I Need Advice - Desperately!

[AccountDeleted]

[quote name='FuturePriest387' timestamp='1332049577' post='2402900']
I don't know him in real life. I know him on the internet. Also, the Priests did not turn me down. You're probably just tired, but as stated in my original post, my mom won't let me see them. They would be happy to speak with me again.

I'm not trying to force things. But continually people tell me that I need a spiritual director. Besides, either of these two Priests would be splendid Spiritual Directors.
[/quote]

Well, then if you think this Carmelite's advice is so essential, ask him how to find a good SD in your current situation, since it is his advice that seems to be causing you this concern.

As for being tired, no, the time difference is significant and it is not even dark or evening here yet. I was basing my assumption on the fact that you wrote that your answer to one of the priests was 'wrong' - this made it seem to me as if he didn't want to see you again. If however, both priests still want to see you, then the problem is with your mother, so trying to find another priest is not the answer, but trying to communicate with your mother is. And as your parent, she is the authority in your life at the moment, so this is a good time to practice obedience to her.

You could try asking her if you could discuss the topic with her at some future time, a date that you both agree on, such as in one month or 6 weeks etc. You need to work this out with her, if she is the obstacle. Just getting more names of priests is not the solution if I have understood your problem correctly.

And even if people continually tell you that you need a SD, that doesn't make it true. It may be that this is the time to be patient and humble, and not pushy and demanding. A spiritual director will come when God deems it to be the right time, as long as you stay open to His will and not your own. My prayers are with you as you try to learn this lesson.

Edited March 18, 2012 by nunsense

[Antigonos]

[quote name='FuturePriest387' timestamp='1332049577' post='2402900']
I don't know him in real life. I know him on the internet. Also, the Priests did not turn me down. You're probably just tired, but as stated in my original post, my mom won't let me see them. They would be happy to speak with me again.

I'm not trying to force things. But continually people tell me that I need a spiritual director. Besides, either of these two Priests would be splendid Spiritual Directors.
[/quote]

I think that if your mother won't "allow" you to see a priest on a regular basis, you need to wait until you don't need her permission. Work on patience, it's not only a virtue, but it's good training. Remember that she knows you better than anyone else and that she has your best interests at heart -- and that you have many, many years ahead of you. As a line in the film "The Nun's Story" goes: "Saints aren't made in a day".

[PhuturePriest]

[quote name='nunsense' timestamp='1332050810' post='2402908']
Well, then if you think this Carmelite's advice is so essential, ask him how to find a good SD in your current situation, since it is his advice that seems to be causing you this concern.

As for being tired, no, the time difference is significant and it is not even dark or evening here yet. I was basing my assumption on the fact that you wrote that your answer to one of the priests was 'wrong' - this made it seem to me as if he didn't want to see you again. If however, both priests still want to see you, then the problem is with your mother, so trying to find another priest is not the answer, but trying to communicate with your mother is. And as your parent, she is the authority in your life at the moment, so this is a good time to practice obedience to her.

You could try asking her if you could discuss the topic with her at some future time, a date that you both agree on, such as in one month or 6 weeks etc. You need to work this out with her, if she is the obstacle. Just getting more names of priests is not the solution if I have understood your problem correctly.

And even if people continually tell you that you need a SD, that doesn't make it true. It may be that this is the time to be patient and humble, and not pushy and demanding. A spiritual director will come when God deems it to be the right time, as long as you stay open to His will and not your own. My prayers are with you as you try to learn this lesson.
[/quote]

Well, you might've read my post wrong (Or I may not have posted clearly enough) but I never said the Priest was wrong. I said that according to my mother I answered one of his questions wrong, though he seemed like I answered it quite adequately.

I am hearing this from a lot of people I trust. Some are Religious, others are very experienced and well-learned. They all say I need a spiritual adviser, and I agree. I've wanted one for so long. My sister had one and she loved it. As stated previously, this is not merely about vocational discernment, but about spiritual growth as well. How can I grow closer to Christ when I am not sure which side of the fork in the road to take? I need someone to guide me, and who better than a holy Priest that knows what he's doing?

