What Happens When Nuns/sisters Leave The Order?

[Sponsa-Christi]

Also...people in the Church can still be nasty to you even if you are a CV!

 

It's true a CV doesn't have to live a life in common, but you're still a part of the community that is the Church (which, as we all know, is made up of imperfect human beings). 

[oremus1]

thats all very true but in reality i'd say about 80%+ of the CVs i know are ex religious.

 

also @ sposa, thats true, but CV does not surrender their will in the same way or to the same extent as a religious. Your Bishop does not care what you eat for breakfastor what you are doing at 3:00pm for example. so there is less potential for abuse compared to convents. also the 'testing' / abuse and forced penance of nuns cannot really be compared to any equivalent in the CV life.

[Nunsense]

thats all very true but in reality i'd say about 80%+ of the CVs i know are ex religious.

 

also @ sposa, thats true, but CV does not surrender their will in the same way or to the same extent as a religious. Your Bishop does not care what you eat for breakfastor what you are doing at 3:00pm for example. so there is less potential for abuse compared to convents. also the 'testing' / abuse and forced penance of nuns cannot really be compared to any equivalent in the CV life.

 

 

It does seem that you have a very cynical and negative view of religious community life so perhaps becoming a CV might be your best option. As you say, there is no need to be obedient to another person if you are a CV (except perhaps your Bishop but of course, he doesn't get involved in your daily life) and since you only answer to yourself, there isn't any of that tedious trying to get along with others on an intimate day by day basis.

 

It's funny because I have had a lot of bad experiences in religious life, and yet my attitude is still positive -  I believe everyone is trying their best. Even when I have been abused (or 'tested'), I don't honestly believe that the person doing it is evil or even conscious of their actions. Most people think that they are in the right - or they wouldn't act as they do. Human beings have an incredible ability to rationalize and justify their actions. So those who have hurt others in religious life, no doubt have a belief that either they are justified in doing so for some reason or that the injured person is just over-reacting to the situation, or misunderstanding it.

 

So I like to look back on bad things that have happened to me in religious life (and in general) and say 'Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do.' I haven't always felt this when I have just had to leave a community and the pain is still fresh, but that's just because any grieving takes time and goes through a lot of different emotional states along the way to acceptance.

 

That doesn't mean I excuse or condone unacceptable behavior, because I don't. And I certainly believe that one should avoid toxic environments and/or people whenever possible. But I also don't think it wise to take a bad experience and turn it into a reason to condemn all religious or even all in one community.I have been blessed to have lived with some near-saints as well as some very damaged and damaging individuals. I prefer to focus my memories on the blessings I have received rather than on the hardships - that way I am not carrying a sack full of giant boulders behind me as I climb a mountain (watch the movie The Mission to understand that reference). 

 

Anyway, if religious life just doesn't appeal to you, then perhaps it isn't for you.You have been discerning CV for a long time - perhaps you are on the right track?

[Sponsa-Christi]

It is true that consecrated virginity doesn't have the same potential for "positive" abuse in the same way that religious life does (i.e., it would be hard to force a CV to do something actively).

 

However, CVs lack the canonical protections that religious have. So if a CV is treated badly by her bishop, she really doesn't have much recourse. For example, if a CV gets a new bishop, and he decides that he doesn't want to recognize her as being consecrated, that CV could be left in sort of a vocational limbo for the rest of her life. 

 

Also, being a CV, you do face a lot of negative prejudices from otherwise good Catholics. Once, I was introduced to a priest for the first time, and when he heard I was a CV, he said out loud to the whole group: "When I hear 'consecrated virgin,' I think: crazy!" That's kind of an extreme example, but it's not an isolated one in my own life at least. And issues of personal hurt feelings aside...if priests and other people in the Church assume these kinds of negative things about you right away, that could potentially make it very hard to be fully involved in the life of your parish or diocese.

 

So like religious life, it's still very possible to have bad experiences as a CV. This doesn't mean it's not worth the risk if you sincerely feel that Christ is calling you to this, but I do think a desire to avoid abusive situations is not a really good motive for discerning this vocation.

[maximillion]

 

 

but I do think a desire to avoid abusive situations is not a really good motive for discerning this vocation.

 

 

Well said. 

 

Or if it comes to it, for choosing any vocation!

