I Need Advice - Desperately!

[PhuturePriest]

I have been seriously discerning the Religious life for over a year now. I have seen two Priests for spiritual direction, but only once for each. The first one is a wonderful and holy-And equally important, traditional-Priest, and I enjoyed my talk with him very much, but I am no longer allowed to see him. I then went to see my friend Father Pascal, another wonderful, holy, and traditional Priest. I have fought endlessly to see either one again so I can have some direction which I so desperately need, but I can't see either of them. I can't see the first one because I answered a question of his wrong, and I can't see the second because I'm simply not allowed. Why am I not? One simple reason: my mother. Concerning the first Priest, I answered one of his questions wrong. I was thrown off because I wasn't expecting him to ask about my home school program, and I answered completely fine, and he seemed quite fine about it, accepting it as an exceptional answer, but according to my mother when I told her about it later, I might as well have told him I haven't done school one day in my life. Thus, I am no longer allowed to see him.

As for the second, I simply don't understand. Seeing him was [i]her [/i]idea! I actually wanted to go with a different Priest at first, but she told me I should go to Father Pascal instead, so I said that was fine, as I didn't care very much who I talked to, just that I got to speak to a Priest. To speak to someone that understands how stressful it is to discern the highest vocation on earth. To speak to someone that understands your fears of not being adequate enough to be a father to the laity, and to bring them to Christ, and someone that understands your fears of what if you're not as good a shepherd as you should be. So, I went to speak with him. We didn't get to talk about what I wanted to talk about really, but I thought that was okay since, after all, I would be seeing him again and could delve deeper into my discernment later, right? Wrong. Exactly on the day marking a month since I had seen him, I told my mother I wanted to speak with him again. I had been saying it before, but I figured that was the deadline. That was when she needed to know how much I wanted to talk with him. However, she was angry, and said things along the lines of "What's he going to do? He can't get you into Seminary or anything. He can't help you until you're eighteen and are old enough." I was completely baffled. Having a spiritual adviser is not about having him help you get into Seminary (Though having a Priest recommend you is a must), but to help you discern whether you should enter Seminary and become a Priest in the first place! She simply doesn't understand. In her opinion, I need only speak with him once or twice a year. I think I should talk with him every four to six weeks, just like every other spiritual adviser on the earth does. What do I do? I literally have no one to talk to about this matter, as my sister is too busy studying for her last tests in college to speak with her about it. I asked my dad, and he tried, but it was to no avail. So, it's come down to having to write this. What are your thoughts, random strangers on the net?

[Nunsense]

Try talking to your Confessor.

[LaPetiteSoeur]

I'd pray for your mom. Perhaps don't bring it up for awhile. When you bring up the subject again, be patient and [i]listen[/i].

And two quick things: could you email them or call them by phone? I know it's not the same, but it is something. The second is more a clarification. All vocations are holy. You mention the priesthood being the "highest vocation." The highest vocation is the one we are given. For a married person, it is marriage. For a religious sister, it is the religious life. For a priest it is the priesthood. All are equal, as all are God's Will for each individual.

Bonne chance, brother!

[PhuturePriest]

[quote name='LaPetiteSoeur' timestamp='1332046511' post='2402873']
I'd pray for your mom. Perhaps don't bring it up for awhile. When you bring up the subject again, be patient and [i]listen[/i].

And two quick things: could you email them or call them by phone? I know it's not the same, but it is something. The second is more a clarification. All vocations are holy. You mention the priesthood being the "highest vocation." The highest vocation is the one we are given. For a married person, it is marriage. For a religious sister, it is the religious life. For a priest it is the priesthood. All are equal, as all are God's Will for each individual.

Bonne chance, brother!
[/quote]

Actually, the Church has stated the Priesthood is the highest vocation on earth. Priests are persona Christi - another Christ. They act in Christ's place on earth. Certainly that is higher than a married man and woman?

dUSt has spoken on the Priesthood being the highest vocation before, and I don't want his brain to explode as he tries to explain it again.

But more onto topic, I don't think emailing will do the trick. I need a personal experience. Simply reading something doesn't do anything for me. I need it to be said personally, and with meaning. Despite the best attempts using exclamation and question marks, written word simply doesn't capture the feeling of a real conversation.