Well, the problem is, I'm almost certain she's pre-menopausal, so trying to reason with her and having a nice chat with her about a topic she's uncomfortable with is like shooting a bull with a .22 It's not going to have the effect you wanted it to have, and it's likely to backfire in the end. My dad really likes the idea, and he says I can even see him once a month if he has the time, but my mother doesn't seem as if she wants this to happen. She simply doesn't understand, and she won't until she allows someone smart like my sister to explain it to her.

[penguin31]

Two things I didn't get to say while offering counsel in chat:

First, quoting nunsense: "Maybe stop trying to force things and let God be in control for awhile.". Religious life is all ABOUT putting God in complete control. Going where He needs you, WHEN He needs you there.

Secondly: In discerning the Priesthood, consider that one of the best virtues a Priest can possess is patience. There are so many things that will test and try *anyone* in that role, and sometimes it's important to know that not all things happen in an instant, and that sometimes just waiting and being patient is the best way to be obedient to what God wants of you.

Edited March 18, 2012 by penguin31

[maximillion]

I agree with other posters - to me it seems like PEOPLE are telling you need an SD, and you yourself would like one, but maybe HE has other intentions for you, again, as mentioned by others. Waiting on the Lord is such a good lesson.....waiting with a silent and full heart, waiting His will. I am certain that if you can put everything into listening to that still small voice[i] within[/i], then you will know peace, with an SD or without.

[hope&memory]

I can't help it. I have to reply to this. I hope it helps. Remember I have said it with all the best intentions and prayers for your vocation. And a lot of this is reiteration of what posters have said above but it appears you aren't listening because you are determined you need a spiritual director and only a real live one who says things with meaning, that your mom approves of, and that is holy will do.

One thing that stuck out to me is that you think you have a vocation to the priesthood but you don't have a confessor. Really? Because you travel too much? You travel to places where they don't have confessors? Please go to confession. And if you really want to be a saint, go to a priest who you think isn't "holy". You might be surprised and enlightened.


[quote name='FuturePriest387' timestamp='1332051808' post='2402910']
I am hearing this from a lot of people I trust. Some are Religious, others are very experienced and well-learned. [/quote]

Probably because you are asking questions on the internet to people who are so very experienced and well-learned they know that these are questions that should not be asked on the internet. Get off the internet and ask God. It's called "praying" and it's much cooler than the internet.

[quote]They all say I need a spiritual adviser, and I agree. I've wanted one for so long. My sister had one and she loved it. As stated previously, this is not merely about vocational discernment, but about spiritual growth as well. How can I grow closer to Christ when I am not sure which side of the fork in the road to take? I need someone to guide me, and who better than a holy Priest that knows what he's doing?[/quote]

There's the rub, in my opinion. "Your sister had a spiritual director and loved it." Isn't it awful when our siblings have something we don't have?

You know how you can grow closer to Christ? You read scripture. You go to Mass. You read books. You pay attention. You pray. You pray. Do you know how many saints there were in the history of the Church who didn't have a spiritual director? Read about them. You obviously can write so write down your thoughts and feelings (in private so that they are real and not some tome you have written to make others see how holy and scrupulous you are) and get to know yourself. Find the dark spots and scrub them clean with virtue. As far as knowing which fork in the road to take, take the one that leads you closer to God, which is usually the hardest one. If you don't know, then don't take it, Robert Frost.

You know the best way, though, to grow closer to Christ? You suffer. In silence. Not by blah blah blahing all over the internet about your pre-menopausal mom. You want to be "in persona Christi"? You think you are worthy of that? Then you had better get used to suffering in silence because that is what He did.