[oremus1]

It is true that consecrated virginity doesn't have the same potential for "positive" abuse in the same way that religious life does (i.e., it would be hard to force a CV to do something actively).

 

However, CVs lack the canonical protections that religious have. So if a CV is treated badly by her bishop, she really doesn't have much recourse. For example, if a CV gets a new bishop, and he decides that he doesn't want to recognize her as being consecrated, that CV could be left in sort of a vocational limbo for the rest of her life. 

 

Also, being a CV, you do face a lot of negative prejudices from otherwise good Catholics. Once, I was introduced to a priest for the first time, and when he heard I was a CV, he said out loud to the whole group: "When I hear 'consecrated virgin,' I think: crazy!" That's kind of an extreme example, but it's not an isolated one in my own life at least. And issues of personal hurt feelings aside...if priests and other people in the Church assume these kinds of negative things about you right away, that could potentially make it very hard to be fully involved in the life of your parish or diocese.

 

So like religious life, it's still very possible to have bad experiences as a CV. This doesn't mean it's not worth the risk if you sincerely feel that Christ is calling you to this, but I do think a desire to avoid abusive situations is not a really good motive for discerning this vocation.

Yes thats true but the sort of thing you describe re the CV does not have the potential to be physically or psychologically as harmful to the CV as the abuse of nuns. For example, if the CV does not like the opinion or comments of a priest or person, she is free to avoid them. The cloistered nun does not have that choice she must ensure that sort of thing day after day worrse and worse, even if she wants to leave, it will take many months to sort out. If the CV is attacked physically she easily has recourse to the police. the cloistered nun has not got any protection.

 

The CV will not have enforced penances put upon her, whereas the nun might.

 

And yes, in many diocese, the bishop ignores the CVs. and maybe the CV is not fully invoilved in her parish. but that is a whole different level to a prior or sister who actively seeks to make life horrible on a day to day basis for the cloistered nun who has a vow of obedience, and could be required to do enforced penance.

 

If the priest says the CV vocation is crazy, that is a whole other thing comapred to someoen you see everyday saying horrible things to you all the time. in  convent, since part of you expects the Lords will to be revealed through your superior you yourself cannot  tell the difference between being tested and being abused. it slowly eats away at you. until you cant take it anymore and either go crazy or someone on the outside helpd you out.

 

also the CV can freely chat to third parties about what she is going through. the cloistered nun cannot. her letters may be censored and she would never know.

 

the bishop is unlikely to bully the CV. in convents, bullying can easily happen.

[truthfinder]

Yes thats true but the sort of thing you describe re the CV does not have the potential to be physically or psychologically as harmful to the CV as the abuse of nuns. For example, if the CV does not like the opinion or comments of a priest or person, she is free to avoid them. The cloistered nun does not have that choice she must ensure that sort of thing day after day worrse and worse, even if she wants to leave, it will take many months to sort out. If the CV is attacked physically she easily has recourse to the police. the cloistered nun has not got any protection.

 

The CV will not have enforced penances put upon her, whereas the nun might.

 

And yes, in many diocese, the bishop ignores the CVs. and maybe the CV is not fully invoilved in her parish. but that is a whole different level to a prior or sister who actively seeks to make life horrible on a day to day basis for the cloistered nun who has a vow of obedience, and could be required to do enforced penance.

 

If the priest says the CV vocation is crazy, that is a whole other thing comapred to someoen you see everyday saying horrible things to you all the time. in  convent, since part of you expects the Lords will to be revealed through your superior you yourself cannot  tell the difference between being tested and being abused. it slowly eats away at you. until you cant take it anymore and either go crazy or someone on the outside helpd you out.

 

also the CV can freely chat to third parties about what she is going through. the cloistered nun cannot. her letters may be censored and she would never know.

 

the bishop is unlikely to bully the CV. in convents, bullying can easily happen.

 

Hi Oremus1,

I've read several of your posts now on several different topics, and you seem to have a rather distorted view of religious life. ( don't get me wrong, I prefer that rather 'traditional' religious life of EF communities and all that).  Some of the comments you write about not having any protection from abuse and enforced penances lead me to believe that your understanding of the cloistered life is based off medieval stories and anti-Catholic literature from the 19th century (ie Maria Monk and such). Cloistered nuns can leave - most will do it through the appropriate channels such as having their vows dismissed, ex-claustration, or some (rarely) just up and leave.  Convents aren't in the lock-down they once were. 

