My Weird Vocation Journey

[Swami Mommy]

Congratulations, Super Blue!  Just remember that no matter where you go in life, there you are.  Don't be surprised or discouraged if you find your doubts and anxiety continue or intensify even stronger at first in the silence spaces of the monastery.  One of the things I grew most from in my stays in an ashram (monastery) was coming face to face with my own weaknesses, doubts, fears and utter aloneness.  Without the distractions of everyday living, these aspects of the personality have nowhere to hide and they will all bubble to the surface to be examined and released.  It can be VERY painful (but it's a pain that is beneficial).   Every time I perceived what I considered to be a dysfunction in the way things were done at the ashram or in the behavior of other people there that differed from my own internal barometer of correctness, I was forced to confront my own ego beliefs and assumptions that had been formed deep in the womb of my own childhood upbringing and personal history.  I had to work really hard to soften my heart, surrender my rigid will, and become willing to let my ego's unconscious defense mechanisms be worked on.  There were many days when I wondered what the heck I was doing there when the comparative ease of my ordinary life me back home beckoned to me.  It was tough to stick it out, but it was also wildly liberating.  Living in a monastery can be a spiritual and psychological boot camp for some considerable time before all one's dross is purged and the sweetness of total trust and faith occurs, but it is TOTALLY worth it.  I will pray that you have the support of your fellow monastic brothers as your spiritual, emotional and psychological housecleaning unfolds, and that your moments of pure grace and joy increase day by day.  You are so blessed to have a vocation and your intention to surrender to God's will in your life will bear great fruit if you continually renew your commitment to be shaped by the forces of Love.  

[Charbel]

J.M.+J.T.

That was beautiful Swami Mommy. And superblue, my joy goes out to you! I will pray for you in this time of anxiety and excitement. Please say a prayer for me as well, not as a return favor, but from the love in your heart. May the peace and love of God be with you and with you always!

[superblue]

aggravation , if it isn't one thing it is another, and I am choosing to vent my frustration carefully on here....  I keep finding out conflicting information from my vocations director, who is evidently also to busy to inform me of pertinent information before hand.  Can't just be grateful and happy, I always have to find something annoying..... and if I was really weak I would let this bs be enough to say forget it peace out.

 

But luckily I know the game well enough now to be able to persevere and recalling time spent in the army does help as well.... evidently I did learn a few things from my wretched time in the military.   

It is a shame though I have to hold back my vocabulary to a manner that is neutral in tone and not even remotely passive aggressive because I would really like to let loose at the moment at my v.d /   there is no more real world language when I cross the line, just learning more self control and patience.  Everything in life comes at a cost. Our Freedom is paid for in many way by our military and our freedom from sin was paid for by Christ, and living in world of compassion and mercy comes with learning how to bypass simple annoyances and not letting oneself become side tracked and giving in.

 

Learning to be a jedi in a sense\, Yoda comes to mind - { Fear leads to Anger, Anger leads to Hate. Hate leads to Suffering ( and thusly the Dark Side ) }

 

I am sure this will not be the last of my frustrations,,,,,,  George Lucas or the writers who came up with this stuff for Star Wars, to me some of the lessons could easily fit into the bible some where,  the comparisons are easy to see.... and it is true so what am I going to do continue to fear the transformation, get angry with little things and hate that things are not the way I want and then give up and stay home and suffer ? pft.

 

what is cool though is with the black habits Benedictines wear it would be far to easy to buy an actual light saber and have some fun.

which for what ever reason if it doesn't work out ( which isn't going to happen it is going to work out just fine( faith and trust in Christ is how I know plus other information as well that isn't mystical just conversations I have had before going in) and I get sick n tired of hearing holy clichés ) I am totally saving up to buy a light saber to get my geek on and start doing social geek events like comic con.

 

[Luigi]

"what is cool though is with the black habits Benedictines wear it would be far to easy to buy an actual light saber and have some fun."

It's already been done. https://www.facebook.com/SubiacoMonks/photos/pcb.799119370170102/799117133503659/?type=1&theater

 

But what the heck! The more, the merrier!

[Swami Mommy]

So, Super Blue, as per my earlier post's comments about the unmaskng of the ego as an essential part of the spiritual journey, I would say that your entrance into the inner cloister of your own heart's monastery has already begun!  This delay, if viewed with self awareness and with a sincere desire to begin to live the contemplative life, has the seeds of great self-discovery in it if you hold in your heart the uncomfortable feelings of thwarted desire and the subjugation of your will to the impersonal will, needs and timing of the monastery's requirements, and practice opening and breathing into the tension that not getting your own way creates.  This is just the beginning of the unravelling of many qualities of your ego that we ALL hold--impatience, willfulness, judgmentalism, fear, anger, self-involvement, bossiness--well, you get the idea!  Everything is unfolding exactly as it is meant to, and this great mystery of surrender will continue to be an ever-expanding unfoldment of all the ways you cling to your sense of personal doership and imagined control over your own destiny.  You have set your firm intention and your commitment to the religious life, so now all you need do is use every experience you are being given by your chosen order to develop your sense of trust that whatever happens is part of the fulfillment of your heart's longing.  God is helping you prepare the way for a greater space within you to receive and surrender to the abundant grace that is already being showered upon you. Remember, the contemplative life is a journey and not a destination, and even though it's lovely to have the company of like-minded spiritual brothers, this inner journey is ultimately a solitary pilgrimage that each must tread alone. The physical monastery itself is, after all, just geography.