Your blatant and repetitive judging of priests (whether they are "holy" or not so) is going to get you into trouble in this life AND the next. Only God knows our hearts and whether we are "holy." A priest who seems to be good and holy externally could be black as night on the inside, and a priest that seems like a buffoon could be a saint.

And finally, do you know what humility is and how important it is in drawing near to God? I would suggest some in-depth research on that topic. Some words that define a humble person are: teachable, flexible, patient, invisible, reserved, mild. Yesterday's Gospel reading was on the Publican and the Pharisee? Which one are you?

[LaPetiteSoeur]

[quote name='maximillion' timestamp='1332061872' post='2402926']
I agree with other posters - to me it seems like PEOPLE are telling you need an SD, and you yourself would like one, but maybe HE has other intentions for you, again, as mentioned by others. Waiting on the Lord is such a good lesson.....waiting with a silent and full heart, waiting His will. I am certain that if you can put everything into listening to that still small voice[i] within[/i], then you will know peace, with an SD or without.
[/quote]

Waiting is wonderful. I waited two years until I was able to go to a SD and God found me the perfect one for what I was going through.

[StClare_OraProNobis]

I think you ranting about your mother on the internet might be confessable matter. Especially the analogy of the bull and and 22 and saying someone smart needs to explain something to her. PEOPLE may be telling you to get a spiritual advisor but GOD HIMSELF tells you to "Honor your mother and your father."

I do think a bit less time asking people on the internet for guidance and a bit more time in prayer would be most beneficial to you. Afterall, a spiritual advisor is there to help you with prayer...so they can't do the heavy lifting for you. God knows what you need. Here is a little free spiritual advice...trust Him!

[Archaeology cat]

[quote name='StClare_OraProNobis' timestamp='1332080339' post='2402958']
I think you ranting about your mother on the internet might be confessable matter. Especially the analogy of the bull and and 22 and saying someone smart needs to explain something to her. PEOPLE may be telling you to get a spiritual advisor but GOD HIMSELF tells you to "Honor your mother and your father."

I do think a bit less time asking people on the internet for guidance and a bit more time in prayer would be most beneficial to you. Afterall, a spiritual advisor is there to help you with prayer...so they can't do the heavy lifting for you. God knows what you need. Here is a little free spiritual advice...trust Him!
[/quote]This. I don't know your mother - she may be hormonal, but she may not, and her concerns shouldn't be chalked up to that even if she is. A woman's hormones can give her strength, and can also make her feel as if she's going insane or sick or anything else. It is our cross, and some times are more difficult than others. During those times, a little understanding goes a long way. I'm just trying to explain it a bit, because it's not something you'd understand first-hand. I can't understand perimenopause first-hand, but do understand how hormones affect one, having experienced pregnancies, hormone fluctuations, etc.

I also remember Jesus making Himself obedient to Mary and Joseph, though He is God. Wish I could say I had that humility and self-sacrifice, but I am not there yet.

As for the SD, I can somewhat understand your impatience. Lean on God, He will provide. May God bless you.

[Maggyie]

For the vast majority of Christians the path to holiness does not include a spiritual director This is because they are hard to find, and good ones, even harder.

Luckily God is not limited to providing guidance through a spiritual director.

I think the Carmelite Friar told you to get an SD to move forward with your discernment. No SD, no next steps with discernment.

It's really OK to pause in your discernment. At this stage in your life your primary call is to obey your mother and treat her with respect. If she is displeased with you discerning then you should stop active discernment. It's not forever and it will please God. If you have a vocation, it will be waiting for you when you are a grown man and no longer obligated to obey your parents. You can still proceed with prayer and fasting which are the primary methods of discerning a vocation, anyway.

She can't demand that you quit growing in holiness, however, and you can do that very easily without an SD. Most people do.

[Indwelling Trinity]

I think you need to talk with your Mom... It sounds like you need some space and someone else to talk to besides her. Parents want the best for their children and so too your Mom for you.

It sounds like what is happening to you is a normal part of the individuation process that each person must go through if they are to be whole human beings. Struggles are a part of that process so what you are going through is all normal.

