My Weird Vocation Journey

[superblue]

I have just returned from my visit with the Benedictine order I am interested in ,and it was a beautiful experience, the biggest thing that hit me was ; I feel like I found a home.   An that struck a big cord with me as on past discernment engagements I was told that is something to be aware of and look for , I noticed i didn't miss much of anything while I was gone either which is awesome.  The weather was bleh nasty but the connections I made with the brothers, the abbot,  I knew that St. Benedict has heard my prayers along with The Blessed Mother and Christ,  everyone working together through Christ to reach me in this powerful small visit.  It was a solid two day visit being Wed and Thurs, half days were arriving Tuesday and leaving Friday.

 

more over they want me back, and the Abbot has expressed interest in me as well.

 

All good stuff but the problem was coming back home, it is all bitter sweet, letting go of what I have, which is absolutely nothing, what I have are crutches, to gain so so much, and I think well, I can gamble that perhaps I can find a way to work for myself, and find a wonderful woman, which I sorta have found a woman who is a beautiful person in so many ways, but it would take such strides on my part to solidify that relationship , it is just sad, I wish I could have met her a long time ago when I was working,, she has been a great friend,, but in the end it isn't really what I " want " it is what I need, and what God wants, and can I accept the call to step out of the boat and go to Christ.

 

 

I am smart enough to not balk at this , I am going to take some time to cool down and absorb what has taken place, and my next visit will be for two weeks, if all is good after that , I should be entering postulancy sometime soon this year.

 

 

Edited January 16, 2015 by superblue

[TheresaThoma]

That is wonderful news! I'll pray for you as you continue this journey.

[superblue]

TYVM !

[RoseOfGuadalupe]

I know the feels

[superblue]

ty rose,

 

well, things are moving once again, I contacted my V.D and scheduled my next visit for the beginning of Feb, for roughly a full 9 days, this time around I will get to participate in a full schedule of chores and prayer, and I am excited as I am getting zero accomplished here at home,  and then I am like can I really handle this schedule and I have to laugh and remember the grueling schedule, and heart ache of my time in the military,  the only real thing I will have to fight this time around is that groggy feeling after getting up, which compline around 7pm doesn't sound so crazy after a full schedule.

 

I am really hopeful that this is going to work out, with caution, as nothing is done until it is done, but my over all small goals are first postulancy, and so on to becoming a Benedictine Monk, and after that then I will know if I am ready to undertake the journey to priesthood, but I would like to continue my journey in that manner if possible. 

 

.

 

peace.

[MarysLittleFlower]

That's good that your discernment is moving along :) the only thing I'd say though is that many spiritual directors advise not to date while discerning religious life because this can be confusing and makes discernment harder. Its best to concentrate on prayer and distance oneself from earthly things :)

[superblue]

That's good that your discernment is moving along :) the only thing I'd say though is that many spiritual directors advise not to date while discerning religious life because this can be confusing and makes discernment harder. Its best to concentrate on prayer and distance oneself from earthly things :)

oh ya my female friend, I cant really consider me and her dating, in fact we are not; so all good there, we are in a balanced friendship I would actually think we have a very healthy and normal friendship after getting to know her. so no worries there.

 

cant really distance oneself too much from these earthly things what ever they are , are apart of life and we either learn to use them as tools or be used by them.  I deff wont miss the internet, this is like my biggest crutch in life that I am looking forward to letting go of.  I appreciate the sentiment though.

[TheresaThoma]

Ah yes getting rid of the internet and cell phones.... I always love turning off my cell phone when on retreat.

[superblue]

Ah yes getting rid of the internet and cell phones.... I always love turning off my cell phone when on retreat.

yup , people have forgotten the days before the internet and cell phones;  I don't mind them as tools to get tasks done or for research, but I see how in my life they have become nothing but  time wasters , distractions that I don't need anymore.

 

I am looking forward to getting into the postulancy with this order so I can get to some real work, and further my formation on this journey.

 

nothing left for me here in town and it is driving me nanners.

[Spem in alium]

Ah yes getting rid of the internet and cell phones.... I always love turning off my cell phone when on retreat.