[Swami Mommy]

[Swami Mommy]

Not quite sure why my last post didn't register.  I posted a photo of a biblical quote.  Oh well.  Disregard the empty post above!

[superblue]

 I appreciate the kind words, and support ~   

[superblue]

Well  I made it,  things are of a different feeling now, from going to just visiting to now being a postulant.

I am still adjusting emotionally but i am hopeful that i will settle in quickly , it is hard to say the least mentally and emotionally detaching from the known environment of home to a new environment that is a potential home but with a new family. I have great people surrounding me and i am blessed.

 

Just feeling really stupidly sad at the moment and i know it will pass. It is my depression is what it is an i hate it... I am reminding myself constantly to give this a real chance and to not count the days on when i can return home for a visit. I am really grateful that i can call and write home any time i want, I know some places don't allow that at all. An at the moment i am focusing on eating smarter and not giving into eating like i normally do when i am stressed out so i am good on that front. The prayer schedule is easy, an so far i am just easing into things with lite house chores.   I am also fighting the thoughts of i have to make this work because i have nothing to return to . It is true an not at the same time i can always go back home , but i would be back in the same boat struggling to survive, where here, i have a purpose.  mind boggling stuff.

 

An i also have a prayer and personal journal to get started on.

 

peace out

[TheresaThoma]

Good to hear from you! I'm glad that you are settling in. I will pray that you are able to get through this bout of depression.

[marigold]

Well  I made it,  things are of a different feeling now, from going to just visiting to now being a postulant.

I am still adjusting emotionally but i am hopeful that i will settle in quickly , it is hard to say the least mentally and emotionally detaching from the known environment of home to a new environment that is a potential home but with a new family. I have great people surrounding me and i am blessed.

 

Just feeling really stupidly sad at the moment and i know it will pass. It is my depression is what it is an i hate it... I am reminding myself constantly to give this a real chance and to not count the days on when i can return home for a visit. I am really grateful that i can call and write home any time i want, I know some places don't allow that at all. An at the moment i am focusing on eating smarter and not giving into eating like i normally do when i am stressed out so i am good on that front. The prayer schedule is easy, an so far i am just easing into things with lite house chores.   I am also fighting the thoughts of i have to make this work because i have nothing to return to . It is true an not at the same time i can always go back home , but i would be back in the same boat struggling to survive, where here, i have a purpose.  mind boggling stuff.

 

An i also have a prayer and personal journal to get started on.

 

peace out

​I can't believe you snuck in so quietly! I'm glad you made it, and crossing fingers, thumbs, toes, and saying prayers that the transition will go smoothly.

I recognise so much of what you wrote here and it does pass, if you just let yourself experience it

I am really proud of you and so glad I have been able to follow this part of your adventure!

[superblue]

thanks for the responses and prayers, and thanks for following me Marigold,  i have realized that for me the very hard times in my life has always been the nights. The days go fairly smooth, being in now the days are really peaceful, the nights are so good too with silence i can finally sleep with out listening to chaos in the neighborhood and etc... but it was that time i spent with my mom that i missed.... i got a good head on my shoulders, so i am taking things in stride, and thankfully i did get to sleep early last night and didn't lay awake, i have some non addictive over the counter sleeping pills i took, and before that when my anxiety an emotions were jacked up i took my anxiety medication which really helped.  

Now i am working on my energy level in general, and my weight.. i haven't begun exercising, because i hate exercising but i have started to try an eat better so i am cutting the amount of food i eat, and skipping desert during one of the meals and my breakfast is simple some fruit and blueberry muffins ( i would be doing better if i skipped the butter but what ever ). Though if i make it through the emotional transition and get into the Novitiate, i will be on an exercise program with another novice who will be entering. That will be okay by me since i wont be exercising alone.  Can you believe i lost 70-80 lbs at one point and then gained it back ! what is even crazier when i got out of basic training from the army ; i weighed  a whopping 165lbs on the nose and my poor mother was crying thinking they starved me to near death.  I have come to accept my weight i don't like it but i know i was never meant to stay at 165 and if i drop this weight, (185 for me is ideal ) to tell ya the truth i would be a bit aggravated cause the time i needed the weight off me was like 5 years ago when i had a chance at dating. Now it's like okay i need to lose weight so i wont be a liability; i guess ? * shrugs *  save that talk for a counselor one day.

 

And yes i did sneak in quietly even into the Abbey itself, there was no big hurrah just a lot of welcomes and pats on the backs, and some hugs here n there, i have been staying busy with cleaning and just planted an indoor plant kit ( i think it is a lilly of some sort ) and i brought fish pellets cause we have a nice mid sized lake, and the turtles good grief there are to many ! The Koi fish are the ones i am hoping to attract .

