Determining That Someone Isn't Called?

[Sarah147]

My SD and I are still on track that I seek out RL as that's what I believe I'm called to. It's just, it's hard to be 100% certain of anything... It's probably my anxiety playing a part in this... I've just been more open to marriage after meeting some really wholesome young men (Catholics), and so I feel more open to whichever way God wants for me. I don't feel called to single life.

[Feankie]

Amen to what Sister wrote. As I've posted before, take the time to explore the deepest recesses of your heart, cull out the chaff and save the wheat. As a SD of many years, I too sense from you that you wish someone could say the words you [u]think [/u]you want to hear, whether or not they are the right ones or not. Only you and the Lord will know the right words - together, at the right time, in the right place. Your anxiety could very well be playing havoc with your desire on one hand for religious life, and your openness to marriage at this point in your life. I hear you saying, "I don't want to be alone.", am I right? Slap me upside the head if I'm wrong, okay?
I've been on a wild ride with God over the years, getting married instead of entering. And it's been nothing short of wonderful! When I go back and revisit the time I thought I was positive about religious life, I can see what was pushing me in that direction. And not all of it, in hindsight, was from God. My motivator/s was probably not the purest when I look back. Take time...I did. And the Lord has had many wonderful surprises for me along the way.

Edited December 6, 2011 by Francis Clare

[MithLuin]

Not sure this comment will be helpful, but in light of the opening post....

One question that a person/group can ask is, 'What are your plans if this does not work out?' Meaning...what would you do if a community did not accept your application? What would you do next?

I don't think you have to have your whole life planned as a back up, but I think that sometimes knowing that there is a 'plan B' can help take away the anxiety in life. What will I do if I don't get this job? Well, look for more, but if I really truly can't find one, can I move in with family or friends until something comes along? Meaning...if our plans fall through in life, yes, it's disappointing, but it's not the end of the world.


I hesitate to apply this to religious life. After all, you're not exactly supposed to enter with a detailed backup plan for what will happen when you leave! The commitment should be a bit deeper than to a job. At the same time, however, you would hopefully not feel as though you [i]had[/i] to enter. I'm sure there are people who entered religious life for less than pure motives - and yes, maybe in some cases because they felt they didn't have other options. But...that doesn't mean their motives to *stay* weren't purified over time.

So, if you feel anxious about hearing back from this community because you don't know what you will do if this doesn't pan out...invest some effort in a backup plan, if only to give you peace of mind, knowing that you don't *have* to enter, and that it will be a decision you (and the community) make to pursue the will of God in your life. You need to be at peace to make that kind of decision, I would think.


Not having a place to live is a separate problem from vocational discernment. Don't conflate the two.

[dominicansoul]

[quote name='Francis Clare' timestamp='1323135429' post='2345222']
Amen to what Sister wrote. As I've posted before, take the time to explore the deepest recesses of your heart, cull out the chaff and save the wheat. As a SD of many years, I too sense from you that you wish someone could say the words you [u]think [/u]you want to hear, whether or not they are the right ones or not. Only you and the Lord will know the right words - together, at the right time, in the right place. Your anxiety could very well be playing havoc with your desire on one hand for religious life, and your openness to marriage at this point in your life. I hear you saying, "I don't want to be alone.", am I right? Slap me upside the head if I'm wrong, okay?
I've been on a wild ride with God over the years, getting married instead of entering. And it's been nothing short of wonderful! When I go back and revisit the time I thought I was positive about religious life, I can see what was pushing me in that direction. And not all of it, in hindsight, was from God. My motivator/s was probably not the purest when I look back. Take time...I did. And the Lord has had many wonderful surprises for me along the way.
[/quote]


this is absolutely wonderful post! It is true, that what may be looked upon as a great desire to enter religious life, may actually be a call into marriage! I can't emphasize enough how important it is to get a trustworthy spiritual director to help and guide you. Someone mentioned that "God will never place in your heart a desire that will not be fulfilled." This is true, but sometimes you need to figure out exactly what that desire IS. There have been saints in the past who desired greatly to enter religious life, but were not accepted and never entered. St. Gemma Galgani is a wonderful example of this. She even declared that her not being able to enter would be a sacrifice she would offer to Jesus for the rest of her life. In truth, her desire to enter religious life was a desire for complete union with Christ, (something all those discerning religious life should have, if it be authentic.) She did accomplish this union outside the bounds of a religious community...