 

If you have the chance, I would highly suggest speaking to not only a  spiritual director (and since you have traditional proclivities even try to speak to an FSSP or ICKSP priest if you get the chance), but also go and meet a cloistered community, even if you don't feel called to them particularly.  Ask these questions about cloistered life that you have.  

 

God bless!

[oremus1]

Hi Oremus1,

I've read several of your posts now on several different topics, and you seem to have a rather distorted view of religious life. ( don't get me wrong, I prefer that rather 'traditional' religious life of EF communities and all that).  Some of the comments you write about not having any protection from abuse and enforced penances lead me to believe that your understanding of the cloistered life is based off medieval stories and anti-Catholic literature from the 19th century (ie Maria Monk and such). Cloistered nuns can leave - most will do it through the appropriate channels such as having their vows dismissed, ex-claustration, or some (rarely) just up and leave.  Convents aren't in the lock-down they once were. 

 

If you have the chance, I would highly suggest speaking to not only a  spiritual director (and since you have traditional proclivities even try to speak to an FSSP or ICKSP priest if you get the chance), but also go and meet a cloistered community, even if you don't feel called to them particularly.  Ask these questions about cloistered life that you have.  

 

God bless!

Thanks very much. Yes you are right. I am very traditional. But I somehow have an idea that EF communities and orthodox ones are very horrible, nuns bathe in cold water, they are really strict, they have a rigid horarium and people walk around like robots and cant think for themselves, they are very unhappy and mostly old. this idea is partly form looking at pictures on their website, and also talking to CVs who were ex nuns. then i read this thread and some of it was horrible. i also wrote to a community once who were really strict and horrible sounding when they wrote back.they also were nasty that i was vegetarian, basically saying i was disobedient and would not be a good nun. well i would say, we can judge a persons morals by how they treat those weaker than them. like foetuses. or animals.

my SD is traditional. but he LIKES those things in religious life. i thnk you are right though. i will actually go to one i think . just to see.

Edited July 12, 2014 by oremus1

[truthfinder]

I'm sorry you've had bad experiences with communities. Unfortunately for you the really vegetarian orders were mostly Minims and they died out (for the most part) quite a while ago and they also tended to be super penitential. 

 

Be careful with horariums.  In many instances, they are what a community hopes for everyday - but doesn't necessarily achieve. Also, they don't always reveal everything.  Quite a few Carmelite horariums that are posted don't actually note that they have a siesta in the afternoon (not all do this but some do). Poor Clares that rise at midnight ease postulants in to this.  

If you do find a community that you like the charism, but are afraid of the schedule or the discipline which they have, the best may be to try.  If you can't handle it, it's clear you aren't called there.  Throughout the history of the nuns and cloistered communities, there have always been one community that is way stricter than another, and another one laxer.  Doesn't mean that neither were right or wrong (as long as they weren't fostering heresy), it just means the nuns had different approaches to holiness.  

 

You may also want to look into Vistandine nuns - they were specifically founded to not have physical penances and harsh fasts.  

 

I wish you the best and I'll be praying for you!

[oremus1]

I'm sorry you've had bad experiences with communities. Unfortunately for you the really vegetarian orders were mostly Minims and they died out (for the most part) quite a while ago and they also tended to be super penitential. 

 

Be careful with horariums.  In many instances, they are what a community hopes for everyday - but doesn't necessarily achieve. Also, they don't always reveal everything.  Quite a few Carmelite horariums that are posted don't actually note that they have a siesta in the afternoon (not all do this but some do). Poor Clares that rise at midnight ease postulants in to this.  

If you do find a community that you like the charism, but are afraid of the schedule or the discipline which they have, the best may be to try.  If you can't handle it, it's clear you aren't called there.  Throughout the history of the nuns and cloistered communities, there have always been one community that is way stricter than another, and another one laxer.  Doesn't mean that neither were right or wrong (as long as they weren't fostering heresy), it just means the nuns had different approaches to holiness.  

 

You may also want to look into Vistandine nuns - they were specifically founded to not have physical penances and harsh fasts.  

 

I wish you the best and I'll be praying for you!

