My Weird Vocation Journey

[superblue]

okay the good stuff,

I can pray in total silence in my room if i wanted to, which i never could do back at home. I can pray any time i want in church, and at ease.

I am surrounded by good,kind,prayerful,compassionate people. I am slowly learning more about the faith in classes that i am taking. I have put a major crack in the anti-social shell i have been enclosed in. I live on a beautiful property with lakes and critters. More often than not there is someone here telling a joke of some sort ( even if i don't want to hear it ) . Mass with the students and public is very calm ( during ) mass which is a big change .   3 squares a day, recreation time with the community is not as painful as it use to be.  I have found out I do have a few people here who consider me a friend and that i do as well. I pray more, and am learning to listen to God better, and am trying harder to be more open to God and to not resent God or have misplaced resentment towards God.  An i am welcomed by the community 100% and they hope i persevere and stay.  The abbot is more patient , kind, and humble towards me with my mistakes than anyone else in the community.

[beatitude]

It's always good to read about your life in the monastery. I pray for you every day.

[superblue]

Thank you Beatitude,

 

well more updates, i had some issues going on here with another monk / priest, so i waited it out an talked to my spiritual director who is a very kind an patient person and also use to be a parish priest before retiring and coming back to the monastery; and he helped me see things in perspective and also shared that he doesn't care for the person as well at times. So it is nice to know it isn't just me with having to deal with irritations but i was reassured that everything really is fine because i didn't fly off the handle when i had plenty of chances too  and maybe even rightly so. But even still, it is hard to decide in this atmosphere when it is justified to voice ones aggravation with a Brother in a community. An to pick the right time to do it and not wait until one just blows up is the key... I am more of the mindset to just vent else where as things are not horrible here to the point that i felt such problems were to much when i worked a 9-5 job with managers who were real scumbags.  An the people i live with are not scum bags, so even if they talk in a condesending ( spell check ) manner all i can really do is control myself until i can figure out when it is warranted that i need to tell this person to knock it off, which by the way he has figured out to knock it off with me because doesn't complain to my face anymore. he has either left a message on my answering machine which i just erased at the first second of hearing him, which only happened once over guess what a vacuum cleaner of all things as if he was the princess ruler of it.  or he got a fellow postulant to tell me.

Handling stupidity is a bit easier for me to do here and irritating people as well.

Birthdays are not celebrated here at least in this community i dont know about others, so that is kind of sad no cake an ice cream, but my family has sent me cards and small gifts ! so hurray for that. only one more year and then i can set aside vacation days to go home on my bday and after Christmas ( we dont get to leave to go home for Christmas , go figure huh.  something to do with the monastic life an what not )

( joke )

 

okay well. 

 

So there ya go, we are still human beings even in a monastic community, there are still rude people, and jerks, but more often than not , not scum bag people.

[puellapaschalis]

There is so much in all of this that resonates in my own life. Good to know I'm not the only one!

[superblue]

pressure, on top of my anxiety and depression doesn't help me any.

An oddly enough it is positive pressure,  pressure from the community telling me they are praying for me that i persevere , my family; A rock and a hard place of support is where i am. There just is no more quitting, i feel like if i did decide i wanted to leave ( or as my formation director put it " quit " ) that i would be letting the community down/ everyone, including myself. An even though i can count my blessings and see that God really is working in my life, sadly ; i still struggle very hard with depression, more so at night, an no amount of praying will do away with it. I have to constantly find positive ways of distracting myself sometimes even during the day.  Being here is such a mixed blessing and all  I know to do is to take one more day at a time, until either something clicks and things become better or I can't handle my depression by myself anymore and need to be around my family again.

Sadly there is zero support emotionally here; in a lot of ways it  is a lot like the Army, being around men, with zero sympathy for almost anything, especially if one is feeling under the weather and needs a sick day, or even a sick week off.  Such is the life though.  I am oddly comfortable with all of this. My depression does wear on me though, an i have come to realize it is a personal, internal cross to bare.  Much like those who fast, who are told to dress nicely and not draw attention to themselves; I do the same. I put a smile on in the morning more often than not for the right reason grateful for the morning that the night has passed and I can be active for a while and then things gradually catch up and i have to remember to hold on to that smile as to not draw attention to the inner turmoil; as weakness and emotional instability will only get me a one way ticket home before I can fully grasp the transformation taking place.

I probably will persevere considering I did through the Army which was nothing short of hell on earth.  I do hope to put together a book in due time on depression and faith. I think I have some knowledge in that department that might be useful to others at some point.

My prayer life has increased though, I find myself pondering, meditating , and praying in small ways through out the day if not praying the Rosary.

 

 

[John Paul]

Do you have to get up at 5 in the morning?

 

[superblue]

Do you have to get up at 5 in the morning?

 

getting up early for me is not a problem, morning schedules and prayer schedules in general change from Monastery to Monastery; I am up by 530am as it takes me forever to get ready. You can easily visit Monastery websites to find out their prayer schedules. 

Going to sleep and staying asleep is my problem as i have sleep apnea.