[Cherie]

[quote name='MithLuin' timestamp='1323147321' post='2345377']
Not having a place to live is a separate problem from vocational discernment. Don't conflate the two.
[/quote]

I absolutely agree with this. While God [i]can[/i] use circumstances like this in order to push us in the direction He wants, it seems as though this is a problem that should be dealt with separately from your vocational discernment. Don't think you need to "hurry up and enter somewhere" because you're afraid you won't have a place to live (that's not a good reason to enter a community!) or that you're afraid you'll reach the age limit too soon, etc. You have to leave all those things in God's Hands. You are being open to His call; if He wants you in religious life, it will be made manifest, all in due time. (God's time is NOT our time, for sure!)

If you're looking for 100% certainty, you will be looking in vain, because you're not going to get 100% assurance about making a decision regarding your vocation. Through prayer, discernment, advice from spiritual director, circumstances, etc, you can definitely have an inclination and feel [i]almost[/i] sure, but you aren't going to get a voice from God telling you where to go. You have to trust Him and just jump in. "Be not afraid!" Once you are living the life (i.e. in formation, or in a courtship) you can get assurance because of the peace of soul with which you are filled (among other things) ... but even if you make the "wrong" choice, (like I did when I entered religious life) listening to God and continuing your discernment will lead you where He wants you to go. (And even though religious life wasn't my vocation, I firmly believe God wanted me there for the time that I was, and I'm so grateful to have had that experience because it has shaped who I am today.) That's why each vocation [i]does[/i] have a period of discernment ... you don't just enter a religious community and take vows, or meet someone and marry them the next day. It all takes time. Precious time! And I know sometimes it seems like time isn't on our side, but trust in God. Like I said, what seems like terrible timing for us is often JUST the timing God intended.

Focus on trust in God. Don't let anxiety get in the way, because that will only serve to confuse your discernment. Have peace!

[Sarah147]

Thank you all for your advice. Much to consider. I have long wanted to enter the right Order, and was going to wait some more years; but if God shows other timing, I'll have to go with that, whenever that may be. It's looking like things are getting better and I won't have to worry about my living situation for a while, so I'm less worried about that now. But I do want to visit the RSM anyway and talk with them about my discernment in general. Even if they have me wait to enter, or I turn to the LA or FSE orders.

My anxiety was REALLY playing a big part in my posts yesterday because I accidently ordered caff. coffee which really worsens my anxiety and depression, even though I'm on meds for them. I'm much calmer today.

Edited December 6, 2011 by JoyfulLife

[das8949]

This is a quote from the webpages of the Sisters of the Perpetual rosary and I believe it defines the discernment process.

"Anyone who enters a religious community is responding to a call from God. We enter religious life[u] not for our sake [/u]but for God, not because we wish to live this way but because [u]God's call compells us to desire consecration for His sake[/u]. Such a call is often difficult to discern; it is the [u]gift of the Holy Spirit whose communion with us is rarely as clear and precise as we could wish."[/u]

[Sarah147]

[quote name='Francis Clare' timestamp='1323135429' post='2345222']
I hear you saying, "I don't want to be alone.", am I right? Slap me upside the head if I'm wrong, okay?
[/quote]

I want community, in the form of living with Sisters or marriage. I've known what it's like to live pretty much alone, and what it's like having a loving relationships to live with. I can tell I need that everyday, loving relationship. I find it more fullfilling and it makes me happy and helps me love better. And having a buddy to help you through life and deal with life is a great thing. Someone always there to talk to about any little thing, even going to the store with them; crying on their shoulder; comforting eachother; laughing; loving. It's not so much about running away from lonliness; I wouldn't say it's that.

Edited December 6, 2011 by JoyfulLife

[i<3franciscans]

Joyful Life,

Someone as loving as you needs to be able to share your love with others in a community or married life.

