Why Get Married

[southern california guy]

See this is another point that sticks in peoples side on the issue of marriage in the Church, or what is the big deal about gay marriage, and a range of other things that have been mentioned, when someone points out something like this, the difference between at least in the church of a " divorce " and an " annulment " and the confusion with that.....

 

Their is the Spiritual / Sacramental aspect and then the legal aspect of it, the divorce is for the civil / legal system so there is no arguing of who gets what. And the Annulment is the i guess spiritual acknowledgement  that  the marriage should have never taken place to begin with ? But i could not imagine anyone going through an annulment and on C.A.F there have been many horror stories about being rejected an annulment and now what do i do, i cant receive communion an on an on an on..... And i am wondering is the Priest who proceeded over the marriage in any way responsible when it comes time for an annulment preceding , is he brought forward for questioning as well, on how he interacted with the couple ?

 

That and how many Catholics actually know they need to get an annulment if they decide they want to get divorced ?

 

The educating of Catholics is so low in general, it isn't surprising how we are confused on this topic.  Congrats to anyone who has it all fully understood and feels comfortable explaining why homosexuals cant, or shouldn't ever be married and have children ( adopt ) , why it is so detrimental to be married in the Church, and then in the same process not alienating people by doing so or being argumentative about it.  If anyone has that talent, they should write a book on the subject, and get in touch with their local bishop to start educating their diocese on the matter.

 

Seriously I think that a lot of people who don't get married use divorce as a reason that they shouldn't bother.

 

 "Look at all of the divorced people.  They are no better than people who just live together and then split up.  So why should I marry?  If I marry then she won't worry about me leaving her and she will treat me badly -- and we'll just end up getting a divorce.."

[southern california guy]

I thought I would add that the children of divorcees are less likely to marry.

I think that there are a number of factors influencing the low marriage rate -- in the US -- now. They are; birth control, financial reasons, and divorce.

[superblue]

Seriously I think that a lot of people who don't get married use divorce as a reason that they shouldn't bother.

 

 "Look at all of the divorced people.  They are no better than people who just live together and then split up.  So why should I marry?  If I marry then she won't worry about me leaving her and she will treat me badly -- and we'll just end up getting a divorce.."

 

 

 I understand the thinking, but to even make it more nerve wracking now imagine that it is decided it is time to part, and you want to be a good Catholic, now you have to drag yourself before a review board, to a group of complete strangers, possibly a Bishop you have never spoken to once in your life, and you have to bare it all in front of these strangers to get permission to remain in good standing with the Church, WHEN lol when there is absolutely no way to account for who is and who isn't abiding by church law .  There could literally be plenty of Catholics' who did not go through an annulment and are i guess technically living in some kind of state of sin, but since it isn't like we have a check list at the front door , yet some how for what ever reason we agree to the process of an annulment ? It is as if we as catholics went out of our way in the past to make our lives more convoluted than it needs to be.

 

now lets hang on tight and wait for someone to yell blasphemy at me.

[superblue]

I thought I would add that the children of divorcees are less likely to marry.

I think that there are a number of factors influencing the low marriage rate -- in the US -- now. They are; birth control, financial reasons, and divorce.

 I can actually speak from experience and found that comment interesting, as i wondered what would happen to me, and being 35 yrs old from a divorced family, i have through out the years wondered where i would end up in life being married or not, and now i am at the point of just accepting i am not going to be married in life... not because I am worried about ending up divorced or birth control, and i guess i can acknowledge that financial stability is a factor for me, being financially unstable i am not out an about looking for a potential spouse knowing good n well i have nothing financially to bring to the table, and knowing that " Love "  isn't enough anymore in life to win a person over or her family. It is more of reasoning how can i go into a relationship knowing i can barely take care of myself and then be expected to be responsible to some degree for someone else. The good guys finish last kind of holds true i think, being financially unstable, unemployed, but having a great heart, and personality just does not make one an appealing person on the dating / courting scene and to try and pretend that is all that matters is that I am a good guy would just be fooling myself. And then to try and be some what humble and ponder is God calling me to a single life instead of being pissed off at God and blaming God for my life is entirely a different ball of wax altogether. Instead I try to strive for the humble part, expect that i am going to remain single, stop worrying about getting married or dating and to just start enjoying the women i meet for who they are instead of wondering am i going to try and develop a relationship at some level with her.

[add]

  knowing that " Love "  isn't enough anymore in life...