 

I dont mind doing penance, but I prefer to choose to do penance. whereas if someone MADE me do a horrible penance, for a long time or something,  it would be a miserable thing surely.

did the minims die out because of their harsh lifestyle?

[Nunsuch]

Oremus, I caution you not to rely solely on ex-religious for insight into religious life. This is sort of like basing your impression of marriage on those who have been divorced or annulled....

 

Note that I am *not* someone attracted to EF or "traditional" religious life. However, I know many who are, and they are happy and content.  Otherwise, they would not stay. You may want to look at the most recent newsletter of the Benedictines of Mary (affiliated with the FSSP), whose foundress just celebrated 70 years as a religious. There are TONS of happy pictures of her, and of her community.

 

Finally, as to enforced penances. First, no one is asked to engage in penances out of some sort of distorted notions of holiness. Indeed, in most communities, rigorous penance is not a part of things (if it is at all) till one is in vows, and only after the formation process has both explained and prepared the individual for it. As for SELF-imposed penances, most communities require permission to engage in them.  Both in doing what the community asks and in NOT doing what one decides for oneself, the issue is one of OBEDIENCE--one fo the basic vows of religious life, right? If you are committed to doing what YOU want, then perhaps you are not called to a life that is grounded in obedience?

 

[truthfinder]

Some of it was their lifestyle, I believe some got attached to specific devotions (this point is foggy in my memory) that died out, whereas a good portion were suppressed. Minims that exist (nuns) are mostly located in Spanish-related countries.  See: http://www.minimas.org/  (there is a really strict minims group in Mexico but their association with the church is fuzzy - I believe they are still affiliated with the SSPX.)

 

The thing about choosing your own penance is that there is still pride - which is the underlining sin and fault. 

[Nunsense]

Hi Oremus1,

I've read several of your posts now on several different topics, and you seem to have a rather distorted view of religious life. ( don't get me wrong, I prefer that rather 'traditional' religious life of EF communities and all that).  Some of the comments you write about not having any protection from abuse and enforced penances lead me to believe that your understanding of the cloistered life is based off medieval stories and anti-Catholic literature from the 19th century (ie Maria Monk and such). Cloistered nuns can leave - most will do it through the appropriate channels such as having their vows dismissed, ex-claustration, or some (rarely) just up and leave.  Convents aren't in the lock-down they once were. 

 

If you have the chance, I would highly suggest speaking to not only a  spiritual director (and since you have traditional proclivities even try to speak to an FSSP or ICKSP priest if you get the chance), but also go and meet a cloistered community, even if you don't feel called to them particularly.  Ask these questions about cloistered life that you have.  

 

God bless!

 

 

This. What she said above!

--

 

Oremus1 - I don't know where you are getting your information from but I seriously doubt there are any legitimate communities that do the things you are describing. I have lived in a 1990 Carmel, which is the strictest of the Carmels - many pre Vat 2 practices BUT, and here is the important thing to remember, ALL nuns had to reassess and reevaluate their practices following Vatican 2 and submit new constitutions. So even the most traditional communities had to make some changes.

 

St Teresa's constitutions talk about putting a nun into a jail cell if she misbehaves, but this would simply not be allowed today. A superior cannot physically abuse a nun because this is illegal, and no nun is required by obedience to submit to things that are immoral, illegal or against the faith. 

 

The type of penances we had to do in Carmel involved symbolic gestures - nothing that would cause physical harm or psychological abuse to someone. And the decision to enter such a strict convent was of my own free will. I had no problem with any of the austerities there. Guess what? They used hot water for baths - not cold! On days when it was not our bath day, we would take a jug of water (hot again) to our cell and strip off, stand on a plastic mat and wash all over. I actually found this quite refreshing and there is no reason one can't get clean that way (a bit like when you're camping). And even some of the 1991 Carmels followed this practice although not all (in one Carmel we were allowed a shower in our free time any time we needed it - because it was a very hot climate).

 

There has been a lot of talk about abuse in convents on VS from those of us who have left (or been asked to leave) - but at least in my case, none of this has been physical abuse - there is no way I would stand for that. I think the closest approximation to what has occurred to me would better be described as 'workplace bullying' or a  'hostile work environment'. In the world, one can deal with this by reporting the offender and (as happened to me with one workplace manager), going through workplace mediation with the HR department supervising. But in the convent, there is no mediation and if the Prioress refuses to respond to a complaint about the Novice Mistress, or if the Prioress herself is the bully, then there really is no alternative but to leave. Even reporting the problem to a Visitator doesn't help because they actually have no real power over the daily life of an autonomous convent - they simply report what they observe and make recommendations to the community for changes (that aren't always followed).