 

It really does bring such peace. 

 

yup , people have forgotten the days before the internet and cell phones;  I don't mind them as tools to get tasks done or for research, but I see how in my life they have become nothing but  time wasters , distractions that I don't need anymore.

 

I am looking forward to getting into the postulancy with this order so I can get to some real work, and further my formation on this journey.

 

nothing left for me here in town and it is driving me nanners.

 

I will be praying for you as you move forward. May you journey in peace, with the Lord as your companion and guide.

Edited January 26, 2015 by Spem in alium

[superblue]

Had a great visit with the Benedictines , learned a lot once again;  and will be returning for a third visit soon; probably in March some time.  Got some help on letting go of material things as my car finally died ( blew a head gasket ) literally 3 miles from the Abbey, so made a few phone calls, got a hotel for the night, and my car is now off to auction and proceeds are going to go to some charity.

 

And I do not miss that car at all.

 

One less mess to worry about.

 

Anyhow I found a real gem with these Benedictines,

My vocations director is not rushing me at all, which is great since I tend to jump the gun a lil, and the Abbot is one of the kindest people I have met and he feels more like a friend than like someone who is looking to be a boss if that makes any sense. Everyone there is just patient , honest , friendly and out going.The pros are out weighing any fears or cons I might have, but the fear is still real, which is odd... but I think the fear is good, it leads me to reflect and really do some soul searching and digging, instead of walking around with this pie in the sky thinking that everything is just peachy keen an happy go lucky zombieness;

 

the entire experience over all is very humbling.

 

 

[TheresaThoma]

Sounds like you are really in the right track then!

I once had a VD tell me that you should have a bit of fear when contemplating making such a big life change. 

Sorry about the car that is kinda of bummer being so close to the Abbey when it happened. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away blessed be the name of the Lord!

[superblue]

wow nearly started this thread 5 mnths ago, been discerning a religious life for years now,,,, going back to the Abbey probably the second week in March, that will make my 3rd visit, and hopefully they will see I am ready to start some paper work......

 

everything is just like being back in basic training/ the military, hurry up and wait. I am realizing  I am less comfortable being at home, in that , this is where all my bad habits are, my laziness , where as back at the Abbey, the structure is there to focus on prayer, and work, and who I am, and where I am going. I think ima stick to here the VS threads for a while, seems more productive around here than the others......what else I like about this order , is the priesthood is still a very real option for me, and at an extremely better pace, I wouldn't be bombarded with a 12 hr + class schedule from what I understand for this order and those that are accepted the classes for the priesthood are flexible.  But my first focus is becoming a Benedictine, rather getting into the postulancy.

 

Really the hardest part I have had at the Abbey is from like 730 pm - 10 pm, I get stir crazy and I have to read or listen to the radio,   I did notice in the last visit coming home I missed out a lot on the news, when I came back I think the thing with ISIS killing Coptic Christians either had or just happened, and some other minor bs news in politics that is the same be it now, or 10 yrs ago..... So I really do need to keep an eye on a news paper from time to time or check the internet on occasion to see what is going on. I also noticed feeling odd in that , or maybe humbled, at what true blessings are....

here I was thinking and at times still do, feel like my life isn't that great,  and to hear others about their views be it from online or family about how hard religious life is, to then be at the Abbey, and see what real peace is like, and to then get hit straight in the gut with what ISIS is doing to people, not just people but our brothers and sisters in Christ, in the middle east and abroad......

an I am like, who am I to have life so good, and I see how careful I have to be to not become detached from world issues to not let myself be desensitized any longer to violence  and to remember what I felt, and to keep those people and other interests I have at heart in my constant prayers, not just one day, or one Lenten season, but every day.  An then I am learning about the stability of prayer and work, it could be very easy to be consumed by prayer, so having to focus times of the day on issues to pray about instead of feeling rushed to get them all in one swoop. An then be ready to move into the chores n work duties of the day.

 

 

[MarysLittleFlower]

I do believe that being a contemplative and praying can help people like the Coptic Christians in a very special way.. And your prayers and work can be applied by God to people and situations that you might not find out until Heaven.