The worst thing you can do for love is deny it

“Married life must be persevering, because otherwise love cannot go forward. Perseverance in love, in good times and in difficult times, when there are problems: problems with the children, economic problems,”

[superblue]

The worst thing you can do for love is deny it

“Married life must be persevering, because otherwise love cannot go forward. Perseverance in love, in good times and in difficult times, when there are problems: problems with the children, economic problems,”

 

notice how many times when things are going bad that is the real test of " love " , people don't enter into a relationship going oh wow, this person has no job, has a criminal record, lives in their parents basement, cant hold a job, has no education and no real hope for the future, BUT at least that person is nice to me and " loves me " sheesh I think ill bring this person to meet my family now. 

 

Relationships like that do not last long, I mean they do happen though cause if they didn't, we wouldn't have such an awesome show like COPS to watch nor would we have Jerry Springer.  People want other people who have stability and that includes financial stability, once people get over that initial physical attraction, then get into details, if it doesn't add up, people hit the bricks and go on to the next, not stick around.   Love lasts when it starts off good, then it grows, then God wants to spice things up an throws a monkey wrench in the ole love machine, and then they couple goes its okay we still have each other and that is all we need, and then everyone goes, awwwww so sweet, and then what ever.

 

I also take a big fart on Valentines day.

[Anomaly]

notice how many times when things are going bad that is the real test of " love " , people don't enter into a relationship going oh wow, this person has no job, has a criminal record, lives in their parents basement, cant hold a job, has no education and no real hope for the future, BUT at least that person is nice to me and " loves me " sheesh I think ill bring this person to meet my family now.

Relationships like that do not last long, I mean they do happen though cause if they didn't, we wouldn't have such an amesome show like COPS to watch nor would we have Jerry Springer. People want other people who have stability and that includes financial stability, once people get over that initial physical attraction, then get into details, if it doesn't add up, people hit the bricks and go on to the next, not stick around. Love lasts when it starts off good, then it grows, then God wants to spice things up an throws a monkey wrench in the ole love machine, and then they couple goes its okay we still have each other and that is all we need, and then everyone goes, awwwww so sweet, and then what ever.

I also take a big fluffy air extraction on Valentines day.

Blue,
Love isn't everything, but it is motivation for anything. It's not being unemployed or broke or a convict, it's staying that way. Everyday is a challenge to try to do as well as yesterday. I have family that are convicts, broke, unemployed as well as financially successful. It's not where you are in life, it's where you stay. Nobody real changes overnight. Life and love is a journey, never a destination or origin. So you live in your rents basement. What are you going to do about it? It isn't going to change overnight, maybe it will take years. But you aren't going anywhere if you thinki you're stuck. The vast majority of us regular people don't win overnight. It's long term application of time and effort. That's the character others fall in love with and stay in love with.

[superblue]

Blue,
Love isn't everything, but it is motivation for anything. It's not being unemployed or broke or a convict, it's staying that way. Everyday is a challenge to try to do as well as yesterday. I have family that are convicts, broke, unemployed as well as financially successful. It's not where you are in life, it's where you stay. Nobody real changes overnight. Life and love is a journey, never a destination or origin. So you live in your rents basement. What are you going to do about it? It isn't going to change overnight, maybe it will take years. But you aren't going anywhere if you thinki you're stuck. The vast majority of us regular people don't win overnight. It's long term application of time and effort. That's the character others fall in love with and stay in love with.

ty for the reply, just wanted to clarify that I am not living in a basement lol, but I get the drift of what you are saying.

 

And I can agree with what you are saying but am curious, would yourself or the family you speak of, go into a relationship with a person before hand knowing that they are convicts  etc ..... granted it does happen we see stories all the time of people falling " in love " with people that are already in prison or jail, how that even happens I have no clue. But what I am getting at is most of the time, people could give two beans about love and are more likely than not to say woa no thank you , if upon meeting someone they find out this person is unstable in all these aspects. Love tends to come afterwards from what I have seen, people start out with something, an education, a law abiding life, then meet someone, love develops, then things go south and the relationship continues based upon the past of the relationship being so good and finding it worth the investment to get back to that point in life.

 

Even this is looked at with in the Church itself, they want people coming in with clean hands, one can have a rocky history, but if you go to a vocations director, or a religious order, and you say I have this over flowing love for Christ and I really want to be apart of this order or really want to be a priest and serve Christ and the church, the response is well that is great come on in and lets see what is going on, and then the judging begins, they ask well do you have a job, are you employed, do you have an education, what are you doing with your life, and if you turn around an say well I am convicted felon, I haven't worked in  years, I graduated highschool but have no college degree, and on top of that I am living in my parents basement, but I have been catholic now for a good year and I feel that Christ really wants me to either be a priest or religious , and I am passionate about Christ, I love the Church and I want to serve, they are going to look at this person bug eyed, and pat the guy or gal on the back and walk em to the door an shut that door as fast as possible.