[PhuturePriest]

[quote name='nunsense' timestamp='1332045854' post='2402858']
Try talking to your Confessor.
[/quote]

I don't have a Confessor. I travel too much to have a regular Confessor. Besides, I went through a terrible time with scruples. It's been about six weeks since I last went to Confession, and I'm trying to space out how often I go so I don't think the way I sit is a mortal sin again. And unfortunately, no, I am not kidding.

[LaPetiteSoeur]

[quote name='FuturePriest387' timestamp='1332046939' post='2402880']
Actually, the Church has stated the Priesthood is the highest vocation on earth. Priests are persona Christi - another Christ. They act in Christ's place on earth. Certainly that is higher than a married man and woman?

dUSt has spoken on the Priesthood being the highest vocation before, and I don't want his brain to explode as he tries to explain it again.

But more onto topic, I don't think emailing will do the trick. I need a personal experience. Simply reading something doesn't do anything for me. I need it to be said personally, and with meaning. Despite the best attempts using exclamation and question marks, written word simply doesn't capture the feeling of a real conversation.
[/quote]

I think I may have meant that all are good. It's really late and I should be asleep and not on the internet. I don't know.

Bon soir, before I have to put my foot in my mouth.

[Nunsense]

[quote name='FuturePriest387' timestamp='1332047069' post='2402883']
I don't have a Confessor. I travel too much to have a regular Confessor. Besides, I went through a terrible time with scruples. It's been about six weeks since I last went to Confession, and I'm trying to space out how often I go so I don't think the way I sit is a mortal sin again. And unfortunately, no, I am not kidding.
[/quote]

I can see that you suffer from scruples, but seeing a Confessor once every 6-8 weeks is fine, and you should discuss other things with him at the same time,such as your discernment. If you need to go much more than that in the beginning, maybe you don't need a spiritual director as much as a therapist? Scruples is a type of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and if you focus too much, even on the priesthood, as a person with scruples, you risk falling into an obsession with your discernment as well. Patience brother.

[PhuturePriest]

[quote name='nunsense' timestamp='1332047419' post='2402886']
I can see that you suffer from scruples, but seeing a Confessor once every 6-8 weeks is fine, and you should discuss other things with him at the same time,such as your discernment. If you need to go much more than that in the beginning, maybe you don't need a spiritual director as much as a therapist? Scruples is a type of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and if you focus too much, even on the priesthood, as a person with scruples, you risk falling into an obsession with your discernment as well. Patience brother.
[/quote]

I don't struggle with scruples very much anymore. I struggled with them so much for a while, and then finally, when the year began, it started to fade away into nothing. Sure, sometimes I have a slight scrupulous thought, but I immediately ignore it. It has become really easy to control. I actually don't think I have OCD, to be honest. It's not a problem with OCD as much as it is a spiritual growth problem.

[Nunsense]

[quote name='FuturePriest387' timestamp='1332047707' post='2402888']
I don't struggle with scruples very much anymore. I struggled with them so much for a while, and then finally, when the year began, it started to fade away into nothing. Sure, sometimes I have a slight scrupulous thought, but I immediately ignore it. It has become really easy to control. I actually don't think I have OCD, to be honest. It's not a problem with OCD as much as it is a spiritual growth problem.
[/quote]

Then there is no reason not to discuss your spiritual life with a Confessor next time you go. You do have many years to wait before you can apply to become a priest, and on your own admission, you aren't even sure what kind of priest you want to be yet, and talking about it endlessly isn't going to be the solution to this. Spend more time in prayer and less time trying to figure this out intellectually. Work at becoming holy and that will stand you in good stead, no matter whether you ever become a priest or not. I have met some pretty nasty priests, and some very holy ones... becoming a priest doesn't make you holy no matter how high a vocation it is. So work on that first and let the priest thing unfold as you mature both emotionally and spiritually.

[PhuturePriest]

[quote name='nunsense' timestamp='1332047969' post='2402891']
Then there is no reason not to discuss your spiritual life with a Confessor next time you go. You do have many years to wait before you can apply to become a priest, and on your own admission, you aren't even sure what kind of priest you want to be yet, and talking about it endlessly isn't going to be the solution to this. Spend more time in prayer and less time trying to figure this out intellectually. Work at becoming holy and that will stand you in good stead, no matter whether you ever become a priest or not. I have met some pretty nasty priests, and some very holy ones... becoming a priest doesn't make you holy no matter how high a vocation it is. So work on that first and let the priest thing unfold as you mature both emotionally and spiritually.
[/quote]

I know this. However, I do need a spiritual adviser. There is a specific Carmelite Friar that is on me on getting one. He's reiterated again and again that I need one to help me. I'm trying to locate my vocation without a map or a guide. Praying helps, but I need a spiritual adviser. Almost all Priests and Religious say they had one when they discerned, and I'd like to have one as well.