 

Some people can handle bullying - they are able to endure it without being affected. Others, like myself don't respond well to this kind of authority and find it unbearable. At one convent, my blood pressure shot up to 200/90 and the doctor told me that I was in danger of stroking out. I joked and said that maybe I would get to heaven quicker. She didn't laugh and reminded me that I might not die, just be incapacitated for the rest of my life and dependent on others to take care of me. That sobered me up and I realized that my health wasn't worth risking for a bully, so I left. 

 

I think the important thing is to ask all your questions of the community before you enter. It's harder to enter and leave, than it is to ask your questions first and find out that you simply couldn't live with certain things. Loving the traditional doesn't mean loving medieval practices and attitudes. Before I entered this last time, I told the Prioress all my concerns from previous convents, and asked about possible bullying and many other things that worried me. She told me she felt I had been 'wounded' by my previous experiences in religious life and asked me to spend time speaking with one of the Order's priests to help me heal from it. There is a tremendous relief in feeling accepted and protected. Formation should not be a time of fear and stress, but one of learning how to come closer to God through the love and support of one's sisters. 

 

So whatever traditional books you are reading about nuns, perhaps you should throw them away and actually contact some real communities today and tell them about your fears and ask them about their own lives. Most of the books written by ex-nuns were about convents in pre Vat 2 times. I have read them all and yes, it can be scary if that is where you are getting all your information.

 

You must be feeling some strong calling to continue discerning this vocation despite all your worries about it. All I can say is that yes, there are some dysfunctional communities, just as there are some dysfunctional families in the world - but there are also really beautiful ones - so don't lump them all into one medieval box of horrors. Even those that have caused me problems in the past have some beautiful sisters in them - and one day those beautiful sisters might be in charge, and things will change for for the better in those communities.   :)

[graciandelamadrededios]

I'm sorry you've had bad experiences with communities. Unfortunately for you the really vegetarian orders were mostly Minims and they died out (for the most part) quite a while ago and they also tended to be super penitential. 

 

 

 

What do you mean by Minims died out?

[truthfinder]

What do you mean by Minims died out?

Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that all Minims died out.  However there were offshoots that were extremely austere that no longer exist.

[MaeBern]

I saw this post a while back and I know it is old but I decided to share.

I was a Religious Sister for two years. I was asked to leave for reasons I am still not sure about. In fact, there are some aspects of me that believe I was asked to leave because I was not like everyone else or even to a point that I was not the favorite. It still hurts even to this day.

I was part of a modern community. It started in 1997. There are a few members. When you leave, there is a part of you that wish that you can just disappear and leave in secret. This is how I felt because I did not want to leave. I however experienced that the community wanted to say goodbye. I took the time to say goodbye to each of the members privately however it was up to me. They did not stop me so I am not sure if it was what they wanted. A couple did come back and say goodbye when I went back home. I left when everything was out besides the ones who came back. This was my choice. I had to pretend that nothing was going on and everything was fine when I was with the community as a whole for my final days. Inside you are screaming however, it was best to live the life as if nothing was going on until you leave. This was the hardest thing to do for me.

As for what happens afterwards, the superior stayed in contacted with me for a couple months out of charity. Personally, I do not think she wanted to. It is very painful and there are emotions that only God can get you through. I find that everyone treats you differently when you are no longer a Sister. They view you as someone with a mark or something is wrong with you. I still feel called to Religious Life. I am discerning. I however find it difficult because you have this mark that you left a community. Many communities will not even give me a chance. I finally got a community to let me visit after months of searching. I believe some Catholics view those who left as failures. This has been my experience. You live with a group of people for months and then you are dumped into the world. I visited afterwards and they treat you are as someone below them, like they are superior. This is not how I view Religious Life. I believe that if anything, I learned how to treat those outside of community or those who left. Religious are not superior. In fact, if you are a Religious, I believe one has to take a stand of inferiority. This does not mean that Religious are lower than anyone else or treating this as their self worth. I mean the complete opposite. I mean Religious are to be examples and live in Humility. I am not judging my old community. In fact, they are strong in Humility, much more than I am. This is just based on my experience. It changes you, leaving. I believe I am better for it. I see the community in different eyes than before. If I knew that this would be my experience in Religious Life, would I have joined? I probably would have not if I could get myself out of the clouds that it would never happen to me. I would have joined a more experienced community. Anyway, this is my answer. I hope it helps.