[beatitude]

[quote name='i<3franciscans' timestamp='1323184295' post='2345488']
Joyful Life,

Someone as loving as you needs to be able to share your love with others in a community or married life.
[/quote]

I know that single life is considered the third-class vocation by many Catholics. I've accepted that this will be one of my little crosses. But I can't let comments like this one pass by. Following our vocation in life will help us to know God's love more fully, and we are then able to pour it out to everyone around us. People whose vocation is to single life will flourish in that life, and this naturally means growing in love - being 'rooted and grounded in love', as St Paul puts it so beautifully. It's not that the most loving people are selected for religious life or marriage, in the way that a big corporation might pick off people with the best attributes, and the remaining people are left to single life. This kind of thinking isn't helpful to discerners.

[quote]


I can tell I need that everyday, loving relationship. I find it more fullfilling and it makes me happy and helps me love better. And having a buddy to help you through life and deal with life is a great thing. Someone always there to talk to about any little thing, even going to the store with them; crying on their shoulder; comforting eachother; laughing; loving.[/quote]

Single people do have loving relationships, Joyful. All human beings need them.

Edited December 6, 2011 by beatitude

[OnlySunshine]

[quote name='dominicansoul' timestamp='1323176012' post='2345426']


this is absolutely wonderful post! It is true, that what may be looked upon as a great desire to enter religious life, may actually be a call into marriage! I can't emphasize enough how important it is to get a trustworthy spiritual director to help and guide you. Someone mentioned that "God will never place in your heart a desire that will not be fulfilled." This is true, but sometimes you need to figure out exactly what that desire IS. There have been saints in the past who desired greatly to enter religious life, but were not accepted and never entered. St. Gemma Galgani is a wonderful example of this. She even declared that her not being able to enter would be a sacrifice she would offer to Jesus for the rest of her life. In truth, her desire to enter religious life was a desire for complete union with Christ, (something all those discerning religious life should have, if it be authentic.) She did accomplish this union outside the bounds of a religious community...
[/quote]

I love the comparison to St. Gemma Galgani. I just love her!

[StClare_OraProNobis]

Also, St. Benedict Joseph Labre deeply desired religious life but was not able to be a religious. He was single. And St. Catherine of Sienna was a single woman, not a religious. Being single does not mean living a love-less life.

[AccountDeleted]

[quote name='StClare_OraProNobis' timestamp='1323263947' post='2346375']
Also, St. Benedict Joseph Labre deeply desired religious life but was not able to be a religious. He was single. And St. Catherine of Sienna was a single woman, not a religious. Being single does not mean living a love-less life.
[/quote]


If being single meant a loveless life then consecrated virgins and hermits would be loveless as well! And the desert fathers and mothers were aflame with love despite their solitary lifestyle!

In fact, living in a religious community isn't always the easiest way to life a life of love!! Communities are not only a great gift, they can also be a pretty good penance as well

As for families, well I think we all know that families (as much as we love them) can also be a source of great suffering for us in many ways! Let's face it, any situation can be both heaven and h*ll, full of love or full of self!

[bernadette d]

[quote name='StClare_OraProNobis' timestamp='1323263947' post='2346375']
Also, St. Benedict Joseph Labre deeply desired religious life but was not able to be a religious. He was single. And St. Catherine of Sienna was a single woman, not a religious. Being single does not mean living a love-less life.
[/quote]
Thank goodness for that!! Having reached my 60's, been single (and worked in the Church virtually all my adult life) I know that love does not depend on ones state in life, it is definitely not a case of "one size fits all" you will love and be loved wherever you follow Christ open-heartedly.

[Feankie]

[i]"Thank goodness for that!! Having reached my 60's, been single (and worked in the Church virtually all my adult life) I know that love does not depend on ones state in life, it is definitely not a case of "one size fits all" you will love and be loved wherever you follow Christ open-heartedly."[/i]

With adult children and small grandchildren, I can agree with everything about this post except the part about being single! Not to be trite, but an old song that was once popular in my generation said "Love is all around". And I can testify that it most definitely is. It spmetimes comes to you in over the top ways, but often it's found in a smile, kind words, a hug, a thank-you, in looking at the things in nature, in having a baby coo at you, or having a puppy lick your face. Yes, there is love in obvious ways, but also in the seemingly mundane. Be open to it. Share it. Spread it around!