Advice Or Prayers, I Guess.

[Spem in alium]

So for all of you who know the deal, things really aren't getting much better with the living situation. I feel like such an outsider around my suitemates - they're all friends and all do stuff together, and I am left here alone (which is fine, I don't mind being alone, but they pretty much act like I'm not around). I'm getting involved in more things to take me outside of my room, but I can't stay away all the time.

I've tried speaking to them, I've tried being friendly, but they don't really carry conversations with me. It pretty much stops with me asking how they're going (people do that all the time in Australia, but it doesn't seem to be a big thing here). They invite people (mostly guys) around without me knowing - I don't mind them having people here, but I wish they would tell me because it's disruptive. Sometimes they've woken me up with their noise. They're loud and I'm not, and their conversations and actions can be pretty inappropriate. A couple of times they've brought alcohol here and they go out pretty regularly, and they're all underage.

I have a mentor, and I spoke to her about what's going on. She and one of the staff from the international office are concerned. Apparently, my living situation is "not ideal", and they're encouraging me (or at least stressing the option) to move out and find a new place to live.

I really don't know what to do. I feel pretty depressed here, but part of me doesn't want to be cruel. They are nice girls and they can be friendly. I'm too shy to raise any issue, and I don't want to upset anyone. As much as I love being here, I didn't expect to feel so alone and so sad. I was so overwhelmed yesterday, I cried for the first time in ages.

I guess I just needed to vent. Pretty stressed and lost. Any advice or prayers would be really appreciated. Thanks, pham.

Edited September 6, 2012 by Spem in alium

[Spem in alium]

...aaaand, right now they're talking about me in whispers.

[Slappo]

If it's an unhealthy living situation, and you have any opportunities to leave then you should strongly consider doing so. Your personal health (mental/physical/emotional) and well being is more important than the feelings of your suite mates who don't treat you very kindly, so don't look at moving out as being rude, disrespectful or mean.

[Lil Red]

have you communicated with them at all about how you are feeling? they aren't mind-readers, and don't know how you're feeling. be up front, kindly, with them. that would be a good start.

[AnneLine]

Charity begins with truth, Spem... and they are NOT being nice, they are not being kind.... they are being what we call 'cliquish' (in other words, behaving in a way that is deliberately excluding you and being mean to you).

See if your residence advisor and/or the International Students office can help you arrange for a roommate switch. You have done what you can... now it is time for the people who are paid to deal with these things to DEAL with it.

I am sorry that they are behaving like this -- there actually was a movie in the States called 'mean girls' which really sounds apropos...

Prayers you definitely have...

Edited September 6, 2012 by AnneLine

[Lil Red]

am i reading her situation wrong? i don't see them being mean, just gravitating to people who are like them? if one girl is naturally outgoing, likes to party, etc, she will gravitate towards someone like that, not out of meanness, but out of personality type. doesn't mean she/they are being deliberately mean just because they don't know how to approach Spem who sounds naturally shy and introverted.

or i could just be not understanding.

[AnneLine]

Spem, we probably need a bit of a clarification. I think you have said on previous threads that you have tried to connect with them a number of times, and they keep rebuffing you. And that they have been deliberately mean to you.

And that they have invited in guys to spend the night.... even though you made it clear you aren't comforatable with this....

Did I misunderstand? (If I am in error, I apologize.... to them and to you....)

Edited September 6, 2012 by AnneLine

[MissScripture]

[quote name='Lil Red' timestamp='1346893648' post='2479173']
have you communicated with them at all about how you are feeling? they aren't mind-readers, and don't know how you're feeling. be up front, kindly, with them. that would be a good start.
[/quote]
To add on to this, if you have an RA, would you be able to have the RA help you talk to them? I know when I had roommate issues, the RA was there to help me so it was a little less intimidating.

That said, if there are others who are closer to the situation (such as your mentor and the other staff member) who think that the situation needs to be remedied, I would strongly consider it, if I were you.