[Nunsense]

[quote name='FuturePriest387' timestamp='1332048106' post='2402893']
I know this. However, I do need a spiritual adviser. There is a specific Carmelite Friar that is on me on getting one. He's reiterated again and again that I need one to help me. I'm trying to locate my vocation without a map or a guide. Praying helps, but I need a spiritual adviser. Almost all Priests and Religious say they had one when they discerned, and I'd like to have one as well.
[/quote]

You are very confusing sometimes. If a specific Carmelites friar is advising this, why isnt' he offering to do it for you? And as a Carmelite, he should also know that not everyone is able to get a good spiritual director (St John of the Cross said that no SD was better than a bad one) and that St Therese asked Jesus to be her SD. If two priests have already turned down the job, perhaps they are trying to say that you still have time before you really need to discern that much, especially considering your past scruples, and that you could just relax and let the Holy Spirit guide you for awhile. you seem very tense and anxious about this whole thing which raises alarm bells in me.


Maybe stop trying to force things and let God be in control for awhile.

[Lilllabettt]

You are in a hurry to know. When I was young, I was in such a hurry I pretty much wished my life away. I was in such a rush to get to my vocation, I missed my vocation (what I was called to be doing in the present moment.)

God's will is for you to be holy - right now. To be holy, you must honor and obey your parents in all that is not sin. Be at peace then, knowing what it is you must do.

[PhuturePriest]

[quote name='nunsense' timestamp='1332049033' post='2402896']
You are very confusing sometimes. If a specific Carmelites friar is advising this, why isnt' he offering to do it for you? And as a Carmelite, he should also know that not everyone is able to get a good spiritual director (St John of the Cross said that no SD was better than a bad one) and that St Therese asked Jesus to be her SD. If two priests have already turned down the job, perhaps they are trying to say that you still have time before you really need to discern that much, especially considering your past scruples, and that you could just relax and let the Holy Spirit guide you for awhile. you seem very tense and anxious about this whole thing which raises alarm bells in me.


Maybe stop trying to force things and let God be in control for awhile.
[/quote]

I don't know him in real life. I know him on the internet. Also, the Priests did not turn me down. You're probably just tired, but as stated in my original post, my mom won't let me see them. They would be happy to speak with me again.

I'm not trying to force things. But continually people tell me that I need a spiritual director. Besides, either of these two Priests would be splendid Spiritual Directors.

[PhuturePriest]

[quote name='Lilllabettt' timestamp='1332049429' post='2402898']
You are in a hurry to know. When I was young, I was in such a hurry I pretty much wished my life away. I was in such a rush to get to my vocation, I missed my vocation (what I was called to be doing in the present moment.)

God's will is for you to be holy - right now. To be holy, you must honor and obey your parents in all that is not sin. Be at peace then, knowing what it is you must do.
[/quote]

I have received this advice before. From my first encounter with the first Priest I talked to, in fact. I have taken his advice and used it. I no longer wish away my life. However, I do need direction, not just vocationally, but spiritually. I have nowhere else to get it.

[Lilllabettt]

Ask the Holy Spirit to be your director. His appointments are flexible.

[Nunsense]

[quote name='FuturePriest387' timestamp='1332049577' post='2402900']
I don't know him in real life. I know him on the internet. Also, the Priests did not turn me down. You're probably just tired, but as stated in my original post, my mom won't let me see them. They would be happy to speak with me again.

I'm not trying to force things. But continually people tell me that I need a spiritual director. Besides, either of these two Priests would be splendid Spiritual Directors.
[/quote]

Well, then if you think this Carmelite's advice is so essential, ask him how to find a good SD in your current situation, since it is his advice that seems to be causing you this concern.

As for being tired, no, the time difference is significant and it is not even dark or evening here yet. I was basing my assumption on the fact that you wrote that your answer to one of the priests was 'wrong' - this made it seem to me as if he didn't want to see you again. If however, both priests still want to see you, then the problem is with your mother, so trying to find another priest is not the answer, but trying to communicate with your mother is. And as your parent, she is the authority in your life at the moment, so this is a good time to practice obedience to her.