[superblue]

And now

 

 

I am officially a Novice.    9/29/2015

[IgnatiusofLoyola]

And now

 

 

I am officially a Novice.    9/29/2015

Congratulations! Was there a special ceremony? Is what you wear different now? Has your name changed?

Do men have a canonical novitiate year?

Edited September 29, 2015 by IgnatiusofLoyola

[beatitude]

And now

 

 

I am officially a Novice.    9/29/2015

You had a beautiful feast day for it.  May the holy archangels pray for you. Those are three formidable companions to embark on a novitiate with!

[superblue]

Congratulations! Was there a special ceremony? Is what you wear different now? Has your name changed?

Do men have a canonical novitiate year?

Yes a private entrance ceremony was held in the monastery, i wear a dark gray half habit ( mainly to distinguish between who is apart of the monastery and who is a student at the seminary since as a postulant we both wear the same shirt an pantaloons, why that is i don't know ) my name is the same for now, once one makes Temporary profession then one is given the chance to present three names to the Abbot who then chooses one of the three to be ones religious name. I was told that we have a " chronological year " . so for me it will be a year + 1 day, today is my official starting day, last night was the ceremony.

You had a beautiful feast day for it.  May the holy archangels pray for you. Those are three formidable companions to embark on a novitiate with!

** hugs ** thank you !

[Luigi]

You should make choosing your name a Phamily Aphphair - you've got a year to raise funds for dUSt. A dollar a vote, sent to dUSt, dUSt keeps track and announces your name to you next year. 

My own suggestion would be Brother Phrancis. The abbot will love the creative spelling!

[TheresaThoma]

Congrats! I will pray for you on this new stage of your journey!

[superblue]

one of those hard nights again.  I hate the nights so much sometimes, things are always a bit clearer in the day time. right now though, i just want to go back home....   an this is supposed to be my home.   It doesn't feel like home.  So much to be grateful for yet I am either only having two stages, content ( with moments of laughter through out the day followed with periods of powerful prayer ) and my depression and just wanting to go home, hug my mom,  cook for us again, and figure something else out while visiting my nephew .... But that is the problem i have no real skills that can keep me at a functioning stable life with stable income.

I am a dependent person , in so many ways. That hopes to be indepedent and is too much of an introvert to make much happen.

I keep telling myself one more day. That i have only been here for 4 months now, and that really is not enough time to make a rational decision as to if this is for me or not. So then I tell myself okay ill give myself 8 more months and then i'll go home, and then i am like woa, well that isn't the best way to go about things, how about 8 more months of just feeling things out knowing that if i still struggle at night, if i call home to hear the reassuring voice of my mom more than twice a week, then i will talk to my mom about coming back home.

 

I know this separation for my mom has not been easy for her either, i am very thankful she has not been telling me how much she misses me; I told her last time that what should have happened a long time ago is that i moved out but stayed in the area so i could visit when i wanted, heck spend the night in my old room when i wanted and go about my life...  I just do not feel I am strong enough emotionally or mentally, to handle the secular world. I have such horrible self esteem it is incredible that I have stayed together this long in life in general. An the only reason I have is through the Grace of God and the love of my family.

As much as i miss my former four legged companions I could really use a good dog right now to hold an be comforted by. An to just play with.   I remember when i was at work, sheesh more often than not, besides random things i looked forward too, thoughts of how great it would be to have my dog at work next to me would come to mind. Or just looking forward to playing with  him or my girl dog, either of em / when i got home, was a great comfort and something worth looking forward too.

I feel like I am stuck; I have a great life ahead of me here ; and if i can just manage the nights and the hard feelings and misery that i go through like now, i could even thrive and as stated previously in a response to me, this is probably the best an only option ; that i have in life.

Everything comes at a price and sadly I am now the one who has to decide what is best for me. 

 

[Luigi]

What's the problem with the nights? Do you not fall asleep as soon as your head hits the pillow? Do you wake up during the night and can't get back to sleep?

[Julie de Sales]

I'm not very active on VS, but I have been following your journey and I'm very happy that you have become a novice  I'm sorry you struggle so much sometimes, the monastic life it's not an easy path. I would be curious to know how/when you felt called to religious life and monastic life in particular, if you don't mind sharing

[John Paul]

one of those hard nights again.  I hate the nights so much sometimes, things are always a bit clearer in the day time. right now though, i just want to go back home....   an this is supposed to be my home.   It doesn't feel like home.  So much to be grateful for yet I am either only having two stages, content ( with moments of laughter through out the day followed with periods of powerful prayer ) and my depression and just wanting to go home, hug my mom,  cook for us again, and figure something else out while visiting my nephew .... But that is the problem i have no real skills that can keep me at a functioning stable life with stable income.

I am a dependent person , in so many ways. That hopes to be indepedent and is too much of an introvert to make much happen.

I keep telling myself one more day. That i have only been here for 4 months now, and that really is not enough time to make a rational decision as to if this is for me or not. So then I tell myself okay ill give myself 8 more months and then i'll go home, and then i am like woa, well that isn't the best way to go about things, how about 8 more months of just feeling things out knowing that if i still struggle at night, if i call home to hear the reassuring voice of my mom more than twice a week, then i will talk to my mom about coming back home.