[Spem in alium]

[quote name='Slappo' timestamp='1346893475' post='2479171']
If it's an unhealthy living situation, and you have any opportunities to leave then you should strongly consider doing so. Your personal health (mental/physical/emotional) and well being is more important than the feelings of your suite mates who don't treat you very kindly, so don't look at moving out as being rude, disrespectful or mean.
[/quote]

Thanks. It is affecting my health. One of them is in one of my classes, and she acts cold towards me for a reason I don't really understand. She's the real one upsetting me.

[quote name='Lil Red' timestamp='1346893648' post='2479173']
have you communicated with them at all about how you are feeling? they aren't mind-readers, and don't know how you're feeling. be up front, kindly, with them. that would be a good start.
[/quote]

I want to, but I'm very timid. And I think that's part of the problem, they're very outgoing. I could probably talk to my roommate as she's quite nice to me.
.

[quote name='Lil Red' timestamp='1346894000' post='2479177']
am i reading her situation wrong? i don't see them being mean, just gravitating to people who are like them? if one girl is naturally outgoing, likes to party, etc, she will gravitate towards someone like that, not out of meanness, but out of personality type. doesn't mean she/they are being deliberately mean just because they don't know how to approach Spem who sounds naturally shy and introverted.

or i could just be not understanding.
[/quote]

You're not misunderstanding, they're not really being mean. What I would consider rude is one who is being cold towards me for no real reason, and the fact that a couple of times I've heard them speaking about me in a way that sounds cruel.

Edited September 6, 2012 by Spem in alium

[Lil Red]

[quote name='AnneLine' timestamp='1346894184' post='2479181']
Spem, we probably need a bit of a clarification. I think you have said on previous threads that you have tried to connect with them a number of times, and they keep rebuffing you. And that they have been deliberately mean to you. Did I misunderstand? (If I am in error, I apologize....)
[/quote]

oh, i missed those threads maybe?

at any rate, if they're like that, then i still suggest the direct approach.

[MissScripture]

[quote name='Lil Red' timestamp='1346894000' post='2479177']
am i reading her situation wrong? i don't see them being mean, just gravitating to people who are like them? if one girl is naturally outgoing, likes to party, etc, she will gravitate towards someone like that, not out of meanness, but out of personality type. doesn't mean she/they are being deliberately mean just because they don't know how to approach Spem who sounds naturally shy and introverted.

or i could just be not understanding.
[/quote]
From my understanding, they're all friends, and deliberately not including her, and overall, being inconsiderate and rude, by not acknowledging when she's tried to be friendly and breaking the rules of the dorm (underage drinking, guys over past visiting hours, etc).

[Spem in alium]

[quote name='AnneLine' timestamp='1346894184' post='2479181']
Spem, we probably need a bit of a clarification. I think you have said on previous threads that you have tried to connect with them a number of times, and they keep rebuffing you. And that they have been deliberately mean to you.

And that they have invited in guys to spend the night.... even though you made it clear you aren't comforatable with this....

Did I misunderstand? (If I am in error, I apologize.... to them and to you....)
[/quote]

They're not being "mean" as such. They do kind of rebuff me, but I'm not sure if that's intentional or just their attitude.

[quote name='MissScripture' timestamp='1346894250' post='2479182']
To add on to this, if you have an RA, would you be able to have the RA help you talk to them? I know when I had roommate issues, the RA was there to help me so it was a little less intimidating.

That said, if there are others who are closer to the situation (such as your mentor and the other staff member) who think that the situation needs to be remedied, I would strongly consider it, if I were you.
[/quote]

The RA could probably help to facilitate things. I will talk to my mentor and the office in more depth, but I'm just really shy about this. I don't want to cause a problem and end up putting a damper on my time here.