I think it was Archbishop Sheen who said that peace is preserved more by nuns praying in their convent than by politicians discussing peace. Contemplative vocations are needed if we want to help the people in the world.

As for having a peaceful life while others are suffering - religious have their own struggles, and in the end all that matters is doing God's Will for you and following your own vocation. Some are missionaries, others are contemplative, etc.

[marigold]

hurry up and wait

 

Hahaha! :)

 

Seriously though it sounds like you've got your head screwed on the right way. I'm looking forward to hearing what happens.

[superblue]

Hahaha! :)

 

Seriously though it sounds like you've got your head screwed on the right way. I'm looking forward to hearing what happens.

Ty, it doesn't always feel like it, and I realized the only answer to hurry up and wait is perseverance !

 

I am just hoping after this next visit that my VD will feel that I am ready to start the application process.

 

And if not then I just have to persevere !  Cause I figure if I let my impatience get the best of me all that does is show them I am not ready, so go figure.  An it aint like the world is going to end any time soon so why rush.  * shrugs *

[superblue]

My third visit coming up,

 

I am still going through that rollercoaster of emotions and doubt, but I notice I am not stopping nor wanting to stop moving forward, I just hope an pray that they will bring this to a conclusion after this visit in the form of the application packet ( which would be mailed to me I am told ), and if not that they will at least continue to show interest and be reassuring that I am on the right path with them.

 

in a way this process is sickly similar to dating, not knowing if the person you like, likes you back, and you are putting your best foot forward and hoping for the best, and you cant push things cause then ya come off as desperate, but if ya wait too long you are left wondering how long you are going to dangle in the wind or are being toyed with.

[superblue]

okay so visit number c is coming up next week, and I am looking forward to it, and I had a fun filled drama in ending a friendship with this female friend I spoke of earlier in this thread;  it is one of those things where it is best to not talk about too much and surly not to anyone important. Though I had to figure things out on my own, and when I stepped back and looked at what happened , the friendship was really just another crutch, the kindness we shared towards each other might have been real, who knows, but I see that I was trying to have two relationships and this one with her needed to end, and there would have been no good way to end it. THAT being said, here is the kicker, when I was discerning with a Franciscan order, I had no real female friends in my life at the time, none that I was actually interested in on a real level.... well the VD there during my interview had asked me at the time if I was dating anyone at the moment or something along that line.... An I was dumbfounded, I was like how am I supposed to discern a religious life and date at the same time ? That question went no where fast and I remember him dropping it just as fast as he asked it.  An then here I am seeing how i might have in a way done just that. An if that is what i did, i am split. I was glad to have known her, but i could have passed on the heart ache of breaking the friendship off or would have preferred it to end in a better way than it did, but at least it didn't end with drop dead an that type of drama, it was more of what in the world just happened ? Like having a bunch of good in your life just swept away over night. With no real reason, but after i cooled down i knew the reasons an i just didn't listen to myself i can play back things and go come on; i saw this coming and i tried to prepare myself.....  oh well, or perhaps Christ was the one preparing me an showing me and i was like it will be okay i won't make a big deal about it an when it is time to move on it wont be a big deal.

At least it didn't take me months on end to heal up on, and the reality of relationships is it takes a lot of what i don't have, an i see more an more of what i do have towards a religious vocation and if i let myself to be nurtured in this endeavor an to free my emotions and all that i am to the formation process, this little spark i have for Christ and the Church can be a very big fire. So it is just riding that roller coaster to the very end and keeping one foot following the other forward, and not being afraid to get back up time an time again. I have heard that the emotions the fear an bad days don't go away in a religious life, it really is like a marriage, you take the bad with the good and keep moving forward and learning from mistakes.

 

Other than that i am rather surprised at seeing the views on my thread,  the responses i get from time to time are great and i appreciate it an it just makes me wonder who else is out there.

[marigold]

We love you superblue!

[santera]

Is there any chance that you could Skype with the girl who lives 'states away' from you or any other girl/woman you are attracted to?  It is important that you decide whether you are attracted to women once and for all, before pursuing religious life.