 

I know this separation for my mom has not been easy for her either, i am very thankful she has not been telling me how much she misses me; I told her last time that what should have happened a long time ago is that i moved out but stayed in the area so i could visit when i wanted, heck spend the night in my old room when i wanted and go about my life...  I just do not feel I am strong enough emotionally or mentally, to handle the secular world. I have such horrible self esteem it is incredible that I have stayed together this long in life in general. An the only reason I have is through the Grace of God and the love of my family.

As much as i miss my former four legged companions I could really use a good dog right now to hold an be comforted by. An to just play with.   I remember when i was at work, sheesh more often than not, besides random things i looked forward too, thoughts of how great it would be to have my dog at work next to me would come to mind. Or just looking forward to playing with  him or my girl dog, either of em / when i got home, was a great comfort and something worth looking forward too.

I feel like I am stuck; I have a great life ahead of me here ; and if i can just manage the nights and the hard feelings and misery that i go through like now, i could even thrive and as stated previously in a response to me, this is probably the best an only option ; that i have in life.

Everything comes at a price and sadly I am now the one who has to decide what is best for me. 

 

Have you talked to your Father Superior/Abbot at all about this?

[superblue]

What's the problem with the nights? Do you not fall asleep as soon as your head hits the pillow? Do you wake up during the night and can't get back to sleep?

The problem is my depression at night becomes like 20x harder, as that is when i am alone, i start to worry, excessively. Not all the time does it happen, and i do take daily medication which helps me so much during the day, and i guess i need to talk to my doctor about the night problems i am having really. I actually do sleep fairly well, but i have sleep apnea so, sometimes i wake up with a headache even if i didn't wake up due to snoring or gasping for air.  An my Abbot would rather me wait till after my novitiate before getting a CPAP for that...  

Have you talked to your Father Superior/Abbot at all about this?

I could, his door is always open, so is my spiritual directors' ;   the problem is, I know me.  I panic a lot, I look for excuses at times to run away, I am introvert, I am very needy on many levels, i struggle with depression and anxiety, i even have scruples to a degree. But if i went zooming to my S.D or my Abbot to go an cry on their shoulder every time my depression, fears or anxiety gets to me, and just beats me down so hard, they could become concerned. I am under a lot of stress also because i have moved away from home, for good. I will see my family and friends after my novitiate, and the journey to solemn vows hasn't taken place, but for all intensive purposes. I am here for better or worse, thick or thin.  I can't quit any more.... and it is hard.   I struggle with separation anxiety too.

An more over things concern me, i am worried about what will become of me because i have no serious skills to give the community, i have no degree. nothing really but some interest in art that i am barely even interested in any more... i mean don't get me wrong i have chores an small jobs to do here.

 

What the community wants to see, which i am doing is being able to cope, function, and not have a melt down every time something emotionally happens. To not fly off the handle when one feels slighted by a member of the community.

The thing is, when emotions bottle up, when the depression becomes too much, and there is no shoulder to physically cry on, no one to give you a hug and reassure you that everything is going to be okay, who do you go to ?  I can't really do that here, that isn't the kind of support i see this community willing to give. So i have to find places to vent. Till it all passes. An it does. An i come back to earth an it is an odd feeling.

 

Ever see south park, how in the early episodes, Kenny would die every time, some horrible way. An next episode he is back, like nothing happened, in a way that is me.

I'm not very active on VS, but I have been following your journey and I'm very happy that you have become a novice  I'm sorry you struggle so much sometimes, the monastic life it's not an easy path. I would be curious to know how/when you felt called to religious life and monastic life in particular, if you don't mind sharing

ty, it is getting late for me so i will get to this tomorrow hopefully.

 

thank you to all for letting me vent an listening, and praying for me.

[Pax17]

Superblue, I am the introvert's introvert (INFJ on the Meyers-Briggs scale; only 1% of the US population has this personality type).  Despite anxiety, depression, phobias, dependency and insomnia, I have had a 40-year career as a corporate writer.  As I look back ( I am about to retire in two weeks), I wonder how I did it.  But I did, and successfully.  The fact that you are dealing with everything shows you have great strength and courage...and these are the gifts you will give to your community.  And they are special gifts...not everyone has them.  Introverts certainly can effect change...they do so quietly and methodically.  To most people at work, I've looked like a shy person who has nothing to contribute.  But as one colleague put it, "I always knew you were a quiet force to reckoned with."  Do not despair. 

You are in my prayers.

 

[Mags]

I am praying for you. Although you said that you don't want to go running to your spiritual director or Abbot every time, and I can understand that, do ensure that you are getting all of the support you need. I think you hit the nail on the head by saying that you need to speak to the doctor about the problems you are having at night. If this can be managed then hopefully your emotions will become more stable, getting enough sleep is so important to our physical and mental health.

I can totally empathise with feeling that you don't have anything to offer, I felt much the same when I was in community. What I have come to realise, albeit slowly, is that we all have gifts to offer, we can all too easily dismiss what we have, try not to do this!