After praying, speak to your parents of your needs. Voicing ones need does not imply disobedience. The sphere of your world is broadening as it should be. Yet opening up and letting go is not easy for parents or children and is often fraught with conflict. It needs to be done slowly, thoughtfully and prayerfully in order to obtain best results and minimal conflict.

But no matter the circumstances, God is always present in your soul. Meet him there and ask him to open the way for you. But be honest with your Mom. Even though you my not be old enough for the seminary, the formation of ones vocation begins many years earlier in preparation of one day having the maturity to fulfill that calling in a healthy and balanced manner.

Having sound spiritual direction on a regular basis will help in that process, whether it be priesthood or any other vocation. The same goes with scruples. A good priest can guide you through that as well as a knowlegable therapist who also can appreciate the faith dimension of your life.

Many a Saint has gone through your same difficulties on both levels; but rather than be defeated by them , they used them to strengthen their faith and fortitude. Use these trials and tribulations to grow inwardly in your dependence on God. speak what you must,in love, then leave the rest in God's hands and he will not fail to lead you.

There are no easy answers here. Only Faith filled ones.

My poor prayers for you and your Mom.

Edited March 18, 2012 by Indwelling Trinity

[Tally Marx]

When I was younger, I wanted to join a Third Order. It was a good thing in itself...surely it would have helped me...I wanted it...
Doesn't that mean God wanted it, too?!

No.

I tried so very hard to find a Third Order and join. It did not work out. I try to forget the concrete reason, because that is really beside the point. The fact is, it didn't work out.

I wasn't happy about it. But I eventually came to realize that, if God actually wanted that for me, He would have given it to me. He doesn't put a desire on our hearts that He doesn't plan to fill. It wasn't for lack of work or will on my part that my plan didn't work out; it was for lack of God's will. It was my plan, not His. It took me a while, but I learned to accept that, to put aside my worrying, obsessive desire and simply trust Him. And now I see that the whole matter wouldn't really have been good for me, and God has so many better things in store.

So, if I'm saying anything at all...
Trust God. Don't toil, but be like the lilies. If it's His will, it will happen. If you get nothing else out of your ordeal, you will have further perfected the hardest virtue to gain: trust in God.

Edited March 18, 2012 by Tally Marx

[PhuturePriest]

[quote name='hope&memory' timestamp='1332072887' post='2402937']
I can't help it. I have to reply to this. I hope it helps. Remember I have said it with all the best intentions and prayers for your vocation. And a lot of this is reiteration of what posters have said above but it appears you aren't listening because you are determined you need a spiritual director and only a real live one who says things with meaning, that your mom approves of, and that is holy will do.

One thing that stuck out to me is that you think you have a vocation to the priesthood but you don't have a confessor. Really? Because you travel too much? You travel to places where they don't have confessors? Please go to confession. And if you really want to be a saint, go to a priest who you think isn't "holy". You might be surprised and enlightened.




Probably because you are asking questions on the internet to people who are so very experienced and well-learned they know that these are questions that should not be asked on the internet. Get off the internet and ask God. It's called "praying" and it's much cooler than the internet.



There's the rub, in my opinion. "Your sister had a spiritual director and loved it." Isn't it awful when our siblings have something we don't have?

You know how you can grow closer to Christ? You read scripture. You go to Mass. You read books. You pay attention. You pray. You pray. Do you know how many saints there were in the history of the Church who didn't have a spiritual director? Read about them. You obviously can write so write down your thoughts and feelings (in private so that they are real and not some tome you have written to make others see how holy and scrupulous you are) and get to know yourself. Find the dark spots and scrub them clean with virtue. As far as knowing which fork in the road to take, take the one that leads you closer to God, which is usually the hardest one. If you don't know, then don't take it, Robert Frost.