God bless!

Edited July 2, 2017 by MaeBern

[Sponsa-Christi]

@MaeBern I'm sorry to hear about the pain you went through in leaving your community.

But although it sounds like you've gone through some difficulty in dealing with people's reactions after you left, "discerning out" of a religious community (for whatever reason) before final profession is actually kind of normal. I think more and more Catholics familiar with religious life and discernment are coming to understand this now.

Certainly, nobody here on this forum would think badly of you at all---there have been plenty of posters here who have joined a community, discerned out, and then continued discernment elsewhere. 

In case you haven't heard of it, Leonie's Longing is an organization dedicated to helping women who have left convents: http://www.leonieslonging.org/ 

[Carmelite4christ]

On 3/25/2010 at 6:53 PM, cmaD2006 said:

The conversation that followed was one that I shall never forgot. Basically, my superior said, "How could you not know not to say anything? Are you stupid?...You had no concern for your Sisters, you are selfish! -- You are endangering their vocations! You cannot trust your own judgment! You are a poison spreading through the house!... If you hadn't said anything, we could have saved your glory."

Needless to say, after that conversation, I didn't say a word about leaving to anyone. If asked, I would remain silent. There was such coldness. Those words burned into my very soul and cut deep. I felt pretty destroyed after that... destroyed, stupid, ashamed, and above all, remorse for having been so "stupid" and "selfish". I believed everything she said (even though I didn't understand how they could be true -- I believed her because she was my superior) and in turn, I hated myself for all those "reasons".

That time period was probably the darkest and most painful that I have ever experienced.

....

To this day, I pray no one else ever goes through what I did that first time around. If it wasn't for the grace of God, and Him bringing certain people in my life to help me heal (especially Fr. Roger Landry), I think I would have been utterly broken and irreparable.

LC -- I honestly thank you for having shared your experience; they are experiences that do shatter our existence.

I do have to agree with one thing ... when God permits such "dark and painful" experiences, He does give the grace for us to continue to be faithful and He also brings into our lives people to help heal.

In the first community that I was with -- I have to be so thankful for them; for my formation directress help me see that I needed to leave (I had seen everything beforehand in prayer except one item that she brought up). I was able to share with the community that I was leaving, and I have had their support. I was able to call them to let them know that I was entering another community, and I hope someday to go and visit them just to enjoy their company.

I still had my difficulties dealing with leaving, but once I was done grieving the loss I remember the community with much and deep love.

I haven't discussed much my experience on phatmass with respect to the second community ... suffice to say that it did leave me utterly broken; yet for the sheer grace of God and because of a few key people who have been helping me heal have I been able to keep walking in faith.

Finally, you can only know if you are meant to be in a particular community by trying. You may stay for a lifetime, you may stay only through parts of formation ... you may even stay through to perpetual/final vows and yet for whatever reasons need to leave (I recently have had a good sister friend leave a community after 25 years). Just know that God is with you no matter what -- even through the darkness that we all encounter at some point in our life. He is always faithful, regardless of the twists and turns in life.

Yes, I believe Jesus is always with us! He's all that matters. Even in convents, there may be nuns who aren't so kind, I remember inquiring about one  community, and one " just didn't have a liking towards me" it was easy to pick up on, even though I tried to ignore it. So, I asked myself in all honesty, would I want to spend my life here... unf ortunately every vocation comes with the good and the bad. I myself visioned a perfect life if I entered the convent, but in reality there's no such thing. Only in heaven we will experience full bliss. Every now and then my mother will joke around, ( not intended to be crude at all) she would say, I'm glad you didn't become a sister, I was afraid they would hit on you) no, I would tell her...  that wouldn't happen! But anyhow we can live for Jesus in whatever vocation we are called to. It's him that we want to please in this life! I'm sorry to the ones who left the convent and weren't treated so kind. The only thing that would break my heart is if a dear friend left, and became an atheist.... I heard that happened to one lady that was a nun. Now, that's something to be sad about. Other than that as long as we don't lose our relationship with Christ and live for him, that's all that matters.