 

So I mean love is great and all, but people judge, we can't help it, doesn't matter how honest or good we are and know we are on the inside, but the past and present do factor into things in a very big way.

 

That isn't even touching on physical appearance , people want to be with physically attractive people, at the very least a person that they find physically attractive, normal non gold digging people, aren't just walking around and going well I don't care what he or she looks like I just care about what is on the inside, that is a joke and is dishonest as well. Now how kind and honest one is may shape that physical appearance to others, that picture perfect person who has a poor personality and treats people horribly, soon turns to a physically unattractive person, but it flips just a tad bit the other way around, that physical attraction only builds over time for the kind and honest person, versus a better chance at developing a relationship quickly being physically attractive right off the bat to the person.

 

 

again more judging factors in.

[Anomaly]

again more judging factors in.

Superblue
What does that name mean?
Most judge on what you make most apparent. That's on you. Yes, lots of people have advantages in life, but I'm old and beaten enough to realize continued applied effort is the most important factor for the rest of us. You judge yourself too harshly for the wrong things, so stop whining about your perception of how you're judged by others.
Marriages fail now a days because people are too harsh on each other and tend to think of themselves first too often. They judge themselves as being treated unfairly and are then unfair in retaliation. Nobody is as great all the time as they appear, and neither are we. Nor are most of us as crappie as we think.

My wife and I joke we both think we were a couple of mediocre people who lucked out marrying a bit better than ourselves. We're appreciative of each other without groveling. It's worked for over thirty years. Anybody that celebrates their 20th anniversary that says they woke up every morning wanting to be married is a liar. But working at being in love gets you there more assuredly then being thin, pretty, or rich.

[polskieserce]

I would strongly disagree that kids don't suffer. Kids thrive with stable homes. I see lack of commitment to marriage reflecting on lack of commitment to being a parent. There are lots if reasons to get married, some are selfish benifits such as personal happiness, but also it's benificial to other(spouse, children, family, society). Marriage is a constant effort of balancing taking and giving. The altruistic sense that religion or spirituality can bring to a marriage is a a great aid to redirect the focus from mostly selfish purposes.

 

I disagree with what you said.  Marriage isn't really all that.  People can have a stable relationship without marriage.  My parents were married and didn't split up until I was already in my teen years.  I would have been much better off as a person had they split up sooner and had only been live-in partners.  I don't think that marriage is really beneficial to children, because it sure as hell didn't do any good for me.

[Credo in Deum]

I disagree with what you said.  Marriage isn't really all that.  People can have a stable relationship without marriage.  My parents were married and didn't split up until I was already in my teen years.  I would have been much better off as a person had they split up sooner and had only been live-in partners.  I don't think that marriage is really beneficial to children, because it sure as hell didn't do any good for me.

 

So, because your parents had failed marriage; marriage itself is therefore pointless?  

[CrossCuT]

So, because your parents had failed marriage; marriage itself is therefore pointless?  

 

good lord

[polskieserce]

So, because your parents had failed marriage; marriage itself is therefore pointless?  

 

I'm not saying marriage is completely pointless.  For me, marriage does have a point since God created us and told us to do that before starting a family.  I'm just saying that its benefits for children are not as great as some people make them out to be.  Children benefit from social stability in the family, not from a legal contract.  It's like comparing ice cream sales to violent crime.  Both of those go up during the summer.  But we all know that ice cream sales don't cause people to go berserk.  The increase is caused by warmer weather, which triggers an increase in social interaction (hence an increase in violent crime) and a desire to eat cold desserts to cool off.

 

The same can be said about marriage.  I truly think the reason children of married couples do better (on average) is that those couples tend to have more stable, conflict-resolving personalities.  The fact that the couple is married and the fact that the kids do better are just two things caused by having a stable personality.

[superblue]

Superblue
What does that name mean?
Most judge on what you make most apparent. That's on you. Yes, lots of people have advantages in life, but I'm old and beaten enough to realize continued applied effort is the most important factor for the rest of us. You judge yourself too harshly for the wrong things, so stop whining about your perception of how you're judged by others.
Marriages fail now a days because people are too harsh on each other and tend to think of themselves first too often. They judge themselves as being treated unfairly and are then unfair in retaliation. Nobody is as great all the time as they appear, and neither are we. Nor are most of us as crappie as we think.

My wife and I joke we both think we were a couple of mediocre people who lucked out marrying a bit better than ourselves. We're appreciative of each other without groveling. It's worked for over thirty years. Anybody that celebrates their 20th anniversary that says they woke up every morning wanting to be married is a liar. But working at being in love gets you there more assuredly then being thin, pretty, or rich.

