever. She...not so much. She's already moved half-way around the world as an immigrant so I think that's why she doesn't want to move again. She's also very close to her family. They have overcome tremendous challenges as a family. I appreciate and love her love for her family.

Buuuuuttt..at the same time, I know that a married couple needs to be independent of their parents while cultivating a new adult-adult relationship rather than a parent-child relationship.

[Slappo]

[quote name='sdenko' post='1944379' date='Aug 9 2009, 02:37 PM']My feelings exactly. I'm open and willing to go wherever. She...not so much. She's already moved half-way around the world as an immigrant so I think that's why she doesn't want to move again. She's also very close to her family. They have overcome tremendous challenges as a family. I appreciate and love her love for her family.

Buuuuuttt..at the same time, I know that a married couple needs to be independent of their parents while cultivating a new adult-adult relationship rather than a parent-child relationship.[/quote]


For instance, a week after my fiance and I get married we're moving to where I have a job, Alaska, and her family is all in Wisconsin (60 first cousins within 45 minutes of her).

[Marie-Therese]

sdenko,

I think that your girlfriend needs to make some serious decisions about her own life. It sounds as though she doesn't have a very realistic view of how life works.

1. She wants to demand to live in one particular locale, with no negotiation...and yet,
2. She demands that you be able to support her, and
3. She seems fairly unwilling to compromise on anything.

This is a bad deal. She obviously does not understand that in life, you don't get everything you want. As a Christian wife, she should be prepared to accept you as her husband and the head of her house. That means that, unfortunately, she isn't going to get everything she wants. In order to provide for her needs, it might be completely necessary for you to leave that location. Has she ever considered that you might not be able to get the kind of gainful employment that would provide for your family near to her parents? This might be something that you would want to bring to her attention.

Now, it might be that she is suffering from a pretty serious case of delusional immaturity, and that she just doesn't have the foresight yet to be able to evaluate these kinds of situations. If you lay things out for her gently, she might be able to see that her position was unreasonable. She might not. At that point, you have to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life attempting to please a woman that couldn't be pleased, or if you want to look for a partner in life that would be your equal and be just as supportive of you as you were of her.

Prayers for you and your situation.

Edited August 9, 2009 by Marie-Therese

[Sojourner]

In your gf's defense, family is very important, particularly if, as you suggest, she comes from another country. The idea that a husband and wife are somehow completely independent from their families is not found in many other cultures, and I don't know that there's anything wrong with wanting to stay close to family. My husband is the oldest of 10 kids, 9 of whom live within 45 minutes of his family. Very close-knit, and there are both good and bad things about that.

Clearly when you marry, your primary focus is on your spouse and the nuclear family you are creating. But you do marry into a family; that's part of the package. I find that loving my husband's family is an extension of loving him. I love them for his sake.

And there are very real benefits from living near family, particularly if you want to have children. One of my husband's brothers found that out the hard way. They moved out to Col., then had twins and a baby boy within 2.5 years. They moved back her because they needed family support.

It sounds to me like the two of you are not on the same page as far as your priorities in life. She wants a more traditional family life, where there is a lot of involvement with extended family and you provide a stable enough environment to allow her to focus on kids and making a home for you. That is hard work, as many of the moms on here can testify to. I don't think there is anything wrong with her vision, and I think it is doable, as long as she finds the right guy. You don't seem like you value interaction with extended family as much, and that could really be a big issue in the future. I don't think either of you has a "bad" vision for the future, but you do have things to work through.

I think it's smart to have both parents able to contribute financially to the family pot -- we have been discussing this in my house as well. But the two of you need to be on the same page with regard to priorities such as involvement with extended family and how you want to raise children.

[Ash Wednesday]

[quote name='sdenko' post='1944374' date='Aug 9 2009, 04:31 PM']And this is what I wonder, would it be better if she and took a "break" from each other so I could figure stuff out. I tend to think that it would be a positive experience for the both of us. She still has add'l schooling to do as well after I grad and we both agreed that nothing more serious (e.g. engagement) would happen until she was nearly done. That's another 2 years or so though.

We started talking about marriage very early in the game (much to the fear of my parents who were worried I was going to quickly). It was both a positive thing (in the sense that we both agreed dating is for the discernment of a marriage partner) and a negative thing (in the sense that by talking about marriage, it implied that there was a level of committment that was there that may or may not have been there or that one partner was more committed to carrying the relationship to marriage than the other).

Hindsight's always 20/20, right?[/quote]

It sounds like your early stage was mostly infatuation. And that's perfectly normal, I've been there, done that. It's part of the fun of being "head over heels"...but then time and reality sets in and everything's put to the test.

From what you've told us, I'd say taking a break might be a good idea. It's entirely possible that the circumstances and things that she is asking of the relationship is putting pressure on you and possibly exacerbating your depression. Depression is a pretty complex thing, but your instincts might be telling you something.

[eagle_eye222001]

Will keep you in my prayers.

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[homeschoolmom]

So, if her parents were to decide to relocate, would you have to follow? Just asking. I would never be able to agree to that even if my intentions were to stay close by.

[Maggyie]

Hmmm. I don't think it's wrong for her to want to be confident in your ability to support her finanically... women like to nest and we are conditioned to look for good providers. I probably wouldn't date anyone who was not past the good old quarter-life crisis (that's why I didn't date in college, no point to it for me really). And my parents would have a huge problem with me getting serious with someone who wasn't able to do that. However what goes along with that is being willing to re-locate etc, do whatever needs to be done to support the breadwinner in his career. Compromise is a huge part of marriage and she has to understand she can't get everything she wants. If she wants to stay home then she needs to be willing to support you in other ways including moving if that's what it takes!

If you are going to break up with her, make sure not to sugar coat it by calling it "taking a break." In my experience "taking a break" means "see you never" even if the parties don't intend things to go that way. You have been with her for more than a year so it's important to honor that by being very frank about the state of your relationship, if it is ending. I would definitely talk to her about your concerns about this being a relationship breaker, perhaps she's not aware of the stress this is putting on your end of the relationship and would be willing to reconsider her priorities if she realized that.

Edited August 10, 2009 by Maggie

[rachael]

I've dated two guys who both wanted to stay close to home. One claimed that he wanted to travel the world, but now that he's started to, he's become homesick and wants to go home. He's started to come to me to complain about how much he's missing me and his friends. He's 25.

At what does a person become separate from his parents?

Personally, it's a total relationship breaker for me.