My spirits are better today, praying with the brothers is an amesome experience, the silence is beautiful, the food is great, the bed i have is and pillows are amesome. The nights are just tough at the moment , but i have books and journals to work in so that is on tap for tonight.

 

Thanks again lots of love to you all

Peace

[John Paul]

So he is a postulant now?!

Many prayers and blessing.I guess I have not seen this thread in a while.

Hopefully you stay there forever I am sure They love you a lot.....Well....How do you feel?Do you feel at home or what?

Edited May 23, 2015 by John Paul

[superblue]

yes John, i am a postulant !  It felt like home since day one and still does, i am in good spirits and adjusting to the new life.

Peace.

[TheresaThoma]

The part about the pillows being amesome made me laugh! Sounds like things are going better for you.

[:o)Katherine:o)]

Superblue, I am so excited for you and my prayers are with you as you begin this new journey. As you get into the rhythm, sleep will become easier to come by. The planting kits and the fish pellets shows that you are making it your home. I hope that you will continue to update us as time goes on! 

[John Paul]

Do you wear a postulant habit?

[John Paul]

Is this a contemplative community or an apostolic community.

[superblue]

hi J.P/ no i do not wear a postulant habit, dress code for postulants is black pantaloons ( which i just realized did not have to be dress pantaloons ) and a black or white collared shirt ( i have one of each so i alternate ) and we are i guess contemplative, ( cloistered ) we have a seminary on campus bunch of other stuff too an sometimes the benedictine priests here will assist in the area with saying mass when in need or at times be assigned there on some kind of contract i think.  ( still learning )

 

any beans

 

My biggest hurdles are slowly being overcome , mainly me learning to be independent of my family; i do miss them, and i keep phone calls short, an i got frustrated when my mom was like okay we gota start spacing our phone calls apart an i was like woa i know but just give me a bit more time.  My pop n i are different, because all of his conversations now are involving repeating himself 15 times on the same topic before he lets anyone get a word in, and then when you do get a word in, he asks 4 more questions on what you just said that he wasnt paying attention too and then gets offended if ya call him out on it. An then if it aint none of that it is a list of all his medical problems. He isn't the same pop i grew up with and it isn't fun to say the least and i could go on a rant as to why he has changed but why bother. Can't change it. so let it go.   So i called my pop today cause it was just time for a weekly call, and i was as patient as i could possibly be. I didn't enjoy the phone call as much as i thought i would, but it was good to hear his voice, and i made sure not to give him my moans and groans because he is just too old to handle em any more and it is time for me to stop complaining well more like stop worrying.

 

Fun things going on here, I flipped the rope off the pulley for the tower bell, and big deal right, well yeah when people expect to hear a tower bell, and then the next day ya gotta climb  8 flights of rickety steps, breathing in dust, sweating, then ya get to the top two to find no hand rails !  An we didn't even fix the thing right after we got back down ! An i spilled coffee today on my slacks and on the floor so that was fun.  Really though i love it here, i just really wish i didn't have to deal with my anxiety, i can't say i am feeling super depressed because i am not and i don't know if that is due to my medication or what.

 

k peace out.

[superblue]

Hi again to all.

 

Tomorrow 5/31/15 is my personal consecration to Our Beloved Mother Mary, through the 33 Days to Morning Glory.

Rather nifty I suppose, to have made this promise and keep it, I retyped out the prayer so i can sign and date it, and i like doing that it is a sign : a physical contract that i can touch, and see, and pray and be like yes this is good, this not just good for me but for others because now my prayers are going to the Blessed Mother for her to do with them for the best possible way to serve the Holy Trinity and or Our Savior.

An looking back I can see how this consecration/devotion has paid off in so many ways and not just by moving me to where I am now.

So this is my small victory to be pleased with, 

 

other than an update, I am still trying to get it in my head that I am no longer a guest ! It is weird, and another thing a kick in the pantaloons, i had wanted a crucifix for so long to wear, i finally got one from here had it blessed and pretty much wore it ever since, lol i get here and now they are like sorry ya cant wear it !  That and the ranking system, I get it, i appreciate it in this setting and now i am trying to separate it as a negative from my time in the military.  Silly things that make the difference of who signed papers first making one a junior or senior postulant, * shrugs *  you sit over here, i sit over there, an then eating in silence, the work day, doesn't give too much time to get to know anyone.

Everyone though is great, even the ones who make go hmmm / and then when i do start to internally grumble i remind myself not to and to let it go an focus on the good and to ask for help from St. Benedict , my patron saint and others.

 

Other than that I hope calling home to my mom and dad wont be so bleh next time around.

The time here is like go go go go and then bloop stop, my free time another hurdle i have to face, i try hard to not be online so much and i am not the kind to enjoy the summer heat so i am left to choosing where i go at what time of the day and remembering to try and do something productive daily no matter how little. 

 

Peace out.