The name is honestly completely random, well in part Blue is my fav color.

 

 

I am still not convinced that any one would honestly right out the gate choose an honest and kind person who is poor, has a ton of problems in their life for what ever reason, and then pass up the superficial stable person who is only good on the surface.  I am not that optimistic on this idea of love and am not too hot to trot on marriage at this point in my life for many reasons, some reasons I have stated some I have not, I am not trying to take a big fart on either though, just to clarify , felt it necessary after seeing how I am coming off rather negative towards it. And congrats to those like yourself who are happily married outside or inside the Church, people do deserve a happy marriage,  I am not one to find fault with any couple who is living a good and happy married life outside the church when there are tons of other things to be more concerned over.

 

I would though appreciate if at mass we could skip the big hoop la over couples married for so many years and lets give a big happy blah blah blah barf, plenty of people in the pews who are single and hurting and it doesn't help to see how happily married people are being pointed out at MASS lol where we are trying to develop a better relationship with Our Lord only to have that put in our face and wonder why isn't there a big congratulations for the Single people out there who are just as much apart of the Church as anyone else.

 

lol that is what I want to see, a nice moment instead of these hey give a round of applause for those married 10- 50 + years, instead have a bunch of single people gathered for a special blessing and round of applause who have been single 20 -50 some odd years, are not in jail, or in the loony bin !

 

okay and now I shall end my rant.

[southern california guy]

The name is honestly completely random, well in part Blue is my fav color.


I am still not convinced that any one would honestly right out the gate choose an honest and kind person who is poor, has a ton of problems in their life for what ever reason, and then pass up the superficial stable person who is only good on the surface. I am not that optimistic on this idea of love and am not too hot to trot on marriage at this point in my life for many reasons, some reasons I have stated some I have not, I am not trying to take a big fluffy air extraction on either though, just to clarify , felt it necessary after seeing how I am coming off rather negative towards it. And congrats to those like yourself who are happily married outside or inside the Church, people do deserve a happy marriage, I am not one to find fault with any couple who is living a good and happy married life outside the church when there are tons of other things to be more concerned over.

I would though appreciate if at mass we could skip the big hoop la over couples married for so many years and lets give a big happy blah blah blah barf, plenty of people in the pews who are single and hurting and it doesn't help to see how happily married people are being pointed out at MASS lol where we are trying to develop a better relationship with Our Lord only to have that put in our face and wonder why isn't there a big congratulations for the Single people out there who are just as much apart of the Church as anyone else.

lol that is what I want to see, a nice moment instead of these hey give a round of applause for those married 10- 50 + years, instead have a bunch of single people gathered for a special blessing and round of applause who have been single 20 -50 some odd years, are not in jail, or in the loony bin !

okay and now I shall end my rant.

You know, one thing you have to keep in mind is that if you marry at an older age -- and your wife is older too -- then you probably won't be able to have kids.

[Perigrina]

You know, one thing you have to keep in mind is that if you marry at an older age -- and your wife is older too -- then you probably won't be able to have kids.

 

My cousin married at 50 and I think his wife was in her late 30s.  They had triplets.

[southern california guy]

My cousin married at 50 and I think his wife was in her late 30s. They had triplets.

I am 48 and my wife is in her 30's and we have a son on the way. I have always wanted to have kids, but as I got older I found fewer and fewer women who wanted to have kids, or were even able. In many cases their careers were much more important to them. But on the other had regrets and jealousy would surface when they would see a young couple with kids.

[superblue]

yeah I am not even trying to think about having kids, not knocking anyone who has children later in life, but I don't to be looking like I should have grand children when ( hypothetically ) I am walking around with an 18 yr old child that is mine.

 

For me I would have rather had children in my mid 20s, or at least now that I hit 35 so I could be still relatively young to enjoy and watch " my children " grow up.  But I am past that, plus with how the country is progressively getting worse versus better, I am not that excited or eager to bring a child into what lays ahead.  Not to say they couldn't have a great life, I am just not one to gamble.

[Perigrina]

There is a twenty year age range from my oldest to youngest child.  My youngest child is 7 years older than my first grandchild.  I am old enough to be my youngest child's grandmother and probably look like it.  There is nothing terrible about the situation.

[southern california guy]

There is a twenty year age range from my oldest to youngest child. My youngest child is 7 years older than my first grandchild. I am old enough to be my youngest child's grandmother and probably look like it. There is nothing terrible about the situation.

I agree. I feel young compared to my neighbor -- who is 50 years older than me.

I still plan on living long enough to see my children have kids of their own.