You could try asking her if you could discuss the topic with her at some future time, a date that you both agree on, such as in one month or 6 weeks etc. You need to work this out with her, if she is the obstacle. Just getting more names of priests is not the solution if I have understood your problem correctly.

And even if people continually tell you that you need a SD, that doesn't make it true. It may be that this is the time to be patient and humble, and not pushy and demanding. A spiritual director will come when God deems it to be the right time, as long as you stay open to His will and not your own. My prayers are with you as you try to learn this lesson.

Edited March 18, 2012 by nunsense

[Antigonos]

[quote name='FuturePriest387' timestamp='1332049577' post='2402900']
I don't know him in real life. I know him on the internet. Also, the Priests did not turn me down. You're probably just tired, but as stated in my original post, my mom won't let me see them. They would be happy to speak with me again.

I'm not trying to force things. But continually people tell me that I need a spiritual director. Besides, either of these two Priests would be splendid Spiritual Directors.
[/quote]

I think that if your mother won't "allow" you to see a priest on a regular basis, you need to wait until you don't need her permission. Work on patience, it's not only a virtue, but it's good training. Remember that she knows you better than anyone else and that she has your best interests at heart -- and that you have many, many years ahead of you. As a line in the film "The Nun's Story" goes: "Saints aren't made in a day".

[PhuturePriest]

[quote name='nunsense' timestamp='1332050810' post='2402908']
Well, then if you think this Carmelite's advice is so essential, ask him how to find a good SD in your current situation, since it is his advice that seems to be causing you this concern.

As for being tired, no, the time difference is significant and it is not even dark or evening here yet. I was basing my assumption on the fact that you wrote that your answer to one of the priests was 'wrong' - this made it seem to me as if he didn't want to see you again. If however, both priests still want to see you, then the problem is with your mother, so trying to find another priest is not the answer, but trying to communicate with your mother is. And as your parent, she is the authority in your life at the moment, so this is a good time to practice obedience to her.

You could try asking her if you could discuss the topic with her at some future time, a date that you both agree on, such as in one month or 6 weeks etc. You need to work this out with her, if she is the obstacle. Just getting more names of priests is not the solution if I have understood your problem correctly.

And even if people continually tell you that you need a SD, that doesn't make it true. It may be that this is the time to be patient and humble, and not pushy and demanding. A spiritual director will come when God deems it to be the right time, as long as you stay open to His will and not your own. My prayers are with you as you try to learn this lesson.
[/quote]

Well, you might've read my post wrong (Or I may not have posted clearly enough) but I never said the Priest was wrong. I said that according to my mother I answered one of his questions wrong, though he seemed like I answered it quite adequately.

I am hearing this from a lot of people I trust. Some are Religious, others are very experienced and well-learned. They all say I need a spiritual adviser, and I agree. I've wanted one for so long. My sister had one and she loved it. As stated previously, this is not merely about vocational discernment, but about spiritual growth as well. How can I grow closer to Christ when I am not sure which side of the fork in the road to take? I need someone to guide me, and who better than a holy Priest that knows what he's doing?

Well, the problem is, I'm almost certain she's pre-menopausal, so trying to reason with her and having a nice chat with her about a topic she's uncomfortable with is like shooting a bull with a .22 It's not going to have the effect you wanted it to have, and it's likely to backfire in the end. My dad really likes the idea, and he says I can even see him once a month if he has the time, but my mother doesn't seem as if she wants this to happen. She simply doesn't understand, and she won't until she allows someone smart like my sister to explain it to her.

[penguin31]

Two things I didn't get to say while offering counsel in chat:

First, quoting nunsense: "Maybe stop trying to force things and let God be in control for awhile.". Religious life is all ABOUT putting God in complete control. Going where He needs you, WHEN He needs you there.

Secondly: In discerning the Priesthood, consider that one of the best virtues a Priest can possess is patience. There are so many things that will test and try *anyone* in that role, and sometimes it's important to know that not all things happen in an instant, and that sometimes just waiting and being patient is the best way to be obedient to what God wants of you.

Edited March 18, 2012 by penguin31

[maximillion]

I agree with other posters - to me it seems like PEOPLE are telling you need an SD, and you yourself would like one, but maybe HE has other intentions for you, again, as mentioned by others. Waiting on the Lord is such a good lesson.....waiting with a silent and full heart, waiting His will. I am certain that if you can put everything into listening to that still small voice[i] within[/i], then you will know peace, with an SD or without.