[Lil Red]

[quote name='Spem in alium' timestamp='1346894274' post='2479183']You're not misunderstanding, they're not really being mean. What I would consider rude is one who is being cold towards me for no real reason, and the fact that a couple of times I've heard them speaking about me in a way that sounds cruel.[/quote]

sorry to harp on this, but a lot of times people don't know how they're coming off. i know when i am upset/frustrated with someone, i shut down and can seem cold or off-putting because i am processing my feelings. it has nothing to do with the other person.

anyway, i'm just saying, maybe this person doesn't know she's coming off beeshy?

[Spem in alium]

[quote name='MissScripture' timestamp='1346894341' post='2479186']
From my understanding, they're all friends, and deliberately not including her, and overall, being inconsiderate and rude, by not acknowledging when she's tried to be friendly and breaking the rules of the dorm (underage drinking, guys over past visiting hours, etc).
[/quote]

Yep, this is how I would explain it. A couple of times they've invited me to do stuff, but most of the time they just leave without saying bye.

[Lil Red]

[quote name='Spem in alium' timestamp='1346894462' post='2479188']
They're not being "mean" as such. They do kind of rebuff me, but I'm not sure if that's intentional or just their attitude.

The RA could probably help to facilitate things. I will talk to my mentor and the office in more depth, but I'm just really shy about this. [b]I don't want to cause a problem and end up putting a damper on my time here.[/b]
[/quote]

how long are you there, and how big is this college?

[Spem in alium]

[quote name='Lil Red' timestamp='1346894487' post='2479189']
sorry to harp on this, but a lot of times people don't know how they're coming off. i know when i am upset/frustrated with someone, i shut down and can seem cold or off-putting because i am processing my feelings. it has nothing to do with the other person.

anyway, i'm just saying, maybe this person doesn't know she's coming off beeshy?
[/quote]

Maybe she doesn't. I'd be too nervous to say anything anyway.

[AnneLine]

Spem, if your roommate is treating you well, have you asked her what she thinks of the situation? I don't like the sound of it, but she is there and might know if there were previous problems with the others...?

I still think I might try seeing if there is a RA or someone else who could help you with this -- if nothing else, to give you some ideas about how to approach the others. Lil Red is right that it is always good to try to talk directly to people....

Roomate situations are really tough, Spem.... and there are probably some differences between how roommates handle things in Austrailia vs. here in the States. When you were in school in Austrailia, were you living in the dorms, or were you at home? Have you lived in a dorm situation before? It IS different, and maybe some of the others have ideas for you on what you might expect and what might work...?

[Spem in alium]

[quote name='Lil Red' timestamp='1346894583' post='2479191']
how long are you there, and how big is this college?
[/quote]

1 semester. About 2,000 students on this campus.

I know it's not a long time to be here, and part of me thinks I should just put up with it...but then I start feeling down all over again.

[Lil Red]

[quote name='Spem in alium' timestamp='1346894634' post='2479192']
Maybe she doesn't. I'd be too nervous to say anything anyway.
[/quote]

but how does that solve anything? it makes you miserable, and she doesn't know (maybe) she's coming off as a cold beesh. i second asking your RA to help you talk to this person.

[Spem in alium]

[quote name='AnneLine' timestamp='1346894680' post='2479194']
Spem, if your roommate is treating you well, have you asked her what she thinks of the situation? I don't like the sound of it, but she is there and might know if there were previous problems with the others...?

I still think I might try seeing if there is a RA or someone else who could help you with this -- if nothing else, to give you some ideas about how to approach the others. Lil Red is right that it is always good to try to talk directly to people....

Roomate situations are really tough, Spem.... and there are probably some differences between how roommates handle things in Austrailia vs. here in the States. When you were in school in Austrailia, were you living in the dorms, or were you at home? Have you lived in a dorm situation before? It IS different, and maybe some of the others have ideas for you on what you might expect and what might work...?
[/quote]

She's not here at the moment, but I could ask her sometime tonight or tomorrow morning.

I've never lived in a dorm before. I didn't expect to live with so many people (there are 5 others in my suite). So it's really overwhelming and really different for me.