[ToJesusMyHeart]

I used to be a pretty active member here but have since moved on to other places of the internet. However, I check in occasionally sometimes. I saw this thread pop up and decided I would share my experience.

I had a positive experience leaving my community. I was still in formation, so it wasn't as traumatic as someone who leaves after making vows. However, it was still very difficult and honestly it broke my heart a little to leave. It was my decision to leave, and my superiors were very helpful with the process. I was told to keep it a secret for a couple days, and then announce it to my sisters in a house meeting. Keeping it to myself for those few days was difficult, and made my announcement seem more dramatic than it needed to be. I wept while I told my sisters I had discerned to go elsewhere in life. I had come to love each of them during the time I was there, and it was truly heartbreaking to do. Everyone talks about how difficult it is to join a convent and leave your friends and family...and yes, that is hard. But in my experience, and from reading the other posts here, I believe it is exponentially more difficult to leave a convent than to enter one. I am at mostly peace with my choice, and I don't regret it, but my heart is still tenderly aching sometimes because I miss my Sisters so dearly. I write them once in awhile, but I'm usually too busy and not dedicated enough to get out my pen and stationary. 

I had some lovely one-on-one good-byes with some of my sisters on the rooftop at sunset the night before I was to fly away. I am extremely grateful for those conversations. They provided some much needed closure for me and for my sisters whom I was closest with, including my bathroom-mate, whose cell was connected to mine by a shared bath. The night before I left, one of my sisters took me to Target to purchase some civilian clothes. She was very sweet and encouraged me to choose some nice earrings to go with my outfit. (Pray for her! Sr. Faustina is making final vows this year!) 

The morning of my departure, we had breakfast as a house together in the parlor. The mood was somber but not depressive. I was able to hug each of my sisters goodbye, many tearful embraces and last words were said. Then Sr. Faustina drove me to the airport. I cried the whole flight home and wondered if I was making a mistake.

One funny anecdote to share: I flew away on Virgin America; the safety video is a very upbeat dance video, and one of the characters in the safety dancing video is a habited nun! That made me smile amidst the tears. God knew I needed a little pick-me-up. 

Now I'm working as an elementary school teacher and loving it. I'm dating someone, but it's a new relationship, so I am unsure yet where it may lead. I still think about religious life nearly every day...but I don't think, right now, that it's for me. I try to explain it by saying that I wish I was called to religious life, but I don't think I'm strong enough for it. I want to be friends with every nun I meet, but I don't think I'm cut out to be a nun myself. I'm also somewhat nervous that I wouldn't be accepted to a new community if they learned I left one previously, but perhaps that's a silly fear. In any case, staying with the boyfriend is the plan right now. 

P.S. I'm located in Austin, TX, and if any of you are also in or near Austin, I would love to be real-life friends! It would be a great blessing to have a friend here who understands the experience of religious life. Send me a Message if that's the case. I don't bite, I promise!

[Guest]

1 hour ago, ToJesusMyHeart said:

P.S. I'm located in Austin, TX, and if any of you are also in or near Austin, I would love to be real-life friends! It would be a great blessing to have a friend here who understands the experience of religious life. Send me a Message if that's the case. I don't bite, I promise!

I hope, TJMH, that you will be blest with a happy response and a friend.

2 hours ago, ToJesusMyHeart said:

One funny anecdote to share: I flew away on Virgin America; the safety video is a very upbeat dance video, and one of the characters in the safety dancing video is a habited nun! That made me smile amidst the tears. God knew I needed a little pick-me-up. 

I felt for you reading the above.

Blessings on a your new beginning.  I hope you will find as your journey unfolds that your religious life experience speaks to it (mine did)............who knows, you might even return to the life.  Our God surely is The God of The Surprise.....and He can insist at times in writing very straight in crooked lines.

I love religious life and have to look at every picture and video of nuns and Sisters I come across and to read about religious life.  I came away from the life convinced I had no vocation at all, but by the time I arrived back in Bethany in another state (of Australia) probably 2 days later, I was in real doubt that I had done the right thing.  Some 25years later, I know that I did.