You know the best way, though, to grow closer to Christ? You suffer. In silence. Not by blah blah blahing all over the internet about your pre-menopausal mom. You want to be "in persona Christi"? You think you are worthy of that? Then you had better get used to suffering in silence because that is what He did.


Your blatant and repetitive judging of priests (whether they are "holy" or not so) is going to get you into trouble in this life AND the next. Only God knows our hearts and whether we are "holy." A priest who seems to be good and holy externally could be black as night on the inside, and a priest that seems like a buffoon could be a saint.

And finally, do you know what humility is and how important it is in drawing near to God? I would suggest some in-depth research on that topic. Some words that define a humble person are: teachable, flexible, patient, invisible, reserved, mild. Yesterday's Gospel reading was on the Publican and the Pharisee? Which one are you?
[/quote]

Like you, I can't not respond to this.

I do confess my sins regularly. I used to go every week before I stopped at the beginning of the year so I could maybe not worry that listening to The Priests' CD's was a mortal sin. However, I do not have a regular confessor. I travel all of the time, and therefore don't have the opportunity to have a regular confessor.

This is most certainly about my sister having one and I do not. I've never worried about petty things like that. This is so that I can grow spiritually and vocationally. I repeatedly hear that I am not yet fully matured. Well, this is a way to fully mature. To have a Priest tell me that maybe I'm a little too opinionated on some subjects and not opinionated enough on others will help me. Besides that, I need a good friend. Why not make a good friendship with my own Father, who will help me grow into a man?

I read half an hour of the Bible a day. I pray an hour a day minimum, and regularly go over that. I'm not boasting, but I do what you recommend already. I have a life-long penance to pray to the Holy Spirit every single day that I got when I went to Confession once, and I've really started to enjoy it. Last night, I asked Jesus and the Holy Spirit to help me and to guide me spiritually and vocationally. I told Jesus that I would try to get a spiritual adviser, and if it didn't work out I would take that as a sign that I am not to have one yet. I say "yet" because it is very normal to have a Priest from the Seminary direct and guide you during your Seminary years.

And most importantly, I am not judging Priests. I would never do such a thing. To judge a Priest is to judge a man that God called to be our Father, to guide and lead us to Him. Obviously, in a spiritual adviser I will look for a Priest that is holy and hasn't let the world get to him, and I will tend to avoid those that are involved in scandals.

Edited March 18, 2012 by FuturePriest387

[marigold]

Can I ask you what it was you were hoping to get out of asking for advice on here, FP?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems to me that you asked for advice about what to do about your situation, which is that you feel you need a spiritual director but for reasons out of your control haven't been provided one. Several people took the time to write you detailed, compassionate answers, with practical suggestions. But instead of thanking them and going off to quietly set about putting their suggestions to use, you have - so far - simply refuted them point by point without seeming to take them on board. So that's why I was wondering what you wanted to see.

[PhuturePriest]

[quote name='marigold' timestamp='1332106591' post='2403349']
Can I ask you what it was you were hoping to get out of asking for advice on here, FP?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems to me that you asked for advice about what to do about your situation, which is that you feel you need a spiritual director but for reasons out of your control haven't been provided one. Several people took the time to write you detailed, compassionate answers, with practical suggestions. But instead of thanking them and going off to quietly set about putting their suggestions to use, you have - so far - simply refuted them point by point without seeming to take them on board. So that's why I was wondering what you wanted to see.
[/quote]

I have taken their advice. I asked the Holy Spirit to be my spiritual adviser and everything. However, I'm not giving up on getting a Priest to be my physical spiritual adviser. If I realize that I simply can't get one, I will take it as a sign that Jesus doesn't want me to have one yet, or one at all.

However, I specifically wanted advice on how to confront my mother on this, rather than people telling me to give up on getting a spiritual adviser entirely. This is fine. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. But I need a teacher, someone I can trust and someone whom I can tell everything to. I of course already have this in Jesus, but I would like to have someone to speak to me physically as well.

Edited March 18, 2012 by FuturePriest387